>_> ........
We have a new president, so now have some crack fic?
So okay, a few days ago makesomelove wrote me this, in which Patrick is a SECRET DINOSAUR. More specifically, an Edmontosaurus, because it's maybe the cutest dinosaur of all time? It made honking noises, okay?! And Ryan Ross is a t-rex! So okay, that was pretty much the best thing ever.
And then the next morning Kota My Triceratops, a life-size baby dinosaur children's toy was discovered. And we were sort of horrified, because I mean, look at it! It's a creepy robot dinosaur! Watch the video on that page if you don't believe me.
makesomelove: patrick
makesomelove: would
makesomelove: be
makesomelove: so
makesomelove: jealous
makesomelove: of kota
rain_dances: fsjd;klaaaaaaa
makesomelove: YOU CANNOT M8 WITH PETE KOTA
rain_dances: afsl;dj;als patrick talking to it
rain_dances: HOOONK HOOOONK
makesomelove: HONK HONK >(
Umm, so naturally, I had to write Kota being an evil animatronic dinosaur? Think of it as a belated Halloween fic. In which Patrick, the secret dinosaur, is tormented by a Playskool dinosaur toy. Yeah, uhh. It's 100% the dumbest thing I've ever written. However, I did legitimately creep myself out, thinking that I was going to wake up and find Kota staring at me, so there's that.
Read Bran's fic first, because it will explain a lot, and is also about a million times better than mine. ♥ I'm only posting this because she's making me.
Thank you to minor_fifth, the best BFF, for providing me with opinions and ideas, especially for the title, which made me laugh for five minutes straight. Props to anyone who understands the reference!
This is so not real. Any of it.
Do Robotic Triceratops Dream of Electric-Bass Players?
Pete/Patrick (with appearances by Ryan Ross!)
~5,000 words
PG-13 for...robotic dinosaur terror? and sexual situations? I don't know!
Patrick comes home to find Pete sitting on top of an animatronic life-size baby dinosaur.
"Oh jesus," Patrick gasps.
Pete says, "Patrick, look! He likes when you touch his horns!"
Patrick groans and takes off his glasses to rub at his eyes. "I can only blame myself for this."
---
"...And he laughs when you tickle his chin!" Pete grabs Patrick's hand and pulls him back into the living room, where Kota the Triceratops is currently residing. Patrick had left the room mere seconds after entering it, intending on leaving Pete to his own devices. Apparently Pete doesn't want to be left to his own devices though. No, he wants to introduce Patrick to...Kota.
The thing is standing there, blinking and tilting its head creepily. Patrick doesn't like it.
"He can tell when you pet him, Patrick, it's the coolest thing ever! C'mon, let him sniff your hand."
Patrick rolls his eyes, but kneels down on the ground next to Pete and holds out his hand. The...Kota...thing sniffs it curiously and says, "hooonk."
"Honk!" Patrick says in surprise and startles, grabbing onto Pete's arm. The dinosaur just stares at him, blinking all innocently.
Pete laughs. "Aww, that's so cute. I think he likes you."
Patrick glares at him, and then turns to glare at this dinosaur impostor. He thinks Pete is wrong. He thinks Kota doesn't like him at all. And the feeling is mutual.
Hemingway growls from his hiding place under the coffee table. He gets it, at least.
---
"I think you should get rid of it," Patrick says later, when he and Pete are getting ready for bed.
"Hngh?" Pete responds while brushing his teeth.
Patrick takes off his glasses and gets into bed. "That...thing. It needs to go."
Pete makes a noise of protest that sounds something like "Nnnnhhh!" before going to to spit out the toothpaste in the sink.
"Hooonk," Kota agrees, because, of course, Pete insisted on bringing him into the bedroom and refuses to turn him off for the night.
Patrick pulls the covers up to his chin and peers over the edge of the bed. Kota is staring at him, eyes wide and unblinking.
"'Trick, it's just a toy," Pete says, turning off the lights and crawling into bed next to Patrick. "You can like, bond over dinosaur stuff. Quit hogging the blankets, asshole."
Patrick relents his death grip on the comforter. Pete snuggles close and it would almost be nice, except for the fact that that...monstrosity is at the foot of the bed, making weird snorting sounds. Patrick sits up to glance over the bed, and he can see the white of its humongous eyes gleaming in the darkness.
Patrick honks quietly and lays back down quickly, burying his face in Pete's neck. Pete makes a contented noise and tangles their legs together.
Patrick doesn't sleep at all.
---
The next day, Patrick calls Ryan Ross. They've had their differences in the past, but Patrick really wants to get Ryan's expert dinosaur opinion on this one. Ryan comes over right away. Patrick takes him into the kitchen, where Kota is happily munching on his 'leafy snack' that came with him.
Ryan looks at him...it, and narrows his eyes. "I don't trust it."
He steps closer and reaches out his freakishly long hand towards Kota.
"Hoooonk," Kota says, tilting his head up to look at Ryan, and Ryan stares right back. They stay that way for at least a minute.
Kota blinks first.
"Raawoorgh," Ryan says to Patrick, and Patrick nods in agreement. This thing is definitely bad news.
---
Patrick wakes up in the middle of the night to find Pete staring at him. This is not uncommon. What is sort of uncommon though, is that Pete is holding a tape recorder close to Patrick's face.
"Honk," Patrick grumbles sleepily, flailing his hands in Pete's general direction. "What're doin'."
Pete hits the stop button on the recorder. "Recording your sleeping noises," he whispers.
"That's really creepy," Patrick whispers back.
"Whispering is bad for your voice," Pete says, still whispering, and Patrick rolls his eyes.
"Please stop recording my sleeping noises," he says in a normal voice.
Pete clutches the tape recorder to his chest protectively. "But your dinosnores are so cute."
Patrick stares at him blankly for a few seconds. His mouth twitches. Then he starts laughing.
Pete smiles, pleased. "What?"
"Dinosnores," Patrick giggles. "You idiot. C'mere."
He pulls Pete towards him and puts the tape recorder on the bedside table, then cups Pete's face between his hands and kisses him.
Pete sighs happily and presses closer.
"Dinosnores," Patrick starts laughing again when Pete pulls away for a second to push Patrick onto his back. He stops laughing when Pete straddles him.
"Oh." he says, suddenly breathless, and then Pete's leaning over him, hair falling into his dark eyes, and kissing him again, and it's just getting to be really awesome, when-
"Hooonk," Kota snorts from somewhere across the room, and it really scares the shit out of Patrick. It also threatens to make him not want to have sex anymore. But Pete really really turns him on, so it's not quite enough.
"Get that thing out of here right the fuck now," Patrick gasps, because that stupid thing is so not going to stop him from getting laid, and Pete stares down at him, eyes wide, and says, "yeah, yeah, okay, just, don't move, I'll just-"
And then he's off the bed and scooping Kota up off the ground and placing him out in the hallway.
"Sorry, Kota," Pete apologizes, before slamming the door.
