019. 2010 was then, Let me hold you hand and never let go Baby...
Year end blog? Hmm, partly. Kind of. I just want to give a moment at least to recollect how my 2010 just went. I don't remember much to be honest. Ah, I wish I blogged more about this year so I can look back remember what happened since the start of January. I guess I can't take back lost time in a way, my memory's been fuzzy lately. I'm actually sitting here right in front of my laptop actually saying, "yah, I don't remember how 2010 just passed." hahahaha. Sucks. Ah well, let's see what I can muster up yes? Hmm. Now how to start this. . .
A bit of the things that I remember quite clearly is....BEAST FAN SIGN! How could I forget that? So I've been into all this Korean craziness this year, yes that's quite a highlight wouldn't you say? I was this Anime/CPOP loving person now I've gotten into KPOP as well. Hmm, but not as hard core as those blasted fans that I'm actually afraid of. C'mon I won't go and spend thousands on BEAST even if I love them so much. I admire them and their hard work and will try my best to support them the best way I can offer. Well the same time I got into KPOP was the same time that I got into Live Journal. I had past live journal accounts and well, I really didn't get into it until well I was introduced to role playing. Not that I haven't been role playing since 2007, but it was this year that I started to get into the whole AIM/LJ type of role playing and actually playing character who already exist. I was used to creating my own line of characters who you play and bring them to life through stories and such. Live Journal communities was fun to be in too. Though I'd say there's more drama here than where I came from and apparently learned that sleep wasn't much of an option whereas I had to stay up really late and wake up really early in order to catch those people who I wanted to chat with online and eventually I lost the very purpose of going to bed. I wonder now though if it was a good thing at all or not.
Another thing I remember quite vividly was my Singapore trip! Singapore was my first out of country travel. AND I WENT THERE ALONE. I traveled the first time alone, it was fun but yeah I was afraid. First plane ride, first out of country...ah it was a real adventure. Having to go through airport procedure and all that and I was insanely clueless. I had to manage a lot though, I mean I went there for a conference but ended up going around the place more than actually going through those seminars but the experience was something I'll never trade. Heck I was able to eat my ULTIMATE FAVORITE ICE CREAM. Seriously I would've died happy if ever it happened. Ah, traveling. Hoping I can go off on another adventure again soon.
Probably nothing much had happened then. Probably nothing much. Either my 2010 was rather filled with work, stress and sleepless nights. Arguments, disagreements, fears, pain and all that but I guess it was a quick year. There are somethings that I'd rather forget and I probably did forget a lot of things. I worked hard to get back friends, I tried my best to get into the circle to be there, to be present and so far things are working out right. I've aged another year yet my brain still thinks it's still a kid. I'm still as insecure and not confident as ever. Still unsure of where I'm going after all this studying, afraid to get into work, afraid of losing people. I guess I haven't changed much. I probably just became a little colder and lazier than usual. Probably because I have a lot of uncertainty in my head. Probably thinking how things would actually go, maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I lost it. I'm not too sure. But I'm trying to figure things out and see how it'll go. If things don't end up right then it'll probably be my fault.
Hmm...on other matters, I've gained new friends. Unexpected ones even. Heh, it all started with me and my random invitations to my birthday. I didn't really know her, it was more of "Issi this is Paula, Paula Issi," and I'd just wave and smile a bit. Never expecting to suddenly blurt out that day, "Hey come to my birthday," hmm, yeah that's how things started but not really. I think we first met with hi's and hello's and then we became classmates over at Physical Education and she said I looked like her close friend and I beat her ass in table tennis (Just like how I beat the whole class except 2 who were actually really good). Then we didn't really see much of each other since then until we were actually classmates and I got into Role playing where she played Uee and I was playing Mike and they turned into a couple and thats how things started I guess. We were more of online friends then irl friends and it was after that birthday invite that I got to talk to her more I guess and it was on that SUCH A RANDOM OVERNIGHT because of on-the-job training. We were a team, I ended up staying at her place EVERY WEEK. We got closer I guess. Similarities here and there, cooking in the middle of the night, waking up to a hug (which actually meant a lot). Though there have been issues between as I guess it's fine. We're fine, I still love her dearly. I still talk to her a lot.
