Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 7
[Over the next several days, Harry continues to ponder Draco’s strange behavior]
Harry: I just don’t understand-what does he want fixed, and what does he want reserved?
Hermione: Harry, you’re obsessed. It’s not healthy. You should be finding something more constructive to occupy your time with.
Harry: Obsessed? Draco’s acting suspicious and you tell me I’m obsessed? He’s probably out for revenge now that his father’s been locked up.
Ron: But how could he possibly hope to get revenge for that? In fact, what on earth would he even do for revenge?!
Harry: Aha! I’ll bet Draco’s become a Death Eater in his father’s place!
Ron: What?! How on earth could someone who’s not even able to legally use magic outside of school be a Death Eater?!
Hermione: He has a point. What makes you think he’s a Death Eater? Do you have proof?
Harry: You don’t need proof if you’ve got instinct. Draco is a Death Eater and he’s planning to do evil Death Eater things this very year!
Ron: Harry, remember what happened the last time you got like this?
Hermione: It was just last book, you know.
Harry: This time is different, I know it! I’ll prove to you I’m right! [Walks away in a huff]
[He goes to the kitchen, where he runs into Bill and Fleur]
Fleur: So, anyway, I’ve decided Jenny and Gabrielle can be bridesmaids at our wedding, and they can wear gold.
Mrs. Weasley: Her name is Ginny you stupid French person!
Fleur: …I’ll keep that in mind….
Mrs. Weasley: Now that you’re here, I just thought I’d let you know that we’ll be taking the same cars to the Platform tomorrow when you leave for Hogwarts. Oh, and Tonks won’t be there.
Harry: Did I say anything about Tonks?
Fleur: The last time I saw her she looked terrible. Takes a woman to know.
Mrs. Weasley: Well compared to you everyone looks terrible, so keep your mouth shut about my friends!
[The next day, they depart quickly]
Ginny: Look at my new Pygmy Puff! His name’s Arnold! Isn’t he precious?!
[Their auror guards escort them over the barrier…]
Harry: Ron, Hermione, do you want to sit with me?
Hermione: We’re supposed to patrol. Have you forgotten that?
Harry: Oh, right. Say, can I have a word with Mr. Weasley?
Mr. Weasley: At your service.
Harry: Good. I have something to tell you in private.
[He and Mr. Weasley sneak off where they won’t be overheard]
Harry: Listen, I saw Draco Malfoy in Borgin and Burkes while we were exploring Diagon Alley. He wants something fixed and reserved in that store. Also I think he’s become a Death Eater!
Mr. Weasley: Harry, don’t you think you’re overreacting? A Malfoy can go into Knockturne Alley, it’s a free country.
Harry: But he’s definitely plotting something sinister! I saw him acting really, really creepy and suspicious!
Mr. Weasley: Harry, we raided Lucius Malfoy’s home after the arrest and confiscated anything suspicious we could find.
Harry: What if you didn’t get everything?!
Mr. Weasley: Well, it’s possible, but then again, anything’s possible. You might be eaten by a Thestral but I don’t think that’s terribly likely.
Harry: Aargh! You adults are so frustrating!
Mr. Weasley: Anyway, you really should be catching the train.
Harry: Good thinking. [Runs off to catch the train]
[Once in the cabin, Harry notices people staring at him. Eventually he comes upon Ginny]
Harry: Ginny, Ginny, do you want to find a place to sit together?
Ginny: Sorry, but I promised Dean Thomas I’d meet him.
Harry: What does that black muggleborn side character have that I don’t!?
Ginny: He’s my boyfriend, you dummy! Find your own cabin! [Leaves Harry alone]
[But just then, Neville and Luna approach]
Harry: If it isn’t Navel and Luna!
Neville: [Facepalm] How many times do I have to tell you my name’s Neville?!
Luna: Seriously. Do you deliberately get his name wrong just to torment him?
Harry: Deliberately torment him? Why, I’ve got the most tender heart in all the world!
Neville: Honestly, you’re impossible. But, I got a new wand recently! It’s a manly wand made of unicorn hair and cherry wood!
Harry: If you could call that manly….
