my day
My yoga class went fine. Or great, I don't really know. Anyone who knows me or has read my LJ for any length of time is probably aware of the fact that I have some serious self-esteem issues coupled with social anxieties and awkwardness that make shit really hard to deal with. Well, today, I had this fucking tidal wave of positive reinforcement and response and I just really don't know how to deal with it. After I gave my class, everyone gave feedback and it was great. Of course I made mistakes but everyone had such beautiful things to say about me. I was so nervous and had to improvise the crap out of things. Presence, beautiful tone of voice, helpful, etc. Spanish! In fucking Spanish!
I made some raw persimmon granola to take to the breakfast and just like the raw tangerine cake truffles coated in chocolate I made yesterday I got genuine interest, praise, request for recipes and every single freaking person has asked me to give a workshop.
I just feel now going over nice things the women said about me that they were all of course lying, just to be polite on both counts- my yoga teaching abilities and my raw food skills AND that at some point it will of course be brought to my attention just how shit I really am. How stupid I am, how unclean I am, how ugly I am, how horrible my Spanish is, just what a fucking gross and despicable creature I am. Not even human. It really pains me to look at the shit I just wrote about myself. I guess really, that is why I am doing the teacher training anyway. To recognize these thoughts for what they are and to let them go now.
I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am blissful.
I made some raw persimmon granola to take to the breakfast and just like the raw tangerine cake truffles coated in chocolate I made yesterday I got genuine interest, praise, request for recipes and every single freaking person has asked me to give a workshop.
I just feel now going over nice things the women said about me that they were all of course lying, just to be polite on both counts- my yoga teaching abilities and my raw food skills AND that at some point it will of course be brought to my attention just how shit I really am. How stupid I am, how unclean I am, how ugly I am, how horrible my Spanish is, just what a fucking gross and despicable creature I am. Not even human. It really pains me to look at the shit I just wrote about myself. I guess really, that is why I am doing the teacher training anyway. To recognize these thoughts for what they are and to let them go now.
I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am blissful.