Mirror Mirror on the Wall: Chapter 10 - On Sam Power Can Be Taken But Not Given
Attach and Die!
And, not coincidentally, it was at this time that we saw the re-emergence of Sam's helplessness and despair.
Sam couldn't save Corbett
Ghosthunters
Sam can't save Stewie
Long Distance Call
Waiting for Wednesday
Mystery Spot
Fine, go ahead. Do it.
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Sam's powerlessness was a major theme in Season 3.
Sam's usual method of fighting back didn't work during that last year of Dean's life. Sam had to restrain himself in the face of Dean's adherence to the family's values, or jeopardize the attachment between them. We've seen in Season 4 just what his insistence on going against Dean's wishes in this regard is doing to their relationship.
Sam had to cut off parts of himself, allow Dean to "Keep Sam safe," on last time. He put himself back in that box.
Sam held himself back.
After School Special
Sam held himself back.
No Rest for the Wicked
The effects were the same at 24 as they were at 14.
Sam, stuck and miserable
After School Special
Sam, stuck, and miserable
Ghostbusters
Because, ultimately, no matter how much you love someone, it is not possible to live your life for someone else without there being a cost. For Sam, that cost was to re-experience that powerlessness and long, slow slide toward self-destruction that he thought he had left behind.
The benefit was that he was able to spend the last year before Dean's deal came due with his brother, and although they had their moments, they remained attached and together. But in the end Sam still lost everything he loved, despite the sacrifices he made. And so, after Dean's death, he ended up with nothing, neither Dean nor himself.
No Rest for the Wicked
I Know What You Did Last Summer
The Sam I knew, he's gone.
Sex and Violence
Find someone else.
On the Head of a Pin
Power Can Be Taken, But Not Given…
…The process of the taking is empowerment in itself. (Gloria Steinem)
The Yellow-Eyed Demon could not give his "children" power, he could only create the opportunity for power to be taken. They may have been fed demon blood against their will, but for their abilities to become a source of power, it involved their consent. What they chose to do with their supernatural abilities could either empower or disempower them.
And so, the choices Sam and his family made in reaction to the Yellow-Eyed Demon were a source of both empowerment and disempowerment for Sam.
Before John even knew what was behind his wife's death, he was making choices that had an impact on Sam. Mary Winchester's murder set into motion John's fear, grief and guilt. Attempting to regain control over his life and protect his sons, John honed his family into a weapon to defend their safety and to avenge themselves upon the Yellow-Eyed Demon. As described in detail previously in the prior section on Sam, many of John's choices resulted in a sense of powerlessness for Sam, probably none more so than John's choice to withhold information from Sam about why he was making him the object of "Keep Sam safe."
Just as Mr. Wyatt's assertions about the role of personal choice opened Sam's eyes to a new view of himself and his family, so did John's revelation about the fact that the Yellow-Eyed Demon was systematically targeting 6 month old children and murdering people who were interfering with his plans for Sam.
SAM: So, basically, this demon is going after these kids for some reason, the same way it came for me? So, Mom’s death, Jessica, it’s all ‘cause of me?
Salvation
Behind Door #1 - Family:
This was just as much a revelation about John as it was about Sam.
John revealed that he knew a lot more than he had been saying, and so Sam learned a lot about his father's motivations that had previously been hidden. The revelation that the Yellow-Eyed Demon had a systematic plan in place that included Sam and that John knew this turned a much different light on why John treated him differently than Dean, why he asked them to sacrifice so much, and why John himself sacrificed so much. Sam learned that, yes, his father was an obsessed bastard, but his obsession had as much to do with protecting Sam as it did with revenging his wife.
DEAN: I just think it’s really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It’s like, “Oh, what would Dad want me to do?” Sam, you spent your entire life slugging it out with that man. I mean, hell, you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him, and now that he’s dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I’m sorry, Sam, but you can’t. It’s too little, too late.
SAM: Why are you saying this to me?
DEAN: Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this! I’m dealing with Dad’s death! Are you?