Even though it's just a toy, and makes noises at random, Patrick could swear that the honking noise it makes is one of annoyance. Patrick smirks.
Then Pete practically pounces on him, and Patrick stops thinking about scary animatronic toys.
---
Kota is trying to get back at Patrick for last night. Patrick knows it. Because he just tried to make a salad, and his walnuts are missing.
"Did you take my walnuts?" Patrick asks accusingly. Kota just stares at him while chewing on his leaf.
"Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about."
Kota blinks. Patrick snaps.
Pete comes into the kitchen to find Patrick on the floor attempting to wrestle Kota's leaf away from him, and yelling, "Hooonk, you fucker, where the hooonk did you hide my walnuts?! Give me that, I'm gonna hoooonk you so hard, you won't even know what-"
"Patrick!" Pete is staring at him with his mouth open.
Patrick guiltily lets go of Kota's leaf and scrambles to his feet. "I was just trying to...and hooonk...my walnuts," he says desperately, like it's really important that Pete understand this.
"You have your own leafy snacks, you don't need to steal Kota's," Pete says disapprovingly, patting Kota on the head. Kota laughs in what is supposed to be a happy way, but is actually terribly maniacal. Patrick glowers at it.
"I brought you some more walnuts," Pete says, holding up a grocery bag. "Sorry, I got hungry this morning. For your nuts."
Patrick blushes, embarrassed, barely even registering the horrible joke Pete just made. Kota laughs evilly.
---
He wakes to heavy breathing close to his ear.
"Pete, cut it out," Patrick mumbles, rolling over to whack Pete on the head or something, but finds Pete sound asleep, clutching his pillow, mouth open and drooling.
Patrick smiles and shakes his head, reaches out to brush Pete's hair back off of his forehead, before realizing that, oh crap, where is that creepy breathing come from then? Oh. shit. He winces, and turns over to peer cautiously over the side of the bed.
Kota is standing there, staring at him. Patrick stares back.
Kota opens his mouth with a mechanical creak, blinking slowly, his eyes glinting with the early morning light peeking in through the blinds, and croaks out, "Peeete. Miiiine."
At least that's what Patrick hears. He knows that if Pete were awake, all he would have heard is something like, "hooooonk raaaawr," but Patrick knows better.
"You wish," he honks back, trying to look intimidating as possible, and turns his back to Kota defiantly.
He's not going to let Kota see his fear.
---
"I could destroy it for you," Ryan says. He says this while viciously devouring a meat kabob, which makes the statement that much more impressive, Patrick thinks.
And the offer is tempting, but. "No, that would look too suspicious. Pete would know what had happened, and then he'd just hate us, and get a new Kota. Things were a lot less complicated before he knew you were a t-rex."
"So what can we do?" Ryan asks through a mouthful of steak. Patrick honks queasily.
"I don't know. I just know I have to get rid of it somehow. Before it gets rid of me."
---
Patrick is in the bathroom washing his hands, when he glances in the mirror and sees Kota standing in the doorway.
Patrick screams. Like, a real, genuine, piercing horror movie scream. At least Pete isn't home to hear it.
Kota honks and laughs, wiggling his horns.
And like, looking up and seeing that thing staring at you in the mirror would be scary enough, except Patrick's sure he left Kota in the living room. Downstairs. Kota is not supposed to be able to walk long distances. Or up stairs, for that matter. Patrick looked in the instruction manual to make sure. It was the one thing that had given him some comfort.
Heart practically beating out of his chest, Patrick picks Kota up and shoves him in the closet. He shuts the door. Then he pushes his bedside table in front of the door for good measure. Then he goes downstairs and curls up under a huge blanket on the couch, turning on the tv so it's not completely quiet. He wishes Pete were here.
Patrick calls for Hemingway, and lets him jump up on the couch, pulls him close. If he can't have Pete here, his dog is the next best thing. Hemmy won't let anything happen to him.
The laugh-track starts up on Home Improvement.
"Hooonk, hahahahahaha," Patrick hears way, way too close and loud to be coming from the closet upstairs. No. No way. No fucking way. He takes a deep breath and pulls the blanket down just enough so he can see.
Kota is standing in the connecting doorway between the kitchen and the living room. Hemmy barks sharply, squirming in Patrick's grasp.
"Hooooooooonk!" Patrick wails in distress, frozen on the couch for a second, before making his decision. He picks Hemmy up, which is not easy, because this dog has become absolutely enormous, sprints out into the entry way, the entrance that Kota is not standing in, and then to the bathroom down the hall. He locks himself in, sitting on the closed toilet seat, breathing hard, as Hemmy paws at his legs in concern. Patrick doesn't have his phone on him. Though, really, what would he do if he did have it? Call 911? Sorry to bother you, but I think a robotic dinosaur is trying to kill me. Yeah, no.
After about 45 minutes, Patrick hears the front door open, and then Pete calling, "Patrick?" and Hemmy scratching the door and whining in reaction to Pete's voice.
Patrick honks in relief and throws the door open. He runs down the hall, Hemmy at his side, and launches himself into Pete's arms, clinging as hard as he can. If he's crying a little bit, then well. He's being stalked by a life-size child's toy, okay. And it's not even like he's a badass dinosaur, like Ryan. He's pretty much useless, aside from honking and eating leaves and running away from other, bigger dinosaurs. Like Ryan.
"'Trick, holy shit, are you okay? Fuck, what happened? Are you hurt? Did someone break in? Shit shit shit," Pete is rambling, running his hands gently down Patrick's back and sides, as if checking for injuries.
Patrick doesn't answer. He's actually not sure what to say. It all sounds ridiculous.
"Patrick, hey, c'mon, you gotta talk to me." Pete sounds really freaked out, like he's going to start crying, and Patrick doesn't want that, so he takes Pete's hand and pulls him toward the stairs.
"You just...you have to see...I can't explain...just," he says, and drags Pete after him. Hemmy follows them, whining softly.
"Look, okay, I put it in there, and now-" Patrick is telling Pete as they enter the bedroom, gesturing towards the.
The closed closet door, with the bedside table pushed in front of it.
"Umm," Pete says, and Patrick stomps his foot in frustration. That little fucker. Hemmy barks, as if in agreement.
Pete pushes the bedside table away, and opens the door, to reveal Kota sleeping in the dark, snort-snoring, as if he hadn't just been downstairs, scaring Patrick half to death.
"Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but. I put it in there, because it was following me around the house, and then I went downstairs, and it somehow got out and was back downstairs, so I ran and hid in the bathroom, because. Because," Patrick honks in frustration. He just sounds like a complete idiot.
Pete looks really worried, like he's afraid Patrick has had some sort of mental breakdown.
"No, seriously," Patrick says emphatically, leaving the room and running down the stairs. Pete follows him.
"See, I came down here and turned on the tv and sat on the couch..." he gestures to emphasize his point, and Pete looks at the tv, which is currently showing Friends, and the blanket on the couch.
