Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 5
[Harry and Dumbledore go up to the Burrow…]
Mrs. Weasley: Who goes there? You wouldn’t be a spy or a Death Eater, would you?
Dumbledore: Nope, it’s just me and Harry!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, then you’re alright. Come inside.
[They go inside…]
Tonks: Hello. Remember me from last book?
Harry: You don’t look so good. Did something happen to you?
Tonks: Who, me? No, no, it’s nothing at all, really!
Dumbledore: You say that but you don’t mean it.
Tonks: I do so mean it! Anyway I wouldn’t tell anyone even if it was something! Fare thee well! [Leaves]
Dumbledore: That reminds me-I should be off as well! [Leaves]
Mrs. Weasley: Hello, Harry. Sit down and I’ll fetch you some soup. [Mrs. Weasley does thus] So…what business did Dumbledore have with you?
Harry: He wanted me to meet a new teacher named Slutborn.
Mrs. Weasley: …I think you mean Slughorn?
Harry: Whatever.
Mrs. Weasley: He was a teacher at Hogwards when I was a student. Arthur and I never liked him, though-he never recognized Arthur or gave him any help. I can’t imagine why…. By the way, did I tell you he’s been promoted?
Harry: He has?-I mean, he has!
Mrs. Weasley: Yes, he has. People want him to help identify items being sold by con artists who claim they can protect against the Death Eaters.
Harry: Is he still at work?
Mrs. Weasley: Yes, he is. But he should be home soon.
[Sure enough, he comes home after just a few minutes]
Mr. Weasley: I’m home, honey! Won’t you ask me my security question?
Mrs. Weasley: Doesn’t the mere fact you’re asking about the question suggest that you’re not a Death Eater?
Mr. Weasley: If we don’t actually ask the questions they’re useless as security questions, aren’t they?
Mrs. Weasley: That’s true. Funny, that. Alright, what is your greatest ambition?
Mr. Weasley: To help airplanes stay up.
Mrs. Weasley: Good enough.
Mr. Weasley: I should ask you yours now.
Mrs. Weasley: I can’t do that, Harry Potter is with me!
Mr. Weasley: Come on.
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, alright.
Mr. Weasley: What do I like to call you in bed?
Mrs. Weasley: Mollywobbles. [Blushes]
Mr. Weasley: Alright, that’s good enough. [He comes inside] Hello, Harry.
[Mrs. Weasley serves him soup]
Mr. Weasley: So I’ve spent all day dealing with these medals. People sell them to you promising that you can change your shape if you wear them, but all that happens is that your skin turns orange and you sprout tentacles.
Mrs. Weasley: That sounds vaguely like something Fred and George would come up with. Should we be concerned about them?
Mr. Weasley: Nonsense-there’s no way any of our children could ever, ever be involved in something so terrible!
Harry: [Yawn]
Mrs. Weasley: Why don’t you sleep in Fred and George’s room?
Harry: I’m not sleepy! Not when there’s plot-relevant discussions to be had!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, there’s nothing that plot-relevant happening right now. Go to bed and rest easy. I’ve even moved your trunk upstairs.
[Harry goes to Fred and George’s room]
Harry: Huh. It looks like they’ve left a Puking Pastille under my pillow. Very strange.
[Awhile after Harry falls asleep, he’s woken up by Ron and Hermione!]
Ron: Harry! We’re so glad you’re here! [Glomps Harry]
Harry: Yes, yes, I’m here. What time is it? Did I miss breakfast?
Ron: Don’t worry about it-Mother can always bring it to you in bed. So, I heard you’ve been getting cozy with Dumbledore!
Harry: Not anywhere near as much so as I’d like-we just went to visit an old teacher so Dumbledore could convince him to work at Hogwarts. His name is Slutborn.
Hermione: [Stifles giggles]
Harry: What?
Hermione: [Innocently] Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s true, we do need a new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.
[Just then]
Ginny: Ginny has arrived!
Ron: Hello, my dear sister.
Ginny: So, anyway, have I mentioned how annoyed I am by the state of things?
Ron: You never shut up about it, my dear sister.
Ginny: Hmph! Don’t you go taking her side!
