Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 4
[Harry and Dumbledore take off down the street]
Dumbledore: So, Harry, I take it you can’t apparate?
Harry: What does that mean? I can’t understand big words like that.
Dumbledore: …Never mind. Just hold onto me.
Harry: [Gasps] Are you…are you giving me permission to…touch you?!
Dumbledore: Well yes, obviously.
Harry: Oooh, Duuuuumbledoooore…. [Glomps Dumbledore] You’re so warm, and so strong. [Deep breaths]
Dumbledore: …That’ll do. [Apparates to a distant village]
Dumbledore: …Harry, we’re here. You can let go of me now.
Harry: Won’t you let me touch you for just a little longer, Master?
Dumbledore: Certainly not! We’re here on business!
Harry: Fine, fine. [Reluctantly lets go]
[They set off down the street]
Dumbledore: By the way, has your scar been hurting?
Harry: No, no it hasn’t.
Dumbledore: It would seem Voldemort no longer wants to be inside your mind.
Harry: Oh, good! Now he’ll leave me alone?!
Dumbledore: Well…maybe. But don’t get your hopes up.
Harry: So why are we in this village, anyway?
Dumbledore: We’re retrieving an old colleague of mine, Horace Slughorn.
Harry: Horace Slutborn?
Dumbledore: Close enough.
Harry: Why didn’t you just apparate into his house?
Dumbledore: Well, that would be quite rude, not to allow him the option of refusing.
Harry: You didn’t ask my family for permission.
Dumbledore: They’re muggles-we don’t have to respect them!
Harry: Point taken. Anyway, did you hear that Cornelia Fuck has been replaced as Minister of Magic?
Dumbledore: Oh, yes, I know all about that.
Harry: Well…I don’t know if his replacement is supposed to be any better.
Dumbledore: That’s alright-I can always manipulate things from behind the scenes! [Pauses] Did I say that out loud?
Harry: By the way, your hand looks all broken and burnt.
Dumbledore: Oh, that. You’ll have to wait to find out about it.
Harry: Until the most crucial moment?
Dumbledore: Precisely.
Harry: Will I at least know by the time the book is over?
Dumbledore: …Maybe….
Harry: Aargh! [Reflects for a moment] By the way, I saw the term inferi come up in one of the articles I read. I don’t understand big words like that. What does it mean?
Dumbledore: Oh, inferi are reanimated corpses. Simple, really. Muggles call them zombies and for some reason think they originated on the island of Haiti.
Harry: Oh, wow! That is so creepy!
Dumbledore: I know. Isn’t this series so dark, man?
Harry: Yes, yes it is!
[They come to a disheveled old house, which looks like someone has been killed inside…]
Dumbledore: Oh Slughorn! Are you here?!
Armchair: Yes, yes, it’s me. What do you want?
Dumbledore: Show yourself!
Slughorn: [Shows himself] Happy now?
Dumbledore: You’ve been faking your death, haven’t you?
Slughorn: Well, yes. I figured it would be good practice in case the Death Eaters ever came to call.
Dumbledore: You even used fake blood, I see.
Slughorn: Fake blood? No, that blood came from a dragon.
Dumbledore: Oh, well. One less dragon for us to worry about.
Slughorn: It’s so magical it can be reused. Watch! [Magics blood back into a crystal bottle]
Harry: So you’re Mr. Slutborn?
Slughorn: [Facepalm] I can see Dumbledore here has been filling you in. For some reason nobody he’s ever introduced to me has gotten my name right. Well, who might you be?
Harry: I’m Harry Potter, the main character of this series!
Slughorn: Oh, you are, are you? Don’t worry, I’ll be really nice to you. And you’ll give me lots of screen time in return, yes?
Harry: You’re creepy.
Slughorn: I know. It’s my best quality.
Harry: [Shudders]
Slughorn: Anyway, Dumbledore, if this is about Hogwarts, I don’t want to go back there.
Dumbledore: You say that but you don’t mean it. Come, let’s have a drink.
Slughorn: Very well. [He grabs drinks and serves them to Dumbledore and Harry]
Harry: Dumbledore, what’s that strange ring on your finger?
Dumbledore: Oh, it’s a plot-important ring. It’ll be yours when the time comes.
Harry: That’s not fair! You can tell me more than that!
Dumbledore: I can, but why should I? I said, you’ll find out when the time comes!