Then there's another online friend who practically spoils me a lot. Not that I ask for anything but she keeps giving me stuff beyond anything I could ever ask for. We met at a Comm and eventually became close and we've stuck it out together I guess even though at times I get stressed out because I can't cheer her up, I can't do anything to make her happy and I end up just worrying because she's been sad for a while. In a way felt quite sad that I can't do more for her but send virtual hugs and as she said, it's never really enough. It won't be enough. Of course it was a such a let down. You try to be the best you can yet you can't because she's so far away and maybe words can never be enough. I'm sure it wasn't enough. Even if I told her I'm trying...ah I guess I'm past that now and probably accept the fact that that's just how online friends are. You can't really do much.
Izzy Izzy...Isabella....ahh where to start with this special person. I don't know where to start. Practically she's...great. Hahaha. The best! I've written about her here once and I don't really mind writing about her again. I met her the first time in a Comm, her character was my character's ex girlfriend and they were sweet. Really, I partly was drawn to the whole Toda Erika and Doojoon pairing, probably because she wrote so well and I was just well, the frustrated writer I was all along. I was intimidated of her at first since she wrote lengthy posts, well described, well detailed and I was...much of a under developed writer. But then she got too busy and dropped and there wasn't anything special then. It was like all we wanted was to play and that's it. Never really involved in who the mun's was just the muses. Then again we met again in Yonsei and for some reason I poked her and asked to plot with her. With plot that said that Doojoon would probably fall in love with Yuriko and well I say it didn't really happen right away but they were close, sweet and close. Apparently my Doojoon got too drawn towards her and before I knew it I'd have given up a Kahi-Doojoon relationship just to get to her. Hmm, probably because I enjoyed playing her too much and eventually they became a pair and then I got to know the mun more, then she recognized me from that past comm and we were like, wow, cool, awesome. Hahaha, then I guess one thing led to another, she added me on my personal account and we talked, mmm, maybe at first I was quite unsure I guess partly we talked OOC due to certain issues where I partly felt cornered with the whole Yuriko-jongwoon thing and judging how much I hate that drama shit that involved Jongwoon and Nana I partly hated it. Partly hated the fact how much people protected those two when I was...out there to destroy them yet I couldn't. How people tried so hard to cover up for Jongwoon when it was already wrong. Ah, I guess at first I harbored some bad feelings against her since Yuriko was Doojoon's girl yet Yuriko seemed to protect Jongwoon more yet Izzy could see right through me even if I keep putting things in Doojoon, she knew somehow that I was the one feeling set aside. Aha, yeah I remember her telling me, "It's the mun not the muse" and she was right but then again being me I was probably just letting things slide. I always do I mean they were happy and all that with that fkdalksjf plot so yeah. I lived it through. Setting that aside, I thought I'd never really get to talk to Izzy again. Especially since I felt really hurt in a way with how things went, since I didn't really give a fuck if Nana and Jongwoon broke up. But even so, I guess things worked out well and now, she's...she's pretty special to me. I got the best present from her. A ring that I wear at all times, a scarf I sleep with when I go to bed, short cute capsule notes that mean so much to me. it's just great. Though we're far apart and always have a hard time saying good bye and I always want to give her real hugs but I can't...she means a lot to me. If I could I'll talk to her the whole day, even if it's nothing but random stuff, I would. She protects me and I'm thankful for that yet I try to protect her too. I remember we kind of got into somewhat of a fight or something, heck my world turned topsy turvy. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say a lot of things but I ended up not saying anything. Having her is well beyond what I could ever ask for and I want to be closer though I don't know how close one get get online and...ah I'd rather not go there....it's just going to be and my selfishness...but one things for sure, I'm never going to let go of her....
Clearly enough...I'm still me. Doing things that get yourself hurt by finding out how someone special to you cheers up and you're not the reason because you...well you just bring them down. By looking into things too much and realize the truth that you don't really know someone that well and the closeness and the depth is nothing more but an illusion. I'm still the same. Still the same who speaks in riddles because I'm not tough enough say things directly. How everything in this blog is really meant for specific people yet I didn't put all the names or where things are directed. I guess everyday's a struggle. It's a struggle to accept the fact that online things can't really go deeper than you want, you'll never really be the best even if yo want to be, even if you tried. Ah, another year's starting, I'm afraid to lose more people.
