INTJs and Social rituals

[michalyn]

This has probably been asked many times before but do other INTJs feel like they don't grasp the meaning behind social rituals? I don't mean in the sense of being polite or having good manners but I find myself often feeling puzzled by small talk or just being aware that there is an expectation of a certain kind of interaction on the other end but

Comments

[spiritonparole]

It took me a while to grasp social rituals as a kid, but as I grew older, I began to realize that establishing connections with others gives one social capital upon which to draw in times of crisis, and can create "shortcuts" in social support because people actually know how to approach one another in a given situation.

[michalyn]

That does make sense. I think I have the most trouble translating small talk to actual social capital. Maybe I'm just setting the bar too high in terms of the kind of relationship I need to have with someone before I can ask for help in a crisis. It's something I struggle with alot.

[jeroentiggelman]

I think the core problem here is that (at first) there is no general way to make a clear translation, and so it gets fuzzy naturally.

And although it is very healthy to know what kind of things you need and set boundaries on what would be a healthy relationship, I think you certainly must not envision a very specific sort of interaction as the thing you need, because... do you really know?

[bronxelf_ag001]

do other INTJs feel like they don't grasp the meaning behind social rituals

All the time. I avoid them whenever I can.

[eryndil]

I understand that people use small talk for social bonding and to maintain 'acquaintanceships' (as opposed to serious relationships) so I see the value that others put on it, but it's something I find incredibly difficult and uncomfortable to do. I can never think of what to say and I am usually very bored by the topic of conversation. The people I'm happiest chatting with (some work colleagues, for instance) are the ones who can launch straight into a conversation about, say, space exploration or sci-fi in the same way that I do.

I also don't do flirting or mixed messages. I like to know where I am and I think it's wrong to play with people's emotions like that. Obviously, some people prefer it that way and it's their choice. Since I am married, I wouldn't say that lack of flirting etc is a barrier to relationships - you just have to find someone who understands your way of interacting.

[jeroentiggelman]

I used to be in that position and I still show traces of it.

the ritual of flirtation and sending mixed messages about one's feelings is very difficult to understand

On what level?

A romantic interest makes you very vulnerable but can have a very high payoff, so naturally you want one, but you also do not want to just surrender to someone you do not yet know well enough. This is a clear "Is this what I really want" situation where you must test the waters and frankly, not make things _too_ easy, as you must know there is sufficient buy-in to investing energy in the relationship on the other side as well.

I like to know where people stand

I think at the start of something that could turn into a romantic interest, people typically do not know where they stand themselves, because really, there is no rational way to figure it out, you need to find out and feel if you are okay with getting in deeper..

Does anyone else feel this is a barrier to relationships and do you have any advice on how to deal with it?Oh yes, I feel the barrier

[michalyn]

I think at the start of something that could turn into a romantic interest, people typically do not know where they stand themselves, because really, there is no rational way to figure it out, you need to find out and feel if you are okay with getting in deeper..

I hadn't thought of it that way but this makes a lot of sense.

You might want to play with just flirtation without the intent of being serious first, to find out what it is like. I was at first very uncomfortable.

*nods* I think I will try that. Thanks!

[jeroentiggelman]

You're welcome. :D

[toki_wartooth]

I sometimes don't grasp the meaning, though I can conjecture sometimes. I know, sometimes, the interaction is simply to pass the time away, or avoid boredom; that might happen at, say, a bus stop, when there are two of you there, and one/both of you hasn't/haven't brought something to occupy time until the bus arrives. Or, maybe you're in an elevator, and it's taking some time to get to either of your destinations

[spiritonparole]

Hey, stops copies me!

Seriously, I love that on a thread concerning social ineptitude, two of us posted with Metalocalypse icons.

[toki_wartooth]

Haha. All of my icons are of that show now. It's sad. It's like my obsession grew over night ever since I saw them in concert on June 30th. As you can see, I even bothered to get this username. I first had to make a dumb username and then buy a rename token for it. ...I've never done something so unnecessary in my life (particularly involving the spending of money), and yet I've enjoyed it.

I used to be quitemercurial, and I know once upon a time I had Hellsing icons. I remember your Alucard one. (Wow. I swear I have a life. I just have a very good memory.)

[spiritonparole]

No kidding, I went to the Philly show on the 27th. My husband (battleandrew) and his little brother came too. We had a great time--I got my husband into black metal and death metal when we met, but I think this was probably the most he's ever enjoyed a show--and have been watching like hawks to see if they'll tour again next summer. If they do, we're there.

As for this here Alucard icon, I'll never get rid of it. If you look closely, you can see that he's saying, "The reason the English are on the decline...is because they are like that." My husband is English--he spent the first half of his life in Newbury before moving to the States. He and I met through a mutual friend and former boyfriend of mine, who cautioned me that "the sun never sets on the British Empire, because God doesn't trust the Brits in the dark." Initially the icon was an homage to our friend's poor assessment of my husband's chances of getting a date with me