No Really, I'm Fine (9&10/12)
Title: No Really, I'm Fine (9&10/12)
Author: daydream4way
Beta: sammiturnmeon
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Summary: Loosely based on the album No Really, I'm Fine by the Spill Canvas. It's the story of how Jack is completely, painfully in love with Alex, and how Alex's new relationship drives him over the edge. It's going to be quite a bit angsty and probably a little sad at times. Each chapter will be around 500 words, and will be titled after a different song on the album. So, as if it wasn't already obvious, you should really go listen to The Spill Canvas right now. That is all. Enjoy ;) PS. Comment!
MASTERPOST
Chapter Nine: Saved
"I am unraveling unbearably empty, and if this ground gives way I just hope that you'll catch me."
“What happened?” Rian places a hand on Alex’s chest, stopping him from walking out into the backyard and telling Jack exactly where he can stick his fucking beer bottle.
“I walk into the kitchen and see him kissing Jordan Witzigreuter. Seriously, how fucked up is that?”
"Fuck I can’t handle this shit anymore. Are you both that fucking stupid?” Whoa, Rian never speaks like that to Alex, or anyone for that matter.
“What?” Alex practically chokes out. He’s definitely not the one in the wrong here.
“Remember two years ago when you told me you were in love with Jack?” Fuck, did Rian really have to bring that up? Alex had spent the last few days being so pissed at Jack, he had almost forgotten how much he loved him, almost.
“Um, yeah Rian I remember. What does that have to do with anything?”
“Are you still in love with him?” Honestly, Alex can’t remember a time when he wasn’t in love with Jack. And yeah, maybe that’s kind of fucking pathetic, but when you’re in love with your straight best friend, your whole existence seems pathetic.
“You know that I am. Did you tell him? Is that why he’s been acting so strange these last few months? Is he afraid I’m going to attack him or something?”
“No Alex, I didn’t tell him. But you should.”
Alex laughs. “Yeah Rian, I’m going to tell my straight best friend that I’m in love with him.”
Rian looks at Alex for a long time before responding. “Alex…” he exhales dramatically, “Jack told me something last week that I promised I wouldn’t tell you.”
“Okay? Rian you’re starting to worry me. If it concerns me, don’t you think I have the right to know?”
“I do. I think you both have the right to know a lot of things, and I really don’t know what to do.”
“What did Jack say Rian?” If Alex can get to the bottom of Jack’s weird moods lately, maybe they can resolve whatever fracture their friendship has suffered and move past this, whatever this is.
“Go ask him. Tell him how you feel. And fuck, go easy on him Alex. Trust me, he didn’t want to kiss Jordan Witzigreuter any more than you did.” Rian walks away from Alex leaving him more confused than he’s been since he figured out he was gay.
As stubborn as Alex was, and as afraid as he was about getting hurt, he knew he had to take Rian’s advice. He and Jack needed to clear the air, he just hoped Jack was sober enough to do that.
He finds him lying on Zack’s grass staring up at the stars, and decides to lie down next to him. They stay in silence for a while before Jack says, “I’m sorry I kissed The Ready Set.”
Alex laughs. “It’s okay; I didn’t really care about him anyways.”
“You didn’t?” Jack smiles slightly.
“Nope.” He really didn’t. Alex doesn’t care about any of the guys he fucks because they’re not Jack.
“Good.”
“Why did you kiss him Jack?” Alex can’t help but feel jealous; he’s the only man Jack’s supposed to kiss.
“I don’t know Alex. I think I did it to hurt you. I know that’s fucked up. I am sorry though.” Alex knows he should be mad, but really, he’s just glad they’re talking. He’s glad Jack can be honest with him. That’s how it should be.
“It’s okay.”
“I’m also sorry I called you a prostitute. I didn’t really mean it.” Alex doesn’t even care what Jack said anymore, both he and Jack said things they didn’t mean. And hey, they’re always busting each other’s balls; that’s what friends do.
“I’m sorry I said you were a bad guitar player. I only meant it a little bit.” They both laugh.
“I’m really drunk.” Jack declares, making Alex laugh.
“I know.”
“Will you take me home?” Alex takes Jack back to his place because he really doesn’t think he should sleep alone tonight, in case he ends up choking on a pool of his own vomit or whatever. And also because Alex just really needs his best friend tonight. He helps Jack out of his clothes and into a pair of Alex’s clean boxers, and guides him over to Alex’s bed.