Harry: [Sulks]
Slughorn: Well…anyway, I’m not going to work at Hogwarts. Can’t I enjoy my retirement in peace?
Dumbledore: Tell me how you’ve managed to escape being recruited by Death Eaters.
Slughorn: I’ve been moving around. I take up residence in muggle houses while their owners are away.
Harry: They let you stay in their houses?!
Slughorn: I don’t tell them I’m staying there.
Dumbledore: You wouldn’t have to move around so much if you came to Hogwarts.
Slughorn: And go to a school with you and Harry Potter?! I might as well send the Death Eaters a message saying, “Come hold me hostage!”
Dumbledore: You’re being difficult. I don’t like difficult people. I think I’ll go to the bathroom.
Slughorn: Be my guest. Just get out of my sight.
[Dumbledore leaves]
Slughorn: By the way, did you know I knew your mother and father?
Harry: [Squirms] Knew as in the biblical sense?
Slughorn: [Shocked] Oh, no! Nothing like that! It’s just…your mother was one of my favorite students. She was so talented for a muggleborn.
Harry: I’ll have you know that muggleborns can be just as talented as purebloods! Why, my friend’s more talented than me, and I’m a pureblood while she’s a muggleborn!
Slughorn: So they can. Did you know that I’m the main point of contact for most muggleborns who end up well-connected and successful? I am! And some purebloods too! And did I mention all the free stuff I get?! I love it! It’s so good to be me!
Harry: Eew! You disgusting opportunist! Real men wait for great things to be bestowed upon them by authorial fiat!
Slughorn: Well that’s not very nice….
Harry: Anyway, why in the hell won’t you just come to Hogwarts to teach? Don’t you think Dumbledore will keep you safe?
Slughorn: And if I don’t want to swear allegiance to Dumbledore, or give the appearance of doing the same?
Harry: Aha! I knew it, you’re a dirty, stinking coward! Why, I’ll bet you’re a…a…a Slytherin! So there!
Slughorn: [Facepalm] You are truly Dumbledore’s pupil.
[Dumbledore returns]
Dumbledore: You called?
Harry: Dumbledore! My angel! Are we leaving this creepy slimy Slytherin behind yet?!
Slughorn: What took you so long anyway? It’s almost as if you moved out of the picture just so I could give this boy exposition uninterrupted.
Dumbledore: You know me so well. So, Harry, shall we go? It’s not good for you to be around cowardly slimy Slytherins for long stretches.
Slughorn: I am not a coward, you asshole! Just for that, I accept your position! I will be the best teacher you have ever seen!
Dumbledore: Oh, good. That works out!
[He and Harry leave]
Harry: Dumbledore, why are you hiring such a disgusting, slimy Slytherin? He’s racist against muggleborns! He had the nerve to act surprised that my mother was just as good a witch as any pureblood!
Dumbledore: Oh, he’s really quite useful. Even if he does have a vaguely sexual-predator like air about him and a tendency to single out and isolate students he thinks he can make famous and reap rewards from. But he’s a good person, really! Just don’t let him add you to his personal collection of dolls to play with and suck dry.
Harry: Like, how comforting!
[They apparate to just outside the Burrow…]
Dumbledore: By the way, before you go inside to greet people, I just wanted to ask you how well you’ve been coping with Sirius’s death. Isn’t it awful that you couldn’t spend more time together?
Harry: Well…yes it is…but…I’ve been coping the best I can…and…stuff…. [Shudders with sobs] And…I realize I could be next…but…but…I’ll take down the Death Eaters with me! [Bursts into tears]
Dumbledore: Spoken like a true Gryffindor! Anyway, how does the stuff you’ve been seeing about you in the Daily Prophet make you feel?
Harry: Well…they’re calling me the Chosen One. Do you think they know about the prophecy?
Dumbledore: That’s impossible. Only you and Voldemort know the contents of the prophecy. Well, and myself, of course.
Harry: Great, then I’ll tell no one else. It’ll be my secret!
Dumbledore: You can tell your friends, you know.
Harry: Really? I had no idea!
Dumbledore: Yeah. Don’t think you have to face this alone.
Harry: I don’t understand what you just said, but alright.
Dumbledore: Oh, and one last thing-you and I will be having secret lessons from now on. I want to make sure you understand where the plot of this series is going, and now I can see that nobody but me is capable of getting it through to you.
Harry: Hooray!
Dumbledore: Great, great. Now, let’s go inside and greet your friends!
