Grief
What is grief? It is different for every person.
What is my grief? It has many forms and components.
I am sad and feel pain for all of Delaney's friend. I feel for her teachers and the adults she touched. I feel for her friends and how much they miss her and how much they just don't understand.
I hurt for our family. The Grandparents who are missing their only Granddaughter and for the Grandparents who are missing their almost daily visits. I am devastated for the Aunt and Uncle who consider my children their children. I mourn for all of our closest friends, the surrogate Aunts and Uncles who have shared Delaney's life and grieve deeply.
My heart breaks for our immediate family. When my son crys or hurts it takes my breath away. This week he was sitting in the back of the car playing his Gameboy while I was playing with the radio. We were waiting for his Mom to finish shopping at Joanne's Fabric. He was startled and exclaimed "Daddy, I just saw Delaney." I asked him where and he pointed to the truck parked next to us and then said "But she isn't there anymore." I know that he was just thinking about her and thought he saw her in his peripheral vision where she normally would have been when we were in the car together. Last night he told his mom, "It wasn't my turn. It was Delaney's turn to die. But it isn't a game it's just about dying." He 4 year old mind is working so hard to understand what has happened and what to do and feel. I can't help him, I can't take the pain away so my heart breaks.
When my wife crys it is in deep heart felt sobs. The kind of cry that comes all the way from inside your chest, inside your heart. Her breathing changes, her brow wrinkles, her body slumps, her eyes turn red. and it just flows out. What can I do for her? I can hold her hand. I can give her a hug. I can hold on for dear life. I can even be her punching bag. But it isn't enough. I can't take her pain away. I can't make it better. I can't help her understand. I can just share the tears. It strips away any strength I have, any of my heart that is left. It hurts me to my soul.
So where does that leave me and my grief? What am I feeling?
In a word EMPTY!
I miss the smiles, the hugs, the talks that we had. I miss waking her up in the morning where Delaney would just sit in my lap with her head on my chest and snuggle. I miss laying in bed next to her as she would read to me. I miss our talks about her friends. I miss her creative play, I miss the spirit that was Delaney. I miss the Delaney of the past and present.
Most recently I have been missing the teenager she would have been, the woman that she would have been, the mommy that she should have been. I am saddened by the ideas that I have about her being in marching band. I am sad because I know how proud I would have been of her graduating from High school and going to college (FSU in my mind but any school would be great). Last night I broke down crying remembering my ideas of dancing with her after her wedding. In my minds eye she was so beautiful, her smile so big, and I was so proud of her. I mourn the loss of the future Delaney.
I will always miss her!
So grief what is it for me? My life has been turned upside down. I hurt. Everyone in my life hurts. But the world goes on and expects me to do the same. I don't know how. Every day I try to live for my son and for my wife. I feel empty but I keep doing what I am supposed to do. Grief is the fleeting glimpse of my daughters smile, a thought from the past or the sound of her voice in my head that happens regularly while I am working, driving, eating, playing, or talking. It is that feeling of dread when I wake up to a nightmare. It is that emptiness and melancholy that occupy every waking minute of my day. It is staying awake at night until I am too exhausted to stay up in hopes that when I climb into bed I will fall asleep quickly and escape the demons that come in the dark hours. It is keeping busy or keeping my mind focused as much as possible to fend off the dark thought. This is my grief. This is what keeps me from letting the darkness take me.
This is my grief and how I very literally choose to take the next breath for my Son, and for my Wife. I do not fear death, I welcome it. I do fear what death would do to my family and friends. So I choose to take the next breath.
What is my grief? It has many forms and components.
I am sad and feel pain for all of Delaney's friend. I feel for her teachers and the adults she touched. I feel for her friends and how much they miss her and how much they just don't understand.
I hurt for our family. The Grandparents who are missing their only Granddaughter and for the Grandparents who are missing their almost daily visits. I am devastated for the Aunt and Uncle who consider my children their children. I mourn for all of our closest friends, the surrogate Aunts and Uncles who have shared Delaney's life and grieve deeply.
My heart breaks for our immediate family. When my son crys or hurts it takes my breath away. This week he was sitting in the back of the car playing his Gameboy while I was playing with the radio. We were waiting for his Mom to finish shopping at Joanne's Fabric. He was startled and exclaimed "Daddy, I just saw Delaney." I asked him where and he pointed to the truck parked next to us and then said "But she isn't there anymore." I know that he was just thinking about her and thought he saw her in his peripheral vision where she normally would have been when we were in the car together. Last night he told his mom, "It wasn't my turn. It was Delaney's turn to die. But it isn't a game it's just about dying." He 4 year old mind is working so hard to understand what has happened and what to do and feel. I can't help him, I can't take the pain away so my heart breaks.
When my wife crys it is in deep heart felt sobs. The kind of cry that comes all the way from inside your chest, inside your heart. Her breathing changes, her brow wrinkles, her body slumps, her eyes turn red. and it just flows out. What can I do for her? I can hold her hand. I can give her a hug. I can hold on for dear life. I can even be her punching bag. But it isn't enough. I can't take her pain away. I can't make it better. I can't help her understand. I can just share the tears. It strips away any strength I have, any of my heart that is left. It hurts me to my soul.
So where does that leave me and my grief? What am I feeling?
In a word EMPTY!
I miss the smiles, the hugs, the talks that we had. I miss waking her up in the morning where Delaney would just sit in my lap with her head on my chest and snuggle. I miss laying in bed next to her as she would read to me. I miss our talks about her friends. I miss her creative play, I miss the spirit that was Delaney. I miss the Delaney of the past and present.
Most recently I have been missing the teenager she would have been, the woman that she would have been, the mommy that she should have been. I am saddened by the ideas that I have about her being in marching band. I am sad because I know how proud I would have been of her graduating from High school and going to college (FSU in my mind but any school would be great). Last night I broke down crying remembering my ideas of dancing with her after her wedding. In my minds eye she was so beautiful, her smile so big, and I was so proud of her. I mourn the loss of the future Delaney.
I will always miss her!
So grief what is it for me? My life has been turned upside down. I hurt. Everyone in my life hurts. But the world goes on and expects me to do the same. I don't know how. Every day I try to live for my son and for my wife. I feel empty but I keep doing what I am supposed to do. Grief is the fleeting glimpse of my daughters smile, a thought from the past or the sound of her voice in my head that happens regularly while I am working, driving, eating, playing, or talking. It is that feeling of dread when I wake up to a nightmare. It is that emptiness and melancholy that occupy every waking minute of my day. It is staying awake at night until I am too exhausted to stay up in hopes that when I climb into bed I will fall asleep quickly and escape the demons that come in the dark hours. It is keeping busy or keeping my mind focused as much as possible to fend off the dark thought. This is my grief. This is what keeps me from letting the darkness take me.
This is my grief and how I very literally choose to take the next breath for my Son, and for my Wife. I do not fear death, I welcome it. I do fear what death would do to my family and friends. So I choose to take the next breath.