The Edmontosaurus Honked Plaintively
Title: The Edmontosaurus Honked Plaintively
Pairing: Pete/Patrick
Summary: Patrick is a secret dinosaur WITH SECRETS. The skull shows signs that Edmontosaurus may have had large inflatable flaps of skin near its nose, perhaps used to attract a mate, or to make a loud honking noise.
Notes: For fledmusic, who is in Costa Rica.
One day Pete notices that Patrick is overly enthusiastic about eating a salad.
"This salad, my God," Patrick says. He puts his hand on Pete's shoulder as if to keep himself from being blown away by how great this salad is to him. He takes a bite of it and closes his eyes. "If I close my eyes I can taste it better!"
"Lemme try it," Pete says. He goes to fork a bite of the salad that has Patrick in a state, but Patrick slaps his hand.
"Honk! It has walnuts in it," Patrick says, like this salad is too important to him to share.
"I had no idea nuts got you so excited," Pete says.
"Hoooonk," Patrick sighs and rolls his eyes. He finishes his salad with walnuts with no help from Pete.
Pete doesn't think anything of the honking at first. Maybe it's a sound effect Patrick gets when he exhales with food in his mouth.
~*~
Patrick is driving somewhere, and someone cuts him off or doesn't use their turn signal or goes the speed limit instead of flowing with traffic or whatever pisses Patrick off, so he calls Pete to complain about it.
"Why are people so fucking stupid?" Patrick says. He talks louder on the swear words, like he's yelling them out the window at people.
"I dunno, Patrick, because you're smarter than everyone?"
"Honk honk, you fucking asshole!" Patrick yells at someone, presumably out the window once more. "Gah."
"Are you riding a bike?" Pete asks. He's pretty sure Patrick just made honking noises for no reason, or he has a bicycle horn.
"Why the hell would you ask such a stupid question? How in the hell am I gonna ride a bike and talk on the phone at the same time?"
"You're good at multitasking," Pete says, implying something as heavily as he can. Pete remembers all instances of Patrick's multitasking very well. "Is your car horn broken?"
"No, why?" Patrick says, after a pause, like he was remembering, too. "Is the yelling bothering you? I just thought, you know, it's okay if you don't wanna talk."
"Uh, no," Pete says. He decides to let it go. Maybe it's like a self-censoring thing Patrick is doing, so he doesn't swear so much in one sentence. "If there's something I love more than listening to Patrick Stump yell at people, they haven't invented it yet."
"Good, you goddamn dumb asshole," Patrick yells right into the phone and not out the window, but he sounds happy about it.
~*~
Patrick was in the middle of recording some demos, and he sounded flawless. Normally Pete wanted to somehow make Patrick's singing palpable, like a loaf of bread, and slice it up and eat it so he could have it physically inside him. Maybe that was just when he was out of his mind he thought to do that, but the point was he loved Patrick and how perfect he was at everything.
That night, for some reason, it was pissing Pete off. Patrick working hard to make something great made Pete want to break his nose. Or, something else.
"Hey," Pete said. "I bet you can't do it while I'm in there."
"I sing all the time while you're walking around being a dickhead," Patrick said.
Patrick started recording. Pete didn't really have a plan on how to distract Patrick. He didn't want to make noise or anything, so he tried making faces. Patrick was unphased. He took Patrick's hat off his head. Patrick looked annoyed, but he continued singing, like nothing Pete did was important to him at all.
Pete just wanted a reaction.
He leaned his head on Patrick's shoulder and cupped Patrick's crotch through his pants. Patrick's nostrils flared and his voice got breathy, but he kept going. Pete kept going, too, until his knees were on the floor and Patrick's cock was in his mouth and Patrick's voice broke on some of Pete's words.
"I don't think we should use that song," Patrick said, after.
"Okay," Pete said. He'll remember exactly how it sounded anyway.
~*~
Pete listens in on Patrick's phone conversations a lot. Sometimes he can't help it, because Patrick yells on the phone all the time, but other times he puts his ear against the wall or the door or the floor or whatever barrier is between himself and Patrick's juicy convos.
Pete is listening one day when he hears Patrick yelling.
"No," Patrick says angrily. "No. No, absolutely not. You can't. You cannot mate with him." Pete's not sure if he heard that part correctly. Maybe Patrick said 'meet with him' or something. Or maybe 'meat with him' even though that doesn't make sense. He is only getting one side of the conversation, though.
Patrick is also honking again.
"Why would you do that?" Patrick starts yelling. "I was going to talk to him -- I just haven't yet! Honk! Honk!" There's a pause, apparently so the person on the other line can yell back. Pete wants to know who Patrick was going to talk to really badly, and who Patrick was going to mate or meet with. If anyone is mating with Patrick, Pete is gonna be pissed. It's not like, he didn't make an official claim on Patrick or anything, but he thought it was just common knowledge and courtesy for everyone to reject any advances from Patrick.
