The Winged Ones 2.5

[dreams_power]

This is the more updated version of the Winged Ones. I cut things out of the beginning and tweaked things throughout the text. I'm just debating on whether I want to add a scene or whether it'd break the mood. That and I'm still itching to tweak it more. I don't have much practice seriously editing my own stuff (like if I'm making it worse) so I'm

Comments

[arkan2]

“ It was not the first or the last time the Deliverer heard her sing; but it would always be the one she remembered. ” (For some reason, the word “one” does immediately recall “time” when I read this. I have to stop and think about it before I remember that this means “it would always be the time she remembered” and that breaks the flow. I couldn’t tell you why, but I think there’s a definite problem here.)

“ The populace called her the High Singer, bringer of good times and joy. Of course, a priestess of Professio held the official title(,) but Aurel held the hearts of the people. ”

“ Most Winged Ones had tints at the ends of their feathers, an undesired trait that started with the mating of One With Fur and a Winged One. ” (This is could lead to confusion. Does the tinting at the ends of the Winged One’s feathers start when that specific Winged One mates with One With Fur, or are most Winged Ones descended from a mating between a Winged One and One With Fur? The wording here is unclear.)

“ His wings were actually the convincing factor in his elevation to High Defender (second only to the High Priest in terms of power) by the population. ” (The subject of the first few sentences in this paragraph was “the father”, but in the last sentence, you switched subjects to “Most Winged Ones”. If you’re going to switch the subject back to “the father” in this sentence, you have to spell it out, not just go from “Most Winged Ones” to “His”. Also, “(the father’s) wings were the (deciding) factor in his elevation”, not “the convincing factor”.)

“ It climbed through the air like a possessed thing, clawing through to reach the sun. ” (You used “through” here twice, it might be worth seeing if you can reword the sentence.)

“ For the first time in two thousand years it managed, making all sunlight take on a reddish tinge. ” (“Managed” is a word that requires you explain what was “managed” after the word, not before. You would say “s/he tried something, and managed to do it,” not “s/he tried to do something, and managed”. Of course, saying “it managed (it)” would not be much better. I would replace “managed” with “succeeded”. Also, I think you can do better than “making all sunlight take on a reddish tinge”. You could say “(and the) sunlight (took) on a reddish tinge” or you might make a new sentence saying something like “Filtered through the sand, the sunlight took on an unnaturally reddish tinge”. I’m sure you could word it much better than that, in fact, but I think you get the idea.)

“ In that supernatural light, the High Protector’s pure (white) wings took on the colour of blood, and his son’s dark eyes reflected nothing. ” (I’m not sure what to make of “reflected nothing”. I guess what you mean is that it looks like there’s nothing behind the eyes-i.e. no soul or the like-but you really have to spell that out a bit more.)