Mirror Mirror on the Wall: Chapter 5 - On Dean the Heart of the Family
The Functions Served
There are clear benefits that both Dean and his family garner from his identification with John. It supports Dean's survival after the loss of his mother. But not only that, it also supports the survival of both individual members and the family's survival.
Keep Sam Safe
As explored in the just prior chapter, identifying with John gave Dean the tools to survive the devastation that was the result of his mother's murder. It helped him cope in the immediate aftermath. It also gave him a role, as the primary guard over his younger brother's well-being. Sam, as shall be discussed more fully in the next installment, has benefited in very specific ways from his brother's willingness to take that role.
Take care of Sammy: Something Wicked
"Save Sammy" IMToD
Even now, in case John's dying wish has worn thin after Dean paid the ultimate sacrifice for his brother's life, Dean is still being pressured to perform by a father figure, at this point the biggest daddy of them all, The Father, God. Like John, God sends Dean cryptic directives, in the form of Castiel dropping in and dropping bits and pieces of info in Dean's lap, and expects Dean to take care of the situation.
Big Daddy's Blunt Instrument:
Listen to me. You have to stop it.
In the Beginning
Homeostatis or Bust
Dean's willingness to take on John's perceptions of his family and the world in which they are embedded also allowed him to act as a homeostatic force within the family. He keeps the members of his family from going too far one direction or the other, herding them along the path that was defined by his father.
One way that Dean acts as a homeostatic force within the family is by keeping Sam and John from going too far down the path of sacrificing themselves or each other in the service of achieving their goals. Dean operates to keep the family together and from self-destructing under very difficult circumstances. He is the heart of the family.
DEAN: Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?
SAM: Because Dad was in trouble.
DEAN: Yes, that, but it's more than that, man. You and me and Dad, I mean, I want us, I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again.
SAM: Dean, we are a family. I'd do anything for you, but things will never be the way they were before.
DEAN: Could be.
Shadow
John didn't share his concerns about Sam with Dean until the very end. So, the primary motive that John lets Dean perceive is his father's desire to revenge his mother's death. When Dean sees his father going too far in the pursuit of this objective, Dean puts the primary mission of the family, to survive, front and center. He reminds his father that all the other values that they espouse were designed to support that primary mission, not supplant it.
JOHN: This demon? It's a bad sonofabitch. I can't make the same moves if I'm worried about keeping you alive.
DEAN: You mean you can't be as reckless.
JOHN: Look, I don't expect to make it out of this fight in one piece. Your mother's death, it almost killed me. I can't watch my children die, too. I won't.
DEAN: What happens if you die, Dad? What happens if you die and we could have done something about it?
Dead Man's Blood
JOHN: You shoot me! You shoot me in the heart, son!
…
DEAN: Sam, don't you do it. Don't you do it.
Devil's Trap
JOHN: I'm surprised at you, Sammy. Why didn't you kill it? I thought we saw eye to eye on this. Killing this demon comes first. Before me, before everything.
SAM: No, sir, not before everything.
Devil's Trap
And Dean serves the same function for Sam, too.
SAM: Dean, no. I got to find Dad. I got to find Jessica’s killer. It’s the only thing I can think about.
DEAN: Ok, all right, Sam we’ll find them I promise. Listen to me, you’ve got to prepare yourself. I mean this search could take a while, and all that anger, you can’t keep it burning over the long haul, it’s going to kill you. You got to have patience, man.
Wendigo
DEAN: I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damn thing.
SAM: That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom.
DEAN: You said yourself once, that no matter what we do, they’re gone. And they’re never coming back.
SAM: Don’t you say that! Don’t you, not after all this, don’t you say that!
DEAN: Sammy, look, the three of us, that’s all we have. And that’s all I have. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding it together, man. Without you and Dad.
Salvation
SAM: ...We still have the Colt. We can still finish the job.
DEAN: Screw the job, Sam.
SAM: Dean, I'm just trying to do what he would want. He would want us to keep going.
DEAN: Would you quit talking about him like he's dead already? Listen to me! Everything stops until we get him back, you understand me? Everything.
Devil's Trap
(Sam proposes killing the Crossroads Demon)
DEAN: Sam, enough! I'm not going to have this conversation.