Dumbledore: So, Harry, I take it you can’t apparate?
Harry: What does that mean? I can’t understand big words like that.
Dumbledore: …Never mind. Just hold onto me.
Harry: [Gasps] Are you…are you giving me permission to…touch you?!
Dumbledore: Well yes, obviously.
Harry: Oooh, Duuuuumbledoooore…. [Glomps Dumbledore] You’re so warm, and so strong. [Deep breaths]
Dumbledore: …That’ll do. [Apparates to a distant village]
Dumbledore: …Harry, we’re here. You can let go of me now.
Harry: Won’t you let me touch you for just a little longer, Master?
Dumbledore: Certainly not! We’re here on business!
Harry: Fine, fine. [Reluctantly lets go]
[They set off down the street]
Dumbledore: By the way, has your scar been hurting?
Harry: No, no it hasn’t.
Dumbledore: It would seem Voldemort no longer wants to be inside your mind.
Harry: Oh, good! Now he’ll leave me alone?!
Dumbledore: Well…maybe. But don’t get your hopes up.
Harry: So why are we in this village, anyway?
Dumbledore: We’re retrieving an old colleague of mine, Horace Slughorn.
Harry: Horace Slutborn?
Dumbledore: Close enough.
Harry: Why didn’t you just apparate into his house?
Dumbledore: Well, that would be quite rude, not to allow him the option of refusing.
Harry: You didn’t ask my family for permission.
Dumbledore: They’re muggles-we don’t have to respect them!
Harry: Point taken. Anyway, did you hear that Cornelia Fuck has been replaced as Minister of Magic?
Dumbledore: Oh, yes, I know all about that.
Harry: Well…I don’t know if his replacement is supposed to be any better.
Dumbledore: That’s alright-I can always manipulate things from behind the scenes! [Pauses] Did I say that out loud?
Harry: By the way, your hand looks all broken and burnt.
Dumbledore: Oh, that. You’ll have to wait to find out about it.
Harry: Until the most crucial moment?
Dumbledore: Precisely.
Harry: Will I at least know by the time the book is over?
Dumbledore: …Maybe….
Harry: Aargh! [Reflects for a moment] By the way, I saw the term inferi come up in one of the articles I read. I don’t understand big words like that. What does it mean?
Dumbledore: Oh, inferi are reanimated corpses. Simple, really. Muggles call them zombies and for some reason think they originated on the island of Haiti.
Harry: Oh, wow! That is so creepy!
Dumbledore: I know. Isn’t this series so dark, man?
Harry: Yes, yes it is!
[They come to a disheveled old house, which looks like someone has been killed inside…]
Dumbledore: Oh Slughorn! Are you here?!
Armchair: Yes, yes, it’s me. What do you want?
Dumbledore: Show yourself!
Slughorn: [Shows himself] Happy now?
Dumbledore: You’ve been faking your death, haven’t you?
Slughorn: Well, yes. I figured it would be good practice in case the Death Eaters ever came to call.
Dumbledore: You even used fake blood, I see.
Slughorn: Fake blood? No, that blood came from a dragon.
Dumbledore: Oh, well. One less dragon for us to worry about.
Slughorn: It’s so magical it can be reused. Watch! [Magics blood back into a crystal bottle]
Harry: So you’re Mr. Slutborn?
Slughorn: [Facepalm] I can see Dumbledore here has been filling you in. For some reason nobody he’s ever introduced to me has gotten my name right. Well, who might you be?
Harry: I’m Harry Potter, the main character of this series!
Slughorn: Oh, you are, are you? Don’t worry, I’ll be really nice to you. And you’ll give me lots of screen time in return, yes?
Harry: You’re creepy.
Slughorn: I know. It’s my best quality.
Harry: [Shudders]
Slughorn: Anyway, Dumbledore, if this is about Hogwarts, I don’t want to go back there.
Dumbledore: You say that but you don’t mean it. Come, let’s have a drink.
Slughorn: Very well. [He grabs drinks and serves them to Dumbledore and Harry]
Harry: Dumbledore, what’s that strange ring on your finger?
Dumbledore: Oh, it’s a plot-important ring. It’ll be yours when the time comes.
Harry: That’s not fair! You can tell me more than that!
Dumbledore: I can, but why should I? I said, you’ll find out when the time comes!
