I F***ing Do! Part 22
Title: I F***ing Do!
Team Name: Spying for the Pyromaniac Parrots
Word Count: 100 x 17 (but only 50 GS100 points)
Rating: M
Challenge: Creative Cursing Challenge
Characters: Hermione, Severus, Draco, Ron, Harry, Dean, Seamus, Neville, Lucius, Firenze, Bane, Magorian, two Goblins, Buggy the house elf, Luna
Authors Notes: Not mine, etc. etc. Thanks to all the Harpies, particularly
bluestocking79,
sc010f,
duniazade and
dickgloucester for their wonderful support.
Due to two of the Harpies being sick, two without internet and one missing in action, the Hissing Harpies will be taking a two day break to regroup and focus on making the wedding is wonderfully disastrous as possible. This entry will wrap up the final stages, and the first wedding entry will be posted on Thursday, the 3rd of July. Until then, you can catch up on the previous chapters!
On the Previous Episode of I F***ing Do!...
Click to read the previous entries.
Severus turned up at Ron’s flat in a foul mood expecting nothing out of the stag party except to get completely sloshed.
What actually happened was that he Apparated into a pitch-dark flat with no one apparently there.
‘Hello…?’ Severus called, his fuse shortening by the second. ‘Where is every-‘
Before he could finish the sentence, seven men, three centaurs and a house elf-for good measure-pounced on him in the darkness. He kicked, punched and even bit one of them, his struggles punctuated occasionally by yells such as ‘fuck’, ‘fwooping turdfaces’ and ‘horse-fucked howler monkeys’, among others.
& & &
But it was all in vain.
After a few action-filled moments, Severus Snape was bound to a chair, surrounded by eight males. The wizards-Harry, Ron, Lucius, Draco, Neville, Dean and Seamus-held their wands to their chins in the darkness, tips lit with Lumos, illuminating their faces eerily. (Bane, Firenze, Magorian and Buggy attempted to recreate the same effect with sparklers, although this didn’t work too well.)
‘Severus Snape,’ Ron intoned solemnly. ‘This is your last night as a bachelor.’
‘Thanks, Captain Obvious,’ Severus replied sarcastically.
Ron ignored him. ‘Be prepared to face your Five Bachelor Trials of Doom!’
& & &
Severus blinked. ‘This is what you planned for the stag party?’ he asked incredulously.
Lucius rolled his eyes. ‘I told you he wouldn’t be impressed, you fuckwitted philistines.’
Ron elbowed Lucius. ‘Oh, shut it. Need I remind you of how well your planning went, Mr I-Have-Peacock-Feathers-Stuck-Up-My-Arse?’
Lucius shot him a very dirty look that very clearly said, ‘I’d kill you if I could, you freckle-faced turd,’ but subsided reluctantly. Ron smirked triumphantly.
‘C’mon, mates,’ Draco said impatiently. ‘Enough chit-chat. On with it.’ The others nodded.
‘Right,’ Ron agreed. ‘Bachelor Trial Number One: Temptation!’
& & &
At these words, a spotlight appeared in the darkness.
Bang in the middle, Severus could clearly see a pole.
He gulped. Oh fucking dear.
No sooner than he’d thought it, a beautiful burlesque dancer appeared in the spotlight. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, a mole on her cheek and a ridiculously tempting hourglass figure. She was also wearing next to nothing, unless you counted fishnet stockings, a lacy black and green bra and panties as clothing.
Severus most assuredly did not.
‘Which Muggle did you say she looked like, again?’ Ron hissed, nudging Dean.
‘Marilyn Monroe,’ Dean whispered back.
& & &
He desperately tried to Disapparate before anything could happen, but he could feel something blocking him. Those little basket-brained bastards had obviously put up Anti-Apparition wards.
As she began a slow, sashaying strut towards him, Severus hastily dropped Plan A and moved on to Plan B.
Hooch in a leopard pantsuit, Severus thought desperately. No, no, Minerva in grannypants-oh bloody Merlin, she’s coming closer! Filius and Hammerhand… shit shit shit… aha! Hagrid naked with a-
As soon as he thought it, the spotlight, pole and burlesque dancer all disappeared with a poof before she could even remove any clothes.
& & &
‘Bloody hell,’ Ron stared, boggle-eyed with astonishment. ‘You must be a downright prude, old chap. She won’t vanish unless you can summon complete revulsion!’
Severus did nothing to convince him otherwise, hoping that the sweat and his, er, lack of flaccidity wouldn’t give him away.
