(no subject)
Worried that I'm off on a downhill slope again. And I don't know how to fix my man either. He managed to crash his car (I FUCKING FREAKED when he first told me but it wasn't bad and he wasn't hurt) so that's obviously made him depressed. But thing is, today till Saturday he's off on holiday to Cornwall, which I really thought would be his saving grace. But I don't think he was even looking forward to that when I spoke to him yesterday.
Have offered to take him dinner on Sunday when he gets back, which he sort of luke-warm appreciated and said, "Can you afford this, Bumble?" and honestly, no I can't but I didn't say that, I just said, "If I have to spend money, I'm quite happy to spend it on you." Which is also true. But it's bullshit that I can make him happy by just hanging round him as myself though I know he'd deny it. It's depressing that a) the only way I can make my parents happy with me is to tidy up or do a chore and b) I feel the same way about Alex.
I really don't like myself very much. Not exactly anorexia voices, but it's that kind of thing. Feeling so inferior to everyone around me. And wish I could tell my Man but it's really not that kind of relationship I've found.
Advice: I really really want to ask him a question. I would phrase this question so: "Alex, I know this is a shitty thing to ask, but it's been one of those weeks and just not liking myself very much at the moment...but could you tell me why you like me? I promise this is not a right or wrong question, it's just to give me a bit of peace of mind." Is this too shitty to ask? Or do you think it's worth a shot?
Got list of everyone in my RADA year. First surprise, there's only 28 of us instead of the usual 34. So the stakes were even higher, which is interesting. We also have a hilarious "buddy" system, with a buddy in the second and third year to look after us during our time there. Mine actually texted me saying essentially, "Hi, feel free to come to me whenever you need help" and I wrote back saying, "Hey, thanks! I'm scared but excited etc" and she said, v reassuringly, "It will be everything you've ever dreamed of and more." That's exactly what I wanted to hear.
Have offered to take him dinner on Sunday when he gets back, which he sort of luke-warm appreciated and said, "Can you afford this, Bumble?" and honestly, no I can't but I didn't say that, I just said, "If I have to spend money, I'm quite happy to spend it on you." Which is also true. But it's bullshit that I can make him happy by just hanging round him as myself though I know he'd deny it. It's depressing that a) the only way I can make my parents happy with me is to tidy up or do a chore and b) I feel the same way about Alex.
I really don't like myself very much. Not exactly anorexia voices, but it's that kind of thing. Feeling so inferior to everyone around me. And wish I could tell my Man but it's really not that kind of relationship I've found.
Advice: I really really want to ask him a question. I would phrase this question so: "Alex, I know this is a shitty thing to ask, but it's been one of those weeks and just not liking myself very much at the moment...but could you tell me why you like me? I promise this is not a right or wrong question, it's just to give me a bit of peace of mind." Is this too shitty to ask? Or do you think it's worth a shot?
Got list of everyone in my RADA year. First surprise, there's only 28 of us instead of the usual 34. So the stakes were even higher, which is interesting. We also have a hilarious "buddy" system, with a buddy in the second and third year to look after us during our time there. Mine actually texted me saying essentially, "Hi, feel free to come to me whenever you need help" and I wrote back saying, "Hey, thanks! I'm scared but excited etc" and she said, v reassuringly, "It will be everything you've ever dreamed of and more." That's exactly what I wanted to hear.