SAM: Why? Because you said so?
DEAN: Yeah, because I said so.
SAM: Well, you're not Dad.
DEAN: No, but I'm the oldest and I'm doing what's best. You're going to let this go, understand me? … Sam, tell me about the psychotic killer! C'mon, tell me about the psychotic killer.
Bedtime Stories
SAM: This is me. I can handle it.
DEAN: Why even risk it.
SAM: Because you're my brother. Because you did the same thing for me.
DEAN: I know, and look how that turned out… I mean what we'll do for each other. How far we'll go? They're using it against us.
SAM: So, what? We just stop looking out for each other?
DEAN: No, we stop being martyrs.
No Rest for the Wicked
As well as keeping Sam and John from swinging too far along the path of self-sacrifice, Dean also keeps them from the other end of the pendulum's path, going against the family's values. Because Dean was the one who aligned himself with the family values, he also takes the role of keep the family (Sam) in line with its values.
Dean does hold Sam back, in many ways.
Sometimes in loving, nurturing ways.
SAM: No, no, no. You have to watch out for me, all right? And if I ever turn into something that I’m not…you have to kill me.
DEAN: Sam.
SAM: Dean, Dad told you to do it. You have to.
DEAN: Yeah, well, Dad’s an ass. He never should’ve said anything. I mean, you don’t do that, you don’t lay that kind of crap on your kids.
SAM: No, he was right to say it. Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies! …
SAM: Dean, please. You have to promise me.
DEAN: I promise.
Playthings
DEAN: I mean, hell, you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him, and now that he’s dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I’m sorry, Sam, but you can’t. It’s too little, too late.
SAM: Why are you saying this to me?
DEAN: Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this!
Everybody Loves a Clown
DEAN: Sammy, I got this one. I’ll do it.
Heart
The closer the danger, the more Dean ramps up his efforts to head Sam off. Sometimes he just shuts things down.
(Sam proposes using Doc Benton's immortality cure)
DEAN: Now are you coming or not?
SAM: I'm staying here.
DEAN: No you're not, cuz I'm not going to let you wander out in the woods alone to track some organ-stealing freak.
Time is on My Side
DEAN: What the hell were you thinking!
SAM: What was I thinking?
DEAN: She's a demon, Sam!
… Are you feeling okay?
SAM: Why do you keep asking me that?
Malleus Malifecarum
SAM: I'm a whole new level of freak. And I'm just trying to take this curse and make something good out of it, because I have to.
DEAN: Let's just go talk to the guy. I mean Jack. Okay!?
Metamorphosis
The further Sam travels from the core family values, the more threatening it becomes to Dean, the more frightened he becomes, and the stronger his reaction. Sometimes he uses violence, whether physical or verbal aggression against Sam in order to bring him in line.
(Sam proposes letting Lenore and her nest go, and calls Dean on his over-identification with Gordon)
DEAN: I'm going into that nest. You don't want to tell me where it is, fine, I'll find it myself.
Bloodlust
DEAN: You and Ruby go fight demons.
SAM: Hold on, Dean. C'mon, man…
DEAN: Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal, from human?
Metamorphosis
(Sam resists assuming that Jack will necessarily turn into a Rougaru)
DEAN: Nice dude, but he's got something evil in him, something in his blood. Maybe you can relate.
Metamorphosis
(Dean discovers that Sam slept with Cara in the midst of a hunt for a Siren)
DEAN: First it's Madison, and then Ruby, and now Cara. Like what is with you and banging monsters?
Sex and Violence
(After Dean discovers that Sam is using his powers to exorcise demons)
DEAN: If I didn't know you, I'd want to hunt you.
Metamorphosis
Whether Dean goes too far in attempting to keep Sam on the family's "path" remains to be seen. We don't know, yet, whether Sam's use of his powers will compromise him or not. Regardless, though, Dean keeping Sam in alignment with the family's values is his way of keeping Sam safe, this time from himself.
Ever since his mother's death, Dean has never felt secure that his family would remain available to him. Keeping his family safe supports Dean's coping now. It allows him to hold onto the foundation of his world as long as he can.
