INTJs and Social rituals
This has probably been asked many times before but do other INTJs feel like they don't grasp the meaning behind social rituals? I don't mean in the sense of being polite or having good manners but I find myself often feeling puzzled by small talk or just being aware that there is an expectation of a certain kind of interaction on the other end but I have no idea what the other person wants so that I can produce it. I keep feeling like I know "something" like goodwill or comfort is being generated by random small talk but it still feels somewhat pointless to me at times.
Similarly, I find that I have trouble with romantic relationships because it always seems that people inject more complexity into romantic relationships than necessary. For me boundaries are important so the ritual of flirtation and sending mixed messages about one's feelings is very difficult to understand. It's not that I'm not playful but I like to know where people stand (and vice versa) before I feel relaxed enough to be silly and spontaneous.
For example, I would get frustrated when my best friend would tell me about something this guy she was interested in did but at the same time she kept going back to him and interacting with him. It took me a while to figure out that she was frustrated yes, but was actually enjoying the tug-of-war so to speak between them. I don't think her way of interacting is better or worse. In fact I think the mixed messages often come from the fact that she's not sure about her feelings herself. In that sense I think there is something wonderfully honest and spontaneous about just letting things go where they may.
My problem is I find it impossible to do that sort of thing. Does anyone else feel this is a barrier to relationships and do you have any advice on how to deal with it?
Similarly, I find that I have trouble with romantic relationships because it always seems that people inject more complexity into romantic relationships than necessary. For me boundaries are important so the ritual of flirtation and sending mixed messages about one's feelings is very difficult to understand. It's not that I'm not playful but I like to know where people stand (and vice versa) before I feel relaxed enough to be silly and spontaneous.
For example, I would get frustrated when my best friend would tell me about something this guy she was interested in did but at the same time she kept going back to him and interacting with him. It took me a while to figure out that she was frustrated yes, but was actually enjoying the tug-of-war so to speak between them. I don't think her way of interacting is better or worse. In fact I think the mixed messages often come from the fact that she's not sure about her feelings herself. In that sense I think there is something wonderfully honest and spontaneous about just letting things go where they may.
My problem is I find it impossible to do that sort of thing. Does anyone else feel this is a barrier to relationships and do you have any advice on how to deal with it?