101.
Yesterday was Valentines and I spent it with a guy who was just as bitter or well, was sulking over the whole thing. It was a bit weird, but walking around the mall surrounded by couples, either holding hands, holding flowers or wearing couple shirts just made the both of us long for something we both didn't have. It was a good day though. Pretty fun. It was nice to get treated by a friend to dinner and then drove home. During our car rides we got to talk about a lot of things, about heart aches. I came to a conclusion that night: I can't or don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I don't want to open up anymore, I don't want to give, I don't want share because I'll only end up getting hurt. There's no more 100% or 110% even, if I do end up falling in love I don't think I can ever be vulnerable. I don't want to open myself completely, because I don't want to get hurt again as much as I already did.
Right now I'm already folding in. Withdrawing. There's nothing I can say anymore, there's nothing to talk about anymore. I'm not hurting anymore, not as much. But as much as I hoped that things were to stay the same, my subconscious seems to be not doing that. I've already built a wall between me and the world. Back to finding things to do during the day to keep me busy, back to just living in between everything. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad too. I'm in the gray area between black and white and I can't do shit about it. Before there always seemed to be something to talk about but now I can't find anything to. Either I don't find anything to talk about or I've stopped caring about things already or I'm really just tired of putting myself out there only to end up getting broke.
I miss things as they were before everything. I actually miss those days before we got together. The first break up changed a lot as is and this second one will definitely change everything all the more. It's not that I regret taking things one step further, but I kind of wish I stayed in the friend zone. Maybe up until now, I wouldn't be so damaged. I wouldn't end up cold and I'd still find that need to talk to her everyday, that she would complete my days even if we were just friends then.
I miss the past. But I know it's not something I can get back. How....unfortunate....
Right now I'm already folding in. Withdrawing. There's nothing I can say anymore, there's nothing to talk about anymore. I'm not hurting anymore, not as much. But as much as I hoped that things were to stay the same, my subconscious seems to be not doing that. I've already built a wall between me and the world. Back to finding things to do during the day to keep me busy, back to just living in between everything. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad too. I'm in the gray area between black and white and I can't do shit about it. Before there always seemed to be something to talk about but now I can't find anything to. Either I don't find anything to talk about or I've stopped caring about things already or I'm really just tired of putting myself out there only to end up getting broke.
I miss things as they were before everything. I actually miss those days before we got together. The first break up changed a lot as is and this second one will definitely change everything all the more. It's not that I regret taking things one step further, but I kind of wish I stayed in the friend zone. Maybe up until now, I wouldn't be so damaged. I wouldn't end up cold and I'd still find that need to talk to her everyday, that she would complete my days even if we were just friends then.
I miss the past. But I know it's not something I can get back. How....unfortunate....