my avoidance of timelines
every so often i create a timeline of pictures, showing the progression of my transition. i think i've only ever posted one, and only in a discussion space with other trans people. so i have a few by now, but.. i've always felt weird about them.
there's an obvious explanation here: my timeline pictures make me uncomfortable, not because they don't show how far i've come (they are actually quite amazing at that), but i think because i no longer understand who the person is in the early pictures. i know that person was me - but it was the version of me that i felt safe showing to the world. sometimes.
but there's also a less-than-obvious explanation as well: i very recently realized that they were incomplete. there's plenty of pre-transition pictures of me on facebook, and while i don't feel particularly connected to them, i also didn't take them - they're the background noise of living in a highly photographed society. but selfies..? i'm sure i probably have a handful on my network drive somewhere, but i'd have to dig. almost every pre-transition selfie i could find had someone else in them.. they weren't just pictures of me. all of my pre-transition selfies of just-me are.. pictures of my shadow. or pictures of my reflection heavily distorted by a curved or textured surface. or image processed into near oblivion.
it makes me sad to think how much i hated and was ashamed of my own reflection.
so now.. as we wrap up 2023, i added the missing piece and created a new timeline. it still feels strange, but also more *whole* in a way.
02/2013 - ten years pre-transition; reflected in a metallic textured vase in a hotel in las vegas.
04/2020 - two years pre-transition, but an actual selfie wherein i'm showing off "how well i'm weathering the pandemic" by working on my laptop out in the backyard. sarcastic-LOL
05/2022 - two months after starting HRT, i'm on vacation in hawaii and trying to figure out how my new identity fits me. i don't remember if i'd even decided on my new name yet.
01/2023 - ten months on HRT; i've completely come out to my parents, at work, online.. everywhere. i'd already scheduled my FFS (facial feminization surgery), it was still about a month and a half away. my dad passed this month, before seeing my "final form", but i found out a few months later that he spent his last few months bragging about how gorgeous his daughter was becoming. thinking about it still brings tears to my eyes.
07/2023 - when the swelling had gone down enough that i felt ok to start sending (very few!) people post-op pictures, my sister said "oh, there she is! it's like there was some dissonance in every previous picture that i had never noticed until it was gone". this image is four and a half months after my FFS, any remaining swelling was unnoticeable to anyone but me and my surgeon. by this time, i've settled into my new face, new glasses, new makeup routines, new hair, new styles.. i feel like.. me.
12/2023 - yesterday. i feel.. pretty, sometimes, even beautiful. this is quite possibly the best mental health i've ever had.. i'm confident in who i am, i'm definitely the happiest i've ever been. i still have bad days, and dysphoria is brutal, but i have a community around me to help, and be a part of.
this progression of images.. my comfort in my own skin and sense of style is so increasingly apparent. each one looks happier than the last. each one looks more at ease than the last.
and so, in just under three months, on the second anniversary of my being on HRT, and the one-year anniversary of my FFS, i will go in for my bottom surgery. after consulting with multiple surgical teams, i picked the one i wanted - that i thought would produce the best outcome for me. i went through over a year of painful and exhausting hair removal. and now i'm ready.
i'm ready for the next picture to be: my face and my body both reflecting the truth that i've always known. this won't be a magic bullet that will solve all of my problems, but it is the next step to being able to meet challenges as a more complete person.
there's an obvious explanation here: my timeline pictures make me uncomfortable, not because they don't show how far i've come (they are actually quite amazing at that), but i think because i no longer understand who the person is in the early pictures. i know that person was me - but it was the version of me that i felt safe showing to the world. sometimes.
but there's also a less-than-obvious explanation as well: i very recently realized that they were incomplete. there's plenty of pre-transition pictures of me on facebook, and while i don't feel particularly connected to them, i also didn't take them - they're the background noise of living in a highly photographed society. but selfies..? i'm sure i probably have a handful on my network drive somewhere, but i'd have to dig. almost every pre-transition selfie i could find had someone else in them.. they weren't just pictures of me. all of my pre-transition selfies of just-me are.. pictures of my shadow. or pictures of my reflection heavily distorted by a curved or textured surface. or image processed into near oblivion.
it makes me sad to think how much i hated and was ashamed of my own reflection.
so now.. as we wrap up 2023, i added the missing piece and created a new timeline. it still feels strange, but also more *whole* in a way.
02/2013 - ten years pre-transition; reflected in a metallic textured vase in a hotel in las vegas.
04/2020 - two years pre-transition, but an actual selfie wherein i'm showing off "how well i'm weathering the pandemic" by working on my laptop out in the backyard. sarcastic-LOL
05/2022 - two months after starting HRT, i'm on vacation in hawaii and trying to figure out how my new identity fits me. i don't remember if i'd even decided on my new name yet.
01/2023 - ten months on HRT; i've completely come out to my parents, at work, online.. everywhere. i'd already scheduled my FFS (facial feminization surgery), it was still about a month and a half away. my dad passed this month, before seeing my "final form", but i found out a few months later that he spent his last few months bragging about how gorgeous his daughter was becoming. thinking about it still brings tears to my eyes.
07/2023 - when the swelling had gone down enough that i felt ok to start sending (very few!) people post-op pictures, my sister said "oh, there she is! it's like there was some dissonance in every previous picture that i had never noticed until it was gone". this image is four and a half months after my FFS, any remaining swelling was unnoticeable to anyone but me and my surgeon. by this time, i've settled into my new face, new glasses, new makeup routines, new hair, new styles.. i feel like.. me.
12/2023 - yesterday. i feel.. pretty, sometimes, even beautiful. this is quite possibly the best mental health i've ever had.. i'm confident in who i am, i'm definitely the happiest i've ever been. i still have bad days, and dysphoria is brutal, but i have a community around me to help, and be a part of.
this progression of images.. my comfort in my own skin and sense of style is so increasingly apparent. each one looks happier than the last. each one looks more at ease than the last.
and so, in just under three months, on the second anniversary of my being on HRT, and the one-year anniversary of my FFS, i will go in for my bottom surgery. after consulting with multiple surgical teams, i picked the one i wanted - that i thought would produce the best outcome for me. i went through over a year of painful and exhausting hair removal. and now i'm ready.
i'm ready for the next picture to be: my face and my body both reflecting the truth that i've always known. this won't be a magic bullet that will solve all of my problems, but it is the next step to being able to meet challenges as a more complete person.