The Winged Ones 2.5

[dreams_power]

This is the more updated version of the Winged Ones. I cut things out of the beginning and tweaked things throughout the text. I'm just debating on whether I want to add a scene or whether it'd break the mood. That and I'm still itching to tweak it more. I don't have much practice seriously editing my own stuff (like if I'm making it worse) so I'm

Comments

Critique, part 1

[arkan2]

Wow, what’s it been? Three months? Sorry, I try to be as thorough as possible, and that slows my work to a crawl. But I finally got it. There at the end of your post, you were saying that the story is a little bleak. It was in the same paragraph that you talked about putting an index in your user info, and I thought you were saying that the user info is bleak. You had my confused with that for a while, but I’ve got it now.

Anyway, here’s my thoughts on the story. I realize they’re rather long-winded, but that’s only because I do my best to be thorough. Looks I’m going to have to resort to multiple posts to get it all in. Still, that’s business as usual.

Excerpts from the text are contained in quotation marks, and I use double quotes for dialogue. My suggestions for additions or changes are in parentheses, as are my other thoughts. I’m sure I over-explained most of it, but I figure that’s better than offering too little explanation. What can I say, I’m still working this critiquing stuff out.

Keep in mind that this is all (or mostly) just my opinion, and that I am far from infallible. My suggestions are just that, suggestions, nothing more. All I ask is that you consider what I have to say.

I have a few general notes before we get down to specifics. First, I’ve marked down several places where by rights there should be a comma. I hope that once you read them, you’ll understand why I put the commas there.

Second, when reading your description of Addo Verum, at the beginning of the second scene, the words “Mary-Sue” bounce around in my brain. He’s a bit too perfect, it seems to me. You might want to work on that.

Third, you seem over-fond of words ending in “-ing”. You use them in several places where they are awkward or inappropriate, many of which I have marked down. This point may tie in with the next.

Fourth, there are several points where it seems to me that your prose ventures dangerously into the violet zone. I guess you’re going for fancy, but I strongly advise that you be a little more careful. I have marked some examples below.

Fifth, there are other points where the style just feels kinda bland. There are some events that seem to merit a bit of description that you present in such an offhand manner. Again, I’ll point out one or two examples when they crop up.

And now for the specifics:

“ The Winged Ones lived a long time ago(,) in a place called Altus Terra(,) where houses rose above the lolling hills like lofty lords, arrogantly stretching upwards in an attempt to catch the stars. ”

“ Topping the mightiest of the houses were spires, with bright banners embroidered with family crests billowing out like giant flags, snaring people’s attention almost immediately. ” (I think this whole sentence could do with some major changes. I would suggest something more along these lines: )

“ Topping the mightiest of the houses were (great) spires. Bright banners embroidered with family crests (billowed) out (from the spires) like giant flags. ”

(You might even change the first part even further to eliminate another “-ing” word: )

“ The mightiest houses were (topped by great) spires. ”

(I eliminated the “ snaring people’s attention almost immediately ” line because it does not appear to be necessary, it looks really weird, and I can’t see how I would make it work.)

“ The scent of fine food filled the air, exotic spices that made one’s head spin, fresh bread soothed it, ” (I agree with Michael Collins. “fresh bread soothed” what? “Soothed” one? Or “one’s head”? It’s hard to figure out exactly what you’re referring to, here.)

“ Tales and song(s) filled the air in a harmony achieved nowhere else(,) for the Winged Ones took pride in everything from the traditional hymns to an unconventional jig. ”