When I am President I will form a Special Flounder Squad to deal with doctors who practice by rote but have poor memories.

"Jesus, what happened to those five?"

"Threw a surprise party for a Marine."

"Oewe. And he reacted like it was an ambush."

"No, he just beat the shit out of them. Do you like surprise parties?"

Earlier this week, Fearless Leader announced that he was opposed to partisan rhetoric... which he immediately blamed on the Other Guys.

Later on David Bowie died.

Then Alan Rickman died.

In a past life did I condemn someone to be eaten by mice?

Here's my show pitch: sneak into a couple's home while they're out, fill their dressers and closets with cotton garments, redecorate in a theme of unstained wood and power tools, and go through the kitchen throwing out anything that looks even a little bit green and replacing it with meat. Then film the meltdown when they get home.

I call it ( Read more... )

Q: What do you call a werewolf that eats lawyers?

(Highlight for answer.)

A: "Good boy!"

My idea for a true superhero is someone who crumples the private automobiles of primary-school teachers into compact wads, then attaches a note that says:

YOU DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH CARS FOR EVERYBODY.

"Okay, we've got everything set up for our prank, so it looks like this coffee shop is a front for child trafficking, and our celebrity victim is going in right now. We'll get you that camera feed in a second, let's hear what's going on.... Seems to be something wrong with the microphone, let's try the camera.... Is that on the floor? Why is the ( Read more... )

"We're here live at the scene where Commander Justice has just saved a schoolbus full of hostages. Commander, do you have any advice for the hostages and their friends, that will help them cope with being sent off to school daily?"

"It's never too early to start looking into nursing homes."

Did anyone else out there get shoved out the door in the morning and step on every crack between there and school in hopes of finding the right one?

The Geneva agreements strike me as consisting of good intentions*. My idea of an effective international agreement runs more along the lines of:

ARTICLE ONE: Anything Nation A does to the troops of Nation B may be done by Nation B to every government official and government employee of Nation A, irrespective of the nature of their jobs.

ARTICLE ( Read more... )