(no subject)
There's a fearsome ease in the way years can slip past when you're not paying attention.
It's not so much that the time has passed - I know that, and it's been a damn long time. But the actual numbers of how many years, when I'm confronted with actual numbers, they scare the hell out of me. I know I'm supposed to be easier with myself, to not be impatient with how long some of this has taken - but sometimes it really, really frightens me. I dislike fear more than a lot of things in my life.
Holy hell, I hate the way it hurts sometimes. The way I just coast through whole months of time without breaking the surface, or at least that's how it feels - it's not normal. No, I understand that I'm not normal, believe me. But this is just not good. Well, at least I can note the facts and move on with things, trying not to let them rattle me as much as this just did.
All that said, it's about damn time I'm moving on with some of these things. It's something I really need and I feel like I'm finally awake again. Yes, I realize that's part of why it's all so scary, too, but I'm trying to move as fast as I can without falling and breaking again.
It's not so much that the time has passed - I know that, and it's been a damn long time. But the actual numbers of how many years, when I'm confronted with actual numbers, they scare the hell out of me. I know I'm supposed to be easier with myself, to not be impatient with how long some of this has taken - but sometimes it really, really frightens me. I dislike fear more than a lot of things in my life.
Holy hell, I hate the way it hurts sometimes. The way I just coast through whole months of time without breaking the surface, or at least that's how it feels - it's not normal. No, I understand that I'm not normal, believe me. But this is just not good. Well, at least I can note the facts and move on with things, trying not to let them rattle me as much as this just did.
All that said, it's about damn time I'm moving on with some of these things. It's something I really need and I feel like I'm finally awake again. Yes, I realize that's part of why it's all so scary, too, but I'm trying to move as fast as I can without falling and breaking again.