Dean, Neville, Draco and Seamus all looked at Severus as though he’d just kicked a puppy. The centaurs were nowhere to be found, and Buggy had escaped to the kitchen. Harry and Lucius were both staring determinedly at the wall.
‘Nice colour,’ Harry commented to Lucius conversationally.
‘Yes, I’d call it vanilla,’ Lucius replied nonchalantly.
& & &
‘Er, right. Well, er, on to Bachelor Trial Number Two: Sobriety!’ Ron announced somewhat shakily.
The lights vanished and another spotlight appeared, as well as a table and chairs. Severus felt the ropes disappear as the other men seated themselves at the table.
‘Seeing as this is your last chance to get fully pissed, we’ve decided to have a drinking contest. You have to outdrink all of us, or else,’ Ron told him cheerfully.
Severus raised an eyebrow. ‘Or else what?’
Ron shrugged. ‘Haven’t thought of it yet. Probably throw you into a Muggle public pool with no clothes on.’
& & &
‘Bring on the Firewhisky!’ Ron declared, tapping the table with his wand.
Several glasses of alcohol appeared on the table.
The centaurs, distracted by promises of booze, sauntered back in and took their places at the table. Buggy could still be heard rearranging Ron’s kitchen.
‘While we’re still relatively sober, I’d like to take a moment to thank Lucius for letting us dip into his stocks,’ Ron acknowledged, raising his glass and knocking it back. Lucius nodded triumphantly and followed suit.
‘Cheers, you weak-livered pansies,’ Severus smirked, downing his shot.
‘We’ll see about that,’ Ron reminded him. ‘Another round, boys!’
& & &
Five shots later, Neville was most assuredly out for the count. ‘Chee-ee-eers, mates,’ he slurred, barely swallowing his shot before slumping over onto the table and emitting loud, snuffling snores. Ron kindly Levitated him into the guest room and let him sleep it off. Severus even produced a Sober-Up potion, figuring that if there was anything Longbottom wouldn’t be able to procure for himself, it was probably that.
At seven shots, Severus learned that Mrs Ginny Potter had an Auror and Dark Wizard fantasy and that centaurs were a lot more active-particularly Firenze-than he’d ever cared to know.
& & &
After ten shots, Firenze giggled and abruptly keeled over with a loud thud.
Ron leaned over to check on him. ‘Still breathing. Carry on, my inebriated idiots!’
Twelve shots later, Bane and Magorian joined their compatriot on the floor, muttering about ‘Venus’ vagina’ and ‘Neptune’s turgid nimrod’ between snores.
Harry surveyed the table. They were down to Ron, Draco Dean, Seamus, Severus, Lucius and himself. They’d also run out of Firewhisky. Apparently, Lucius wasn’t that well stocked.
‘Well, bugger me backwards on a broomstick,’ Ron slurred. ‘That’s a downer.’
Dean and Seamus drunkenly agreed before falling asleep on each other.
& & &
At fifteen shots, Harry, Ron and Draco surrendered together.
Severus turned calmly to Lucius, who was casually sipping a glass of Bailey’s Irish Cream that they’d managed to find hidden at the back of Ron’s cabinet. ‘Well, that was unimpressive,’ he commented conversationally.
‘Yes,’ Lucius replied without slurring. ‘Fifteen shots and I barely feel as if I’ve been tickled. Not to mention that I've been reduced to this peasant-grade Muggle monkey piss.’
Ron exchanged glances with Harry and Draco. ‘Well, schcrew thish, matesh,’ Ron declared. ‘I shay we wash the Quiddish. It’sh the Harpiesh tonight! They’ll beat the Washpsh flat.’
& & &
The Bachelor Trials of Doom forgotten, Severus turned to Lucius. ‘What were the other three ‘Trials of Doom’, anyway?’
Lucius shrugged. ‘I don’t think Weasley thought that far, actually, although he did mention something about strip poker, Truth and Dare and some Muggle prank involving toilet paper. Not very creative, that orange-pubed lout.’
Severus glanced at his wristwatch. ‘Well, I’ve got some business to take care of.’ He shot a look at the three young men ogling Gwenog Jones’ very fit arse. ‘I’ll leave you to babysit, then,’ he said with a smirk and walked out of the flat.
& & &
‘What do you mean you don’t know where she is, you airheaded gibberish-dispenser?’ Severus yelled at Luna incredulously. ‘It was your hen night! Why Hogwarts, anyway?’
‘Oh, well, we were going Pogwump hunting but Hermione had a run-in with a unicorn, so we came here. Then Minerva decided to get the rest of the female staff involved, so we’re all here now, you see.’ She calmly stared back at Severus, completely unperturbed. ‘Maybe she got bitten by a Nargle. In any case, she’s not here.’
