Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 6
[Life goes on at the Burrow. Lupin shows up on Harry’s birthday to report mysterious deaths]
Lupin: So, Karkaroff is dead, Florean Fortescue has been found missing…. Oh, and Ollivander is gone too.
Ginny: You mean the guy who gives people wands? But where will the new students get their wands?
Lupin: There are other wandmakers.
Ginny: There are? I never noticed!
[On the bright side, Harry is made Quidditch Captain]
Hermione: Did you know that this makes you as important as a prefect? You can even use our bathroom!
Harry: Hooray for wizards’ obsessions with their stupid sports!
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, it’s decided-we’ll go to Diagon Alley as soon as your father has time off so he can protect us.
Ron: Mother, couldn’t you defend us yourself?
Harry: Mrs. Weasley can fight?! I had no idea!
Mrs. Weasley: Well…you know what they say about safety in numbers….
[The day of shopping dawns]
Bill: Harry, here’s some money for you. I took the liberty of getting it out of your vault so you wouldn’t have to wait in the maximum-security line.
Fleur: Isn’t that thoughtful of you?
Bill: Not really-it’s just common sense. I don’t want to wait for him to go through that line either.
[Two cars provided by the Ministry of Magic take them to Diagon Alley]
Mr. Weasley: Isn’t this nice? It’s all because they want to protect Harry.
Harry: Can I expect to be treated as paper-fine glass from this point onward?
Mr. Weasley: No.
Harry: Aww…
[At the Leaky Cauldron, they meet up with Hagrid]
Hagrid: I’ve been assigned to escort you around Diagon Alley.
Harry: Oh, wow! Not a bunch of aurors?
Hagrid: Nope-Dumbledore put in a good word for me.
Ron: Oh, joy….
[They enter Diagon Alley, which has changed]
Harry: All the signs are covered in Ministry posters. Some of the stores are even boarded up.
Con wizard: You people look important! You should totally buy one of my amulets to ward off evil!
Mr. Weasley: Eew. If I were on duty I’d arrest you at once.
Mrs. Weasley: Let’s see…how to do this shopping to ensure that we finish as quickly as possible and don’t split up more than is necessary…?
Hagrid: I can always take Harry, Ron, and Hermione off your hands.
Mrs. Weasley: You? Take these children from me?
Hagrid: Yes! Come on, nobody’s going to attack someone as fearsome-looking as I am!
Mrs. Weasley: I suppose I have no choice. Very well, you three go with Hagrid.
[They go to Madame Malkin’s, where Draco is]
Draco: But Mooootheeeeeer, I want to go shopping alooooooone!
Madame Malkin: Now, now, your mother’s just worried about you.
Draco: But she’s treating me like a baby! I’m a big boy now!
Harry: Aaagh! Draco is here!
Draco: Eew! It’s Harry and his filthy little friends!
[Harry, Ron, and Draco draw wands]
Madame Malkin: Hey! Play nice indoors!
Hermione: Seriously, don’t make this even worse than it already is.
Draco: Eew! It’s Hermione!
Narcissa: Agh! Everyone stop this right now! You three, stop pointing your wands at my son or there’ll be hell to pay!
Harry: Oh, I’m so scared! What are you going to do, send your Death Eater friends after us?
Madame Malkin: What?! Who said anything about Death Eaters?!
Narcissa: Don’t make me laugh. You wouldn’t talk so tough to me if you weren’t Dumbledore’s favorite.
Harry: Dumbledore isn’t here right now, you know. So why the hell don’t you come after me, you filthy genocidal racist you?!
Draco: Hey! That’s not a very nice thing to say about my mother!
Narcissa: Draco, dear, your mother can fight her own battles.
Harry: I say it because it’s true!
[Madame Malkin is so nervous that she pokes Draco with a pin]
Draco: Ow! Fuck this! [Pulls off robes] I’m out of here!
Madame Malkin: But I haven’t even finished fitting your robes!
Draco: I don’t want these robes anyway! [Storms off]
Narcissa: That’s alright-I think there’s another store somewhere along here…. Draco! Come back! [Runs after Draco]
Harry: Oh, well. Will you fit us virtuous main characters now?