Ron: I’m not taking her side.
Ginny: She’s totally worse than Umbridge, you know!
Hermione: Yes, of course, Ginny, whatever you say.
Harry: Can one of you please tell me what the fuck is going on?!
Ginny: It’s that stupid French girl! Those dirty foreigners and their dirty foreign ways are invading this household!
[Just then, Fleur appears with Harry’s breakfast tray]
Fleur: You called?
Harry: Hello, Beautiful!
Fleur: Oh, hello again. You’re that unqualified kid who beat me at every challenge in that tournament two books ago, because I’m just so delicate and female and French.
Harry: Wow, you have a good memory! I’d completely forgotten you even existed!
Fleur: Whatever. I have your food. By the way, my sister is in love with you and won’t stop talking about how fantastic you are.
Harry: Oh, good! My career as a ladykiller begins in three, two, one…!
Fleur: My sister is ten years old, you know. And by the way, I didn’t come just to see you, but because I’m going to marry Bill Weasley.
Harry: You’re going to marry Bill Weasley?!
Fleur: All part of my plan to become a major character in these last two books.
Mrs. Weasley: You’ll never be a main character if I have anything to say about it!
Fleur: Whatever. [Leaves Harry to his tray]
Mrs. Weasley: I do think Bill is rushing into things. I mean, what could that stupid French girl possibly bring to this family? She’s obviously an airheaded, cowardly bimbo.
Ginny: Well in his defense, didn’t you and Father marry quickly too?
Mrs. Weasley: We’re down-to-earth British country types-it’s totally different.
Ginny: Point taken.
Mrs. Weasley: I have to go and do housewifely things. I’ll leave you teenagers to your gossip. [Leaves]
Hermione: I hate that Fleur so much!
Ginny: I concur! By the way, did you know Mother has been not-so-subtlely hinting that Bill should date Tonks instead?
Ron: But will that work? Say what you like about Fleur but she is beautiful.
Ginny: But Tonks is so much nicer!
Hermione: And smarter!
Harry: Well Fleur was smart enough to get into the Triwizard Tournament…and suffer humiliating defeats in every contest….
Hermione: Don’t take her side!
Ginny: Yeah! Clearly she’s bewitched you with her evil French Veela powers!
Ron: Speaking of Tonks, by the way, have you noticed how upset she’s been lately?
Hermione: Maybe she’s just upset that her cousin died?
Harry: AAAAAAAGH! SIRIUS IS DEAD AND IT’S ALL MY FAUUUUUUULT!
Ron: But it’s not like Tonks knew Sirius that well-
Harry: WHYYYYYYY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE SIRIUS?!
Hermione: But still, he was her cousin. And maybe she blames herself for not being better able to fend off his enemies?
Harry: HOW DARE SHE FEEL GUILTY?! I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S ALLOWED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SIRIUS’S DEATH! IT STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAAAAAAAY! Say, do you think he’s an angel watching over me?
Ron: Something tells me you wouldn’t want him to be an angel watching over you.
Harry: I think I feel a terrible sense of foreboding settling into my stomach, and I don’t know why.
Hermione: Fun fact: Tonks has had difficulty using her special Mary Sue powers since she became depressed.
Ron: Ooh, do you think this will become a plot point?
Hermione: I don’t know about that, but we might well come back to this at some point!
Harry: I can’t wait!
Mrs. Weasley: Ginny, help me come prepare lunch!
Ginny: Nonsense-I am a strong, independent woman! I do not cook or clean or sew--!
Mrs. Weasley: Please don’t leave me with this awful French woman all by myself!
Ginny: Coming. [Leaves]
Harry: So, anyway, Ron, I heard your brothers have been making lots of money lately.
Ron: Yes they have. I can’t wait to go to Diagon Alley so we can visit their new shop.
Harry: And whatever became of Percy?
Ron: He’s still not speaking to us.
Harry: What?! How dare he not come crawling back to us now that the Ministry knows the truth!
Hermione: Maybe he’s just doing it to spite Dumbledore.
Harry: Speaking of which, Dumbledore’s giving me private lessons.