Severus almost asked what Nargles and Pogwumps were. Then he decided it wasn't worth the effort.
& & &
Severus began to fear the worst when he Apparated into their seemingly empty flat, only to find his fiancée fast asleep in their bed.
He shook her awake gently.
‘Oh, Severus,’ she sighed, close to tears. ‘I wanted to apologise to you for everything, but you weren’t here, and I just felt so rotten that I decided to stay until you came, and…’
Severus laid a finger against her lips. ‘It’s alright. Things haven’t quite been going our way at all, and the least we could do is tolerate each others’ tempers. So I’m sorry, too.’
Then she kissed him.
& & &
He wiped away the salty tears on her cheek with the soft pad of his thumb. ‘It’ll all be over tomorrow, and then we can do whatever the fuck we want without anyone else trying to plan our lives.’
She giggled shakily. ‘That sounds like a distant dream, after everything that’s happened to us.’
Severus sighed. ‘Don’t I know it. Remember I was working on a surprise? You know, the one we ended up arguing about? Would you like to see it now?’
Hermione nodded, hugging him tightly. ‘Please.’
He covered her eyes with his hands and Apparated them away.
& & &
He took her to Classroom Eleven.
‘Surprise,’ he whispered in her ear, uncovering her eyes.
It was beautiful. While Hermione had been out making plans and compromises, he had been redecorating with Minerva's and the Goblins' help. They stepped into a massive forest clearing with a church-like influence. There were wooden pews sitting on bare grass with wisterias and ivy twining around them. They led to a small white marquee of pure white silk with gardenias winding around the poles, making the whole clearing smell sweetly musky.
‘Severus,’ Hermione said, for lack of anything better to say. ‘I-I’m speechless.’
& & &
She gaped at the setting where she would be wed. It was perfect. Enough like a church to satisfy her Muggle relations, bang in the middle of nature to keep the wizards happy.
She was awestruck. She could even hear birds chirping gently in the trees and the rush of a stream in the distance. ‘Oh, Severus, and I’ve been beastly to you. Can you ever forgive me?’
‘Marry me tomorrow morning, Hermione. That’s all the forgiveness I need.’
‘I love you so much, Severus.’
‘And I love you,’ he said, sweeping her into her arms and kissing her senseless.
Team Name: Spying for the Pyromaniac Parrots
Word Count: 100 x 17 (but only 50 GS100 points)
Rating: M
Challenge: Creative Cursing Challenge
Characters: Hermione, Severus, Draco, Ron, Harry, Dean, Seamus, Neville, Lucius, Firenze, Bane, Magorian, two Goblins, Buggy the house elf, Luna
Authors Notes: Not mine, etc. etc. Thanks to all the Harpies, particularly
bluestocking79,
sc010f,
duniazade and
dickgloucester for their wonderful support.
Due to two of the Harpies being sick, two without internet and one missing in action, the Hissing Harpies will be taking a two day break to regroup and focus on making the wedding is wonderfully disastrous as possible. This entry will wrap up the final stages, and the first wedding entry will be posted on Thursday, the 3rd of July. Until then, you can catch up on the previous chapters!
On the Previous Episode of I F***ing Do!...
Click to read the previous entries.
Severus turned up at Ron’s flat in a foul mood expecting nothing out of the stag party except to get completely sloshed.
What actually happened was that he Apparated into a pitch-dark flat with no one apparently there.
‘Hello…?’ Severus called, his fuse shortening by the second. ‘Where is every-‘
Before he could finish the sentence, seven men, three centaurs and a house elf-for good measure-pounced on him in the darkness. He kicked, punched and even bit one of them, his struggles punctuated occasionally by yells such as ‘fuck’, ‘fwooping turdfaces’ and ‘horse-fucked howler monkeys’, among others.
& & &
But it was all in vain.
After a few action-filled moments, Severus Snape was bound to a chair, surrounded by eight males. The wizards-Harry, Ron, Lucius, Draco, Neville, Dean and Seamus-held their wands to their chins in the darkness, tips lit with Lumos, illuminating their faces eerily. (Bane, Firenze, Magorian and Buggy attempted to recreate the same effect with sparklers, although this didn’t work too well.)
‘Severus Snape,’ Ron intoned solemnly. ‘This is your last night as a bachelor.’
‘Thanks, Captain Obvious,’ Severus replied sarcastically.
Ron ignored him. ‘Be prepared to face your Five Bachelor Trials of Doom!’
& & &
Severus blinked. ‘This is what you planned for the stag party?’ he asked incredulously.