Madame Malkin: Very well.
[She fits their robes hastily and sends them on their way]*
Harry: Hagrid, Hagrid! We saw Draco in the shop!
Hagrid: Oh, yeah. Well, he wouldn’t dare try anything in the middle of Diagon Alley in broad daylight.
Harry: I sure hope you’re right.
[After a time, they reconnoiter with Mrs. Weasley, and they all to go Fred and George’s shop]
Ron: Harry, Harry! Look at that sign! Isn’t it funny?!
Harry: Oh, yes! That sign is so funny! U-No-Poo! Ahahaha! Poopy jokes are the best thing ever!
Mrs. Weasley: That’s disgusting.
Ron: Oh, come off it, Mother! Poopy jokes are hilarious and everyone who’s cool knows it!
[Both Harry and Ron collapse in fits of giggles]
[They go inside the store…]
Harry: Look, look! Fake wands!
Ron: Look, look! A reusable hangman that behaves like a real man who’s about to be hanged!
Hermione: Look, look! A 30-minute daydream you can apply in the middle of a class period! …Should I be upset about that?
Fred: Wow, I take that as high praise coming from you.
Hermione: Oh, hello, Fred!
Fred: So, shall I give you all a tour?
Harry: Oh, yes! Please!
[Fred leads them around…]
Fred: So we sell jokes of all kinds. We also sell some muggle magic tricks, because apparently they have a market as novelties. Who knew?
Random ten-year-old: Ooh! Edible Dark Marks!
Fred: Step away from that, little boy, if you know what’s good for you.
Random ten-year-old: Sorry! [Runs away in fear]
George: Oh, and by the way, we sell more serious stuff too. The Ministry employees are buying our shield clothing, Peruvian instant darkness powder, and so forth.
Harry: Oh, wow! You are so clever!
Fred: By the way, you can have anything you want in this store for free, as long as you tell your friends where you got it.
Harry: Hooray! I get free stuff!
Ron: You’re lucky. They won’t let me take anything for free and I’m their own brother.
Harry: Oh Ron, your life sucks so much!
Ron: You don’t have to remind me!
Fred: Oh, by the way, Hermione, Ginny, did you know we sell love potions too?
Ginny: Love potions? Do they actually, you know, work?
Fred: Yes, of course they do. Oh, but you don’t need any, I’m sure. According to Ron you have all the boys in the school lining up to date you.
Ginny: Oh, please-he’s exaggerating!
George: But you are going out with at least one, correct?
Ginny: Well, yes. I’m going out with Dean Thomas. Why?
Fred: Because you’re supposed to be dating Harry. He’s your destined husband.
Ginny: But I don’t want a destined husband!
George: That’s too bad-Harry’s the main character. If he wants you for a wife, you’re going to be his wife.
Ginny: But I like Dean Thomas! He’s smart and funny and we get along so well! Did I tell you about the time he met some muggle musician at a West Ham game--?
Fred: Too bad. You’re destined to marry Harry, and you will like it.
Ginny: No, I refuse to accept--! [Notices a cage full of pink and purple fluffballs] Ooh! What are these things?!
Fred: They’re Pygmy Puffs. Think Puffskeins but even cuter.
Ginny: AAAAAGH THEY ARE SOOOO CUUUUUUTE! I WANT ONE I WANT ONE I WANT ONE!
Mrs. Weasley: I thought I heard something in here!
Ginny: Mother, Mother! I wanna buy a Pygmy Puff!
Mrs. Weasley: A what?
Ginny: A cute little ball of purple fluff, like a Puffskein but even cuter!
[Just then, Harry spies Draco outside the window!]
Harry: Aaagh! Draco! He’s up to no good, I’m sure of it! …I must investigate!
Ron: What is it?
Harry: It’s Draco! He’s traveling! And he seems to have lost his mother!
Ron: That’s strange. I wonder where she’s gotten to.
Harry: Let’s all get under my Cloak so we can find out!
Hermione: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.
Ron: Surely just tailing him for a little time couldn’t hurt?
[They all get under the Cloak and head outside, following Draco until…]
Harry: He went into Knockturne Alley! After him!