Neville: It was one of the last wands Ollivander sold before he vanished! Just in case you were concerned that I’d have to make do with a substandard wand….
Luna: So are we still having DA meetings?
Harry: What’s the point? Now that Umbridge is gone, I can’t possibly think of any reason why having a student group get together to discuss defense against the Dark Arts could possibly be useful!
Luna: Such a shame. My only friends were the club’s members.
Neville: Well, look on the bright side-you still have us!
[But just then, there comes a knock from outside the cabin door, which Harry opens to reveal a whole crowd of fourteen-year-old girls]
Girl: Hello, Harry! My name is Romilda Vane! Did I ever tell you that I think you’re so sexy?!
Harry: Sorry, I don’t think I know you.
Romilda Vane: That’s not nice! I prepared a surprise welcome just for you!
Harry: AAAAAAAAGH!
Neville: What the hell was that?!
Luna: Probably just some stupid popular girl who thinks she’s entitled to Harry’s time and attention because of how important he is.
Harry: Well fuck her! I’d much rather hang around with you losers, because you’ve stuck by me through thick and thin. That way I’ll look so much more loving and magnanimous!
Luna: Thanks for that….
[They sit down together]
Harry: You know, I just remembered-Dumbledore said the prophecy applied to Navel as well. Could it be that Navel would have been the one born to die, if Voldemort hadn’t come after me first? Would his mother have been willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to save him? …Well, no doubt she would have, but would she have been as successful as my totally awesome mother was? Perhaps he would have simply died, and the prophecy would have come true-
Neville: Harry, I can hear you! And stop calling me Navel!
Luna: You are one creepy guy.
[After a time, Ron and Hermione enter the cabin as well]
Ron: Harry, you want to know something strange?
Harry: What is it?
Ron: It’s Draco. He hasn’t been making his rounds as a prefect to bully students!
Harry: Draco is passing up a chance to torment the other students?! That’s so very odd! I must investigate!
[But before he can make good on that, a third-year girl enters, passing Harry and Neville invitations]
Neville: Who is the person who gave these to us?
Harry: Oh, just our new teacher, Mr. Slutborn.
Neville: [Giggles] But…why would he invite me to anything?
Harry: I don’t know, but…we might as well humor him. Maybe we can spot Draco along the way.
[However, as they head to Slughorn’s cabin they don’t see Draco]
Slughorn: Oh, there you two are! I know Harry, of course-and you must be Neville Longbottom.
Neville: Yes, Sir. That’s me!
Slughorn: Fantastic! I’m Professor Horace Slughorn-
Neville: I thought…. [pause] Never mind.
Slughorn: Well, then, now that everyone’s started, we can begin! I’d like the two of you to meet Blaise Zabini, Cormac McLaggen, and Marcus Belby. And Ginny Weasley, who tells me she already knows you.
Harry: Blaise Zabini! That Slytherin!
Zabini: Yes, it’s me. Why are you so surprised?
Harry: Well…you’re black!
Zabini: [Facepalm] You didn’t know that?! I’m in your year!
Harry: Er…that is to say…I….
Slughorn: Er…can we try to keep things pleasant, here?
Zabini: He’s the one who started it.
Slughorn: Don’t be immature children. Now, Belby, I like you. Have some pheasant. [Hands a leg of pheasant to Belby] So, anyway, I heard your uncle invented Wolfsbane potion?
Belby: Well…he did…but my parents don’t get along with him, so I know nothing about what he’s been up to recently.
Slughorn: Good, good. Cormac, did you by any chance go hunting Nogtails with your uncle with Rufus Scrimgeour?
Cormac: Why yes I did. Although if you want my honest opinion, Scrimgeour was terrible. He hit everything but the Nogtails!
Slughorn: Good, good. Zabini, I heard you have a famously beautiful mother whose husbands keep dying and leaving her with money.
Zabini: Exactly. That’s where I got my good looks and charm from.
Slughorn: I’ll say you have good looks and charm.
Zabini: Part of me is flattered and yet part of me is slightly uncomfortable.
Slughorn: And you, Neville-you have famous parents too, right?
Neville: I’d rather not talk about that.