"Did you fall asleep on the couch?" Pete asks, and Patrick thinks he's completely missed the point.
"No. I told you, I came down here, because I didn't want to be upstairs with it in the closet. I was scared, okay."
Pete looks, weirdly enough, relieved. "Are you sure you didn't get freaked out, put Kota in the closet, come down here, fall asleep, have a bad dream about him being down here, and then woke up and ran to the bathroom?"
Patrick's 100% sure that's not what happened. Well. At least he thinks it is. Pete sounds so reasonable, and just. It's really easy to believe right now that the whole thing was a dream. Except, well, that first part, with Kota somehow getting upstairs all by himself.
"Don't you dare laugh at me," he tells Pete warningly, and Pete reaches out and pulls Patrick down onto the couch.
"Hey, I'm the last person in the world who can laugh at people for having bad dreams," he says, letting Patrick curl around him, and even though he doesn't really get it, Patrick feels a little better.
But only a little.
Hemmy joins them after a few seconds, apparently not wanting to be left alone upstairs with Kota either. Patrick is glad someone understands.
---
"Did I tell you it also plays songs?" Patrick says to Ryan when he calls to alert him to the fact that Kota is definitely a psycho killer.
"It's like it's trying to replace you in every way possible," Ryan says, not very sympathetically. Well, Patrick's not sure what he's expecting from a t-rex. They are his natural enemy, after all.
"The songs are, to quote from this online guide, 'meant to help take your child on a true dinosaur adventure.'" Patrick reads, practically spitting out the words.
"It sings, it can take Pete on a true dinosaur adventure...sounds like it can do everything you can do."
Patrick honks angrily. Ryan just laughs at him.
---
Patrick figures it's time he makes an ultimatum. He walks purposefully into the living room, where Pete is lying on the ground tickling Kota's belly and Kota is laughing that stupid evil laugh, and announces, "I'm making an ultimatum."
Pete stops what he's doing, and tilts his head so he's looking at Patrick upside down. Kota tilts his head and blinks once. No one says anything. Patrick feels kind of uncomfortable. He shifts his feet awkwardly.
"Umm. Yeah. So. Here's an ultimatum: either you get rid of that thing, of Kota, or I'm moving out."
Pete laughs. Patrick doesn't.
"Oh wait, wow, you're serious," Pete says, rolling over so he's right side up.
Patrick nods.
"Patrick, that's-"
And Patrick knows Pete's going to say something like ridiculous or insane or totally lame (probably the latter, he is Pete) but the thing is, it's not, and Patrick's not going to let him say it.
"You can either have a fake dinosaur," he points at Kota, "or the real thing," he gestures vaguely to his body, says it without really thinking, and oh my god, that is probably the stupidest thing he's ever said in his entire life, and he kind of wants to die, and based on the way Pete is biting his lip, it sounded as ridiculous out-loud as it did in Patrick's head.
"You know it's just a toy, right?" Pete asks, and Patrick doesn't want to say what he says next, but he can't help it.
"It is not just a toy! It's evil, and it hates me!"
"Patrick, come on-"
"Your dog agrees with me!"
This actually seems to get Pete thinking, because Hemmy is nowhere to be found, and doesn't come into the room when he is called, and basically just hides all the time, wherever Kota isn't. Patrick takes this moment of weakness and runs with it.
"Dinosaurs do not handle competition well. So it's either me, or that," he hisses, glaring at Kota, who totally narrows his eyes.
Pete looks back and forth between them, as if considering, then says, "I don't know, I mean. You're both dinosaurs, you both sing. If I could cut a hole in him, it would basically be the same thing."
And he's laughing as he says it, and it's the stupidest, grossest joke ever, Patrick knows it's supposed to be a joke, but the thing is, it's not funny. Like, on multiple levels. One, it's not funny in general (okay, so it's a little funny) because eugh, and two, it's just. Not.
So Patrick glares and growls, "Is that right?" and then he's on the ground, and on top of Pete, kissing him hard, and he's going to show him exactly how not the same thing it really is.
---
"Well?" Patrick says awhile later, turning to look at Pete, who is sprawled out on the floor next to him, gasping for breath, his eyes glazed over.
"Nghhhh," is Pete's response.
Patrick doesn't even try to not sound smug. "Yeah."
Pete turns to Patrick, smiling at him dreamily. "Y'win. Killed me. 'M dead."
He scoots closer until he's completely wrapped around Patrick, head on his chest, and Patrick kisses his sweat-matted hair. "Nah, I think you're gonna make it."
"Dude," Pete mumbles a few minutes later, having apparently acquired a bit more brain function. "Y'just fucked me on the floor next to Kota."
Patrick glances over at the thing, and it's staring at them. Patrick hopes it got the message. "Yep."
Pete giggles drowsily. "Gross."
---
Patrick goes and meets Ryan for lunch the next day, to fill him in on the latest happenings with Kota.
"I think it won't be a problem anymore," Patrick tells him, watching disapprovingly as Ryan practically inhales his steak; Patrick picks at his salad.
Ryan swallows his enormous mouthful of meat and says, "You mean we can get rid of it without Pete caring?"
Patrick nods. "I think so. I don't think he gets it, but I was pretty...convincing, I'd say."
Ryan grimaces. "I don't want to hear about it. But good, this Kota thing was really putting a damper on my vacation."
"Glad to hear you were so concerned about my well-being."
There's an urgent beeping noise, and Patrick realizes he's getting a text. He pulls out his phone, still rolling his eyes at Ryan, and then his heart stops beating. It's from Pete. It says:
OHMYFUCKINGGOD PLEASE COME HOME
"We have to go." Patrick stands up and pulls Ryan with him.
Ryan roars at him. "I wasn't finished eating! Let go, oww, this is a new shirt, you're going to rip it."
Patrick doesn't listen, and doesn't stop until he's thrown Ryan in the passenger seat of his car and has started driving.
"We left without paying, you know," Ryan chastises him, but Patrick really doesn't care.
"I just got a text from Pete," he tells Ryan, showing him his phone.
"It's in all caps," Ryan gasps, eyes wide.
Patrick nods seriously. "It's after him."
His phone rings, and he snatches it away from Ryan.
"Pete?"
"PATRICK! KOTA! HE'S! AND!" Pete shrieks in his ear, and Patrick steps on the gas pedal.
"I know, we're on our way," he promises, but Pete just keeps screeching.
"I TOOK THE BATTERIES OUT, BECAUSE HE WAS STARTING TO FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT, BUT IT DIDN'T STOP, AND NOW HE HAS ME CORNERED IN THE BEDROOM, AND WHAT THE FUCK!"
"Pete, listen to me. I promise, I'm going to be there in like, less than 5 minutes, you just need to-"
Pete screams, and then the call drops.
"This thing is going down," Patrick says, running a red light and getting honked at several times. "Hooooonk!" he shouts back out the window.
Ryan roars in agreement.
