Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 3
[We find Harry sitting in a very messy room]
Harry: I’d clean up but I’m too busy scanning the newspaper for articles about how right I was about everything and how those who doubted me were stupid meanieheads. Oh, look-there’s an article who says I’m the Chosen One. Awesome! Finally I’m getting the main-character recognition I deserve! [Turns page] Oh, and Cornelia Fuck has been succeeded by some man named Scrimgeour. It says here that he’s an utter incompetent who’s capital at spells that zap and blast enemies but usually hits everything but the target. Oh, well, as long as he pays me all due respect…. [Turns page] Oh, and there’s going to be some new security measures imposed at my school, and just in general. Waaaaaaah! They’re trying to limit my fuuuuuuuun! [Scoops up a random letter] Oh, but Dumbledore said I’d get to spend the rest of the summer at the Burrow! Hooray! …I sure hope it isn’t some sort of trap….
[But just then, he hears Dumbledore talking to his aunt and uncle!]
Harry: Hooray! My angel has come to rescue me from this awful place! [Goes downstairs]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, I’ve come to take Harry away and there’s nothing you stupid muggles can do about it! [notices Harry] Oh, hello, Harry, you’re here too!
Aunt Petunia: Oh, you…!
Dumbledore: Oh, yes, it’s you. The one I wrote that mysterious letter of mysteriousness to.
Aunt Petunia: Er…what?
Dumbledore: You know what!
Aunt Petunia: Oh, yeah, that time--!
Dumbledore: Silence! Harry must not learn of this super important detail until the crucial moment!
Aunt Petunia: You’re no fun….
Dudley: Aaaagh! Not you again!
Dumbledore: Silence, peasant! Stupid muggle teenagers like you should be seen and not heard!
Dudley: [Cries]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, I don’t want to disturb your relatives-
Uncle Vernon: It’s too late for that….
Dumbledore: Silence!
Uncle Vernon: [Seethes]
Dumbledore: First thing’s first: I’m thirsty. [Summons a bottle of mead, which he pours for everyone to drink]
Aunt Petunia: Don’t drink the mead, Dudley dear.
Dudley: That’s fine by me-I don’t want it.
Dumbledore: You will drink my superior wizard’s mead and you will like it, you vermin!
Aunt Petunia and Dudley: [Cry]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, Harry, now that your dogfather’s dead, he’s left you everything he owns-including Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.
Harry: What? I don’t want that ratty old house!
Dumbledore: Well, would you rather it be given to Bellatrix Lestrange?
Harry: Agh! No! Anyone but her!
Dumbledore: Well, we’re still trying to work out the details-including whether someone who wasn’t a direct descendent of the Black family could inherit it at all. But we can’t move back to the house until we work out all the fine print. In the meantime, though, you’ve also inherited Kreacher, the Black family’s racist house elf! That reminds me-Kreacher, come meet your new master!
[Kreacher appears]
Uncle Vernon: What the hell is that, and why did you have to bring it here?!
Kreacher: I could say the same thing about you!
Dumbledore: Anyway, we’re just going to determine whether or not you actually have ownership over him.
Aunt Petunia: Do you have to do this in our house?!
Dumbledore: Oh, please-as if a pathetic muggle such as yourself could do anything to stop me!
Aunt Petunia: [Cries]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, Harry, just give him an order. If he obeys, we’ll know he belongs to you now.
Kreacher: But I don’t wanna serve him!
Harry: You take that back!
Kreacher: Grrr…fine, I’ll serve you if I must….
Dumbledore: There you have it! You are now the true owner of Kreacher!
Harry: But I don’t want him either!
Dumbledore: Remember Bellatrix Lestrange….
Harry: …Oh! Well…better me than her, I suppose….
Dumbledore: Anyway, you don’t have to keep him with you-you could always tell him to work in the Hogwarts kitchens. That way you’ll know how to find him once you’ve found some use for him.
Harry: Good idea! Kreacher, go work in the Hogwarts kitchens!
Kreacher: If it’ll get me away from you, I’ll gladly go.
Harry: And don’t poison anyone!
Kreacher: Whatever. So long, losers! [Departs]
Dumbledore: Oh, and you’ve also acquired Buckbeak, though I suppose you’d rather he stay with Hagrid?
Harry: Oh, yes. If I tried to take care of a Hippogriff he’d be dead within a week!
Dumbledore: Alright, now that’s settled! So, Harry, pack your things and we’ll go off!
Harry: Gladly! [Runs upstairs and packs]
Dumbledore: Anyway, as for you muggles, I’m extremely disappointed in you. I know Harry has to live here for his own protection, but you have treated him with nothing but cruelty and abuse. Fortunately you have not screwed him up as badly as your own son, but that’s a very low bar to clear, as I’m sure you’re aware.
Aunt Petunia: What do you know about how we raise our son?!
