One whole year since I came back here. I started my job a year ago today. It certainly feels odd. Thinking back to last March, I mostly just feel like I want that happiness back. That pure joy that I had from changing my life in a wonderful way. That untethered feeling I had since I was no longer responsible for anyone ( Read more... )

Apparently the house I grew up in was demolished by the fires in Montecito. It's Thanksgiving tomorrow and I feel so lost. I've done badly this year. There's not much point in regretting it. It was easy to be numb for so long. It only got easier. Now everything is hard. And cold. Not much point in pity. If I don't start setting goals to get my life ( Read more... )

I have been homesick for a home I don't have, and it wrenches my heart. I feel so far away from everyone from my past, that I still love deeply. The future is scary and hopeful. I would like to concentrate more on the present. I feel like I am dwelling too much on things that don't matter at the moment. It's a distraction ( Read more... )

So, here we are. It's that time of year again, and I find myself so much more spirited about the holidays than I used to be. I have a few theories on that, but they aren't important at the moment. The important thing is that I am awake. Here are some of the things that are flitting carelessly thru my mind. The past. Family. Death. Nightmares. ( Read more... )

People say "People change" but people have no idea how much people change until they themselves have changed. One day they find themselves crying in aggrivation over missing 5 points on a quiz that won't even get close to bringing their A in the class down. They find themselves kept awake at night by thoughts of living room colour schemes. What ( Read more... )

Last.fm has been fun lately. I found a delicious beer tonight, and I am enjoying music and tipsyness. I miss my friends though, and as much as I wrap myself in a blanket and find tons of strangers online, peeking into them quietly - but leaving no trace, I can't turn back time. There's nothing to do about it ( Read more... )

The crushing weirdness of reading old entries. It's always the same. I bought wine and cookies instead of taking perscription drugs and this is a good thing. Today I succeeded at making it to work on time, yesterday not so good. I slept for hours. Couldn't see straight, or walk, or stand. Something was just too heavy. I had a dream that Sean ( Read more... )