Jack the Bookseller (BOY TALK -- SKIP IF UNINTERESTED)

[dianora]

I must have terrible boy karma by now. A couple hours ago I was at Shakespeare & Company buying all sorts of books by Henry James and George Eliot and E. M. Forster for class and I had to ask for help finding a particular edition. This guy who worked there - really nice, helpful - didn't find it in the database but helped me find the $2 Dover Thrift version instead, after much searching and pondering. When I was finally buying my stuff he mentioned, very casually and unawkwardly, that he and the other "misfits who work here" (affectionately) were going out to a bar after their shift ended and I was welcome to join them if I liked. He wrote his name and the address of the bar on my receipt. It was completely normal, not weird or ridiculous at all. It's one thing when a guy comes up to you while you're standing on the street and asks if you're waiting for your boyfriend, then if you have a boyfriend, then, when you lie and say yes, how long you've been dating, then when you lie and say a month says that's not very long at all and it can't be very serious, so how about we hang out later? But nice, friendly guys who work in bookstores (the bookstore I've always pictured myself working at for at little while, though I've never looked into it) are the type that you don't want to reject. At least, I don't. He said I could drop by at midnight if I had the chance, and I just sort of said thank you and didn't really accept or decline, but I'm not going to a bar with random strangers, right? I'm not even 21, so it's not like there would be much for me to do there, and I've never been to a bar at night before and would probably feel very uncomfortable. Except that the people who worked at the bookstore all seemed really cool, and it might be fun to hang out with them. But I don't think I should go, because that would be reckless and spontaneous, and my dad would want to know where I was going. So now I feel bad, because what if the bookstore guy keeps wondering whether I'll come or not? What if it's humiliating to him that he invited a girl who didn't show up?

Dude, he probably doesn't even care. He's not in love with me. My problem is that I am a little too careless of guys in the moment and then later I worry about it needlessly, thinking I've treated them badly or something. I think I assume all other people dwell on things as much as I do, fall as hard as I do, and feel as painfully humiliated by rejection as I do. That's probably not true. I guess I don't really know yet, and we'll have to wait and see.

Also, not that taking him up on the invitation would have led to anything further, but I don't think I'd be ready to try and start a relationship in a big city away from the shelter of school.* I know it sounds strange that the locale should make such a difference, but I feel much younger when I'm at home than I do at college, and it's much easier to get lost here. I like my Swat bubble, thanks very much.

* Naturally Florence, considered one of the most romantic cities in the world, is exempt from this statement. kidding! mostly. ;)