Move along, nothing to see here
~.: I feel a real blow has been dealt to my feminine pride. Today, a creeping fear that has been growing inside me for the past month or so was finally confirmed. And I know I'm personalizing it more than I should be, but I can't help it, because it affects me directly.
~.: Now, before you all start thinking, "Andrea is about to start whining again about her douchebag boyfriend" it's nothing like that. We didn't fight or argue; he didn't tell me I need to do this thing or that thing; he didn't say I'm not enough of something or I'm too much of something. We were just talking. I asked him what his love language was, after explaining the five different ones, and he told me that he thinks touch is one of his, and that he's definitely an "affectionate" guy (I've noticed that affectionate for him is just his nice, pleasant way of saying he likes sex), moreso than I am. Laughingly, I dared to disagree, pointing out that I'm always the first to grab his hand or lean on his shoulder, or snuggle him. So then he went on to say that yeah, in the past month or two months he's definitely been not feeling it as much, mostly because of what's going on for him right now. Which is fine; stress can totally kill a person's sex drive. But then he had to go and bring up the drama that started all dramas: that night at Lion and Bull when I caused a scene with that girl dancing up on him. And he told me that it was a huge turn-off, that it reminded him of stuff his last girlfriend used to do all the time (and he went into some detail about it and I sort of wanna meet her and punch her in the face for being such a bitch D< ). So a combination of stress and that having happened has caused him to not wanna be "affectionate" with me anymore. He then felt it necessary to remind me how active his previous sex life had been, before he met me, which just added insult to injury.
~.: So needless to say, I feel rather undesirable. These stupid birth control pills are making me hormonal and practically sex-crazed, and I have no outlet because I'm a huge turn-off. And it's not even that (because that's selfish). All I can keep thinking is I turn him off. He's turned off by me. I remember when he used to tell me how much I turned him on. And it hurts also that, during the course of his telling me that he used to think of sex all the time, that it's also a little difficult for him basically because I'm inexperienced. And he said it as delicately as he could -- it's not like he set out to make me feel bad, and I commend him for that. He made sure to tell me several times that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings and that he didn't want this to have a negative impact on my self-esteem, and I know he really means that. I just ... feel really bad about myself now. Not only am I undesirable because something I did months ago reminded him of his crazy ex-girlfriend and apparently permanently turned him off to me, but I'm not very good at sex to begin with, so he doesn't even have incentive.
~.: And I don't want anyone who reads this to think he's a horrible person, because the conversation wasn't even supposed to be about me. I'm just that good at personalizing everything and making it about me and focusing on the things that suit my ego. But it doesn't help that I was afraid this was happening; I felt it. And I feel like this is a totally stupid thing to get upset about. Who cares? It's just sex. It's just hormones, there's more to life and relationships. And it's not even necessarily that it was such a huge part of our relationship that now things are vastly different. I wouldn't care if we never had sex again; I just want him to want me again. I mean, it's great that he still likes me for the rest of me (he said he still likes me and cares about me and has feelings for me). He just thinks I'm undesirable (well, he didn't say that, but he doesn't wanna have sex with me :|).
~.: Anyway, I had to get that out. Perhaps this is the completely wrong place for it, but otherwise it was gonna keep me up all night. It probably still will. I haven't had a good cry to sleep in a while.
~.: I just ... don't think I've felt undesirable before. Like, my self-esteem has been shot down to the gutter right now, and I don't think I've ever felt that way.
~.: See kids? This is why sex is bad. Don't have it. Ever.
~.: And I'd started to feel so good about myself too. I felt comfortable with his patience with me -- I didn't feel patronized or rushed. He never said anything to me. And maybe it's mostly the stress going on in his life right now, but I still can't help feeling like it's all my fault and everything about me just turns him off now. I hate this. I don't even think I could feel sexy in any of my sexy clothes now. I've worked so hard to love my body and all its flaws, and to be confident in my lack of experience. Now, I just feel second-rate, like I"m being compared to all his past partners, and like my past behavior was appalling enough and so like his ex's behavior that he doesn't wanna get near me. And I realize that most of this is dramatized in my head. I know it. But what I know and what I feel are at odds with one another, and since I'm a Cups girl ...
