sooo i went and talked w. my dad yesterday.  he has apparently asked rhonda for his ring back and called off their engagment. hahaha!! i asked him why and he said because he could.  and i then asked him why he even asked her to marry him in the first place and he shrugged and said something to do i guess.  he seemed very annoyed w. her. she had all ( Read more... )

so.... no go on the pregnancy thing.  i took a test last night. i knew i wouldn't be.  just to be on the safe side when i go for routine blood tests this week I'm going to have my dr. add a blood pregnancy test in w the 20 others they will draw.  the store bought are not always that reliable w and adding to the mix all the meds I take  that could ( Read more... )

I haven't posted in sooo long. and i think it's cause a lot of what i'm feeling i don't want to say out loud.  saying things out loud makes them more real, more official. 
so first off... i'm v. concerned i might be pregnant.  i know, it's pretty much an impossibility.  seeing as i've spent my entire sexual life from far too early of an age not NOT ( Read more... )

i don't think things are going to go well for v. long w. these lungs.  just a feeling i have.  i think it's a short amount of time i'm going to have w. them. 

i can't sleep. and j hasn't had his meds in like 3 days so he's doing that kicking thing and  it's driving me insane!  ugh ( Read more... )

i am sad today.  there are certain people i thought i'd be sharing this time of my life w. right  now.  and i keep thinking of them and i don't want to be. they won't leave my dreams alone and i have my imaginary one sided conversations w. them.  i wonder if they think about me at all.  and it kinda makes me mad too cause i am happy w. where my ( Read more... )

I am not going to lie. The entire thing terrified me. It still does.  I question moment to moment if I've done the right thing.
Even as they were wheeling me down the hall and prepping me in surgery I just kept thinking this has got to the be the stupidest thing I have ever done.  I am not worthy of this.  I'm not important enough or good enough.  ( Read more... )

i'm up late tonight.  i prolly could go to sleep. i just have too much on my mind.  but my body is wore out and tired.  i can't breathe.  such a simple every day thing and i can't accomplish it.  i just feel like i can't go on much longer w. this.  i can't feel like i can't make it or sorry for myself. because if i let the dark in i fall deeper and ( Read more... )

i am scared.  and i am unsure.  three of my friends have cried, concerned for me and my being sick. they ask me and they struggle... what will they do if i die.  they tell me they love me and their are sorry but they are scared and they worry and just can't lose me.  and i'm so torn.  i love my true friends w. everything i have.  and i hate to ( Read more... )

today was not a v. good day.  sometimes i feel like awkward w. myself.  i get annoyed so much easier and i can't get anything correct.  i run into shit and trip more.  i feel inconsequential.  i rlly can't stand feeling like that.  i don't get why people say they love me and want me and then just no longer do.