Hermione: Mind that our feet aren’t seen!
[They eventually find Draco in Borgin and Burkes, which is deserted but for him and the shopkeeper]
Ron: Let’s use our extendable Ears to listen in!
Hermione: Good idea!
[They put in the Extendable Ears…]
Draco: So, anyway, I want a very important thing fixed.
Borgin: Of course, I’ll be glad to fix it if you bring it in.
Draco: No, no, no! It can’t come into the shop! I have to keep it where it is. I just need to know how to fix it.
Borgin: You do realize that what you’re asking me to do is difficult if not impossible.
Draco: Do it or I’ll tell Fenrir Greyback you refused to help me!
Borgin: Do you have to go that far?
Draco: Of course I do! I’m evil, do you hear me?! Evil!
Borgin: If you say so.
Draco: Oh, and by the way, don’t sell that other thing I’m interested in.
Borgin: If you want it so badly why don’t you just buy it?
Draco: Because I can’t be seen with it in public, that’s why! Now don’t sell it!
Borgin: Very well.
Draco: Also…this meeting never happened.
Borgin: Of course, I’ve forgotten about it already.
[Draco leaves]
Ron: So…now what?
Harry: Well, we know that Draco wants something fixed, and something else reserved. Other than that, not much.
Hermione: I had an idea!
Ron: Oh, really?
Hermione: Yes. Wait here.
[Hermione goes inside the shop]
Borgin: Who are you?
Hermione: Oh, I’m just a friend of Draco Malfoy’s. I’m looking to buy him a present. Is there anything you’d, like, absolutely not want me to get for him?
Borgin: What do you mean by that?
Hermione: Well…take this creepy-looking necklace. Is it for sale?
Borgin: Don’t make me laugh-that necklace is completely out of your price range. Now get gone, you stupid girl.
Hermione: Alright, alright! [She leaves and returns to Harry and Ron]
Ron: That was pathetic.
Hermione: Tell me something I don’t know.
*A/N: I think the following quote by Film Brain about sums up this scene:
“Remember, when confronted with ignorance, just descend to its level and beat them up for it! You may be assaulting someone but at least you’re morally right!” XD
Lupin: So, Karkaroff is dead, Florean Fortescue has been found missing…. Oh, and Ollivander is gone too.
Ginny: You mean the guy who gives people wands? But where will the new students get their wands?
Lupin: There are other wandmakers.
Ginny: There are? I never noticed!
[On the bright side, Harry is made Quidditch Captain]
Hermione: Did you know that this makes you as important as a prefect? You can even use our bathroom!
Harry: Hooray for wizards’ obsessions with their stupid sports!
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, it’s decided-we’ll go to Diagon Alley as soon as your father has time off so he can protect us.
Ron: Mother, couldn’t you defend us yourself?
Harry: Mrs. Weasley can fight?! I had no idea!
Mrs. Weasley: Well…you know what they say about safety in numbers….
[The day of shopping dawns]
Bill: Harry, here’s some money for you. I took the liberty of getting it out of your vault so you wouldn’t have to wait in the maximum-security line.
Fleur: Isn’t that thoughtful of you?
Bill: Not really-it’s just common sense. I don’t want to wait for him to go through that line either.
[Two cars provided by the Ministry of Magic take them to Diagon Alley]
Mr. Weasley: Isn’t this nice? It’s all because they want to protect Harry.
Harry: Can I expect to be treated as paper-fine glass from this point onward?
Mr. Weasley: No.
Harry: Aww…
[At the Leaky Cauldron, they meet up with Hagrid]
Hagrid: I’ve been assigned to escort you around Diagon Alley.
Harry: Oh, wow! Not a bunch of aurors?
Hagrid: Nope-Dumbledore put in a good word for me.
Ron: Oh, joy….
[They enter Diagon Alley, which has changed]
Harry: All the signs are covered in Ministry posters. Some of the stores are even boarded up.
Con wizard: You people look important! You should totally buy one of my amulets to ward off evil!
Mr. Weasley: Eew. If I were on duty I’d arrest you at once.
Mrs. Weasley: Let’s see…how to do this shopping to ensure that we finish as quickly as possible and don’t split up more than is necessary…?