Pete doesn't hear talking on the other side of the door anymore, so he barges in.
"Who was that?" Pete asks. He tries not to sound like he was listening. He thinks he fails, but Patrick doesn't call him out on anything.
"Oh, just Ryan," Patrick says.
"Oh?" Pete is seriously dying to know what's going on, but he can't ask.
"He was just giving me an update on some things. Hooonk," Patrick sighs softly.
"Patrick, are you okay?" Pete is becoming legitimately concerned. He thinks Ryan Ross is great and all, but he shouldn't go around upsetting Patrick. He feels like making a video to post, Chris Crocker style. 'Leave Patrick alooooone!'
"I'm fine," Patrick says. "I just need to work on some stuff."
~*~
It happens again during a show.
"This ain't a scene," Patrick wails soulfully, "it's a honk, honk arms race."
Pete looks over to Joe, who is too busy twirling around in the air to notice anything. Pete looks back to Andy, who also doesn't seem to realize Patrick is honking. The crowd doesn't seem to have heard anything out of the ordinary either, so Pete goes over to Patrick and presses their backs together while they play. That's the fullest full body contact he's allowed, really. He hopes someone got this performance on film.
~*~
"This ain't a scene," Patrick wails soulfully in this YouTube video of that night's performance, "it's a goddamn arms race."
"Okay then," Pete says.
~*~
"Patrick, this review says you're the best singer of your generation," Pete says. Pete obviously agrees with this reviewer. All he has to do is think of that time, Patrick breathing and gasping through his singing, and he knows it's the truth.
"Oh, whatever," Patrick says. He shrugs bashfully and waves it off.
"You are," Pete insists.
"Honk honk," Patrick says, self conscious.
"Okay," Pete says. "Do you have a cold or something?"
"What? You just said I was the best singer of my generation."
"No, I mean, you keep like, you keep honking. Are you having an affair with Ryan Ross?"
There's a long pause. Pete watches as Patrick's cheeks get red, like he's embarrassed, and then as his whole face gets red, like he's enraged and is about to punch Pete in the face.
Pete puts his hands in front of his face and says, "Don't taze me, bro."
Patrick starts breathing really hard in and out of his nose. On some of the exhales he honks. Pete starts worrying about Patrick instead of his own face.
"You don't have to tell me anything," Pete says, soothingly. He puts his hand on Patrick's shoulder, and Patrick sighs and sits back against the couch. They're sitting so close they're on the same cushion, even though the couch has four cushions.
"No, I should probably tell you now," Patrick says. He takes a deep breath. "Pete, I'm a dinosaur."
"Okay," Pete says. "Like, in the sack?" He makes claw hands and a growly sexy face.
"No," Patrick says, uncomfortable. With the subject at hand or with Pete wondering how Patrick is in bed, Pete doesn't know. "I'm an actual dinosaur."
"Do you have a tail?" Pete asks, hopeful.
"Well, on the inside."
"Like in your soul?"
"Look," Patrick says. "Here's an analogy. It's like, you know in Harry Potter, when someone sees someone die, so that someone can see thestrals, but if you've never seen anyone die, you can't see anything?"
"Well, yeah."
"It's like that, but only if," Patrick says and stops. "Only if you're in love with the person."
"Oh, I get it," Pete says. "The people you're in love with can -- ohhh."
"Yeah," Patrick says.
"Oh," Pete says.
"I should've told you sooner," Patrick says. "Ever since that night, I've been thinking --" He stops, and he looks like he has no idea what to do. He turns to Pete and grabs him by the shoulders. "Pete, you're my best friend." He emphasizes the last two words by shaking Pete.
"You're mine, too," Pete says. He doesn't really know what else to do.
"And I am not having an affair with Ryan Ross," Patrick says. "It's not really my place to tell you this, but he's a dinosaur too."
"Oh, no way." Pete thinks about it. Pete does love Ryan a lot, but he doesn't remember hearing or seeing any dinosaurs traits from or on him.
"Yeah, and he must be t-rex or something, because he is vicious. He said he was gonna try and mate with you if I didn't." Patrick waves his hands around and scoots over. Pete scoots over with him. "Not that we have to mate in a sexual way again, or anything, just if I didn't tell you how I felt."
"Does Ryan have a tail?" Pete asks. "That's gonna be important in my decision on who to mate with."
Patrick puts his head in his hands and honks. "You're a complete and total furry and I'm sorry to know you."
"Patrick," Pete says. "I love and want to mate with you, too."
"Really?" Patrick asks. Patrick looks over at him, and he looks self conscious still, but also hopeful.
"Honk honk," Pete says, and he meets Patrick's lips with his own.
