Comments | dreams_power: The Winged Ones 2.5

dreams_power

The Winged Ones 2.5

Sep 18, 2006 20:05

This is the more updated version of the Winged Ones. I cut things out of the beginning and tweaked things throughout the text. I'm just debating on whether I want to add a scene or whether it'd break the mood. That and I'm still itching to tweak it more. I don't have much practice seriously editing my own stuff (like if I'm making it worse) so I'm ( Read more... )

between 3500 and 4000 words, winged ones, short story

Comments 14

michael_collins December 9 2006, 07:04:40 UTC

Man, that was awesome.

One thing, you might want to hint about the conflict before going into the geography and everything, as it's like "Why am I reading this?" without some reference to its meaning in the story...it makes sense later but the reader needs a carrot to get him there. XD

"The scent of fine food filled the air, exotic spices that made one’s head spin, fresh bread soothed it, and new meals that the chefs of Corte invented on a regular basis made many stomachs rumble for attention." I get what you're trying to do here, but it's a bit too weird grammatically, even for me. Particularly the switch at the part "fresh bread" and then again "and new meals," the structure of the sentence changes like three times. Shite like this is really hard to fix editing because you have to rewrite it all without losing the original meaning -_-

"Death used his sire’s face to look at him." That is so fucking badass. I love it

The ending is similarly badass. So, rock on. Hehe.

dreams_power December 9 2006, 15:52:57 UTC

It's my baby. Still needs work (the intro's a bitch to edit really), but I love it anyway.

Is it unnerving that I actually think like that? Which is why editing's such a bitch sometimes...

Thanks for the comment!

Critique, part 1 arkan2 February 8 2007, 20:56:12 UTC

Wow, what’s it been? Three months? Sorry, I try to be as thorough as possible, and that slows my work to a crawl. But I finally got it. There at the end of your post, you were saying that the story is a little bleak. It was in the same paragraph that you talked about putting an index in your user info, and I thought you were saying that the user info is bleak. You had my confused with that for a while, but I’ve got it now ( ... )

arkan2 February 8 2007, 21:01:39 UTC

“ To the North were seven mountains, each bearing the name of a god. Of these, Triumphus was the youngest, its great cliffs sharp and devastating to the unwary. ” (There’s no problem here, except that you use “devastating” and “devastation” in the next paragraph. You should at least cut one of those from that paragraph, but I would advise that you consider reducing it to just one “devastating” or “devastation” for both paragraphs together, instead of one for each paragraph ( ... )

arkan2 February 8 2007, 21:02:51 UTC

“ It was not the first or the last time the Deliverer heard her sing; but it would always be the one she remembered. ” (For some reason, the word “one” does immediately recall “time” when I read this. I have to stop and think about it before I remember that this means “it would always be the time she remembered” and that breaks the flow. I couldn’t tell you why, but I think there’s a definite problem here ( ... )

arkan2 February 8 2007, 21:07:01 UTC

“ The child became an idol among the youth, possessing striking black hair, sharp black eyes(,) and a laugh that cheered one’s heart. ” (Here’s another ill-used -ing word. Grammatically “possessing” should refer to “the youth” which comes right before it, and is plural in this case. Also, it reads awkward. I would substitute “(with his) striking black hair ( ... )