For sure this uncertainty in me will keep on going. I'm not sure about myself, where I am right now....who I'm with. Maybe the spark's gone or maybe...it's just me. I'm just too cold.
Ahh, well anyway I guess this is enough of a year end blog. I'm partly still feeling rather exhausted but I have to start working in a while....
A bit of the things that I remember quite clearly is....BEAST FAN SIGN! How could I forget that? So I've been into all this Korean craziness this year, yes that's quite a highlight wouldn't you say? I was this Anime/CPOP loving person now I've gotten into KPOP as well. Hmm, but not as hard core as those blasted fans that I'm actually afraid of. C'mon I won't go and spend thousands on BEAST even if I love them so much. I admire them and their hard work and will try my best to support them the best way I can offer. Well the same time I got into KPOP was the same time that I got into Live Journal. I had past live journal accounts and well, I really didn't get into it until well I was introduced to role playing. Not that I haven't been role playing since 2007, but it was this year that I started to get into the whole AIM/LJ type of role playing and actually playing character who already exist. I was used to creating my own line of characters who you play and bring them to life through stories and such. Live Journal communities was fun to be in too. Though I'd say there's more drama here than where I came from and apparently learned that sleep wasn't much of an option whereas I had to stay up really late and wake up really early in order to catch those people who I wanted to chat with online and eventually I lost the very purpose of going to bed. I wonder now though if it was a good thing at all or not.
Another thing I remember quite vividly was my Singapore trip! Singapore was my first out of country travel. AND I WENT THERE ALONE. I traveled the first time alone, it was fun but yeah I was afraid. First plane ride, first out of country...ah it was a real adventure. Having to go through airport procedure and all that and I was insanely clueless. I had to manage a lot though, I mean I went there for a conference but ended up going around the place more than actually going through those seminars but the experience was something I'll never trade. Heck I was able to eat my ULTIMATE FAVORITE ICE CREAM. Seriously I would've died happy if ever it happened. Ah, traveling. Hoping I can go off on another adventure again soon.
Probably nothing much had happened then. Probably nothing much. Either my 2010 was rather filled with work, stress and sleepless nights. Arguments, disagreements, fears, pain and all that but I guess it was a quick year. There are somethings that I'd rather forget and I probably did forget a lot of things. I worked hard to get back friends, I tried my best to get into the circle to be there, to be present and so far things are working out right. I've aged another year yet my brain still thinks it's still a kid. I'm still as insecure and not confident as ever. Still unsure of where I'm going after all this studying, afraid to get into work, afraid of losing people. I guess I haven't changed much. I probably just became a little colder and lazier than usual. Probably because I have a lot of uncertainty in my head. Probably thinking how things would actually go, maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I lost it. I'm not too sure. But I'm trying to figure things out and see how it'll go. If things don't end up right then it'll probably be my fault.
Hmm...on other matters, I've gained new friends. Unexpected ones even. Heh, it all started with me and my random invitations to my birthday. I didn't really know her, it was more of "Issi this is Paula, Paula Issi," and I'd just wave and smile a bit. Never expecting to suddenly blurt out that day, "Hey come to my birthday," hmm, yeah that's how things started but not really. I think we first met with hi's and hello's and then we became classmates over at Physical Education and she said I looked like her close friend and I beat her ass in table tennis (Just like how I beat the whole class except 2 who were actually really good). Then we didn't really see much of each other since then until we were actually classmates and I got into Role playing where she played Uee and I was playing Mike and they turned into a couple and thats how things started I guess. We were more of online friends then irl friends and it was after that birthday invite that I got to talk to her more I guess and it was on that SUCH A RANDOM OVERNIGHT because of on-the-job training. We were a team, I ended up staying at her place EVERY WEEK. We got closer I guess. Similarities here and there, cooking in the middle of the night, waking up to a hug (which actually meant a lot). Though there have been issues between as I guess it's fine. We're fine, I still love her dearly. I still talk to her a lot.
