I F***ing Do, Part 21
Title: I F***ing Do
Team : Order of the Phoenix
Word Count: 100 x 14
Rating: Mature--bad language here. (Well, obviously.)
Challenge: Creative Cursing Challenge
Characters: Hermione/Severus, Fluffy the Parrot, two Grouchy Goblins, two Smelly Centaurs, Luna, Lavender, Ginny and the fine and upstanding witches of Hogwarts.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, they're J.K. Rowling's. Alas.
Notes: 21st installment of "I F***ing Do," a Hissing Harpies round robin. Originally written in longhand and currently being posted from my lovely parents' computer, as I'm without power. Extra special thanks to all the wonderful and supportive Harpies for their patience and understanding, most especially dickgloucester and gilded_glamour for the reassurance and the lightning-quick beta. Any remaining errors are purely my fault.
Previously, in "I F***ing Do"...
Read from the beginning
With Dolohov on the loose and the handfasting from hell soon approaching, sharing a house with two smelly Centaurs, two grumbling Goblins and a profane parrot was more than Hermione could bear.
Even with magical adjustments to accommodate the 'bodyguards,' the house was an absolute tip-hay and manure and twisty metal bits everywhere. The reek of horse shit was omnipresent, and the constant bickering was grating on her nerves.
"Artemis' sacred snatch, Bane! Your hoof trimmings are everywhere!"
"Like your droppings aren't ill-odoured, Magorian!"
"Oi! Monkey! If you've nicked my best G-clamp, I'm taking my pliers to your pubes!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Shut your yappers, you scurvy bastards, or Fluffy will see you hung, and not by your tails!"
"I wish your father had taken that fwooping feathered menace with him," Hermione muttered. Fluffy's screeching was the crowning turd on the steaming shitpile her life had become.
Severus looked up from the letter he was writing. He had the indecency to look amused. "Aberforth doesn't allow animals in the Hog's Head… other than the goats, of course. And my father."
"Stinking son of a whore," Fluffy commented.
"Quite," Severus sniggered, going back to his scribbling.
Hermione frowned. "What are you doing now?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Nothing."
"Why am I not reassured?" Hermione reached for the parchment; Severus snatched it away, smirking. "Now I know you're hiding something, you sodding, secretive Slytherin. That had better not be anything to do with the wedding!"
"What if it is, you nosy Niffler? It might be a surprise, hmm?"
"I've had enough surprises, Severus," Hermione snapped. "I swear, if you introduce one single unapproved surprise at my wedding, I'll have your bollocks for breakfast on toast."
"Cronus' cock ring!" Severus exploded. "It's all about you, isn't it? Can't I do one chuffing thing for this wedding on my own?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione's overtaxed temper flared like dry tinder after a sudden spark. "Haven't you done enough already? Every time you surprise me, I get stung with nettles, or have a thousand shots in my arse for a honeymoon in Outer Bumfuck, Africa!
Severus went very silent and still.
"Fine," he said. "If that's how you really feel, I'll be sure to keep my hands off the rest of your wedding."
He stalked off to the bedroom, slamming the door.
Hermione groaned, burying her head in her hands. "Ooh, you shitty bastard, not again, you don't!"
"Fucked to perdition!" Fluffy added helpfully.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
For days afterward, Severus communicated only in grunts and sulky glares. The wedding was on, but he was being a surly git about it.
Well, fine. If he wanted to act that way, she'd let him. He was the one being unreasonable.
Still, it was a relief to depart for Hogwarts the day before the wedding, even accompanied by Dumb and Dumber; Severus' silence was… uncomfortable. Accusing, somehow.
Soon everything would be over, though, and tonight was her Hen Night: an excuse to relax and be blissfully, drunkenly inappropriate.
For the first time in weeks, Hermione planned to have fun.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Luna had arranged for them all to meet in the entrance hall to take a Portkey she'd arranged to the party's mystery location. At the idea of taking another Portkey, Hermione's Goblin guards excused themselves from duty for the evening.
Not even the presence of Lavender and Ginny could erase Hermione's smirk as she grabbed the Portkey, anticipating a fabulous, Goblin-free evening.
It was a shock when they materialised in the middle of a pitch-black forest, icy rain pissing down around them.
"Antigone's arsehole!" Hermione shouted, dismayed. "Where are we?"
"The Forbidden Forest!" Luna said. "Surprise! We're going Pogwump sighting!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There were probably less appropriate activities for a Hen Party than huddling in muddy bushes in search of imaginary animals, but Hermione couldn't think of any.