~*~THE END~*~
Read this next!
Pairing: Pete/Patrick
Summary: Patrick is a secret dinosaur WITH SECRETS. The skull shows signs that Edmontosaurus may have had large inflatable flaps of skin near its nose, perhaps used to attract a mate, or to make a loud honking noise.
Notes: For fledmusic, who is in Costa Rica.
One day Pete notices that Patrick is overly enthusiastic about eating a salad.
"This salad, my God," Patrick says. He puts his hand on Pete's shoulder as if to keep himself from being blown away by how great this salad is to him. He takes a bite of it and closes his eyes. "If I close my eyes I can taste it better!"
"Lemme try it," Pete says. He goes to fork a bite of the salad that has Patrick in a state, but Patrick slaps his hand.
"Honk! It has walnuts in it," Patrick says, like this salad is too important to him to share.
"I had no idea nuts got you so excited," Pete says.
"Hoooonk," Patrick sighs and rolls his eyes. He finishes his salad with walnuts with no help from Pete.
Pete doesn't think anything of the honking at first. Maybe it's a sound effect Patrick gets when he exhales with food in his mouth.
~*~
Patrick is driving somewhere, and someone cuts him off or doesn't use their turn signal or goes the speed limit instead of flowing with traffic or whatever pisses Patrick off, so he calls Pete to complain about it.
"Why are people so fucking stupid?" Patrick says. He talks louder on the swear words, like he's yelling them out the window at people.
"I dunno, Patrick, because you're smarter than everyone?"
"Honk honk, you fucking asshole!" Patrick yells at someone, presumably out the window once more. "Gah."
"Are you riding a bike?" Pete asks. He's pretty sure Patrick just made honking noises for no reason, or he has a bicycle horn.
"Why the hell would you ask such a stupid question? How in the hell am I gonna ride a bike and talk on the phone at the same time?"
"You're good at multitasking," Pete says, implying something as heavily as he can. Pete remembers all instances of Patrick's multitasking very well. "Is your car horn broken?"
"No, why?" Patrick says, after a pause, like he was remembering, too. "Is the yelling bothering you? I just thought, you know, it's okay if you don't wanna talk."
"Uh, no," Pete says. He decides to let it go. Maybe it's like a self-censoring thing Patrick is doing, so he doesn't swear so much in one sentence. "If there's something I love more than listening to Patrick Stump yell at people, they haven't invented it yet."
"Good, you goddamn dumb asshole," Patrick yells right into the phone and not out the window, but he sounds happy about it.
~*~
Patrick was in the middle of recording some demos, and he sounded flawless. Normally Pete wanted to somehow make Patrick's singing palpable, like a loaf of bread, and slice it up and eat it so he could have it physically inside him. Maybe that was just when he was out of his mind he thought to do that, but the point was he loved Patrick and how perfect he was at everything.
That night, for some reason, it was pissing Pete off. Patrick working hard to make something great made Pete want to break his nose. Or, something else.
"Hey," Pete said. "I bet you can't do it while I'm in there."
"I sing all the time while you're walking around being a dickhead," Patrick said.
Patrick started recording. Pete didn't really have a plan on how to distract Patrick. He didn't want to make noise or anything, so he tried making faces. Patrick was unphased. He took Patrick's hat off his head. Patrick looked annoyed, but he continued singing, like nothing Pete did was important to him at all.
Pete just wanted a reaction.
He leaned his head on Patrick's shoulder and cupped Patrick's crotch through his pants. Patrick's nostrils flared and his voice got breathy, but he kept going. Pete kept going, too, until his knees were on the floor and Patrick's cock was in his mouth and Patrick's voice broke on some of Pete's words.
"I don't think we should use that song," Patrick said, after.
"Okay," Pete said. He'll remember exactly how it sounded anyway.
~*~
Pete listens in on Patrick's phone conversations a lot. Sometimes he can't help it, because Patrick yells on the phone all the time, but other times he puts his ear against the wall or the door or the floor or whatever barrier is between himself and Patrick's juicy convos.
Pete is listening one day when he hears Patrick yelling.
"No," Patrick says angrily. "No. No, absolutely not. You can't. You cannot mate with him." Pete's not sure if he heard that part correctly. Maybe Patrick said 'meet with him' or something. Or maybe 'meat with him' even though that doesn't make sense. He is only getting one side of the conversation, though.
Patrick is also honking again.
"Why would you do that?" Patrick starts yelling. "I was going to talk to him -- I just haven't yet! Honk! Honk!" There's a pause, apparently so the person on the other line can yell back. Pete wants to know who Patrick was going to talk to really badly, and who Patrick was going to mate or meet with. If anyone is mating with Patrick, Pete is gonna be pissed. It's not like, he didn't make an official claim on Patrick or anything, but he thought it was just common knowledge and courtesy for everyone to reject any advances from Patrick.