Lucius rolled his eyes. ‘I told you he wouldn’t be impressed, you fuckwitted philistines.’
Ron elbowed Lucius. ‘Oh, shut it. Need I remind you of how well your planning went, Mr I-Have-Peacock-Feathers-Stuck-Up-My-Arse?’
Lucius shot him a very dirty look that very clearly said, ‘I’d kill you if I could, you freckle-faced turd,’ but subsided reluctantly. Ron smirked triumphantly.
‘C’mon, mates,’ Draco said impatiently. ‘Enough chit-chat. On with it.’ The others nodded.
‘Right,’ Ron agreed. ‘Bachelor Trial Number One: Temptation!’
& & &
At these words, a spotlight appeared in the darkness.
Bang in the middle, Severus could clearly see a pole.
He gulped. Oh fucking dear.
No sooner than he’d thought it, a beautiful burlesque dancer appeared in the spotlight. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, a mole on her cheek and a ridiculously tempting hourglass figure. She was also wearing next to nothing, unless you counted fishnet stockings, a lacy black and green bra and panties as clothing.
Severus most assuredly did not.
‘Which Muggle did you say she looked like, again?’ Ron hissed, nudging Dean.
‘Marilyn Monroe,’ Dean whispered back.
& & &
He desperately tried to Disapparate before anything could happen, but he could feel something blocking him. Those little basket-brained bastards had obviously put up Anti-Apparition wards.
As she began a slow, sashaying strut towards him, Severus hastily dropped Plan A and moved on to Plan B.
Hooch in a leopard pantsuit, Severus thought desperately. No, no, Minerva in grannypants-oh bloody Merlin, she’s coming closer! Filius and Hammerhand… shit shit shit… aha! Hagrid naked with a-
As soon as he thought it, the spotlight, pole and burlesque dancer all disappeared with a poof before she could even remove any clothes.
& & &
‘Bloody hell,’ Ron stared, boggle-eyed with astonishment. ‘You must be a downright prude, old chap. She won’t vanish unless you can summon complete revulsion!’
Severus did nothing to convince him otherwise, hoping that the sweat and his, er, lack of flaccidity wouldn’t give him away.
Dean, Neville, Draco and Seamus all looked at Severus as though he’d just kicked a puppy. The centaurs were nowhere to be found, and Buggy had escaped to the kitchen. Harry and Lucius were both staring determinedly at the wall.
‘Nice colour,’ Harry commented to Lucius conversationally.
‘Yes, I’d call it vanilla,’ Lucius replied nonchalantly.
& & &
‘Er, right. Well, er, on to Bachelor Trial Number Two: Sobriety!’ Ron announced somewhat shakily.
The lights vanished and another spotlight appeared, as well as a table and chairs. Severus felt the ropes disappear as the other men seated themselves at the table.
‘Seeing as this is your last chance to get fully pissed, we’ve decided to have a drinking contest. You have to outdrink all of us, or else,’ Ron told him cheerfully.
Severus raised an eyebrow. ‘Or else what?’
Ron shrugged. ‘Haven’t thought of it yet. Probably throw you into a Muggle public pool with no clothes on.’
& & &
‘Bring on the Firewhisky!’ Ron declared, tapping the table with his wand.
Several glasses of alcohol appeared on the table.
The centaurs, distracted by promises of booze, sauntered back in and took their places at the table. Buggy could still be heard rearranging Ron’s kitchen.
‘While we’re still relatively sober, I’d like to take a moment to thank Lucius for letting us dip into his stocks,’ Ron acknowledged, raising his glass and knocking it back. Lucius nodded triumphantly and followed suit.
‘Cheers, you weak-livered pansies,’ Severus smirked, downing his shot.
‘We’ll see about that,’ Ron reminded him. ‘Another round, boys!’
& & &
Five shots later, Neville was most assuredly out for the count. ‘Chee-ee-eers, mates,’ he slurred, barely swallowing his shot before slumping over onto the table and emitting loud, snuffling snores. Ron kindly Levitated him into the guest room and let him sleep it off. Severus even produced a Sober-Up potion, figuring that if there was anything Longbottom wouldn’t be able to procure for himself, it was probably that.
At seven shots, Severus learned that Mrs Ginny Potter had an Auror and Dark Wizard fantasy and that centaurs were a lot more active-particularly Firenze-than he’d ever cared to know.
& & &
After ten shots, Firenze giggled and abruptly keeled over with a loud thud.
Ron leaned over to check on him. ‘Still breathing. Carry on, my inebriated idiots!’