Everybody loves a Clown
SAM: About me and Dad. I’m sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I’m sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know, he died thinking that I hate him. So, you’re right. What I’m doing right now, it is too little. It’s too late. I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I’m not all right. Not at all.
Everybody Loves a Clown
With this new view of why John did what he did, Sam could look back on all those years of his own despair, his anger, and his devaluing of his father with a new perspective, and he doesn't come out looking so good. Given how Sam reacted after John's death, taking on his father's wishes for him to be a hunter and regretting all the time they spent arguing, it seems to me that Sam re-examined his perception of John and found himself more loved than he ever knew.
My father:
As painful as it was, that knowledge was empowering. It allowed Sam to have a much different relationship with his father than he had ever had before. It allowed him to begin to pick and choose among things that his father espoused, instead of rejecting them all out of hand and defining himself rigidly in terms of "I am not John." After John's death, then, Sam was able to freely choose hunting and family over his plans to pursue law.
DEAN: That whole “I don’t wanna go back to school” thing, you just saying that to Cooper, or were you, you know, saying it? Sam?
SAM: I don’t know.
DEAN: You don’t know? I thought that once the demon was dead and the fat lady sings that you were going to take off, head back to Wussy State.
SAM: I’m having second thoughts.
DEAN: Really?
SAM: Yeah, I think Dad would have wanted me to stick with the job.
DEAN: Since when do you give a damn what Dad wanted? You spent half your life doing exactly what he didn’t want, Sam.
SAM: Since he died. Okay? You have a problem with that?
Everybody Loves a Clown
Without this change in perception of his father, Sam likely would never have been so free to take on the obsessive focus on sacrificing everything in the face of revenge and protection that is characteristic of John's outlook. It was the very thing about John that he railed against in In My Time of Dying…
SAM: That’s exactly my point! Dean is dying and you have a plan! You know what, you care more about killing this demon than you do saving your own son!
DEAN: No, no, no. Guys, don’t do this!
JOHN: Do not tell me how I feel. I am doing this for Dean.
SAM: How? How is revenge going to help him? You’re not thinking about anybody but yourself! It’s the same selfish obsession!
In My Time of Dying
DEAN: Then what is it? Why do you want us out of the big fight?
JOHN: This demon? It’s a bad son of a bitch. I can’t make the same moves if I’m worried about keeping you alive.
DEAN: You mean you can’t be as reckless.
JOHN: Look, I don’t expect to make it out of this fight in one piece. Your mother’s death, it almost killed me. I can’t watch my children die, too. I won’t.
Dead Man's Blood
…and yet, in Season 4, is the very thing that he now values.
DEAN: All right, then what, then? What would Sammy wish for?
SAM: Lillith's head on a plate, bloody.
Wishful Thinking
Being a hunter isn't a job, Adam. It's a life. You're pre-med. You got a girlfriend, friends. Not anymore you don't. If you're really going to do this You can't have those kinds of connections, ever. They're weaknesses. You'll just put those people in danger, get them killed. It's the price we pay. You cut them out and don't look back. There's only one thing you can count on, family.
Jump the Shark
SAM: Does it? All rest on my shoulders?
The Monster At the End of this Book
My Father, Myself:
As well as freeing Sam up to take on a wider range of options for his life, this knowledge also cleared up Sam's misattribution regarding why John treated him differently than Dean. He could perceive his father's fears that underlay "Keep Sam safe" much more accurately.
In all the fights that we know of between John and Sam, never is there a word of blame for Sam drawing the Yellow-Eyed Demon to their family, never is there a hint of holding Sam responsible in any way. In the heat of those battles it could have been so easy for John to take that path, to blame something he could exert so much more control over than the supernatural, to become like Max's father. John may have held Sam accountable for abandoning his family, but, so far as we know, he never took that next logical step of holding his son accountable for abandoning the family that would not have needed to sacrifice so much if Sam didn't exist.