~.: This totally sucks. D:
~.: Now, before you all start thinking, "Andrea is about to start whining again about her douchebag boyfriend" it's nothing like that. We didn't fight or argue; he didn't tell me I need to do this thing or that thing; he didn't say I'm not enough of something or I'm too much of something. We were just talking. I asked him what his love language was, after explaining the five different ones, and he told me that he thinks touch is one of his, and that he's definitely an "affectionate" guy (I've noticed that affectionate for him is just his nice, pleasant way of saying he likes sex), moreso than I am. Laughingly, I dared to disagree, pointing out that I'm always the first to grab his hand or lean on his shoulder, or snuggle him. So then he went on to say that yeah, in the past month or two months he's definitely been not feeling it as much, mostly because of what's going on for him right now. Which is fine; stress can totally kill a person's sex drive. But then he had to go and bring up the drama that started all dramas: that night at Lion and Bull when I caused a scene with that girl dancing up on him. And he told me that it was a huge turn-off, that it reminded him of stuff his last girlfriend used to do all the time (and he went into some detail about it and I sort of wanna meet her and punch her in the face for being such a bitch D< ). So a combination of stress and that having happened has caused him to not wanna be "affectionate" with me anymore. He then felt it necessary to remind me how active his previous sex life had been, before he met me, which just added insult to injury.
~.: So needless to say, I feel rather undesirable. These stupid birth control pills are making me hormonal and practically sex-crazed, and I have no outlet because I'm a huge turn-off. And it's not even that (because that's selfish). All I can keep thinking is I turn him off. He's turned off by me. I remember when he used to tell me how much I turned him on. And it hurts also that, during the course of his telling me that he used to think of sex all the time, that it's also a little difficult for him basically because I'm inexperienced. And he said it as delicately as he could -- it's not like he set out to make me feel bad, and I commend him for that. He made sure to tell me several times that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings and that he didn't want this to have a negative impact on my self-esteem, and I know he really means that. I just ... feel really bad about myself now. Not only am I undesirable because something I did months ago reminded him of his crazy ex-girlfriend and apparently permanently turned him off to me, but I'm not very good at sex to begin with, so he doesn't even have incentive.
~.: And I don't want anyone who reads this to think he's a horrible person, because the conversation wasn't even supposed to be about me. I'm just that good at personalizing everything and making it about me and focusing on the things that suit my ego. But it doesn't help that I was afraid this was happening; I felt it. And I feel like this is a totally stupid thing to get upset about. Who cares? It's just sex. It's just hormones, there's more to life and relationships. And it's not even necessarily that it was such a huge part of our relationship that now things are vastly different. I wouldn't care if we never had sex again; I just want him to want me again. I mean, it's great that he still likes me for the rest of me (he said he still likes me and cares about me and has feelings for me). He just thinks I'm undesirable (well, he didn't say that, but he doesn't wanna have sex with me :|).
~.: Anyway, I had to get that out. Perhaps this is the completely wrong place for it, but otherwise it was gonna keep me up all night. It probably still will. I haven't had a good cry to sleep in a while.
~.: I just ... don't think I've felt undesirable before. Like, my self-esteem has been shot down to the gutter right now, and I don't think I've ever felt that way.
~.: See kids? This is why sex is bad. Don't have it. Ever.
~.: And I'd started to feel so good about myself too. I felt comfortable with his patience with me -- I didn't feel patronized or rushed. He never said anything to me. And maybe it's mostly the stress going on in his life right now, but I still can't help feeling like it's all my fault and everything about me just turns him off now. I hate this. I don't even think I could feel sexy in any of my sexy clothes now. I've worked so hard to love my body and all its flaws, and to be confident in my lack of experience. Now, I just feel second-rate, like I"m being compared to all his past partners, and like my past behavior was appalling enough and so like his ex's behavior that he doesn't wanna get near me. And I realize that most of this is dramatized in my head. I know it. But what I know and what I feel are at odds with one another, and since I'm a Cups girl ...
~.: This totally sucks. D: