in which I have a lot of thoughts
last night was really the first great night in a while. alex and I got off campus and went to tgi friday's for dinner, and talked and laughed and sang and offended people [I did some of those without alex's help, because I'm musical and offensive] and waited a ridiculously long time for a table, but it's always worth it for a jack daniels burger. the tragic part of dinner, though, was that I ordered a brownie obsession but felt sick before I could finish it. fucking stomach virus.
my stomach rose up and waged a bit of a war against me on thursday night, and it's been kind of iffy ever since. if this is the goucher plague [part 2] I'm still considering myself pretty charmed, since it's going easy on me. but if it is the goucher plague, it's probably soon the be the mica plague as well, because I totally still got up at 5:45 and went to class friday.
at mica, a choreographer came in and we did ridiculously fun sound and music exercises that had us feeling out what movements made sense to match what sounds and what words fit what instruments and such. it was so much fun - a real grown up rough tough art college class, playing! I was giggling and goofing off and that felt great. but then, of course, we added the drawing element, which is sort of where that came apart.
this class is really getting to me. I'm just not any good, and I don't think the way that artists do, and I don't look at this challenge as exciting. I'm just unhappy with it. I know I need to stick it out, but I'm a month in and I'm kind of miserable with it. I feel like I'm being a spoiled little princess, throwing a temper tantrum or giving up because for the first time in my life I'm not getting pats on the head and high praise for my drawings. I'm floundering around at the very bottom of the class, and I'm not even enjoying drawing for myself. I hate to think of myself as someone who gives up when things show signs of getting difficult, but I feel like I don't belong. and in a weird way I don't even want to try as hard since I know I'm not going to be the best. that's a pathetic type of person to be.
I'm so deep into that sophomore slump. even temporary breaks in the hum-drum of things don't seem to shake the big picture, but I feel selfish for even feeling that way. I have really great people and things in my life. I have this world, which is so indescribably beautiful that I can only blame myself if I'm not noticing and getting lit up by the things I used to. I'm frustrated because I feel like when I find those feelings I can't hold onto them, but I'll try. I'm out, cats.
my stomach rose up and waged a bit of a war against me on thursday night, and it's been kind of iffy ever since. if this is the goucher plague [part 2] I'm still considering myself pretty charmed, since it's going easy on me. but if it is the goucher plague, it's probably soon the be the mica plague as well, because I totally still got up at 5:45 and went to class friday.
at mica, a choreographer came in and we did ridiculously fun sound and music exercises that had us feeling out what movements made sense to match what sounds and what words fit what instruments and such. it was so much fun - a real grown up rough tough art college class, playing! I was giggling and goofing off and that felt great. but then, of course, we added the drawing element, which is sort of where that came apart.
this class is really getting to me. I'm just not any good, and I don't think the way that artists do, and I don't look at this challenge as exciting. I'm just unhappy with it. I know I need to stick it out, but I'm a month in and I'm kind of miserable with it. I feel like I'm being a spoiled little princess, throwing a temper tantrum or giving up because for the first time in my life I'm not getting pats on the head and high praise for my drawings. I'm floundering around at the very bottom of the class, and I'm not even enjoying drawing for myself. I hate to think of myself as someone who gives up when things show signs of getting difficult, but I feel like I don't belong. and in a weird way I don't even want to try as hard since I know I'm not going to be the best. that's a pathetic type of person to be.
I'm so deep into that sophomore slump. even temporary breaks in the hum-drum of things don't seem to shake the big picture, but I feel selfish for even feeling that way. I have really great people and things in my life. I have this world, which is so indescribably beautiful that I can only blame myself if I'm not noticing and getting lit up by the things I used to. I'm frustrated because I feel like when I find those feelings I can't hold onto them, but I'll try. I'm out, cats.