Harry: [Sulks]
Slughorn: Well…anyway, I’m not going to work at Hogwarts. Can’t I enjoy my retirement in peace?
Dumbledore: Tell me how you’ve managed to escape being recruited by Death Eaters.
Slughorn: I’ve been moving around. I take up residence in muggle houses while their owners are away.
Harry: They let you stay in their houses?!
Slughorn: I don’t tell them I’m staying there.
Dumbledore: You wouldn’t have to move around so much if you came to Hogwarts.
Slughorn: And go to a school with you and Harry Potter?! I might as well send the Death Eaters a message saying, “Come hold me hostage!”
Dumbledore: You’re being difficult. I don’t like difficult people. I think I’ll go to the bathroom.
Slughorn: Be my guest. Just get out of my sight.
[Dumbledore leaves]
Slughorn: By the way, did you know I knew your mother and father?
Harry: [Squirms] Knew as in the biblical sense?
Slughorn: [Shocked] Oh, no! Nothing like that! It’s just…your mother was one of my favorite students. She was so talented for a muggleborn.
Harry: I’ll have you know that muggleborns can be just as talented as purebloods! Why, my friend’s more talented than me, and I’m a pureblood while she’s a muggleborn!
Slughorn: So they can. Did you know that I’m the main point of contact for most muggleborns who end up well-connected and successful? I am! And some purebloods too! And did I mention all the free stuff I get?! I love it! It’s so good to be me!
Harry: Eew! You disgusting opportunist! Real men wait for great things to be bestowed upon them by authorial fiat!
Slughorn: Well that’s not very nice….
Harry: Anyway, why in the hell won’t you just come to Hogwarts to teach? Don’t you think Dumbledore will keep you safe?
Slughorn: And if I don’t want to swear allegiance to Dumbledore, or give the appearance of doing the same?
Harry: Aha! I knew it, you’re a dirty, stinking coward! Why, I’ll bet you’re a…a…a Slytherin! So there!
Slughorn: [Facepalm] You are truly Dumbledore’s pupil.
[Dumbledore returns]
Dumbledore: You called?
Harry: Dumbledore! My angel! Are we leaving this creepy slimy Slytherin behind yet?!
Slughorn: What took you so long anyway? It’s almost as if you moved out of the picture just so I could give this boy exposition uninterrupted.
Dumbledore: You know me so well. So, Harry, shall we go? It’s not good for you to be around cowardly slimy Slytherins for long stretches.
Slughorn: I am not a coward, you asshole! Just for that, I accept your position! I will be the best teacher you have ever seen!
Dumbledore: Oh, good. That works out!
[He and Harry leave]
Harry: Dumbledore, why are you hiring such a disgusting, slimy Slytherin? He’s racist against muggleborns! He had the nerve to act surprised that my mother was just as good a witch as any pureblood!
Dumbledore: Oh, he’s really quite useful. Even if he does have a vaguely sexual-predator like air about him and a tendency to single out and isolate students he thinks he can make famous and reap rewards from. But he’s a good person, really! Just don’t let him add you to his personal collection of dolls to play with and suck dry.
Harry: Like, how comforting!
[They apparate to just outside the Burrow…]
Dumbledore: By the way, before you go inside to greet people, I just wanted to ask you how well you’ve been coping with Sirius’s death. Isn’t it awful that you couldn’t spend more time together?
Harry: Well…yes it is…but…I’ve been coping the best I can…and…stuff…. [Shudders with sobs] And…I realize I could be next…but…but…I’ll take down the Death Eaters with me! [Bursts into tears]
Dumbledore: Spoken like a true Gryffindor! Anyway, how does the stuff you’ve been seeing about you in the Daily Prophet make you feel?
Harry: Well…they’re calling me the Chosen One. Do you think they know about the prophecy?
Dumbledore: That’s impossible. Only you and Voldemort know the contents of the prophecy. Well, and myself, of course.
Harry: Great, then I’ll tell no one else. It’ll be my secret!
Dumbledore: You can tell your friends, you know.
Harry: Really? I had no idea!
Dumbledore: Yeah. Don’t think you have to face this alone.
Harry: I don’t understand what you just said, but alright.
Dumbledore: Oh, and one last thing-you and I will be having secret lessons from now on. I want to make sure you understand where the plot of this series is going, and now I can see that nobody but me is capable of getting it through to you.
Harry: Hooray!
Dumbledore: Great, great. Now, let’s go inside and greet your friends!