Previously, Sam believed that being the object of "Keep Sam safe" was due to his father's obsession and disappointment in his son's unwillingness to make them his own. Now, knowing what he knows of the Yellow-Eyed Demon's actions and the fact that John never once gave any hint of blaming him, Sam knew that "Keep Sam Safe" had to do with his father's fears for him and that these fears were justified.
Knowing what underlay "Keep Sam safe" meant that Sam could now separate out his father's fears for him and the means by which John went about addressing them. There's a big emotional difference between "Dad thinks something's wrong with me" versus "Dad knows something about me that scares the crap out of him." The first is wrapped up in how Sam feels judged by his father. The second does not imply anything about fault or blame or being judged in a negative way. In fact, it does the opposite, it highlights how much of value Sam was to his father.
At that point, then, Sam could either agree or disagree with how John went about keeping him safe without it meaning anything about his father's love for him.
SAM: He lost his mother. Maybe we can understand what that feels like.
DEAN: Why do you think Dad never told us about this kid, Sam, huh? Why do you think he ripped out the pages.
SAM: Because -
DEAN: Because he was protecting him.
Jump the Shark
SAM: Here, I'm going to teach you a few things.
ADAM: Uh, Dean said.
SAM: I know what Dean said. And I know what it's like to want revenge.
Jump the Shark
And so, being the object of "Keep Sam safe" wasn't tied up in Sam's need to push back against his father any more. Instead of it being wrapped up in "I am not John" and a source of insecurity and reactionary pride, Sam could think more flexibly about it, allowing him take control over what the root of "Keep Sam Safe" meant for him.
He could decide that it meant that he should allow Dean to protect him, without it meaning that something was inadequate or wrong about him. He could decide that it meant that he should go with Dean's pleas to run away to Amsterdam, hide from his fate, and deny his abilities. He could decide that it meant that he should explore the abilities. He could decide to investigate what was going on and how to combat it. Sam was freed up to perceive a much wider range of options open to him.
And so it was in Season 2, after John's death and as he learned more about John's fears, that Sam took control over finding out what the Yellow-Eyed Demon wanted from him and what he could do about it, instead of just being paralyzed and freaked out by it.
SAM: Because there’s something going on here, Ava, with you, with me. There are others like us out there. And we’re all a part of something. And I’ve got to figure out what…Don’t you want to know why this is happening? I mean, don’t these visions scare the hell out of you? Cuz if you walk out that door right now…you might never know the truth.
Hunted
SAM: Look, Dean, I’ve tried running before. I mean, I ran all the way to California and look what happened. You can’t run from this. And you can’t protect me.
DEAN: Well, I can try.
SAM: Thanks for that. Look, Dean, I’m going keep hunting. Whatever’s coming, I’m taking it head-on. So, if you really want to watch my back, then I guess you’re going to have to stick around.
Hunted
Behind Door #2 - Sam:
The revelation about the Yellow-Eyed Demon and subsequent re-examination of John's role in Sam's life required that Sam also re-examine his own role.
Just as John had choices to make in reaction to Mary's death and his introduction to the supernatural, so did Sam have choices to make in reaction to the revelation regarding his role in the events unfolding around him. John and Dean had clearly decided to not hold Sam responsible, but Sam had to decide how much responsibility he would shoulder for his role in what happened to his family for himself.
When John reveals what he knows about the demon in Salvation, Sam is quick to draw that direct line between his mother's death and himself.
SAM: So, basically, this demon is going after these kids for some reason, the same way it came for me? So, Mom’s death, Jessica, it’s all ‘cause of me?
Salvation
And when he is faced with Max and the realization that he was the focus of the evil thing that killed his mother, he reacts with horror.
SAM: No. No, it’s the same thing, Max. The same thing killed our mothers.
MAX: That’s not possible…
SAM: Because that’s when my abilities started, Max. I mean, yours seem to be much further along, but still, this, this means something, right? I mean, for some reason, you and I, you and I were chosen.
MAX: For what?
SAM: I don’t know.
Nightmare
And so, Where once he thought it was John's irrational obsession that endangered their family, Sam learned that it was about him.
