i've started paper journaling again. and wearing no makeup. sometimes lipstain. my lips are massive after crying, kissing, ...oral fixation. i want to scream at every heeled bimbo who walks in the studio and asks me curiously why i have no bf. i long to ask them 'why are you dressed up to walk around on the dirty pavement and have men call you a ( Read more... )

I haven't been able to think about anything else this past week. Last week she seemed alright, but for the past few days she hasn't eaten anything and she shakes. She was always skinny, but now annie seems to be just bones. and it breaks my heart. it breaks every part of me. Shes been part of our family since the first grade. I don't know what its ( Read more... )

I just finished watching American Beauty again, and its a good thing to watch movies when your in a contemplative mood and ready to analyze things ( Read more... )

It's been way too long since I last updated this thing. Way ( Read more... )

I am spending my days writing music, rearranging my house, and returning pillows. It is luxurious to say the least. I am loving my solitude. I am realizing that I am an innate loner. It's kinda funny that I didn't notice it so much before. The soundtrack to my days consists of new tunes that I've written, Trail of the Dead, and The grateful dead ( Read more... )

i live my life circumscribed and self communing. it is best so. not like a princess in a thicket, more like a spider in her web inclined to snap at visitors or tresspassers. not perceiving the distinction between the two until it is too late.

the verse is rich but perhaps the metaphor richer...

The sun is back out and it's illuminating the grass to this almost neon-like green color. Too bad there is a satellite dish in my view as well. It's an eyesore in my pretty nature scene ( Read more... )

"Baby I'm a lost cause. I'm tired of fighting, fighting for a lost cause."-
Beck

I've been so out of sorts as of late. It's hard to write or think or do any
of the things I need to do. I've been just so extremely immersed in my own
world. Even writing right now about my altered reality is too real for me to
handle.

is that what all mothers are like? do you get treated as if who you really are doesnt matter as much as who she wants you to be ( Read more... )

Geez I know its been awhile since Ive last posted but Ive actually been rather busy. I just got back from wonderful New York. I want to move there. I'm sure that wouldnt help much..I'd still be the same person but ahh well. One can dream ( Read more... )