Ron: Why would he want to do that?
Harry: I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with the prophecy.
Ron: Speaking of, what was in that prophecy anyway?
Harry: According to Dumbledore, all it said was, “This child was born to die.”
Ron: Wow, that’s creepy.
Hermione: Help! I’m being set upon by one of Fred and George’s experiments!
Ron: Yeah, don’t touch anything in here. Don’t worry-Mother can heal your injuries.
Hermione: Some other time. I have to agree with Ron on this one-that is really creepy. Are you scared of dying?
Harry: No, I’m not scared of dying. I believe that there never is an end.
Hermione: Harry, there’s no afterlife. How on earth could consciousness survive death? How is that biologically possible?
Harry: Oh, no! There’s no afterlife?! Have I been deluding myself all these years?!
Hermione: Wow, you really are brainless.
Ron: In all seriousness, though, it is cool that Dumbledore’s giving you lessons. Maybe he’s trying to help you circumvent the prophecy.
Harry: Could be.
Hermione: Yeah. Just think of what a wizard as brilliant as Dumbledore could teach you about how to stay alive and face Voldemort.
Harry: Wow, I have the best friends ever.
Hermione: By the way, when do you think we’ll be getting the results of our OWLs?
Harry: Any day, probably.
[Sure enough, the exams arrive that very day]
Harry: Wow, except for Astronomy, Divination, and History, which I never liked, I got Exceeds Expectations or above in everything! All this despite putting no work whatsoever into my studies! Hooray for being the main character!
Ron: Wish I could be so lucky….
Hermione: Oh, I only got Exceeds Expectations on Defense against the Dark Arts! Woe is me! Surely I Deserved Outstandings on everything!
Harry: Oh, come off it! …Say, my Potions grade isn’t high enough to qualify for NEWT levels. Does this mean I’m not qualified to become an auror? But why?! It’s my destiny to face down Voldemort; why can’t I have what I waaaaaant?!
A/N: Okay, is it me or is this chapter rather pointless. Seriously, all that happens in it is, Harry reunites with his friends (and Fleur), and then they're all rude about Fleur for no good reason.
Mrs. Weasley: Who goes there? You wouldn’t be a spy or a Death Eater, would you?
Dumbledore: Nope, it’s just me and Harry!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, then you’re alright. Come inside.
[They go inside…]
Tonks: Hello. Remember me from last book?
Harry: You don’t look so good. Did something happen to you?
Tonks: Who, me? No, no, it’s nothing at all, really!
Dumbledore: You say that but you don’t mean it.
Tonks: I do so mean it! Anyway I wouldn’t tell anyone even if it was something! Fare thee well! [Leaves]
Dumbledore: That reminds me-I should be off as well! [Leaves]
Mrs. Weasley: Hello, Harry. Sit down and I’ll fetch you some soup. [Mrs. Weasley does thus] So…what business did Dumbledore have with you?
Harry: He wanted me to meet a new teacher named Slutborn.
Mrs. Weasley: …I think you mean Slughorn?
Harry: Whatever.
Mrs. Weasley: He was a teacher at Hogwards when I was a student. Arthur and I never liked him, though-he never recognized Arthur or gave him any help. I can’t imagine why…. By the way, did I tell you he’s been promoted?
Harry: He has?-I mean, he has!
Mrs. Weasley: Yes, he has. People want him to help identify items being sold by con artists who claim they can protect against the Death Eaters.
Harry: Is he still at work?
Mrs. Weasley: Yes, he is. But he should be home soon.
[Sure enough, he comes home after just a few minutes]
Mr. Weasley: I’m home, honey! Won’t you ask me my security question?
Mrs. Weasley: Doesn’t the mere fact you’re asking about the question suggest that you’re not a Death Eater?
Mr. Weasley: If we don’t actually ask the questions they’re useless as security questions, aren’t they?
Mrs. Weasley: That’s true. Funny, that. Alright, what is your greatest ambition?
Mr. Weasley: To help airplanes stay up.
Mrs. Weasley: Good enough.
Mr. Weasley: I should ask you yours now.
Mrs. Weasley: I can’t do that, Harry Potter is with me!