Slughorn: Oh, come on! At least tell me how that makes you feel!
Neville: No! I refuse!
Slughorn: Do you perhaps feel undervalued by them?
Neville: Well, not them, but everyone else in my family. They-they always look down on me and disparage me for not living up to their expectations! [Cries]
Slughorn: There, there. I can make sure you’re as well-connected and successful as you want to be.
Neville: Oh, please! You’re not even the main character! You’re just a creepy pervert whose name Harry can’t even get right! [Cries]
Slughorn: Well this is awkward…. [Turns to Harry] So, Harry, what do you think of the fact that people are calling you the Chosen One now?
Zabini: Ha! Chosen one! That is so lame!
Ginny: Don’t you dare make fun of my future husband, you slimy Slytherin!
Cormac: Er…aren’t you already dating someone?
Ginny: Well…yes…but…he doesn’t need to know that! [Sulks]
Harry: Well…I rather think the Daily Prophet’s just made up a lot of shit in order to sound cool.
Slughorn: …I suppose that’s possible.
Ginny: No, he’s absolutely right. It’s all just the Prophet making shit up.
Slughorn: Alright, then.
[Harry and the others spend the rest of the afternoon in Slughorn’s cabin. He eventually dismisses them as the sun begins to set.]
Harry: So, Ginny, why did he invite you?
Ginny: That stupid, pathetic Hufflepuff Zacharias Smith was pestering me about what happened at the Ministry, so I hexed him with a spell I made up and it caught Slughorn’s attention.
Harry: Wow, Ginny! Truly you and I are meant to be!
Ginny: Don’t remind me.
Harry: Say, I just thought of something. Zabini’s a Slytherin sixth-year. Do you think if we follow him he’ll lead us to Draco?
Neville: Er…what’s that got to do with anything?
Harry: Never mind. I’ll explain it all later. [Throws on cloak]
Ginny: Whatever.
[Neville and Ginny return to their own cabins]
[Harry follows Zabini down the hallway, eventually getting his foot caught in the doorway as he enters his cabin]
Zabini: …What? I was sure this thing closed properly.
[Harry pries the door open, causing Zabini to fall on top of Goyle, and takes advantage of the confusion to climb up into the luggage rack]
Goyle: What was that all about?
Zabini: I suspect someone’s hiding here. Maybe they’re invisible.
Draco: I’ll bet I know who it is.
Zabini: Who?
Draco: It doesn’t matter-we don’t have to talk about anything he’d actually want to know. So, anyway, Zabini, what did that new teacher want from you?
Zabini: Not much. He just wanted to meet people from famous families.
Draco: Who else was there?
Zabini: Harry Potter, as well as his friends Jenny Weasley and Neville Longbottom.
Draco: Huh. Harry I can understand-but Navel? And Ginny?
Zabini: Don’t ask me-I don’t know what motivates that guy.
Draco: If he’s interested in famous families why in the hell didn’t he invite me?
Zabini: Maybe because your father’s in jail? I know Nott had the same problem.
Draco: Well, it matters little. You know, next year I might not even be at Hogwarts!
Pansy: Really? And why might that be, o darling Draco?
Draco: Isn’t it obvious?
Pansy: You don’t mean--?
Draco: Oh, yes I do. For some stupid reason my mother wants me to complete my education. I can’t imagine why, though-it’s not like the Dark Lord is going to care about my OWLs or NEWTs.
Harry: Oh my god! Draco really is a Death Eater!
Zabini: I know that voice!
Draco: I knew it. He is here. But…never mind that now, let’s just change into our robes.
[The Slytherins all grab their trunks and put their robes on]
Goyle: We’d better start heading toward the exit.
Draco: You lot go ahead-there’s something I want to take care of first.
[Goyle, Zabini, and Pansy leave]
Draco: Now, as for you, Harry Potter-Petrificus totalus!
[The spell hits Harry and he falls]
Harry: You bastard! How long have you known I was here?!
Draco: The entire time. But it matters little-the train will be back in London before anyone even notices you’re here! Bwahahahaha! [Throws Invisibility Cloak on top of Harry and walks out]
As an added bonus, have a picture of Ginny with a giant Arnold!