---
They barge into the house, ready to kick some toy dinosaur ass.
"Patrick!" Pete screams from upstairs, and both Patrick and Ryan charge up the stairs as fast as they can.
Pete is on the bed, huddled against the headboard, clutching Hemmy like a life raft. Kota is on the bed, too, slowly creeping towards Pete, his tail and horns wagging.
"Get the fuck away from him, you piece of hooooooonk!" Patrick yells, and Kota jerkily turns around, facing them with a defiant robotic roar.
So, Patrick's not exactly sure how they're going to go about defeating this thing, it's not like he has the teeth or claws for something like this, and Kota, though just a children's toy, is not to be underestimated. Pete looks terrified, hiding his face in Hemmy's fur.
Ryan doesn't look intimidated.
"Get Pete out of here," he grumbles, not taking his eyes off of Kota. "I'll take care of this."
"But-" Patrick doesn't want to leave Ryan alone to do this; he feels like just another useless herbivore.
Ryan just bares his teeth and growls, and Patrick gets the message. Kota appears to be distracted by Ryan, so Patrick edges along the side of the room until he's even with the headboard of the bed, and then slowly creeps toward Pete. He reaches out a hand to touch Pete's shoulder, and Pete lets out a strangled scream before he looks up and realizes it's Patrick. Patrick clamps his hand over Pete's mouth, and Pete looks back at him, eyes wide.
"Let's go," Patrick mouths silently, and Pete nods emphatically.
Kota is still engaged in a showdown with Ryan, stomping his feet and not paying any attention to them when, Hemmy squirming in Pete's arms, they make their way towards the door.
Patrick can tell when Kota realizes they're escaping, because he lets out an irritated honk, and Patrick's sure they're not going to make it, but Ryan says, "Don't even think about it," and shoves Pete and Patrick (and Hemmy) the rest of the way out of the bedroom and then slams the door. Patrick hopes that Ryan will make it out of there alive.
"We shouldn't leave him in there by himself!" Pete says emphatically, like he's going to run back in and help out, but the fact that he's still cradling Hemmy in his arms like his dog is going to protect him from all harm sort of negates his enthusiasm.
Patrick winces as he hears roaring noises and something that sounds like glass breaking from inside the room. "I think he can handle himself. Are you okay?" he asks, because Pete doesn't look so good. Not that he really should look good, but still.
Pete looks at Patrick like he's crazy, finally setting Hemmy back on the ground. "Dude. I mean. I sort of had an animatronic child's toy trying to like...okay, I don't even wanna know what it was trying to do, but a robotic dinosaur with the batteries taken out was threatening my life. I'm gonna be fucked in the head for years."
"Well, how do you think I felt?" Patrick crosses his arms in annoyance. "That thing was stalking me for weeks, and you just thought I was crazy. You have no idea how many times I woke up in the middle of the night expecting to be dead!"
"How could you wake up if you were dead?"
From behind the closed door, Ryan lets out an enraged roar. Hemmy takes off down the stairs. He probably has the right idea; standing right outside the door where an epic dinosaur vs. robot dinosaur battle is occurring is really not the best idea.
"Fuck off. The point is, I was being tormented for way longer than you were," Patrick shouts over the noise.
"Raaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwrgh," says Ryan from the other room.
"Yeah, but my torment was more intense," Pete yells back.
Something, or some things, hit the ground with a loud thud, causing the walls and floors to vibrate.
"This is a stupid thing to argue about," Patrick screams.
"You're just saying that because you know I'm right!"
Pete jumps back from the door when what Patrick assumes is Ryan slams against it from the other side, causing yet another loud vibration, right into Patrick, who brings his arms up to wrap around him automatically. Pete clings back.
"I'm sorry I didn't trust your dinosaur instincts," he whispers into Patrick's ear.
"'S'okay. I wouldn'tve believed me either."
There's a long, anguished roar, a horrible tearing noise, and another loud thump on the ground before all the noise from behind the door suddenly stops. It's absolutely silent. Even Patrick's sensitive dinosaur hearing isn't picking up on anything. Pete is frozen completely still in his arms, body strung so tight, Patrick can practically feel him vibrating.
Just when Patrick's sure that Kota's about to burst out of the room ready to destroy them, Ryan throws open the door to the bedroom with a dramatic flourish. His clothes are torn, his lip is bleeding, and he has one long cut across his left cheek. Other than that, he looks perfectly fine.
"I need a drink," he says, heading for the stairs without another word.
Patrick and Pete peek into the bedroom. What remains of Kota is strewn pretty much everywhere, a mess of sparking wires and stuffing and plastic.
"We're gonna have to sleep in here," Pete says, horrified. "Oh my god, I can never have sex in this room ever again."
---
They clean up the mess and throw the Kota parts into the dumpster outside. It's garbage day tomorrow, thankfully.
Patrick makes a note to get Ryan a gift of some kind. Maybe some steaks.
"So I wonder what it is about me," Pete comments as they climb into bed. In the guest bedroom. It's going to take a little while for them to be able to sleep in the room where Kota met his demise.
"Huh?" Patrick asks, yawning. It's been a long day.
"I mean, what it is about me that makes me so appealing. Y'know, to dinosaurs."
Patrick snorts and rubs his eyes.
"It's probably your teeth."
"Hey!" Pete says, frowning. "How do you know it's not my awesome ass?"
Patrick pats Pete on the arm in mock sympathy. "Yes, I'm sure that's it."
Pete makes a face, but it doesn't stop him from wanting to cuddle, apparently, based on the way he's practically pasted himself to Patrick's side.
"Anyway, I learned my lesson," Pete yawns a moment later. "You're the only dinosaur for me, Patrick Stump."
"Good," Patrick mumbles, feeling like he could drop off to sleep at any second. Not that he's not happy to hear it, he's just. Going to fall asleep soon. It'll be his first good night's sleep in weeks, now that he doesn't have to worry about Kota anymore.
He's just on the verge of starting that good night's sleep, when Pete says, "Though I don't know. Kota did have a pretty awesome tail."
Patrick opens his eyes to see Pete grinning at him.
"I've got a tail too, you know."
"Yeah, you keep saying that, but have I gotten to see it? No, I haven't. I don't know, I think you're holding out on me, Stump."
Patrick groans in frustration. "Fine. Maybe one day soon. If you're good."
"I will be so good, Patrick, you have no idea," Pete says, kicking his legs excitedly.
"Awesome." Sometimes Pete is really terrifying.
"Dino-mite," Pete giggles, and Patrick manages not to laugh for a whole 10 seconds. Then he lets Pete kiss him.
---
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
At the dump, a garbage truck unloads a giant pile of trash onto the heap.
From underneath the pizza boxes and old couch cushions and discarded electronic equipment, comes a mechanical creaking sound.
A slashed and torn robotic dinosaur tail pops out of the rubble, waving back and forth ominously.
THE END
In conclusion, Pete is a furry. Hoonk hoooonk!