Mr. Weasley: Come on.
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, alright.
Mr. Weasley: What do I like to call you in bed?
Mrs. Weasley: Mollywobbles. [Blushes]
Mr. Weasley: Alright, that’s good enough. [He comes inside] Hello, Harry.
[Mrs. Weasley serves him soup]
Mr. Weasley: So I’ve spent all day dealing with these medals. People sell them to you promising that you can change your shape if you wear them, but all that happens is that your skin turns orange and you sprout tentacles.
Mrs. Weasley: That sounds vaguely like something Fred and George would come up with. Should we be concerned about them?
Mr. Weasley: Nonsense-there’s no way any of our children could ever, ever be involved in something so terrible!
Harry: [Yawn]
Mrs. Weasley: Why don’t you sleep in Fred and George’s room?
Harry: I’m not sleepy! Not when there’s plot-relevant discussions to be had!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, there’s nothing that plot-relevant happening right now. Go to bed and rest easy. I’ve even moved your trunk upstairs.
[Harry goes to Fred and George’s room]
Harry: Huh. It looks like they’ve left a Puking Pastille under my pillow. Very strange.
[Awhile after Harry falls asleep, he’s woken up by Ron and Hermione!]
Ron: Harry! We’re so glad you’re here! [Glomps Harry]
Harry: Yes, yes, I’m here. What time is it? Did I miss breakfast?
Ron: Don’t worry about it-Mother can always bring it to you in bed. So, I heard you’ve been getting cozy with Dumbledore!
Harry: Not anywhere near as much so as I’d like-we just went to visit an old teacher so Dumbledore could convince him to work at Hogwarts. His name is Slutborn.
Hermione: [Stifles giggles]
Harry: What?
Hermione: [Innocently] Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s true, we do need a new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.
[Just then]
Ginny: Ginny has arrived!
Ron: Hello, my dear sister.
Ginny: So, anyway, have I mentioned how annoyed I am by the state of things?
Ron: You never shut up about it, my dear sister.
Ginny: Hmph! Don’t you go taking her side!
Ron: I’m not taking her side.
Ginny: She’s totally worse than Umbridge, you know!
Hermione: Yes, of course, Ginny, whatever you say.
Harry: Can one of you please tell me what the fuck is going on?!
Ginny: It’s that stupid French girl! Those dirty foreigners and their dirty foreign ways are invading this household!
[Just then, Fleur appears with Harry’s breakfast tray]
Fleur: You called?
Harry: Hello, Beautiful!
Fleur: Oh, hello again. You’re that unqualified kid who beat me at every challenge in that tournament two books ago, because I’m just so delicate and female and French.
Harry: Wow, you have a good memory! I’d completely forgotten you even existed!
Fleur: Whatever. I have your food. By the way, my sister is in love with you and won’t stop talking about how fantastic you are.
Harry: Oh, good! My career as a ladykiller begins in three, two, one…!
Fleur: My sister is ten years old, you know. And by the way, I didn’t come just to see you, but because I’m going to marry Bill Weasley.
Harry: You’re going to marry Bill Weasley?!
Fleur: All part of my plan to become a major character in these last two books.
Mrs. Weasley: You’ll never be a main character if I have anything to say about it!
Fleur: Whatever. [Leaves Harry to his tray]
Mrs. Weasley: I do think Bill is rushing into things. I mean, what could that stupid French girl possibly bring to this family? She’s obviously an airheaded, cowardly bimbo.
Ginny: Well in his defense, didn’t you and Father marry quickly too?
Mrs. Weasley: We’re down-to-earth British country types-it’s totally different.
Ginny: Point taken.
Mrs. Weasley: I have to go and do housewifely things. I’ll leave you teenagers to your gossip. [Leaves]
Hermione: I hate that Fleur so much!
Ginny: I concur! By the way, did you know Mother has been not-so-subtlely hinting that Bill should date Tonks instead?
Ron: But will that work? Say what you like about Fleur but she is beautiful.
Ginny: But Tonks is so much nicer!
Hermione: And smarter!
Harry: Well Fleur was smart enough to get into the Triwizard Tournament…and suffer humiliating defeats in every contest….