Dumbledore: Oh, I know enough. Anyway, Harry will be coming of age when he turns seventeen, so by then, at least, he will be off your hands. But never mind that how-Harry, it’s time for us to go. [Sticks up two fingers at the Dursleys]
Harry: Right away, Sir! [Copies Dumbledore]
[They leave]
Harry: I’d clean up but I’m too busy scanning the newspaper for articles about how right I was about everything and how those who doubted me were stupid meanieheads. Oh, look-there’s an article who says I’m the Chosen One. Awesome! Finally I’m getting the main-character recognition I deserve! [Turns page] Oh, and Cornelia Fuck has been succeeded by some man named Scrimgeour. It says here that he’s an utter incompetent who’s capital at spells that zap and blast enemies but usually hits everything but the target. Oh, well, as long as he pays me all due respect…. [Turns page] Oh, and there’s going to be some new security measures imposed at my school, and just in general. Waaaaaaah! They’re trying to limit my fuuuuuuuun! [Scoops up a random letter] Oh, but Dumbledore said I’d get to spend the rest of the summer at the Burrow! Hooray! …I sure hope it isn’t some sort of trap….
[But just then, he hears Dumbledore talking to his aunt and uncle!]
Harry: Hooray! My angel has come to rescue me from this awful place! [Goes downstairs]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, I’ve come to take Harry away and there’s nothing you stupid muggles can do about it! [notices Harry] Oh, hello, Harry, you’re here too!
Aunt Petunia: Oh, you…!
Dumbledore: Oh, yes, it’s you. The one I wrote that mysterious letter of mysteriousness to.
Aunt Petunia: Er…what?
Dumbledore: You know what!
Aunt Petunia: Oh, yeah, that time--!
Dumbledore: Silence! Harry must not learn of this super important detail until the crucial moment!
Aunt Petunia: You’re no fun….
Dudley: Aaaagh! Not you again!
Dumbledore: Silence, peasant! Stupid muggle teenagers like you should be seen and not heard!
Dudley: [Cries]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, I don’t want to disturb your relatives-
Uncle Vernon: It’s too late for that….
Dumbledore: Silence!
Uncle Vernon: [Seethes]
Dumbledore: First thing’s first: I’m thirsty. [Summons a bottle of mead, which he pours for everyone to drink]
Aunt Petunia: Don’t drink the mead, Dudley dear.
Dudley: That’s fine by me-I don’t want it.
Dumbledore: You will drink my superior wizard’s mead and you will like it, you vermin!
Aunt Petunia and Dudley: [Cry]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, Harry, now that your dogfather’s dead, he’s left you everything he owns-including Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.
Harry: What? I don’t want that ratty old house!
Dumbledore: Well, would you rather it be given to Bellatrix Lestrange?
Harry: Agh! No! Anyone but her!
Dumbledore: Well, we’re still trying to work out the details-including whether someone who wasn’t a direct descendent of the Black family could inherit it at all. But we can’t move back to the house until we work out all the fine print. In the meantime, though, you’ve also inherited Kreacher, the Black family’s racist house elf! That reminds me-Kreacher, come meet your new master!
[Kreacher appears]
Uncle Vernon: What the hell is that, and why did you have to bring it here?!
Kreacher: I could say the same thing about you!
Dumbledore: Anyway, we’re just going to determine whether or not you actually have ownership over him.
Aunt Petunia: Do you have to do this in our house?!
Dumbledore: Oh, please-as if a pathetic muggle such as yourself could do anything to stop me!
Aunt Petunia: [Cries]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, Harry, just give him an order. If he obeys, we’ll know he belongs to you now.
Kreacher: But I don’t wanna serve him!
Harry: You take that back!
Kreacher: Grrr…fine, I’ll serve you if I must….
Dumbledore: There you have it! You are now the true owner of Kreacher!
Harry: But I don’t want him either!
Dumbledore: Remember Bellatrix Lestrange….
Harry: …Oh! Well…better me than her, I suppose….
Dumbledore: Anyway, you don’t have to keep him with you-you could always tell him to work in the Hogwarts kitchens. That way you’ll know how to find him once you’ve found some use for him.
Harry: Good idea! Kreacher, go work in the Hogwarts kitchens!
Kreacher: If it’ll get me away from you, I’ll gladly go.
Harry: And don’t poison anyone!
Kreacher: Whatever. So long, losers! [Departs]
Dumbledore: Oh, and you’ve also acquired Buckbeak, though I suppose you’d rather he stay with Hagrid?
Harry: Oh, yes. If I tried to take care of a Hippogriff he’d be dead within a week!
Dumbledore: Alright, now that’s settled! So, Harry, pack your things and we’ll go off!
Harry: Gladly! [Runs upstairs and packs]
Dumbledore: Anyway, as for you muggles, I’m extremely disappointed in you. I know Harry has to live here for his own protection, but you have treated him with nothing but cruelty and abuse. Fortunately you have not screwed him up as badly as your own son, but that’s a very low bar to clear, as I’m sure you’re aware.
Aunt Petunia: What do you know about how we raise our son?!
Dumbledore: Oh, I know enough. Anyway, Harry will be coming of age when he turns seventeen, so by then, at least, he will be off your hands. But never mind that how-Harry, it’s time for us to go. [Sticks up two fingers at the Dursleys]
Harry: Right away, Sir! [Copies Dumbledore]
[They leave]