Then there's another online friend who practically spoils me a lot. Not that I ask for anything but she keeps giving me stuff beyond anything I could ever ask for. We met at a Comm and eventually became close and we've stuck it out together I guess even though at times I get stressed out because I can't cheer her up, I can't do anything to make her happy and I end up just worrying because she's been sad for a while. In a way felt quite sad that I can't do more for her but send virtual hugs and as she said, it's never really enough. It won't be enough. Of course it was a such a let down. You try to be the best you can yet you can't because she's so far away and maybe words can never be enough. I'm sure it wasn't enough. Even if I told her I'm trying...ah I guess I'm past that now and probably accept the fact that that's just how online friends are. You can't really do much.
Izzy Izzy...Isabella....ahh where to start with this special person. I don't know where to start. Practically she's...great. Hahaha. The best! I've written about her here once and I don't really mind writing about her again. I met her the first time in a Comm, her character was my character's ex girlfriend and they were sweet. Really, I partly was drawn to the whole Toda Erika and Doojoon pairing, probably because she wrote so well and I was just well, the frustrated writer I was all along. I was intimidated of her at first since she wrote lengthy posts, well described, well detailed and I was...much of a under developed writer. But then she got too busy and dropped and there wasn't anything special then. It was like all we wanted was to play and that's it. Never really involved in who the mun's was just the muses. Then again we met again in Yonsei and for some reason I poked her and asked to plot with her. With plot that said that Doojoon would probably fall in love with Yuriko and well I say it didn't really happen right away but they were close, sweet and close. Apparently my Doojoon got too drawn towards her and before I knew it I'd have given up a Kahi-Doojoon relationship just to get to her. Hmm, probably because I enjoyed playing her too much and eventually they became a pair and then I got to know the mun more, then she recognized me from that past comm and we were like, wow, cool, awesome. Hahaha, then I guess one thing led to another, she added me on my personal account and we talked, mmm, maybe at first I was quite unsure I guess partly we talked OOC due to certain issues where I partly felt cornered with the whole Yuriko-jongwoon thing and judging how much I hate that drama shit that involved Jongwoon and Nana I partly hated it. Partly hated the fact how much people protected those two when I was...out there to destroy them yet I couldn't. How people tried so hard to cover up for Jongwoon when it was already wrong. Ah, I guess at first I harbored some bad feelings against her since Yuriko was Doojoon's girl yet Yuriko seemed to protect Jongwoon more yet Izzy could see right through me even if I keep putting things in Doojoon, she knew somehow that I was the one feeling set aside. Aha, yeah I remember her telling me, "It's the mun not the muse" and she was right but then again being me I was probably just letting things slide. I always do I mean they were happy and all that with that fkdalksjf plot so yeah. I lived it through. Setting that aside, I thought I'd never really get to talk to Izzy again. Especially since I felt really hurt in a way with how things went, since I didn't really give a fuck if Nana and Jongwoon broke up. But even so, I guess things worked out well and now, she's...she's pretty special to me. I got the best present from her. A ring that I wear at all times, a scarf I sleep with when I go to bed, short cute capsule notes that mean so much to me. it's just great. Though we're far apart and always have a hard time saying good bye and I always want to give her real hugs but I can't...she means a lot to me. If I could I'll talk to her the whole day, even if it's nothing but random stuff, I would. She protects me and I'm thankful for that yet I try to protect her too. I remember we kind of got into somewhat of a fight or something, heck my world turned topsy turvy. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say a lot of things but I ended up not saying anything. Having her is well beyond what I could ever ask for and I want to be closer though I don't know how close one get get online and...ah I'd rather not go there....it's just going to be and my selfishness...but one things for sure, I'm never going to let go of her....
Clearly enough...I'm still me. Doing things that get yourself hurt by finding out how someone special to you cheers up and you're not the reason because you...well you just bring them down. By looking into things too much and realize the truth that you don't really know someone that well and the closeness and the depth is nothing more but an illusion. I'm still the same. Still the same who speaks in riddles because I'm not tough enough say things directly. How everything in this blog is really meant for specific people yet I didn't put all the names or where things are directed. I guess everyday's a struggle. It's a struggle to accept the fact that online things can't really go deeper than you want, you'll never really be the best even if yo want to be, even if you tried. Ah, another year's starting, I'm afraid to lose more people.
For sure this uncertainty in me will keep on going. I'm not sure about myself, where I am right now....who I'm with. Maybe the spark's gone or maybe...it's just me. I'm just too cold.
Ahh, well anyway I guess this is enough of a year end blog. I'm partly still feeling rather exhausted but I have to start working in a while....