So not only did Sam have a role in Jess' death,
Pilot
but he also played a role in John's grief and hardening,
Pilot
and Dean's longing and brokenness.
What Is and What Shall Never Be
And all that despair he felt as a child? It, too, was an outgrowth of his role and the impact it had on his family.
After School Special
How did he react to this?
Like John, Sam plays it pretty tight to the vest. He rarely reveals what's on his mind. It usually takes either alcohol or some type of supernatural possession to loosen his lips. I often find that I have to "work backwards" to understand where Sam's thinking has taken him, taking events and working back to how they're related to what had been happening and what they imply for Sam's state of mind.
One of the events that seems to best illustrate Sam's state of mind after he learned about the Yellow-Eyed Demon is his reaction to Dean stopping him from going back into Rosie and family's burning house in attempt to kill the demon.
DEAN: I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damn thing.
SAM: That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom.
DEAN: You said yourself once, that no matter what we do, they’re gone. And they’re never coming back.
SAM: Don’t you say that! Don’t you, not after all this, don’t you say that!
Salvation
…which stands in direct contrast with Sam's indifference in the Pilot.
DEAN: You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you’re going to have to face up to who you really are.
SAM: Who is that?
DEAN: One of us.
Sam: No, I’m not like you. This is not going to be my life.
DEAN: Well you’ve got a responsibility.
SAM: To dad and his crusade? If it weren’t for pictures I wouldn’t even know what mom looks like. What difference would it make? Even if we do find the thing that killed her, mom’s gone, and she isn’t coming back.
Pilot
Sam was clearly willing sacrifice his own life in the pursuit of the Yellow-Eyed Demon in Salvation. Where once he could take some comfort in being the kind of man who made sacrifices to dedicate himself to "Hunting things, saving people" or avenging Jess' murder as a means of fighting off whatever the Evil Thing that killed his mother's intentions for him, he discovered that his "destiny" had already caused suffering in the people he loved the most. Where once he was innocent, Sam found that people around him had already been caused harm because of him.
No, Sam didn't kill his mother, Jess, or John, but they died because of the Yellow-Eyed Demon's focus on him. That can be a very heavy burden of survivor guilt.
With that in mind, I look back at this scene,
DEAN: I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damn thing.
SAM: That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom.
DEAN: You said yourself once, that no matter what we do, they’re gone. And they’re never coming back.
SAM: Don’t you say that! Don’t you, not after all this, don’t you say that!
Salvation
…and see a strong desire for atonement, redemption.
And so the revelation regarding the Yellow-Eyed Demon's focus on Sam represented a second traumatic loss of innocence for Sam. This time, he lost his innocence about himself. Dean lost his innocence in Hell. He discovered that he could be twisted into a monster. Yet who would blame him for what he did in Hell? Was he responsible for his turning? Could anybody reasonably be held responsible for such a thing? And yet people around him suffered. So it was for Sam. Who would hold him accountable for the suffering of his family? And yet, it was all because of him. Both learned that they could be used to cause pain and suffering in others against their will.
~*~
Next post in the series, Chapter 11: On Sam From Here Forward
~~*~
Chapter 1: On the Siren's Call
Chapter 2: On John the Man
Chapter 3: On John the Father
~*~
Chapter 4: On Dean The Motherless Child
Chapter 5: On Dean the Heart of the Family
~*~
Chapter 6: On Sam Born of Love and Loss
Chapter 7: On Sam in the Box
Chapter 8: On Sam out of the Box
Chapter 9 : On Sam Captive on a Carousel of Time
Chapter 10: On Sam Power Can Be Taken, But Not Given
Chapter 11: On Sam From Here Forward
Chapter 12: On Sam Out of the Box Redux
~*~
Chapter 13: On SamnDean Putting Away Childish Things
Chapter 14: On SamnDean Triangles are a Demon's Best Friend
Chapter 15: On SamnDean Stop the Carousel I Want to Get Off
~*~
credit goes to
oxoniensis and marishna of summerskin for the screencaps