Harry: I just don’t understand-what does he want fixed, and what does he want reserved?
Hermione: Harry, you’re obsessed. It’s not healthy. You should be finding something more constructive to occupy your time with.
Harry: Obsessed? Draco’s acting suspicious and you tell me I’m obsessed? He’s probably out for revenge now that his father’s been locked up.
Ron: But how could he possibly hope to get revenge for that? In fact, what on earth would he even do for revenge?!
Harry: Aha! I’ll bet Draco’s become a Death Eater in his father’s place!
Ron: What?! How on earth could someone who’s not even able to legally use magic outside of school be a Death Eater?!
Hermione: He has a point. What makes you think he’s a Death Eater? Do you have proof?
Harry: You don’t need proof if you’ve got instinct. Draco is a Death Eater and he’s planning to do evil Death Eater things this very year!
Ron: Harry, remember what happened the last time you got like this?
Hermione: It was just last book, you know.
Harry: This time is different, I know it! I’ll prove to you I’m right! [Walks away in a huff]
[He goes to the kitchen, where he runs into Bill and Fleur]
Fleur: So, anyway, I’ve decided Jenny and Gabrielle can be bridesmaids at our wedding, and they can wear gold.
Mrs. Weasley: Her name is Ginny you stupid French person!
Fleur: …I’ll keep that in mind….
Mrs. Weasley: Now that you’re here, I just thought I’d let you know that we’ll be taking the same cars to the Platform tomorrow when you leave for Hogwarts. Oh, and Tonks won’t be there.
Harry: Did I say anything about Tonks?
Fleur: The last time I saw her she looked terrible. Takes a woman to know.
Mrs. Weasley: Well compared to you everyone looks terrible, so keep your mouth shut about my friends!
[The next day, they depart quickly]
Ginny: Look at my new Pygmy Puff! His name’s Arnold! Isn’t he precious?!
[Their auror guards escort them over the barrier…]
Harry: Ron, Hermione, do you want to sit with me?
Hermione: We’re supposed to patrol. Have you forgotten that?
Harry: Oh, right. Say, can I have a word with Mr. Weasley?
Mr. Weasley: At your service.
Harry: Good. I have something to tell you in private.
[He and Mr. Weasley sneak off where they won’t be overheard]
Harry: Listen, I saw Draco Malfoy in Borgin and Burkes while we were exploring Diagon Alley. He wants something fixed and reserved in that store. Also I think he’s become a Death Eater!
Mr. Weasley: Harry, don’t you think you’re overreacting? A Malfoy can go into Knockturne Alley, it’s a free country.
Harry: But he’s definitely plotting something sinister! I saw him acting really, really creepy and suspicious!
Mr. Weasley: Harry, we raided Lucius Malfoy’s home after the arrest and confiscated anything suspicious we could find.
Harry: What if you didn’t get everything?!
Mr. Weasley: Well, it’s possible, but then again, anything’s possible. You might be eaten by a Thestral but I don’t think that’s terribly likely.
Harry: Aargh! You adults are so frustrating!
Mr. Weasley: Anyway, you really should be catching the train.
Harry: Good thinking. [Runs off to catch the train]
[Once in the cabin, Harry notices people staring at him. Eventually he comes upon Ginny]
Harry: Ginny, Ginny, do you want to find a place to sit together?
Ginny: Sorry, but I promised Dean Thomas I’d meet him.
Harry: What does that black muggleborn side character have that I don’t!?
Ginny: He’s my boyfriend, you dummy! Find your own cabin! [Leaves Harry alone]
[But just then, Neville and Luna approach]
Harry: If it isn’t Navel and Luna!
Neville: [Facepalm] How many times do I have to tell you my name’s Neville?!
Luna: Seriously. Do you deliberately get his name wrong just to torment him?
Harry: Deliberately torment him? Why, I’ve got the most tender heart in all the world!
Neville: Honestly, you’re impossible. But, I got a new wand recently! It’s a manly wand made of unicorn hair and cherry wood!
Harry: If you could call that manly….
Neville: It was one of the last wands Ollivander sold before he vanished! Just in case you were concerned that I’d have to make do with a substandard wand….