Hagrid: I can always take Harry, Ron, and Hermione off your hands.
Mrs. Weasley: You? Take these children from me?
Hagrid: Yes! Come on, nobody’s going to attack someone as fearsome-looking as I am!
Mrs. Weasley: I suppose I have no choice. Very well, you three go with Hagrid.
[They go to Madame Malkin’s, where Draco is]
Draco: But Mooootheeeeeer, I want to go shopping alooooooone!
Madame Malkin: Now, now, your mother’s just worried about you.
Draco: But she’s treating me like a baby! I’m a big boy now!
Harry: Aaagh! Draco is here!
Draco: Eew! It’s Harry and his filthy little friends!
[Harry, Ron, and Draco draw wands]
Madame Malkin: Hey! Play nice indoors!
Hermione: Seriously, don’t make this even worse than it already is.
Draco: Eew! It’s Hermione!
Narcissa: Agh! Everyone stop this right now! You three, stop pointing your wands at my son or there’ll be hell to pay!
Harry: Oh, I’m so scared! What are you going to do, send your Death Eater friends after us?
Madame Malkin: What?! Who said anything about Death Eaters?!
Narcissa: Don’t make me laugh. You wouldn’t talk so tough to me if you weren’t Dumbledore’s favorite.
Harry: Dumbledore isn’t here right now, you know. So why the hell don’t you come after me, you filthy genocidal racist you?!
Draco: Hey! That’s not a very nice thing to say about my mother!
Narcissa: Draco, dear, your mother can fight her own battles.
Harry: I say it because it’s true!
[Madame Malkin is so nervous that she pokes Draco with a pin]
Draco: Ow! Fuck this! [Pulls off robes] I’m out of here!
Madame Malkin: But I haven’t even finished fitting your robes!
Draco: I don’t want these robes anyway! [Storms off]
Narcissa: That’s alright-I think there’s another store somewhere along here…. Draco! Come back! [Runs after Draco]
Harry: Oh, well. Will you fit us virtuous main characters now?
Madame Malkin: Very well.
[She fits their robes hastily and sends them on their way]*
Harry: Hagrid, Hagrid! We saw Draco in the shop!
Hagrid: Oh, yeah. Well, he wouldn’t dare try anything in the middle of Diagon Alley in broad daylight.
Harry: I sure hope you’re right.
[After a time, they reconnoiter with Mrs. Weasley, and they all to go Fred and George’s shop]
Ron: Harry, Harry! Look at that sign! Isn’t it funny?!
Harry: Oh, yes! That sign is so funny! U-No-Poo! Ahahaha! Poopy jokes are the best thing ever!
Mrs. Weasley: That’s disgusting.
Ron: Oh, come off it, Mother! Poopy jokes are hilarious and everyone who’s cool knows it!
[Both Harry and Ron collapse in fits of giggles]
[They go inside the store…]
Harry: Look, look! Fake wands!
Ron: Look, look! A reusable hangman that behaves like a real man who’s about to be hanged!
Hermione: Look, look! A 30-minute daydream you can apply in the middle of a class period! …Should I be upset about that?
Fred: Wow, I take that as high praise coming from you.
Hermione: Oh, hello, Fred!
Fred: So, shall I give you all a tour?
Harry: Oh, yes! Please!
[Fred leads them around…]
Fred: So we sell jokes of all kinds. We also sell some muggle magic tricks, because apparently they have a market as novelties. Who knew?
Random ten-year-old: Ooh! Edible Dark Marks!
Fred: Step away from that, little boy, if you know what’s good for you.
Random ten-year-old: Sorry! [Runs away in fear]
George: Oh, and by the way, we sell more serious stuff too. The Ministry employees are buying our shield clothing, Peruvian instant darkness powder, and so forth.
Harry: Oh, wow! You are so clever!
Fred: By the way, you can have anything you want in this store for free, as long as you tell your friends where you got it.
Harry: Hooray! I get free stuff!
Ron: You’re lucky. They won’t let me take anything for free and I’m their own brother.
Harry: Oh Ron, your life sucks so much!
Ron: You don’t have to remind me!
