The Winged Ones 2.5

[dreams_power]

This is the more updated version of the Winged Ones. I cut things out of the beginning and tweaked things throughout the text. I'm just debating on whether I want to add a scene or whether it'd break the mood. That and I'm still itching to tweak it more. I don't have much practice seriously editing my own stuff (like if I'm making it worse) so I'm

Comments

[arkan2]

“ To the North were seven mountains, each bearing the name of a god. Of these, Triumphus was the youngest, its great cliffs sharp and devastating to the unwary. ” (There’s no problem here, except that you use “devastating” and “devastation” in the next paragraph. You should at least cut one of those from that paragraph, but I would advise that you consider reducing it to just one “devastating” or “devastation” for both paragraphs together, instead of one for each paragraph.)

“ In addition to being a source of the Great River, the gently sloped mountain contained a significant amount of the beautiful white stone that composed their houses. ” (This may not be worth worrying about, but when I read “composed” I think of the act of putting something together, rather than what something is composed of. Possibly you were trying not to end the sentence with an “of” as in “white stone that their houses were composed of”, but that way would be more readable.)

“ A long time ago, Nex was its identical twin; but now it was stunted and dark, as if its formerly beautiful landscape had been twisted in a great disaster. ” (“but now it was stunted and dark ” again, I’m not saying this is necessarily a problem, but I’m not sure which mountain “it” refers to there. I assume from the context that “it” is Nex, but the wording is open to interpretation, so “it” very well might be Lux.)

“ To the south were into the Lower Lands, a place where Those With Fur muddled about their mundane lives. ” (I assume this is just a simple mistake, but I will point out that the word “into” in this sentence is totally superfluous and cramps readability.)

“ The dunes of red sand seemed to change all the time(,) and the Winged Ones could never see anything green in the vastness that was the Western Desert. ”

“ The Deliverer seemed to be stunned as she beheld the baby’s black hair(,) something unseen in the Winged One’s population. ” (Since the rest of this paragraph is written from the Deliverer’s point of view I think it would be safe to say “The Deliverer (was) stunned” rather than “(seemed to be) stunned”. If for some reason you don’t want this sentence to be from the Deliverer’s point of view, I think you should A: make it into a separate paragraph from the sentence that is her point of view, and B: say “The Deliverer (looked) stunned”, or something to that effect. You can definitely do better than “seemed to be” in any case.)

“ The Deliverer felt something rub against her soul, a pressure that remained unexplained for years afterwards, and delivered the cleaned baby to his parents. ” (does this pressure ever get explained? If so, I must have missed it. Anyway, that’s not important. Under normal circumstances, I would say that “a pressure that remained unexplained for years afterwards” required a pair of framing em dashes. In this case, however, I think something a little more drastic is called for. A sentence that wanders into the future and then yanks us back into the present is jarring and awkward. You need to have the Deliverer present the baby, and then afterward think back to the sensation she felt, possibly in two separate sentences.)

“ The mother was the fairest Winged One in the capital, her long hair framing haughty facial features. ” (Okay, I know you’re trying for a fancy, poetic style, but you pushed it too far with “facial features”. Plus, you use the exact same words in the next paragraph, describing the father. I would cut it down to “features” in one case, probably in the paragraph about the father, and think of something else to describe the mother.)

“ Sapphire blue eyes grew a little warmer as she looked at her offspring, and a small smile hovered on the edge of existence. ” (“a small smile hovered on the edge of existence”? So a small smile is almost real, but not quite? You pushed it too far again here, you need to do some serious rewording. Also, you appear to mean that she’s almost smiling a small smile. She’s just become a mother, why is she almost smiling instead of smiling outright. Heck, forget smiling, why isn’t she beaming?)