For All Things There is a Price
The cost, however, is high. Per John's definition, everything was weighed against how it contributed or detracted from the family's core mission of survival. Anything that was not part of taking on the hunting life, sticking together, never letting up, rejecting all things supernatural, and watching out for Sammy were to be set aside.
If Dean coped by wholeheartedly identifying with his father, in order to meet his father's demands for what was necessary for the family to survive, Dean would have needed to strip away all things but those that served the family's mission.
Dean stripped away:
The innocence of his childhood, the ability to take risks and be just selfish enough to give into a need that is separate from what the family needs.
Dean goes out for just a little fun.
Something Wicked
And a Shtriga nearly kills his brother.
Something Wicked
His desire to feel truly seen:
To feel appreciated and loved for himself, rather than an instrument of the family's needs.
By his father:
JOHN: Mad? I’m proud of you. You know, Sam and I, we can get pretty obsessed. But you, you watch out for this family. You always have….
DEAN: I think he’s possessed. I think he’s been possessed since we rescued him.
JOHN: Don’t listen to him, Sammy.
SAM: Dean, how do you know?
DEAN: He’s different.
Devil's Trap
JOHN: You shouldn’t have had to say that to me. I should’ve been saying that to you. You know, I put, I put too much on your shoulders, I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, and you took care of me. You did that. And you didn’t complain, not once. I just want you to know, that I am so proud of you.
DEAN: Is this really you talking?
In My Time of Dying
DEAN: Well, check that off the to-do list.
SAM: You did it.
All Hell Breaks Loose 2
JOHN: You know, you fight and you fight for this family, but the truth is they don’t need you, not like you need them. Sam, he’s clearly John’s favorite. Even when they fight, it’s more concern than he’s ever shown you.
Devil's Trap
I mean, think about it. All he ever did was train you. Boss you around. But Sam, Sam he doted on. Sam, he loved. Dad knew who you really were, a good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument.
Dream a Little Dream
Or by someone else:
Lisa Braeden Dream a Little Dream
Cassie Route 666
Cassie-esqe Exotic dancer Sex and Violence
..who caught Dean's eye Sex and Violence
AMANDA: I thought, maybe, underneath your whole bad-boy, I give a crap thing, that there was something more going on. I mean, like the way you are with your brother? But I was wrong. You spend so much time trying to convince people you're cool, but it's just an act. We both know that you're just a sad, lonely little kid, and I feel sorry for you, Dean.
DEAN: You feel sorry for me, huh? Don't feel sorry for me. You don't know anything about me. I save lives. I'm a hero. A hero!
After School Special
CARMEN: For the record, he doesn’t know what he’s missing.
...
DEAN: This isn’t going to make a lick of sense to you, but I kind of feel like I’ve been given a second chance, and I don’t want to waste it.
CARMEN: You’re right. That doesn’t make any sense -
DEAN: You know, I get it.
CARMEN: Get what?
DEAN: Why you’re the one.
What Is and What Should Never Be
ANNA: What you did in Hell. Dean, I know. It wasn't your fault. You should forgive yourself.
DEAN: Anna, I don't wanna, uh, I don't wanna. Can't talk about that.
ANNA: I know. But, when you can, you have people who want to help. You're not alone.
Heaven and Hell
And his humanity.
DEAN: You know that guy I shot? There was a person in there.
SAM: You didn’t have a choice, Dean.
DEAN: Yeah, I know. That’s not what bothers me.
SAM: Then what does?
DEAN: Killing that guy, killing Meg, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even flinch. For you or Dad, the things I’m willing to do or kill, it just, it scares me sometimes.
Devil's Trap
GORDON: Oh, come on, man. It’s not like it was human. You’ve got to have a little more fun with your job.
DEAN: See, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell him. You could learn a thing or two from this guy.
SAM: Yeah, I bet I could.
Bloodlust
SAM: How? How'd you find us? Dean?!
DEAN: I'm sorry.
SAM: Why?
ANNA: Because they gave him a choice. They either kill me or kill you.
Heaven and Hell
The Hole Inside
Dean has been selling off bits and pieces of himself long before the crossroads deal, until there is barely anything meaningful left that didn't exist only to serve his family.
I know how dead you feel inside, how worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror and hate what you see.