So okay, a few days ago makesomelove wrote me this, in which Patrick is a SECRET DINOSAUR. More specifically, an Edmontosaurus, because it's maybe the cutest dinosaur of all time? It made honking noises, okay?! And Ryan Ross is a t-rex! So okay, that was pretty much the best thing ever.
And then the next morning Kota My Triceratops, a life-size baby dinosaur children's toy was discovered. And we were sort of horrified, because I mean, look at it! It's a creepy robot dinosaur! Watch the video on that page if you don't believe me.
makesomelove: patrick
makesomelove: would
makesomelove: be
makesomelove: so
makesomelove: jealous
makesomelove: of kota
rain_dances: fsjd;klaaaaaaa
makesomelove: YOU CANNOT M8 WITH PETE KOTA
rain_dances: afsl;dj;als patrick talking to it
rain_dances: HOOONK HOOOONK
makesomelove: HONK HONK >(
Umm, so naturally, I had to write Kota being an evil animatronic dinosaur? Think of it as a belated Halloween fic. In which Patrick, the secret dinosaur, is tormented by a Playskool dinosaur toy. Yeah, uhh. It's 100% the dumbest thing I've ever written. However, I did legitimately creep myself out, thinking that I was going to wake up and find Kota staring at me, so there's that.
Read Bran's fic first, because it will explain a lot, and is also about a million times better than mine. ♥ I'm only posting this because she's making me.
Thank you to minor_fifth, the best BFF, for providing me with opinions and ideas, especially for the title, which made me laugh for five minutes straight. Props to anyone who understands the reference!
This is so not real. Any of it.
Do Robotic Triceratops Dream of Electric-Bass Players?
Pete/Patrick (with appearances by Ryan Ross!)
~5,000 words
PG-13 for...robotic dinosaur terror? and sexual situations? I don't know!
Patrick comes home to find Pete sitting on top of an animatronic life-size baby dinosaur.
"Oh jesus," Patrick gasps.
Pete says, "Patrick, look! He likes when you touch his horns!"
Patrick groans and takes off his glasses to rub at his eyes. "I can only blame myself for this."
---
"...And he laughs when you tickle his chin!" Pete grabs Patrick's hand and pulls him back into the living room, where Kota the Triceratops is currently residing. Patrick had left the room mere seconds after entering it, intending on leaving Pete to his own devices. Apparently Pete doesn't want to be left to his own devices though. No, he wants to introduce Patrick to...Kota.
The thing is standing there, blinking and tilting its head creepily. Patrick doesn't like it.
"He can tell when you pet him, Patrick, it's the coolest thing ever! C'mon, let him sniff your hand."
Patrick rolls his eyes, but kneels down on the ground next to Pete and holds out his hand. The...Kota...thing sniffs it curiously and says, "hooonk."
"Honk!" Patrick says in surprise and startles, grabbing onto Pete's arm. The dinosaur just stares at him, blinking all innocently.
Pete laughs. "Aww, that's so cute. I think he likes you."
Patrick glares at him, and then turns to glare at this dinosaur impostor. He thinks Pete is wrong. He thinks Kota doesn't like him at all. And the feeling is mutual.
Hemingway growls from his hiding place under the coffee table. He gets it, at least.
---
"I think you should get rid of it," Patrick says later, when he and Pete are getting ready for bed.
"Hngh?" Pete responds while brushing his teeth.
Patrick takes off his glasses and gets into bed. "That...thing. It needs to go."
Pete makes a noise of protest that sounds something like "Nnnnhhh!" before going to to spit out the toothpaste in the sink.
"Hooonk," Kota agrees, because, of course, Pete insisted on bringing him into the bedroom and refuses to turn him off for the night.
Patrick pulls the covers up to his chin and peers over the edge of the bed. Kota is staring at him, eyes wide and unblinking.
"'Trick, it's just a toy," Pete says, turning off the lights and crawling into bed next to Patrick. "You can like, bond over dinosaur stuff. Quit hogging the blankets, asshole."
Patrick relents his death grip on the comforter. Pete snuggles close and it would almost be nice, except for the fact that that...monstrosity is at the foot of the bed, making weird snorting sounds. Patrick sits up to glance over the bed, and he can see the white of its humongous eyes gleaming in the darkness.
Patrick honks quietly and lays back down quickly, burying his face in Pete's neck. Pete makes a contented noise and tangles their legs together.
Patrick doesn't sleep at all.
---
The next day, Patrick calls Ryan Ross. They've had their differences in the past, but Patrick really wants to get Ryan's expert dinosaur opinion on this one. Ryan comes over right away. Patrick takes him into the kitchen, where Kota is happily munching on his 'leafy snack' that came with him.
Ryan looks at him...it, and narrows his eyes. "I don't trust it."
He steps closer and reaches out his freakishly long hand towards Kota.
"Hoooonk," Kota says, tilting his head up to look at Ryan, and Ryan stares right back. They stay that way for at least a minute.
Kota blinks first.
"Raawoorgh," Ryan says to Patrick, and Patrick nods in agreement. This thing is definitely bad news.
---
Patrick wakes up in the middle of the night to find Pete staring at him. This is not uncommon. What is sort of uncommon though, is that Pete is holding a tape recorder close to Patrick's face.
"Honk," Patrick grumbles sleepily, flailing his hands in Pete's general direction. "What're doin'."
Pete hits the stop button on the recorder. "Recording your sleeping noises," he whispers.
"That's really creepy," Patrick whispers back.
"Whispering is bad for your voice," Pete says, still whispering, and Patrick rolls his eyes.
"Please stop recording my sleeping noises," he says in a normal voice.
Pete clutches the tape recorder to his chest protectively. "But your dinosnores are so cute."
Patrick stares at him blankly for a few seconds. His mouth twitches. Then he starts laughing.
Pete smiles, pleased. "What?"
"Dinosnores," Patrick giggles. "You idiot. C'mere."
He pulls Pete towards him and puts the tape recorder on the bedside table, then cups Pete's face between his hands and kisses him.
Pete sighs happily and presses closer.
"Dinosnores," Patrick starts laughing again when Pete pulls away for a second to push Patrick onto his back. He stops laughing when Pete straddles him.
"Oh." he says, suddenly breathless, and then Pete's leaning over him, hair falling into his dark eyes, and kissing him again, and it's just getting to be really awesome, when-
"Hooonk," Kota snorts from somewhere across the room, and it really scares the shit out of Patrick. It also threatens to make him not want to have sex anymore. But Pete really really turns him on, so it's not quite enough.
"Get that thing out of here right the fuck now," Patrick gasps, because that stupid thing is so not going to stop him from getting laid, and Pete stares down at him, eyes wide, and says, "yeah, yeah, okay, just, don't move, I'll just-"
And then he's off the bed and scooping Kota up off the ground and placing him out in the hallway.
"Sorry, Kota," Pete apologizes, before slamming the door.
