(no subject)
Okay, I'm going to make a legitimate attempt at updating my LiveJournal on a regular basis, even though Mariah is gone.
I have to go register for school on Monday the 28th. My hands just started getting sweaty and my heart is pounding because I'm thinking about it. I don't even know why I'm so nervous. I've been back in school since February 2012, and both times I finished with the highest mark in my class (not that it means much - it's a high school class and it only had like, twenty students in it. Not a huge accomplishment). I guess it's because I'd already taken those classes, and now I have to take a class that I've never experienced before (either SCH4U, 12th grade university chemistry, or SBI4U, 12th grade university biology). I don't know. I promised myself that I would be less hard on myself if I managed to do well in this class, but I doubt that's going to go away any time soon. And it doesn't help that Brandon is being kind of a dick.
Ugh, Brandon. I can understand that he's depressed (and who wouldn't be? He's in prison, for God's sake), and he's naturally extremely moody to begin with, but I don't really feel like that's an excuse to take it out on me. A couple of days ago, we were talking on the phone and he suddenly just started tearing into me for no reason - insulting me, pointing out all of my flaws, reassuring me that I was correct about how terrible of a girlfriend I am. Though I'm not the kind of person who sits down and shuts up and takes it, there are times when, because of some childhood incidences, I kind of just shut down and am unable to respond when someone is raising their voice at me, or insulting me. He called me back for 45 minutes straight to yell at me in this manner until I finally worked up the courage to hang up and not answer when he called me back. Later that night, he called me at the regular time and talked to me as though nothing had happened, and was actually annoyed with me the next day when I was still too hurt to attempt to carry on a conversation with him. Even though this is not at all representative of how he normally treats me (which is generally very well), it still hurts a lot when he does say those things to me, because he knows all of the things he can say to hurt me. How selfish I am, how much of a failure I am, how I'm a terrible girlfriend and I hurt him all the time, and he wouldn't have any self-esteem issues if I would just compliment him as often as he compliments me, how I abandoned him when he went to prison. tl;dr, he's been increasingly depressed and hostile lately, and I'm not that sixteen year old girl anymore who's just going to sit there and take it and then go cut myself after because I believe I'm a terrible person and deserve pain. So I just stopped answering the phone, and even though I feel bad for not being there for him when he's depressed, I'm not going to sit here and let him snap at me or outright verbally abuse me because he's in a shitty mood. The one thing I've always said about mood disorders is that, even though I can't control how I feel, I can always control what I say to other people. Feeling like I want to kill myself for days or weeks at a time does not force me to call somebody and tell them that they're a piece of garbage (unless you have a psychotic mental illness, like bipolar I, or schizophrenia, or psychotic depression).
..I really miss Blue.
tl;dr I'm a whiny bitch.