"If I'd been in charge, we'd be ogling top totty right now," Ginny reminded everyone, Transfiguring her strappy shoes into wellies.
"I'd have got us into the best clubs in Erotic Alley," Lavender added, not to be outdone.
"It's Hermione's last chance," Luna explained. "She'll never be able to see Pogwumps after tomorrow."
"Why ever not?" Hermione asked.
"Because you won't be a virgin anymore," Luna laughed. "Everybody knows only virgins can see Pogwumps!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione stared. The other witches giggled.
"Hera's hymen-I've lived with Severus for years! I'm not a virgin!"
"Oh!" Luna considered this. "Can you tell me, then… is Severus' penis large? I've always wondered. He seems like he'd have a very large-"
"Tisiphone's twat!" Ginny screeched suddenly. "Hermione! LOOK OUT!"
Hermione turned, wand out, but was too late; her unexpected assailant mowed her down with ease.
As she lay on the ground, aching and stunned, she wondered if the hoof marks would show in the wedding pictures.
"I forgot to mention," Luna murmured. "The unicorns are sometimes funny around non-virgins."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After alerting the Goblins, they used a Levitation Charm to get Hermione up to the infirmary, where Poppy treated her injuries and tutted about taking proper precautions around unicorns.
"Circe's slipknot! I only wanted dinner and a few drinks out," Hermione said mournfully.
"I'm sorry," Luna apologised from her bedside. "But Professor McGonagall felt so bad for you that she's organising a new party for you in the Staff Room. That'll be fun!"
Hermione suppressed a groan at the thought of 'Starchy Knickers' McGonagall's concept of a fun Hen Party. Then again, at least it beat chasing after fwooping Pogwumps.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three hours and several bottles of Firewhisky later, Hermione knew three things for certain: that she was pissed as a pickled pixie, that Minerva had excellent taste in booze, and that her former teachers had filthy, filthy minds. The younger witches watched the older ones with awe.
"I'd take Hagrid," Sinistra proclaimed, downing another shot. "Cock like a Quidditch bat. Saw him take a piss in the pumpkin patch once. Lovely thing."
Sprout blew a wet-sounding raspberry. "Strictly amateur. Firenze, though…" She got a glazed, happy look in her eyes.
"Size doesn't matter," Vector sniffed. "It's how you use it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Minerva snorted. "So that's why you're always sniffing after Filius! I'm telling you, only Goblins need apply there. Male goblins."
Sinistra spluttered her whisky. "I always knew he had Aberforthy tendencies, but you mean he's…?"
"Bent as a troll's todger," Minerva confirmed. "Why do you think I let him handle the banking? He always gets us the best rates from Gringotts."
Brass Monkey's pointy ears perked up. He and Hammerhand were amusing themselves by fashioning vaguely rude party favours from paperclips.
"New topic," Hooch announced. "Strangest place you ever fucked. I'll go first: the rose gardens at Malfoy Manor. Twice."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Rowing boat," Lavender offered.
"Broomstick," Vector announced.
Hermione, however, thought only of Severus smiling, talking about fucking on African beaches and murmuring Zanzibar in that voice that melted her insides.
She'd been shitty to him, she realised, a wave of remorse washing over her. He'd done something nice for her, and she'd ruined it.
She got up unsteadily. Hooch was singing bawdy ballads, wearing a Goblin-made paperclip tiara, and neither the cackling witches nor the Goblins took much note of Hermione excusing herself to bed.
She headed out the front doors instead.
Bugger tradition-she needed to see Severus tonight.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The house was dark and empty when Hermione Apparated in; Severus was probably off at his thrice-damned stag party, and where he went, the Centaurs followed.
No matter; she'd wait.
She padded to their room and sank down on the bed, breathing the familiar scent of Severus on the sheets: his soap, his sweat, his shampoo. Tomorrow she would marry him, and she would wake up to this smell and the man it represented for decades to come.
The wedding didn't really matter. The marriage did.
The most terrifying thing about the revelation was that it didn't terrify her.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione hugged Severus' pillow, wondering when he would return.
She wanted to apologise. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to shag him till he panted and babbled and came deliciously undone beneath her.
It momentarily occurred to her that she ought to notify Hammertoes and Monkey Arse of her whereabouts, but the bed felt far too exquisite at the moment for her to bother moving just yet.
She could tell them later.
That was her last thought before she drifted off, dreaming of Severus dressed in nothing but a smirk, glorious and waiting for her on the African shore.
Go on to Part 22
Team : Order of the Phoenix
Word Count: 100 x 14
Rating: Mature--bad language here. (Well, obviously.)
Challenge: Creative Cursing Challenge
Characters: Hermione/Severus, Fluffy the Parrot, two Grouchy Goblins, two Smelly Centaurs, Luna, Lavender, Ginny and the fine and upstanding witches of Hogwarts.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, they're J.K. Rowling's. Alas.
Notes: 21st installment of "I F***ing Do," a Hissing Harpies round robin. Originally written in longhand and currently being posted from my lovely parents' computer, as I'm without power. Extra special thanks to all the wonderful and supportive Harpies for their patience and understanding, most especially dickgloucester and gilded_glamour for the reassurance and the lightning-quick beta. Any remaining errors are purely my fault.
Previously, in "I F***ing Do"...
Read from the beginning
With Dolohov on the loose and the handfasting from hell soon approaching, sharing a house with two smelly Centaurs, two grumbling Goblins and a profane parrot was more than Hermione could bear.
Even with magical adjustments to accommodate the 'bodyguards,' the house was an absolute tip-hay and manure and twisty metal bits everywhere. The reek of horse shit was omnipresent, and the constant bickering was grating on her nerves.
"Artemis' sacred snatch, Bane! Your hoof trimmings are everywhere!"
"Like your droppings aren't ill-odoured, Magorian!"
"Oi! Monkey! If you've nicked my best G-clamp, I'm taking my pliers to your pubes!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Shut your yappers, you scurvy bastards, or Fluffy will see you hung, and not by your tails!"
"I wish your father had taken that fwooping feathered menace with him," Hermione muttered. Fluffy's screeching was the crowning turd on the steaming shitpile her life had become.
Severus looked up from the letter he was writing. He had the indecency to look amused. "Aberforth doesn't allow animals in the Hog's Head… other than the goats, of course. And my father."
"Stinking son of a whore," Fluffy commented.
"Quite," Severus sniggered, going back to his scribbling.
Hermione frowned. "What are you doing now?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Nothing."
"Why am I not reassured?" Hermione reached for the parchment; Severus snatched it away, smirking. "Now I know you're hiding something, you sodding, secretive Slytherin. That had better not be anything to do with the wedding!"
"What if it is, you nosy Niffler? It might be a surprise, hmm?"
"I've had enough surprises, Severus," Hermione snapped. "I swear, if you introduce one single unapproved surprise at my wedding, I'll have your bollocks for breakfast on toast."
"Cronus' cock ring!" Severus exploded. "It's all about you, isn't it? Can't I do one chuffing thing for this wedding on my own?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione's overtaxed temper flared like dry tinder after a sudden spark. "Haven't you done enough already? Every time you surprise me, I get stung with nettles, or have a thousand shots in my arse for a honeymoon in Outer Bumfuck, Africa!
Severus went very silent and still.
"Fine," he said. "If that's how you really feel, I'll be sure to keep my hands off the rest of your wedding."
He stalked off to the bedroom, slamming the door.
Hermione groaned, burying her head in her hands. "Ooh, you shitty bastard, not again, you don't!"
"Fucked to perdition!" Fluffy added helpfully.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
For days afterward, Severus communicated only in grunts and sulky glares. The wedding was on, but he was being a surly git about it.
Well, fine. If he wanted to act that way, she'd let him. He was the one being unreasonable.
Still, it was a relief to depart for Hogwarts the day before the wedding, even accompanied by Dumb and Dumber; Severus' silence was… uncomfortable. Accusing, somehow.
Soon everything would be over, though, and tonight was her Hen Night: an excuse to relax and be blissfully, drunkenly inappropriate.
For the first time in weeks, Hermione planned to have fun.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Luna had arranged for them all to meet in the entrance hall to take a Portkey she'd arranged to the party's mystery location. At the idea of taking another Portkey, Hermione's Goblin guards excused themselves from duty for the evening.
Not even the presence of Lavender and Ginny could erase Hermione's smirk as she grabbed the Portkey, anticipating a fabulous, Goblin-free evening.
It was a shock when they materialised in the middle of a pitch-black forest, icy rain pissing down around them.
"Antigone's arsehole!" Hermione shouted, dismayed. "Where are we?"
"The Forbidden Forest!" Luna said. "Surprise! We're going Pogwump sighting!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There were probably less appropriate activities for a Hen Party than huddling in muddy bushes in search of imaginary animals, but Hermione couldn't think of any.
