lonely af
Just a couple of days ago, around 2:00am, it hit me how lonely I am. I'm having some of the best friends I never see anymore over this coming weekend. We've had some really fun parties in the past, but I don't know if this one will be particularly good. I'm sensing a nice emotional breakdown happening sometime before the end. That could be good, though. I never expected to so completely lose it from being away from them all. I knew they were perfect friends, but I only ever thought about how lucky I was to have them. I thought I was stronger than I am. I cry so much now. I miss them all so terribly, and they think of me so rarely. Why should they? It's not that none of them care anymore, not at all. They're all over at their school with every person except me, so it's not like anything is terribly different.
One time one girl and I were discussing our circle of friends, and she likened it to a web of which I was the center. Everyone had seemed to agree that I was the one that brought and kept everyone together. I felt so proud at being told that. I'm increasingly narcissistic, but I was never one to ask specifically about opinions on myself when in a group, so that was an extremely pleasant surprise. It was nice to be told how I was different and how I fit. I wonder how the friendweb is functioning now that I've been taken away. It reminds me of those theories about the sun suddenly disappearing. I get fragments when I ask them how they are, but nothing they tell me ever really strays from what concerns them personally. It's very hard to get a sense of what's happening throughout the whole group and it makes me want to cry. Even the most abstract and objective of them don't seem to understand that I want the full picture. Maybe if I ever learn to drive it'll get better. I could see them more often and kidnap them occasionally.
I'm only about 15 minutes away from them during the majority of the week. I hear about their exploits outside of school all the time. Why can't I come along? I've got friends here; it's not like I've been by myself for two years. None of them are the people that I love, though. They've already got all the friends they've known for years. Who am I when compared to them? I stumble through the day feeling so alone.
God, I'm becoming such a head case. I must have looked so pathetic to Rennie when I texted her (the aforementioned 2am breakdown). Earlier in the day I asked about her day and what she did. She had spent most of the day with some friends. I told her I was glad they had fun and that I missed them. She insinuated that we would see each other once school got out. I don't know how she can wait weeks when I can barely get through a day. About 12 hours after that conversation, I told her how much I cry and that it's because I need them all and practically begged her to do something with me because I'm so tired of missing them all so much. Like the sweetheart she is, I got an understanding response within two minutes. She dealt with my crying ass and we planned that spur-of-the-moment party.
I just know if I cry everything is going to come pouring out. I can't stand being so far away from the people that I love. I never wanted to think that I was this helpless. I dealt with it for a year and a half. I never used to cry. There was a brief period of time when i cried over something stupid every month due to PMS, and maybe once a year I cried over other stupid things. Another thing--being so far away from them has made me so dramatic. I find myself fighting back tears several times during certain days now. I used to scoff at people who went to such measures. My friends kept me grounded. Now I'm so lonely. I never feel lost, though. Just empty. I really need to stop.
One time one girl and I were discussing our circle of friends, and she likened it to a web of which I was the center. Everyone had seemed to agree that I was the one that brought and kept everyone together. I felt so proud at being told that. I'm increasingly narcissistic, but I was never one to ask specifically about opinions on myself when in a group, so that was an extremely pleasant surprise. It was nice to be told how I was different and how I fit. I wonder how the friendweb is functioning now that I've been taken away. It reminds me of those theories about the sun suddenly disappearing. I get fragments when I ask them how they are, but nothing they tell me ever really strays from what concerns them personally. It's very hard to get a sense of what's happening throughout the whole group and it makes me want to cry. Even the most abstract and objective of them don't seem to understand that I want the full picture. Maybe if I ever learn to drive it'll get better. I could see them more often and kidnap them occasionally.
I'm only about 15 minutes away from them during the majority of the week. I hear about their exploits outside of school all the time. Why can't I come along? I've got friends here; it's not like I've been by myself for two years. None of them are the people that I love, though. They've already got all the friends they've known for years. Who am I when compared to them? I stumble through the day feeling so alone.
God, I'm becoming such a head case. I must have looked so pathetic to Rennie when I texted her (the aforementioned 2am breakdown). Earlier in the day I asked about her day and what she did. She had spent most of the day with some friends. I told her I was glad they had fun and that I missed them. She insinuated that we would see each other once school got out. I don't know how she can wait weeks when I can barely get through a day. About 12 hours after that conversation, I told her how much I cry and that it's because I need them all and practically begged her to do something with me because I'm so tired of missing them all so much. Like the sweetheart she is, I got an understanding response within two minutes. She dealt with my crying ass and we planned that spur-of-the-moment party.
I just know if I cry everything is going to come pouring out. I can't stand being so far away from the people that I love. I never wanted to think that I was this helpless. I dealt with it for a year and a half. I never used to cry. There was a brief period of time when i cried over something stupid every month due to PMS, and maybe once a year I cried over other stupid things. Another thing--being so far away from them has made me so dramatic. I find myself fighting back tears several times during certain days now. I used to scoff at people who went to such measures. My friends kept me grounded. Now I'm so lonely. I never feel lost, though. Just empty. I really need to stop.