Even though it's just a toy, and makes noises at random, Patrick could swear that the honking noise it makes is one of annoyance. Patrick smirks.
Then Pete practically pounces on him, and Patrick stops thinking about scary animatronic toys.
---
Kota is trying to get back at Patrick for last night. Patrick knows it. Because he just tried to make a salad, and his walnuts are missing.
"Did you take my walnuts?" Patrick asks accusingly. Kota just stares at him while chewing on his leaf.
"Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about."
Kota blinks. Patrick snaps.
Pete comes into the kitchen to find Patrick on the floor attempting to wrestle Kota's leaf away from him, and yelling, "Hooonk, you fucker, where the hooonk did you hide my walnuts?! Give me that, I'm gonna hoooonk you so hard, you won't even know what-"
"Patrick!" Pete is staring at him with his mouth open.
Patrick guiltily lets go of Kota's leaf and scrambles to his feet. "I was just trying to...and hooonk...my walnuts," he says desperately, like it's really important that Pete understand this.
"You have your own leafy snacks, you don't need to steal Kota's," Pete says disapprovingly, patting Kota on the head. Kota laughs in what is supposed to be a happy way, but is actually terribly maniacal. Patrick glowers at it.
"I brought you some more walnuts," Pete says, holding up a grocery bag. "Sorry, I got hungry this morning. For your nuts."
Patrick blushes, embarrassed, barely even registering the horrible joke Pete just made. Kota laughs evilly.
---
He wakes to heavy breathing close to his ear.
"Pete, cut it out," Patrick mumbles, rolling over to whack Pete on the head or something, but finds Pete sound asleep, clutching his pillow, mouth open and drooling.
Patrick smiles and shakes his head, reaches out to brush Pete's hair back off of his forehead, before realizing that, oh crap, where is that creepy breathing come from then? Oh. shit. He winces, and turns over to peer cautiously over the side of the bed.
Kota is standing there, staring at him. Patrick stares back.
Kota opens his mouth with a mechanical creak, blinking slowly, his eyes glinting with the early morning light peeking in through the blinds, and croaks out, "Peeete. Miiiine."
At least that's what Patrick hears. He knows that if Pete were awake, all he would have heard is something like, "hooooonk raaaawr," but Patrick knows better.
"You wish," he honks back, trying to look intimidating as possible, and turns his back to Kota defiantly.
He's not going to let Kota see his fear.
---
"I could destroy it for you," Ryan says. He says this while viciously devouring a meat kabob, which makes the statement that much more impressive, Patrick thinks.
And the offer is tempting, but. "No, that would look too suspicious. Pete would know what had happened, and then he'd just hate us, and get a new Kota. Things were a lot less complicated before he knew you were a t-rex."
"So what can we do?" Ryan asks through a mouthful of steak. Patrick honks queasily.
"I don't know. I just know I have to get rid of it somehow. Before it gets rid of me."
---
Patrick is in the bathroom washing his hands, when he glances in the mirror and sees Kota standing in the doorway.
Patrick screams. Like, a real, genuine, piercing horror movie scream. At least Pete isn't home to hear it.
Kota honks and laughs, wiggling his horns.
And like, looking up and seeing that thing staring at you in the mirror would be scary enough, except Patrick's sure he left Kota in the living room. Downstairs. Kota is not supposed to be able to walk long distances. Or up stairs, for that matter. Patrick looked in the instruction manual to make sure. It was the one thing that had given him some comfort.
Heart practically beating out of his chest, Patrick picks Kota up and shoves him in the closet. He shuts the door. Then he pushes his bedside table in front of the door for good measure. Then he goes downstairs and curls up under a huge blanket on the couch, turning on the tv so it's not completely quiet. He wishes Pete were here.
Patrick calls for Hemingway, and lets him jump up on the couch, pulls him close. If he can't have Pete here, his dog is the next best thing. Hemmy won't let anything happen to him.
The laugh-track starts up on Home Improvement.
"Hooonk, hahahahahaha," Patrick hears way, way too close and loud to be coming from the closet upstairs. No. No way. No fucking way. He takes a deep breath and pulls the blanket down just enough so he can see.
Kota is standing in the connecting doorway between the kitchen and the living room. Hemmy barks sharply, squirming in Patrick's grasp.
"Hooooooooonk!" Patrick wails in distress, frozen on the couch for a second, before making his decision. He picks Hemmy up, which is not easy, because this dog has become absolutely enormous, sprints out into the entry way, the entrance that Kota is not standing in, and then to the bathroom down the hall. He locks himself in, sitting on the closed toilet seat, breathing hard, as Hemmy paws at his legs in concern. Patrick doesn't have his phone on him. Though, really, what would he do if he did have it? Call 911? Sorry to bother you, but I think a robotic dinosaur is trying to kill me. Yeah, no.
After about 45 minutes, Patrick hears the front door open, and then Pete calling, "Patrick?" and Hemmy scratching the door and whining in reaction to Pete's voice.
Patrick honks in relief and throws the door open. He runs down the hall, Hemmy at his side, and launches himself into Pete's arms, clinging as hard as he can. If he's crying a little bit, then well. He's being stalked by a life-size child's toy, okay. And it's not even like he's a badass dinosaur, like Ryan. He's pretty much useless, aside from honking and eating leaves and running away from other, bigger dinosaurs. Like Ryan.
"'Trick, holy shit, are you okay? Fuck, what happened? Are you hurt? Did someone break in? Shit shit shit," Pete is rambling, running his hands gently down Patrick's back and sides, as if checking for injuries.
Patrick doesn't answer. He's actually not sure what to say. It all sounds ridiculous.
"Patrick, hey, c'mon, you gotta talk to me." Pete sounds really freaked out, like he's going to start crying, and Patrick doesn't want that, so he takes Pete's hand and pulls him toward the stairs.
"You just...you have to see...I can't explain...just," he says, and drags Pete after him. Hemmy follows them, whining softly.
"Look, okay, I put it in there, and now-" Patrick is telling Pete as they enter the bedroom, gesturing towards the.
The closed closet door, with the bedside table pushed in front of it.
"Umm," Pete says, and Patrick stomps his foot in frustration. That little fucker. Hemmy barks, as if in agreement.
Pete pushes the bedside table away, and opens the door, to reveal Kota sleeping in the dark, snort-snoring, as if he hadn't just been downstairs, scaring Patrick half to death.
"Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but. I put it in there, because it was following me around the house, and then I went downstairs, and it somehow got out and was back downstairs, so I ran and hid in the bathroom, because. Because," Patrick honks in frustration. He just sounds like a complete idiot.
Pete looks really worried, like he's afraid Patrick has had some sort of mental breakdown.
"No, seriously," Patrick says emphatically, leaving the room and running down the stairs. Pete follows him.
"See, I came down here and turned on the tv and sat on the couch..." he gestures to emphasize his point, and Pete looks at the tv, which is currently showing Friends, and the blanket on the couch.