Twelve shots later, Bane and Magorian joined their compatriot on the floor, muttering about ‘Venus’ vagina’ and ‘Neptune’s turgid nimrod’ between snores.
Harry surveyed the table. They were down to Ron, Draco Dean, Seamus, Severus, Lucius and himself. They’d also run out of Firewhisky. Apparently, Lucius wasn’t that well stocked.
‘Well, bugger me backwards on a broomstick,’ Ron slurred. ‘That’s a downer.’
Dean and Seamus drunkenly agreed before falling asleep on each other.
& & &
At fifteen shots, Harry, Ron and Draco surrendered together.
Severus turned calmly to Lucius, who was casually sipping a glass of Bailey’s Irish Cream that they’d managed to find hidden at the back of Ron’s cabinet. ‘Well, that was unimpressive,’ he commented conversationally.
‘Yes,’ Lucius replied without slurring. ‘Fifteen shots and I barely feel as if I’ve been tickled. Not to mention that I've been reduced to this peasant-grade Muggle monkey piss.’
Ron exchanged glances with Harry and Draco. ‘Well, schcrew thish, matesh,’ Ron declared. ‘I shay we wash the Quiddish. It’sh the Harpiesh tonight! They’ll beat the Washpsh flat.’
& & &
The Bachelor Trials of Doom forgotten, Severus turned to Lucius. ‘What were the other three ‘Trials of Doom’, anyway?’
Lucius shrugged. ‘I don’t think Weasley thought that far, actually, although he did mention something about strip poker, Truth and Dare and some Muggle prank involving toilet paper. Not very creative, that orange-pubed lout.’
Severus glanced at his wristwatch. ‘Well, I’ve got some business to take care of.’ He shot a look at the three young men ogling Gwenog Jones’ very fit arse. ‘I’ll leave you to babysit, then,’ he said with a smirk and walked out of the flat.
& & &
‘What do you mean you don’t know where she is, you airheaded gibberish-dispenser?’ Severus yelled at Luna incredulously. ‘It was your hen night! Why Hogwarts, anyway?’
‘Oh, well, we were going Pogwump hunting but Hermione had a run-in with a unicorn, so we came here. Then Minerva decided to get the rest of the female staff involved, so we’re all here now, you see.’ She calmly stared back at Severus, completely unperturbed. ‘Maybe she got bitten by a Nargle. In any case, she’s not here.’
Severus almost asked what Nargles and Pogwumps were. Then he decided it wasn't worth the effort.
& & &
Severus began to fear the worst when he Apparated into their seemingly empty flat, only to find his fiancée fast asleep in their bed.
He shook her awake gently.
‘Oh, Severus,’ she sighed, close to tears. ‘I wanted to apologise to you for everything, but you weren’t here, and I just felt so rotten that I decided to stay until you came, and…’
Severus laid a finger against her lips. ‘It’s alright. Things haven’t quite been going our way at all, and the least we could do is tolerate each others’ tempers. So I’m sorry, too.’
Then she kissed him.
& & &
He wiped away the salty tears on her cheek with the soft pad of his thumb. ‘It’ll all be over tomorrow, and then we can do whatever the fuck we want without anyone else trying to plan our lives.’
She giggled shakily. ‘That sounds like a distant dream, after everything that’s happened to us.’
Severus sighed. ‘Don’t I know it. Remember I was working on a surprise? You know, the one we ended up arguing about? Would you like to see it now?’
Hermione nodded, hugging him tightly. ‘Please.’
He covered her eyes with his hands and Apparated them away.
& & &
He took her to Classroom Eleven.
‘Surprise,’ he whispered in her ear, uncovering her eyes.
It was beautiful. While Hermione had been out making plans and compromises, he had been redecorating with Minerva's and the Goblins' help. They stepped into a massive forest clearing with a church-like influence. There were wooden pews sitting on bare grass with wisterias and ivy twining around them. They led to a small white marquee of pure white silk with gardenias winding around the poles, making the whole clearing smell sweetly musky.
‘Severus,’ Hermione said, for lack of anything better to say. ‘I-I’m speechless.’
& & &
She gaped at the setting where she would be wed. It was perfect. Enough like a church to satisfy her Muggle relations, bang in the middle of nature to keep the wizards happy.
She was awestruck. She could even hear birds chirping gently in the trees and the rush of a stream in the distance. ‘Oh, Severus, and I’ve been beastly to you. Can you ever forgive me?’
‘Marry me tomorrow morning, Hermione. That’s all the forgiveness I need.’
‘I love you so much, Severus.’
‘And I love you,’ he said, sweeping her into her arms and kissing her senseless.