Dream a little Dream of Me
Lazarus Rising
Sacrificing that much of his self didn't leave Dean with much to sustain him in the absence of his family. The implications are that Dean will have a very difficult time sustaining himself outside of his family. He has invested so much of himself in them and cut off so much that wasn't in their service that the loss of family means the loss of self. The two are so intertwined that the loss of one is the loss of the other. He has difficulty tolerating separations, whether emotional or physical.
JOHN: You know, you fight and you fight for this family, but the truth is, they don’t need you, not like you need them.
Devil's Trap
SAM: No, you can keep going.
DEAN: Who says I want to?
SAM: What?
DEAN: I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life. This weight on my shoulders, man. I'm tired of it.
SAM: So, what? So, you're just going to give up? I mean, you're just going to lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know the stuff with Dad -
DEAN: You're wrong. It's not about that. I mean, part of it is, sure, but -
Croatoan
DEAN: Well, I don't know when it happened. Maybe when I was in Hell. Maybe when I was staring right at you, but the Sam I knew, he's gone.
SAM: That so?
DEAN: It's not the demon blood or the psychic crap, it's the little stuff, the lies, the secrets.
Sex and Violence
It also means that Dean has taken on more responsibility than he will ever have the power to make happen. While he can fight for his family's safety, there is no way to ensure it. There is not enough power in this mortal world to keep death from eventually claiming Sam and John. Taking on the mission of keeping his family safe is a setup for either failure, taking on far, far too much blame when things go wrong, and, as we have seen, seeking out powers beyond what humans possess.
Cuz your misery is the whole point. It’s too much fun to watch. Knowing how your daddy died for you, how he sold his soul, I mean, that’s got to hurt. I mean, you loved him so much, and it’s all your fault. You blew it, Dean.
Crossroads Blues
It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job. I had one job. And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down. And now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do?
All Hell Breaks Loose II
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To summarize,
1) Dean lost much more than just a mother with Mary's murder, but lost all the things that make for a stable foundation in the development of the self.
2) John offered what Dean needed to reassert some semblance of that foundation, and Dean wholeheartedly accepted it. Because of the way John chose to cope with the destruction of his world, he demanded certain things from Dean, and Dean gave them willingly.
3) This allowed Dean to act on behalf of the family. He serves a strong role in preserving it against threats both from the outside and from within the family.
4) However, this comes at the cost of his self-identify. Dean's identity is so intertwined with that of his family that the loss of family is equivalent to the loss of self.
5) This both prompts Dean to keep selling of parts of his humanity in the service of his family and leaves him terribly lost when separated from them.
It would be very difficult for Dean to stop doing all of the above. He's been doing it since he was 4 years of age. Not only is it well-practiced and his personality is organized around it, but this mindset helped him and his family survive, and we don't give up things that helped us survive easily. Instead, under stress, we tend to hold onto them tighter, more often becoming more like ourselves instead of exploring alternate ways of approaching our problems.
It seems, to Dean, that turning his back on what his father taught him means the loss of what he holds dear. "If I do everything my father tells me to, then everything will be all right." And even if he learns that he needs to reject those things his father taught him, he faces additional hurdles. Turning away from his family's core values means that Dean is giving up the very last pieces of himself, that all that he had sacrificed in the past hadn't been necessary after all. And if it had been for nothing, then that leaves Dean with nothing.
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Next to come, Chapter 6: On Sam, Born of Love and Loss
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Chapter 1: On the Siren's Call
Chapter 2: On John the Man
Chapter 3: On John the Father
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Chapter 4: On Dean The Motherless Child
Chapter 5: On Dean the Heart of the Family
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Chapter 6: On Sam Born of Love and Loss
Chapter 7: On Sam in the Box
Chapter 8: On Sam out of the Box
Chapter 9 : On Sam Captive on a Carousel of Time
Chapter 10: On Sam Power Can Be Taken, But Not Given
Chapter 11: On Sam From Here Forward
Chapter 12: On Sam Out of the Box Redux
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Chapter 13: On SamnDean Putting Away Childish Things
Chapter 14: On SamnDean Triangles are a Demon's Best Friend
Chapter 15: On SamnDean Stop the Carousel I Want to Get Off
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credit goes to oxoniensis and marishna of summerskin for the screencaps