(no subject)

[em_ilye]

i am scared.  and i am unsure.  three of my friends have cried, concerned for me and my being sick. they ask me and they struggle... what will they do if i die.  they tell me they love me and their are sorry but they are scared and they worry and just can't lose me.  and i'm so torn.  i love my true friends w. everything i have.  and i hate to think something i could do would cause them any pain.  i know that if anyone has a friend and that friend dies they will be sad but these people are knowingly entering into a close relationship w. me.  i've faced it for a long time, i will die from my cf.  i've had to deal w. that every day of my life and continue living anyway.  i hate to ask anyone else to love me and care about me and go into that accepting i will leave them earlier then normal.  i feel awful.  i can't make them feel any better.  and i can't make it ok.  should i just not create close bonds w. anyone??  should i stay closed off and not let anyone really in??  but i honestly believe all your have is your relationships and memories you create.  if i don't have these people who love me and will remember me, then i might as well have never been.

and i'm just so scared because lately i'm so tired of the struggle.  it's getting harder and harder and now having more people caring about me it makes me fight but it also is a huge weight on my heart.  i don't know how to fix it and make it ok for them.  cause it's not ok for me, so how will it be for them?  i can't let anyone else know how hard it is or that i'm scared.  i'm always the strong one, the one w. the smile.  w. an, it is what is it attitude.   if they can't look to me for reassurance then where do they look. i just really love and i'm scared i'm asking too much of these people. of anyone. but i need love too.