Luna: So are we still having DA meetings?
Harry: What’s the point? Now that Umbridge is gone, I can’t possibly think of any reason why having a student group get together to discuss defense against the Dark Arts could possibly be useful!
Luna: Such a shame. My only friends were the club’s members.
Neville: Well, look on the bright side-you still have us!
[But just then, there comes a knock from outside the cabin door, which Harry opens to reveal a whole crowd of fourteen-year-old girls]
Girl: Hello, Harry! My name is Romilda Vane! Did I ever tell you that I think you’re so sexy?!
Harry: Sorry, I don’t think I know you.
Romilda Vane: That’s not nice! I prepared a surprise welcome just for you!
Harry: AAAAAAAAGH!
Click to viewNeville: What the hell was that?!
Luna: Probably just some stupid popular girl who thinks she’s entitled to Harry’s time and attention because of how important he is.
Harry: Well fuck her! I’d much rather hang around with you losers, because you’ve stuck by me through thick and thin. That way I’ll look so much more loving and magnanimous!
Luna: Thanks for that….
[They sit down together]
Harry: You know, I just remembered-Dumbledore said the prophecy applied to Navel as well. Could it be that Navel would have been the one born to die, if Voldemort hadn’t come after me first? Would his mother have been willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to save him? …Well, no doubt she would have, but would she have been as successful as my totally awesome mother was? Perhaps he would have simply died, and the prophecy would have come true-
Neville: Harry, I can hear you! And stop calling me Navel!
Luna: You are one creepy guy.
[After a time, Ron and Hermione enter the cabin as well]
Ron: Harry, you want to know something strange?
Harry: What is it?
Ron: It’s Draco. He hasn’t been making his rounds as a prefect to bully students!
Harry: Draco is passing up a chance to torment the other students?! That’s so very odd! I must investigate!
[But before he can make good on that, a third-year girl enters, passing Harry and Neville invitations]
Neville: Who is the person who gave these to us?
Harry: Oh, just our new teacher, Mr. Slutborn.
Neville: [Giggles] But…why would he invite me to anything?
Harry: I don’t know, but…we might as well humor him. Maybe we can spot Draco along the way.
[However, as they head to Slughorn’s cabin they don’t see Draco]
Slughorn: Oh, there you two are! I know Harry, of course-and you must be Neville Longbottom.
Neville: Yes, Sir. That’s me!
Slughorn: Fantastic! I’m Professor Horace Slughorn-
Neville: I thought…. [pause] Never mind.
Slughorn: Well, then, now that everyone’s started, we can begin! I’d like the two of you to meet Blaise Zabini, Cormac McLaggen, and Marcus Belby. And Ginny Weasley, who tells me she already knows you.
Harry: Blaise Zabini! That Slytherin!
Zabini: Yes, it’s me. Why are you so surprised?
Harry: Well…you’re black!
Zabini: [Facepalm] You didn’t know that?! I’m in your year!
Harry: Er…that is to say…I….
Slughorn: Er…can we try to keep things pleasant, here?
Zabini: He’s the one who started it.
Slughorn: Don’t be immature children. Now, Belby, I like you. Have some pheasant. [Hands a leg of pheasant to Belby] So, anyway, I heard your uncle invented Wolfsbane potion?
Belby: Well…he did…but my parents don’t get along with him, so I know nothing about what he’s been up to recently.
Slughorn: Good, good. Cormac, did you by any chance go hunting Nogtails with your uncle with Rufus Scrimgeour?
Cormac: Why yes I did. Although if you want my honest opinion, Scrimgeour was terrible. He hit everything but the Nogtails!
Slughorn: Good, good. Zabini, I heard you have a famously beautiful mother whose husbands keep dying and leaving her with money.
Zabini: Exactly. That’s where I got my good looks and charm from.
Slughorn: I’ll say you have good looks and charm.
Zabini: Part of me is flattered and yet part of me is slightly uncomfortable.
Slughorn: And you, Neville-you have famous parents too, right?
Neville: I’d rather not talk about that.
Slughorn: Oh, come on! At least tell me how that makes you feel!