"Did you fall asleep on the couch?" Pete asks, and Patrick thinks he's completely missed the point.
"No. I told you, I came down here, because I didn't want to be upstairs with it in the closet. I was scared, okay."
Pete looks, weirdly enough, relieved. "Are you sure you didn't get freaked out, put Kota in the closet, come down here, fall asleep, have a bad dream about him being down here, and then woke up and ran to the bathroom?"
Patrick's 100% sure that's not what happened. Well. At least he thinks it is. Pete sounds so reasonable, and just. It's really easy to believe right now that the whole thing was a dream. Except, well, that first part, with Kota somehow getting upstairs all by himself.
"Don't you dare laugh at me," he tells Pete warningly, and Pete reaches out and pulls Patrick down onto the couch.
"Hey, I'm the last person in the world who can laugh at people for having bad dreams," he says, letting Patrick curl around him, and even though he doesn't really get it, Patrick feels a little better.
But only a little.
Hemmy joins them after a few seconds, apparently not wanting to be left alone upstairs with Kota either. Patrick is glad someone understands.
---
"Did I tell you it also plays songs?" Patrick says to Ryan when he calls to alert him to the fact that Kota is definitely a psycho killer.
"It's like it's trying to replace you in every way possible," Ryan says, not very sympathetically. Well, Patrick's not sure what he's expecting from a t-rex. They are his natural enemy, after all.
"The songs are, to quote from this online guide, 'meant to help take your child on a true dinosaur adventure.'" Patrick reads, practically spitting out the words.
"It sings, it can take Pete on a true dinosaur adventure...sounds like it can do everything you can do."
Patrick honks angrily. Ryan just laughs at him.
---
Patrick figures it's time he makes an ultimatum. He walks purposefully into the living room, where Pete is lying on the ground tickling Kota's belly and Kota is laughing that stupid evil laugh, and announces, "I'm making an ultimatum."
Pete stops what he's doing, and tilts his head so he's looking at Patrick upside down. Kota tilts his head and blinks once. No one says anything. Patrick feels kind of uncomfortable. He shifts his feet awkwardly.
"Umm. Yeah. So. Here's an ultimatum: either you get rid of that thing, of Kota, or I'm moving out."
Pete laughs. Patrick doesn't.
"Oh wait, wow, you're serious," Pete says, rolling over so he's right side up.
Patrick nods.
"Patrick, that's-"
And Patrick knows Pete's going to say something like ridiculous or insane or totally lame (probably the latter, he is Pete) but the thing is, it's not, and Patrick's not going to let him say it.
"You can either have a fake dinosaur," he points at Kota, "or the real thing," he gestures vaguely to his body, says it without really thinking, and oh my god, that is probably the stupidest thing he's ever said in his entire life, and he kind of wants to die, and based on the way Pete is biting his lip, it sounded as ridiculous out-loud as it did in Patrick's head.
"You know it's just a toy, right?" Pete asks, and Patrick doesn't want to say what he says next, but he can't help it.
"It is not just a toy! It's evil, and it hates me!"
"Patrick, come on-"
"Your dog agrees with me!"
This actually seems to get Pete thinking, because Hemmy is nowhere to be found, and doesn't come into the room when he is called, and basically just hides all the time, wherever Kota isn't. Patrick takes this moment of weakness and runs with it.
"Dinosaurs do not handle competition well. So it's either me, or that," he hisses, glaring at Kota, who totally narrows his eyes.
Pete looks back and forth between them, as if considering, then says, "I don't know, I mean. You're both dinosaurs, you both sing. If I could cut a hole in him, it would basically be the same thing."
And he's laughing as he says it, and it's the stupidest, grossest joke ever, Patrick knows it's supposed to be a joke, but the thing is, it's not funny. Like, on multiple levels. One, it's not funny in general (okay, so it's a little funny) because eugh, and two, it's just. Not.
So Patrick glares and growls, "Is that right?" and then he's on the ground, and on top of Pete, kissing him hard, and he's going to show him exactly how not the same thing it really is.
---
"Well?" Patrick says awhile later, turning to look at Pete, who is sprawled out on the floor next to him, gasping for breath, his eyes glazed over.
"Nghhhh," is Pete's response.
Patrick doesn't even try to not sound smug. "Yeah."
Pete turns to Patrick, smiling at him dreamily. "Y'win. Killed me. 'M dead."
He scoots closer until he's completely wrapped around Patrick, head on his chest, and Patrick kisses his sweat-matted hair. "Nah, I think you're gonna make it."
"Dude," Pete mumbles a few minutes later, having apparently acquired a bit more brain function. "Y'just fucked me on the floor next to Kota."
Patrick glances over at the thing, and it's staring at them. Patrick hopes it got the message. "Yep."
Pete giggles drowsily. "Gross."
---
Patrick goes and meets Ryan for lunch the next day, to fill him in on the latest happenings with Kota.
"I think it won't be a problem anymore," Patrick tells him, watching disapprovingly as Ryan practically inhales his steak; Patrick picks at his salad.
Ryan swallows his enormous mouthful of meat and says, "You mean we can get rid of it without Pete caring?"
Patrick nods. "I think so. I don't think he gets it, but I was pretty...convincing, I'd say."
Ryan grimaces. "I don't want to hear about it. But good, this Kota thing was really putting a damper on my vacation."
"Glad to hear you were so concerned about my well-being."
There's an urgent beeping noise, and Patrick realizes he's getting a text. He pulls out his phone, still rolling his eyes at Ryan, and then his heart stops beating. It's from Pete. It says:
OHMYFUCKINGGOD PLEASE COME HOME
"We have to go." Patrick stands up and pulls Ryan with him.
Ryan roars at him. "I wasn't finished eating! Let go, oww, this is a new shirt, you're going to rip it."
Patrick doesn't listen, and doesn't stop until he's thrown Ryan in the passenger seat of his car and has started driving.
"We left without paying, you know," Ryan chastises him, but Patrick really doesn't care.
"I just got a text from Pete," he tells Ryan, showing him his phone.
"It's in all caps," Ryan gasps, eyes wide.
Patrick nods seriously. "It's after him."
His phone rings, and he snatches it away from Ryan.
"Pete?"
"PATRICK! KOTA! HE'S! AND!" Pete shrieks in his ear, and Patrick steps on the gas pedal.
"I know, we're on our way," he promises, but Pete just keeps screeching.
"I TOOK THE BATTERIES OUT, BECAUSE HE WAS STARTING TO FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT, BUT IT DIDN'T STOP, AND NOW HE HAS ME CORNERED IN THE BEDROOM, AND WHAT THE FUCK!"
"Pete, listen to me. I promise, I'm going to be there in like, less than 5 minutes, you just need to-"
Pete screams, and then the call drops.
"This thing is going down," Patrick says, running a red light and getting honked at several times. "Hooooonk!" he shouts back out the window.
Ryan roars in agreement.