Pete doesn't hear talking on the other side of the door anymore, so he barges in.
"Who was that?" Pete asks. He tries not to sound like he was listening. He thinks he fails, but Patrick doesn't call him out on anything.
"Oh, just Ryan," Patrick says.
"Oh?" Pete is seriously dying to know what's going on, but he can't ask.
"He was just giving me an update on some things. Hooonk," Patrick sighs softly.
"Patrick, are you okay?" Pete is becoming legitimately concerned. He thinks Ryan Ross is great and all, but he shouldn't go around upsetting Patrick. He feels like making a video to post, Chris Crocker style. 'Leave Patrick alooooone!'
"I'm fine," Patrick says. "I just need to work on some stuff."
~*~
It happens again during a show.
"This ain't a scene," Patrick wails soulfully, "it's a honk, honk arms race."
Pete looks over to Joe, who is too busy twirling around in the air to notice anything. Pete looks back to Andy, who also doesn't seem to realize Patrick is honking. The crowd doesn't seem to have heard anything out of the ordinary either, so Pete goes over to Patrick and presses their backs together while they play. That's the fullest full body contact he's allowed, really. He hopes someone got this performance on film.
~*~
"This ain't a scene," Patrick wails soulfully in this YouTube video of that night's performance, "it's a goddamn arms race."
"Okay then," Pete says.
~*~
"Patrick, this review says you're the best singer of your generation," Pete says. Pete obviously agrees with this reviewer. All he has to do is think of that time, Patrick breathing and gasping through his singing, and he knows it's the truth.
"Oh, whatever," Patrick says. He shrugs bashfully and waves it off.
"You are," Pete insists.
"Honk honk," Patrick says, self conscious.
"Okay," Pete says. "Do you have a cold or something?"
"What? You just said I was the best singer of my generation."
"No, I mean, you keep like, you keep honking. Are you having an affair with Ryan Ross?"
There's a long pause. Pete watches as Patrick's cheeks get red, like he's embarrassed, and then as his whole face gets red, like he's enraged and is about to punch Pete in the face.
Pete puts his hands in front of his face and says, "Don't taze me, bro."
Patrick starts breathing really hard in and out of his nose. On some of the exhales he honks. Pete starts worrying about Patrick instead of his own face.
"You don't have to tell me anything," Pete says, soothingly. He puts his hand on Patrick's shoulder, and Patrick sighs and sits back against the couch. They're sitting so close they're on the same cushion, even though the couch has four cushions.
"No, I should probably tell you now," Patrick says. He takes a deep breath. "Pete, I'm a dinosaur."
"Okay," Pete says. "Like, in the sack?" He makes claw hands and a growly sexy face.
"No," Patrick says, uncomfortable. With the subject at hand or with Pete wondering how Patrick is in bed, Pete doesn't know. "I'm an actual dinosaur."
"Do you have a tail?" Pete asks, hopeful.
"Well, on the inside."
"Like in your soul?"
"Look," Patrick says. "Here's an analogy. It's like, you know in Harry Potter, when someone sees someone die, so that someone can see thestrals, but if you've never seen anyone die, you can't see anything?"
"Well, yeah."
"It's like that, but only if," Patrick says and stops. "Only if you're in love with the person."
"Oh, I get it," Pete says. "The people you're in love with can -- ohhh."
"Yeah," Patrick says.
"Oh," Pete says.
"I should've told you sooner," Patrick says. "Ever since that night, I've been thinking --" He stops, and he looks like he has no idea what to do. He turns to Pete and grabs him by the shoulders. "Pete, you're my best friend." He emphasizes the last two words by shaking Pete.
"You're mine, too," Pete says. He doesn't really know what else to do.
"And I am not having an affair with Ryan Ross," Patrick says. "It's not really my place to tell you this, but he's a dinosaur too."
"Oh, no way." Pete thinks about it. Pete does love Ryan a lot, but he doesn't remember hearing or seeing any dinosaurs traits from or on him.
"Yeah, and he must be t-rex or something, because he is vicious. He said he was gonna try and mate with you if I didn't." Patrick waves his hands around and scoots over. Pete scoots over with him. "Not that we have to mate in a sexual way again, or anything, just if I didn't tell you how I felt."
"Does Ryan have a tail?" Pete asks. "That's gonna be important in my decision on who to mate with."
Patrick puts his head in his hands and honks. "You're a complete and total furry and I'm sorry to know you."
"Patrick," Pete says. "I love and want to mate with you, too."
"Really?" Patrick asks. Patrick looks over at him, and he looks self conscious still, but also hopeful.
"Honk honk," Pete says, and he meets Patrick's lips with his own.
~*~THE END~*~
Read this next!