an open letter to myself
when i let myself think about it, i'm always the most regretful about the fact that i don't write that much anymore. that's not entirely the truth, though, because i write all the time. to myself. in my head. little go you! letters or fuck you're an idiot memos, or oh my god if i only had the balls to say/do/try x, y and z...
and after today, a day that started off so well and only went downhill (because i let it), i feel like i deserve one of those letters written down. something i can come back to to remind myself that hey, you thought that because it's true, so quit forgetting it.
you do more than you let yourself take credit for. you do much more than other people give you credit for. you're not the smartest or the quickest or the most creative, but you have great work ethic. people tell you, "of course you'll be fine. you're you." but they only say that because they don't know. because you're so good at this juggling gig by now that it looks so easy from the outside. it has nothing to do with you, or who you are, this didn't just fall into your lap because the sum of your parts equal awesome.
you did this.
you make things happen. you figure out how hard you have to try, and then you try harder. and it feels like the hugest blow when people don't recognise that, when friends don't recognise that, but it doesn't matter. let them think it's easy. let them think you've got the biggest brain and some freaky superpower that just lets you do all these things while you keep up with the people and things you love. you know your priorities, and you make sure you hit all of them, no matter the cost to yourself because that's how you operate. it's worse knowing that something you want done isn't done than it is taking an exam on 2 hours of sleep or having to hang up early on someone you care about, or having to be nasty to a roommate who's taking advantage of you over, and over, and over, and doesn't seem to realise and/or give a damn. it's worse to have gone to bed for seven hours when you know all the tv you care about, that you want to watch, is sitting ignored in a folder on your computer while you have dreams that are never anywhere as good.
which no one is going to understand. (although really, if people can get as excited as they do over a fucking dog, that level of dedication to your tv should really be considered pedestrian.) they're going to assume you just wake up with knowledge bursting out of your ears, and spend the rest of your time watching tv, or calling your family on skype, or taking the time to send messages to your friends because you don't want to fall out of touch even though you're in a brand new place in a brand new world that constantly feels like it's spinning out from under you. some things are more important than finding your balance right away. you know what other people are like. you know how much they don't try. you know you have to be the one who goes that extra mile because everyone else thinks it's too much work. and then you have to suck it up when they don't recognise it as work, because oh my god you do it so effortlessly, like it costs you nothing, like you don't sit up till stupid o'clock every night struggling to manage all of that on top of getting your actual work done.
and you're happy to do it. you're not going to complain about it being hard. if you break out in hives from stress, it's just an uncomfortable day. you're not going to let that change your work ethic, or the way you get shit done. it's not the life most people choose, but it works for you. when you put in the extra hours, when you let yourself be the one who gives more and asks for less, you reap the benefits. you meet amazing people. you accomplish great things. you get shit done.
and that's not necessarily what other people set out to do. so of course other people aren't going to see it. they don't care the way you do. if they did, they wouldn't tell you "it's just you", because they'd all be doing the same thing. you're nothing special, but doing special things is your specialty. so keep doing that. there's a reason you know that you're going to go home to a loving family and friends, and that whatever career path you end up taking is going to pay off. you're going to make all of that happen, because you're not going to stop working until it does.
remember nothing's too difficult, because there's always something more you can do, always one step further you can go. you're a do-er. that's just how you're hardwired. and no matter what anyone else says, or how you let them make you feel, just think about all the other messages you don't agree with - e.g. that "you have to leave the nest to find yourself" bullshit - and how you let that confuse you, and shape you, and how it always ended up being that you knew you best, and you knew how to do you as long as no one else was involved. hold onto that.
and after today, a day that started off so well and only went downhill (because i let it), i feel like i deserve one of those letters written down. something i can come back to to remind myself that hey, you thought that because it's true, so quit forgetting it.
you do more than you let yourself take credit for. you do much more than other people give you credit for. you're not the smartest or the quickest or the most creative, but you have great work ethic. people tell you, "of course you'll be fine. you're you." but they only say that because they don't know. because you're so good at this juggling gig by now that it looks so easy from the outside. it has nothing to do with you, or who you are, this didn't just fall into your lap because the sum of your parts equal awesome.
you did this.
you make things happen. you figure out how hard you have to try, and then you try harder. and it feels like the hugest blow when people don't recognise that, when friends don't recognise that, but it doesn't matter. let them think it's easy. let them think you've got the biggest brain and some freaky superpower that just lets you do all these things while you keep up with the people and things you love. you know your priorities, and you make sure you hit all of them, no matter the cost to yourself because that's how you operate. it's worse knowing that something you want done isn't done than it is taking an exam on 2 hours of sleep or having to hang up early on someone you care about, or having to be nasty to a roommate who's taking advantage of you over, and over, and over, and doesn't seem to realise and/or give a damn. it's worse to have gone to bed for seven hours when you know all the tv you care about, that you want to watch, is sitting ignored in a folder on your computer while you have dreams that are never anywhere as good.
which no one is going to understand. (although really, if people can get as excited as they do over a fucking dog, that level of dedication to your tv should really be considered pedestrian.) they're going to assume you just wake up with knowledge bursting out of your ears, and spend the rest of your time watching tv, or calling your family on skype, or taking the time to send messages to your friends because you don't want to fall out of touch even though you're in a brand new place in a brand new world that constantly feels like it's spinning out from under you. some things are more important than finding your balance right away. you know what other people are like. you know how much they don't try. you know you have to be the one who goes that extra mile because everyone else thinks it's too much work. and then you have to suck it up when they don't recognise it as work, because oh my god you do it so effortlessly, like it costs you nothing, like you don't sit up till stupid o'clock every night struggling to manage all of that on top of getting your actual work done.
and you're happy to do it. you're not going to complain about it being hard. if you break out in hives from stress, it's just an uncomfortable day. you're not going to let that change your work ethic, or the way you get shit done. it's not the life most people choose, but it works for you. when you put in the extra hours, when you let yourself be the one who gives more and asks for less, you reap the benefits. you meet amazing people. you accomplish great things. you get shit done.
and that's not necessarily what other people set out to do. so of course other people aren't going to see it. they don't care the way you do. if they did, they wouldn't tell you "it's just you", because they'd all be doing the same thing. you're nothing special, but doing special things is your specialty. so keep doing that. there's a reason you know that you're going to go home to a loving family and friends, and that whatever career path you end up taking is going to pay off. you're going to make all of that happen, because you're not going to stop working until it does.
remember nothing's too difficult, because there's always something more you can do, always one step further you can go. you're a do-er. that's just how you're hardwired. and no matter what anyone else says, or how you let them make you feel, just think about all the other messages you don't agree with - e.g. that "you have to leave the nest to find yourself" bullshit - and how you let that confuse you, and shape you, and how it always ended up being that you knew you best, and you knew how to do you as long as no one else was involved. hold onto that.