"If I'd been in charge, we'd be ogling top totty right now," Ginny reminded everyone, Transfiguring her strappy shoes into wellies.
"I'd have got us into the best clubs in Erotic Alley," Lavender added, not to be outdone.
"It's Hermione's last chance," Luna explained. "She'll never be able to see Pogwumps after tomorrow."
"Why ever not?" Hermione asked.
"Because you won't be a virgin anymore," Luna laughed. "Everybody knows only virgins can see Pogwumps!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione stared. The other witches giggled.
"Hera's hymen-I've lived with Severus for years! I'm not a virgin!"
"Oh!" Luna considered this. "Can you tell me, then… is Severus' penis large? I've always wondered. He seems like he'd have a very large-"
"Tisiphone's twat!" Ginny screeched suddenly. "Hermione! LOOK OUT!"
Hermione turned, wand out, but was too late; her unexpected assailant mowed her down with ease.
As she lay on the ground, aching and stunned, she wondered if the hoof marks would show in the wedding pictures.
"I forgot to mention," Luna murmured. "The unicorns are sometimes funny around non-virgins."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After alerting the Goblins, they used a Levitation Charm to get Hermione up to the infirmary, where Poppy treated her injuries and tutted about taking proper precautions around unicorns.
"Circe's slipknot! I only wanted dinner and a few drinks out," Hermione said mournfully.
"I'm sorry," Luna apologised from her bedside. "But Professor McGonagall felt so bad for you that she's organising a new party for you in the Staff Room. That'll be fun!"
Hermione suppressed a groan at the thought of 'Starchy Knickers' McGonagall's concept of a fun Hen Party. Then again, at least it beat chasing after fwooping Pogwumps.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three hours and several bottles of Firewhisky later, Hermione knew three things for certain: that she was pissed as a pickled pixie, that Minerva had excellent taste in booze, and that her former teachers had filthy, filthy minds. The younger witches watched the older ones with awe.
"I'd take Hagrid," Sinistra proclaimed, downing another shot. "Cock like a Quidditch bat. Saw him take a piss in the pumpkin patch once. Lovely thing."
Sprout blew a wet-sounding raspberry. "Strictly amateur. Firenze, though…" She got a glazed, happy look in her eyes.
"Size doesn't matter," Vector sniffed. "It's how you use it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Minerva snorted. "So that's why you're always sniffing after Filius! I'm telling you, only Goblins need apply there. Male goblins."
Sinistra spluttered her whisky. "I always knew he had Aberforthy tendencies, but you mean he's…?"
"Bent as a troll's todger," Minerva confirmed. "Why do you think I let him handle the banking? He always gets us the best rates from Gringotts."
Brass Monkey's pointy ears perked up. He and Hammerhand were amusing themselves by fashioning vaguely rude party favours from paperclips.
"New topic," Hooch announced. "Strangest place you ever fucked. I'll go first: the rose gardens at Malfoy Manor. Twice."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Rowing boat," Lavender offered.
"Broomstick," Vector announced.
Hermione, however, thought only of Severus smiling, talking about fucking on African beaches and murmuring Zanzibar in that voice that melted her insides.
She'd been shitty to him, she realised, a wave of remorse washing over her. He'd done something nice for her, and she'd ruined it.
She got up unsteadily. Hooch was singing bawdy ballads, wearing a Goblin-made paperclip tiara, and neither the cackling witches nor the Goblins took much note of Hermione excusing herself to bed.
She headed out the front doors instead.
Bugger tradition-she needed to see Severus tonight.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The house was dark and empty when Hermione Apparated in; Severus was probably off at his thrice-damned stag party, and where he went, the Centaurs followed.
No matter; she'd wait.
She padded to their room and sank down on the bed, breathing the familiar scent of Severus on the sheets: his soap, his sweat, his shampoo. Tomorrow she would marry him, and she would wake up to this smell and the man it represented for decades to come.
The wedding didn't really matter. The marriage did.
The most terrifying thing about the revelation was that it didn't terrify her.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione hugged Severus' pillow, wondering when he would return.
She wanted to apologise. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to shag him till he panted and babbled and came deliciously undone beneath her.
It momentarily occurred to her that she ought to notify Hammertoes and Monkey Arse of her whereabouts, but the bed felt far too exquisite at the moment for her to bother moving just yet.
She could tell them later.
That was her last thought before she drifted off, dreaming of Severus dressed in nothing but a smirk, glorious and waiting for her on the African shore.
Go on to Part 22