Fred: Oh, by the way, Hermione, Ginny, did you know we sell love potions too?
Ginny: Love potions? Do they actually, you know, work?
Fred: Yes, of course they do. Oh, but you don’t need any, I’m sure. According to Ron you have all the boys in the school lining up to date you.
Ginny: Oh, please-he’s exaggerating!
George: But you are going out with at least one, correct?
Ginny: Well, yes. I’m going out with Dean Thomas. Why?
Fred: Because you’re supposed to be dating Harry. He’s your destined husband.
Ginny: But I don’t want a destined husband!
George: That’s too bad-Harry’s the main character. If he wants you for a wife, you’re going to be his wife.
Ginny: But I like Dean Thomas! He’s smart and funny and we get along so well! Did I tell you about the time he met some muggle musician at a West Ham game--?
Fred: Too bad. You’re destined to marry Harry, and you will like it.
Ginny: No, I refuse to accept--! [Notices a cage full of pink and purple fluffballs] Ooh! What are these things?!
Fred: They’re Pygmy Puffs. Think Puffskeins but even cuter.
Ginny: AAAAAGH THEY ARE SOOOO CUUUUUUTE! I WANT ONE I WANT ONE I WANT ONE!
Mrs. Weasley: I thought I heard something in here!
Ginny: Mother, Mother! I wanna buy a Pygmy Puff!
Mrs. Weasley: A what?
Ginny: A cute little ball of purple fluff, like a Puffskein but even cuter!
[Just then, Harry spies Draco outside the window!]
Harry: Aaagh! Draco! He’s up to no good, I’m sure of it! …I must investigate!
Ron: What is it?
Harry: It’s Draco! He’s traveling! And he seems to have lost his mother!
Ron: That’s strange. I wonder where she’s gotten to.
Harry: Let’s all get under my Cloak so we can find out!
Hermione: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.
Ron: Surely just tailing him for a little time couldn’t hurt?
[They all get under the Cloak and head outside, following Draco until…]
Harry: He went into Knockturne Alley! After him!
Hermione: Mind that our feet aren’t seen!
[They eventually find Draco in Borgin and Burkes, which is deserted but for him and the shopkeeper]
Ron: Let’s use our extendable Ears to listen in!
Hermione: Good idea!
[They put in the Extendable Ears…]
Draco: So, anyway, I want a very important thing fixed.
Borgin: Of course, I’ll be glad to fix it if you bring it in.
Draco: No, no, no! It can’t come into the shop! I have to keep it where it is. I just need to know how to fix it.
Borgin: You do realize that what you’re asking me to do is difficult if not impossible.
Draco: Do it or I’ll tell Fenrir Greyback you refused to help me!
Borgin: Do you have to go that far?
Draco: Of course I do! I’m evil, do you hear me?! Evil!
Borgin: If you say so.
Draco: Oh, and by the way, don’t sell that other thing I’m interested in.
Borgin: If you want it so badly why don’t you just buy it?
Draco: Because I can’t be seen with it in public, that’s why! Now don’t sell it!
Borgin: Very well.
Draco: Also…this meeting never happened.
Borgin: Of course, I’ve forgotten about it already.
[Draco leaves]
Ron: So…now what?
Harry: Well, we know that Draco wants something fixed, and something else reserved. Other than that, not much.
Hermione: I had an idea!
Ron: Oh, really?
Hermione: Yes. Wait here.
[Hermione goes inside the shop]
Borgin: Who are you?
Hermione: Oh, I’m just a friend of Draco Malfoy’s. I’m looking to buy him a present. Is there anything you’d, like, absolutely not want me to get for him?
Borgin: What do you mean by that?
Hermione: Well…take this creepy-looking necklace. Is it for sale?
Borgin: Don’t make me laugh-that necklace is completely out of your price range. Now get gone, you stupid girl.
Hermione: Alright, alright! [She leaves and returns to Harry and Ron]
Ron: That was pathetic.
Hermione: Tell me something I don’t know.
*A/N: I think the following quote by Film Brain about sums up this scene:
“Remember, when confronted with ignorance, just descend to its level and beat them up for it! You may be assaulting someone but at least you’re morally right!” XD