Hermione: Don’t take her side!
Ginny: Yeah! Clearly she’s bewitched you with her evil French Veela powers!
Ron: Speaking of Tonks, by the way, have you noticed how upset she’s been lately?
Hermione: Maybe she’s just upset that her cousin died?
Harry: AAAAAAAGH! SIRIUS IS DEAD AND IT’S ALL MY FAUUUUUUULT!
Ron: But it’s not like Tonks knew Sirius that well-
Harry: WHYYYYYYY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE SIRIUS?!
Hermione: But still, he was her cousin. And maybe she blames herself for not being better able to fend off his enemies?
Harry: HOW DARE SHE FEEL GUILTY?! I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S ALLOWED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SIRIUS’S DEATH! IT STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAAAAAAAY! Say, do you think he’s an angel watching over me?
Ron: Something tells me you wouldn’t want him to be an angel watching over you.
Harry: I think I feel a terrible sense of foreboding settling into my stomach, and I don’t know why.
Hermione: Fun fact: Tonks has had difficulty using her special Mary Sue powers since she became depressed.
Ron: Ooh, do you think this will become a plot point?
Hermione: I don’t know about that, but we might well come back to this at some point!
Harry: I can’t wait!
Mrs. Weasley: Ginny, help me come prepare lunch!
Ginny: Nonsense-I am a strong, independent woman! I do not cook or clean or sew--!
Mrs. Weasley: Please don’t leave me with this awful French woman all by myself!
Ginny: Coming. [Leaves]
Harry: So, anyway, Ron, I heard your brothers have been making lots of money lately.
Ron: Yes they have. I can’t wait to go to Diagon Alley so we can visit their new shop.
Harry: And whatever became of Percy?
Ron: He’s still not speaking to us.
Harry: What?! How dare he not come crawling back to us now that the Ministry knows the truth!
Hermione: Maybe he’s just doing it to spite Dumbledore.
Harry: Speaking of which, Dumbledore’s giving me private lessons.
Ron: Why would he want to do that?
Harry: I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with the prophecy.
Ron: Speaking of, what was in that prophecy anyway?
Harry: According to Dumbledore, all it said was, “This child was born to die.”
Ron: Wow, that’s creepy.
Hermione: Help! I’m being set upon by one of Fred and George’s experiments!
Ron: Yeah, don’t touch anything in here. Don’t worry-Mother can heal your injuries.
Hermione: Some other time. I have to agree with Ron on this one-that is really creepy. Are you scared of dying?
Harry: No, I’m not scared of dying. I believe that there never is an end.
Hermione: Harry, there’s no afterlife. How on earth could consciousness survive death? How is that biologically possible?
Harry: Oh, no! There’s no afterlife?! Have I been deluding myself all these years?!
Hermione: Wow, you really are brainless.
Ron: In all seriousness, though, it is cool that Dumbledore’s giving you lessons. Maybe he’s trying to help you circumvent the prophecy.
Harry: Could be.
Hermione: Yeah. Just think of what a wizard as brilliant as Dumbledore could teach you about how to stay alive and face Voldemort.
Harry: Wow, I have the best friends ever.
Hermione: By the way, when do you think we’ll be getting the results of our OWLs?
Harry: Any day, probably.
[Sure enough, the exams arrive that very day]
Harry: Wow, except for Astronomy, Divination, and History, which I never liked, I got Exceeds Expectations or above in everything! All this despite putting no work whatsoever into my studies! Hooray for being the main character!
Ron: Wish I could be so lucky….
Hermione: Oh, I only got Exceeds Expectations on Defense against the Dark Arts! Woe is me! Surely I Deserved Outstandings on everything!
Harry: Oh, come off it! …Say, my Potions grade isn’t high enough to qualify for NEWT levels. Does this mean I’m not qualified to become an auror? But why?! It’s my destiny to face down Voldemort; why can’t I have what I waaaaaant?!
A/N: Okay, is it me or is this chapter rather pointless. Seriously, all that happens in it is, Harry reunites with his friends (and Fleur), and then they're all rude about Fleur for no good reason.