Neville: No! I refuse!
Slughorn: Do you perhaps feel undervalued by them?
Neville: Well, not them, but everyone else in my family. They-they always look down on me and disparage me for not living up to their expectations! [Cries]
Slughorn: There, there. I can make sure you’re as well-connected and successful as you want to be.
Neville: Oh, please! You’re not even the main character! You’re just a creepy pervert whose name Harry can’t even get right! [Cries]
Slughorn: Well this is awkward…. [Turns to Harry] So, Harry, what do you think of the fact that people are calling you the Chosen One now?
Zabini: Ha! Chosen one! That is so lame!
Ginny: Don’t you dare make fun of my future husband, you slimy Slytherin!
Cormac: Er…aren’t you already dating someone?
Ginny: Well…yes…but…he doesn’t need to know that! [Sulks]
Harry: Well…I rather think the Daily Prophet’s just made up a lot of shit in order to sound cool.
Slughorn: …I suppose that’s possible.
Ginny: No, he’s absolutely right. It’s all just the Prophet making shit up.
Slughorn: Alright, then.
[Harry and the others spend the rest of the afternoon in Slughorn’s cabin. He eventually dismisses them as the sun begins to set.]
Harry: So, Ginny, why did he invite you?
Ginny: That stupid, pathetic Hufflepuff Zacharias Smith was pestering me about what happened at the Ministry, so I hexed him with a spell I made up and it caught Slughorn’s attention.
Harry: Wow, Ginny! Truly you and I are meant to be!
Ginny: Don’t remind me.
Harry: Say, I just thought of something. Zabini’s a Slytherin sixth-year. Do you think if we follow him he’ll lead us to Draco?
Neville: Er…what’s that got to do with anything?
Harry: Never mind. I’ll explain it all later. [Throws on cloak]
Ginny: Whatever.
[Neville and Ginny return to their own cabins]
[Harry follows Zabini down the hallway, eventually getting his foot caught in the doorway as he enters his cabin]
Zabini: …What? I was sure this thing closed properly.
[Harry pries the door open, causing Zabini to fall on top of Goyle, and takes advantage of the confusion to climb up into the luggage rack]
Goyle: What was that all about?
Zabini: I suspect someone’s hiding here. Maybe they’re invisible.
Draco: I’ll bet I know who it is.
Zabini: Who?
Draco: It doesn’t matter-we don’t have to talk about anything he’d actually want to know. So, anyway, Zabini, what did that new teacher want from you?
Zabini: Not much. He just wanted to meet people from famous families.
Draco: Who else was there?
Zabini: Harry Potter, as well as his friends Jenny Weasley and Neville Longbottom.
Draco: Huh. Harry I can understand-but Navel? And Ginny?
Zabini: Don’t ask me-I don’t know what motivates that guy.
Draco: If he’s interested in famous families why in the hell didn’t he invite me?
Zabini: Maybe because your father’s in jail? I know Nott had the same problem.
Draco: Well, it matters little. You know, next year I might not even be at Hogwarts!
Pansy: Really? And why might that be, o darling Draco?
Draco: Isn’t it obvious?
Pansy: You don’t mean--?
Draco: Oh, yes I do. For some stupid reason my mother wants me to complete my education. I can’t imagine why, though-it’s not like the Dark Lord is going to care about my OWLs or NEWTs.
Harry: Oh my god! Draco really is a Death Eater!
Zabini: I know that voice!
Draco: I knew it. He is here. But…never mind that now, let’s just change into our robes.
[The Slytherins all grab their trunks and put their robes on]
Goyle: We’d better start heading toward the exit.
Draco: You lot go ahead-there’s something I want to take care of first.
[Goyle, Zabini, and Pansy leave]
Draco: Now, as for you, Harry Potter-Petrificus totalus!
[The spell hits Harry and he falls]
Harry: You bastard! How long have you known I was here?!
Draco: The entire time. But it matters little-the train will be back in London before anyone even notices you’re here! Bwahahahaha! [Throws Invisibility Cloak on top of Harry and walks out]
As an added bonus, have a picture of Ginny with a giant Arnold!