---
They barge into the house, ready to kick some toy dinosaur ass.
"Patrick!" Pete screams from upstairs, and both Patrick and Ryan charge up the stairs as fast as they can.
Pete is on the bed, huddled against the headboard, clutching Hemmy like a life raft. Kota is on the bed, too, slowly creeping towards Pete, his tail and horns wagging.
"Get the fuck away from him, you piece of hooooooonk!" Patrick yells, and Kota jerkily turns around, facing them with a defiant robotic roar.
So, Patrick's not exactly sure how they're going to go about defeating this thing, it's not like he has the teeth or claws for something like this, and Kota, though just a children's toy, is not to be underestimated. Pete looks terrified, hiding his face in Hemmy's fur.
Ryan doesn't look intimidated.
"Get Pete out of here," he grumbles, not taking his eyes off of Kota. "I'll take care of this."
"But-" Patrick doesn't want to leave Ryan alone to do this; he feels like just another useless herbivore.
Ryan just bares his teeth and growls, and Patrick gets the message. Kota appears to be distracted by Ryan, so Patrick edges along the side of the room until he's even with the headboard of the bed, and then slowly creeps toward Pete. He reaches out a hand to touch Pete's shoulder, and Pete lets out a strangled scream before he looks up and realizes it's Patrick. Patrick clamps his hand over Pete's mouth, and Pete looks back at him, eyes wide.
"Let's go," Patrick mouths silently, and Pete nods emphatically.
Kota is still engaged in a showdown with Ryan, stomping his feet and not paying any attention to them when, Hemmy squirming in Pete's arms, they make their way towards the door.
Patrick can tell when Kota realizes they're escaping, because he lets out an irritated honk, and Patrick's sure they're not going to make it, but Ryan says, "Don't even think about it," and shoves Pete and Patrick (and Hemmy) the rest of the way out of the bedroom and then slams the door. Patrick hopes that Ryan will make it out of there alive.
"We shouldn't leave him in there by himself!" Pete says emphatically, like he's going to run back in and help out, but the fact that he's still cradling Hemmy in his arms like his dog is going to protect him from all harm sort of negates his enthusiasm.
Patrick winces as he hears roaring noises and something that sounds like glass breaking from inside the room. "I think he can handle himself. Are you okay?" he asks, because Pete doesn't look so good. Not that he really should look good, but still.
Pete looks at Patrick like he's crazy, finally setting Hemmy back on the ground. "Dude. I mean. I sort of had an animatronic child's toy trying to like...okay, I don't even wanna know what it was trying to do, but a robotic dinosaur with the batteries taken out was threatening my life. I'm gonna be fucked in the head for years."
"Well, how do you think I felt?" Patrick crosses his arms in annoyance. "That thing was stalking me for weeks, and you just thought I was crazy. You have no idea how many times I woke up in the middle of the night expecting to be dead!"
"How could you wake up if you were dead?"
From behind the closed door, Ryan lets out an enraged roar. Hemmy takes off down the stairs. He probably has the right idea; standing right outside the door where an epic dinosaur vs. robot dinosaur battle is occurring is really not the best idea.
"Fuck off. The point is, I was being tormented for way longer than you were," Patrick shouts over the noise.
"Raaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwrgh," says Ryan from the other room.
"Yeah, but my torment was more intense," Pete yells back.
Something, or some things, hit the ground with a loud thud, causing the walls and floors to vibrate.
"This is a stupid thing to argue about," Patrick screams.
"You're just saying that because you know I'm right!"
Pete jumps back from the door when what Patrick assumes is Ryan slams against it from the other side, causing yet another loud vibration, right into Patrick, who brings his arms up to wrap around him automatically. Pete clings back.
"I'm sorry I didn't trust your dinosaur instincts," he whispers into Patrick's ear.
"'S'okay. I wouldn'tve believed me either."
There's a long, anguished roar, a horrible tearing noise, and another loud thump on the ground before all the noise from behind the door suddenly stops. It's absolutely silent. Even Patrick's sensitive dinosaur hearing isn't picking up on anything. Pete is frozen completely still in his arms, body strung so tight, Patrick can practically feel him vibrating.
Just when Patrick's sure that Kota's about to burst out of the room ready to destroy them, Ryan throws open the door to the bedroom with a dramatic flourish. His clothes are torn, his lip is bleeding, and he has one long cut across his left cheek. Other than that, he looks perfectly fine.
"I need a drink," he says, heading for the stairs without another word.
Patrick and Pete peek into the bedroom. What remains of Kota is strewn pretty much everywhere, a mess of sparking wires and stuffing and plastic.
"We're gonna have to sleep in here," Pete says, horrified. "Oh my god, I can never have sex in this room ever again."
---
They clean up the mess and throw the Kota parts into the dumpster outside. It's garbage day tomorrow, thankfully.
Patrick makes a note to get Ryan a gift of some kind. Maybe some steaks.
"So I wonder what it is about me," Pete comments as they climb into bed. In the guest bedroom. It's going to take a little while for them to be able to sleep in the room where Kota met his demise.
"Huh?" Patrick asks, yawning. It's been a long day.
"I mean, what it is about me that makes me so appealing. Y'know, to dinosaurs."
Patrick snorts and rubs his eyes.
"It's probably your teeth."
"Hey!" Pete says, frowning. "How do you know it's not my awesome ass?"
Patrick pats Pete on the arm in mock sympathy. "Yes, I'm sure that's it."
Pete makes a face, but it doesn't stop him from wanting to cuddle, apparently, based on the way he's practically pasted himself to Patrick's side.
"Anyway, I learned my lesson," Pete yawns a moment later. "You're the only dinosaur for me, Patrick Stump."
"Good," Patrick mumbles, feeling like he could drop off to sleep at any second. Not that he's not happy to hear it, he's just. Going to fall asleep soon. It'll be his first good night's sleep in weeks, now that he doesn't have to worry about Kota anymore.
He's just on the verge of starting that good night's sleep, when Pete says, "Though I don't know. Kota did have a pretty awesome tail."
Patrick opens his eyes to see Pete grinning at him.
"I've got a tail too, you know."
"Yeah, you keep saying that, but have I gotten to see it? No, I haven't. I don't know, I think you're holding out on me, Stump."
Patrick groans in frustration. "Fine. Maybe one day soon. If you're good."
"I will be so good, Patrick, you have no idea," Pete says, kicking his legs excitedly.
"Awesome." Sometimes Pete is really terrifying.
"Dino-mite," Pete giggles, and Patrick manages not to laugh for a whole 10 seconds. Then he lets Pete kiss him.
---
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
At the dump, a garbage truck unloads a giant pile of trash onto the heap.
From underneath the pizza boxes and old couch cushions and discarded electronic equipment, comes a mechanical creaking sound.
A slashed and torn robotic dinosaur tail pops out of the rubble, waving back and forth ominously.
THE END
In conclusion, Pete is a furry. Hoonk hoooonk!