Alex changes his clothes as well and gets in bed behind Jack who has already fallen fast asleep. Alex just watches him, wondering if he’ll be able to get any sleep.
Chapter Ten: Lullaby
"While you were sleeping I figured out everything; I was constructed for you and you were molded for me."
Jack wakes up very confused. What is he doing in Alex’s bed? Why is Alex’s arm draped across his waist? Where did his shirt go? What happened last night? He moves Alex’s arm off of him, causing Alex to wake up. He looks at Jack, smiles a little and says, “hey”.
“Uh hey. Did we have sex last night?” Alex laughs.
“No, I don’t think you were that drunk.”
“Oh, okay.” Jack obviously didn’t tell Alex how he feels, then. Good, thank God for small miracles. “I thought you were mad at me. I thought I was mad at you.”
“We were. We made up.”
“Oh, that’s nice.” Jack wishes he could remember.
“Do you remember anything about last night?”
“Hmm, I think I asked Rian how he gets his teeth so white. And I think he told me he drinks whale semen.” Alex and Jack both laugh.
“You kissed Jordan Witzigreuter.” Jack did what? Fuck, and Alex is still talking to him?
“I did!? Wow. Remind me to drink some bleach later.”
“I uhh… I talked to Rian last night.”
“Oh. What did he say?” Jack asks, a little worried because fuck, if Rian told Alex how Jack feels, he’s really not in the mood for rejection right now. His head is killing him.
“He told me that I should tell you something I told him a while ago.” Jack just stares at Alex.
“Okay. Is that all he told you?”
Alex nods.
“Okay, so what did Rian tell you to tell me?”
Alex stares at Jack, looking for something, anything that tells him it’s going to be okay, but Jack just stares back at him with a confused look on his face. “Alex?”
“I’m in love with you.” And with those five words finally out there, Alex feels like he can breathe again. He looks at Jack, trying to read his expression, but failing miserably.
“You’re in love with me?” Jack’s trying to wrap his head around these words. He’s positive he must have heard Alex wrong.
“Yeah. And it’s been really hard for me because I know you don’t feel the same. And that’s okay, I’m not expecting you to want to be with me. I get it, but I just really can’t keep that secret any more. It’s too much of a burden.”
“I don’t understand. How can you be in love with me? You’re constantly sleeping with all these guys who are nothing like me. And you’ve told me countless times that your ideal guy is nothing like me, and you hate everything about me. And now all of a sudden you’re in love with me!?” Jack is almost screaming at Alex he’s so mad.
“Do we have to do this Jack? Isn’t it enough that I told you?” No it’s not. Jack’s been madly in love with Alex for years and he’s hated himself for not being the things that Alex wants in a man, and after all this time Alex decides that he loves Jack. No, this is too good to be true.
“No Alex, it’s really not.”
“How can I be in love with you? How can I not? You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. You’re funny, and smart, and considerate, and we just fit together. I didn’t even know I was gay until I realized I was in love with you.” And that revelation hits Jack like a ton of bricks. He can barely manage to respond.
“And all the other guys?”
“I’m trying to get over this Jack. For the sake of our friendship. I dunno, I guess somehow I thought dating men that were nothing like you, sleeping with men that were nothing like you, would maybe somehow make me forget about you.” Alex looks away, unable to keep eye contact with Jack anymore in this newfound state of vulnerability.
“Well I’m glad it didn’t.”
“What?” He forces himself to look at Jack.
“God Alex, do you know how jealous I was of every one of those guys. Do you know how much I started to hate myself. Stupid Jack. Immature Jack. Hairy, skinny, useless Jack. I wanted to be those guys. Every single one of them.”
“Why?” Alex doesn’t want to get his hopes up, can’t even let his brain think for a second that Jack might actually consider…
“Because I fucking love you, you moron! God Alex, I’m so in love with you. I didn’t care that Holly and I broke up, I’ve been so depressed these last few months because not even dating a playboy bunny could make me stop thinking about you. And I watched you sleep with guy after guy, and fuck, it really hurt Alex.”
“But… you’re not gay.” Jack buries his head in his hands, grunting.
“I don’t care what I am! I don’t even need a label because I don’t like boys or girls, I just like you. I think I’ll always just like you, and honestly, that fucking scares me.” Alex grabs Jack’s hands from his face and squeezes them, forcing Jack to look at him.
“Jack… I’m so sorry that I made you feel inadequate, I didn’t realize… I hate myself for hurting you.”
“I hate myself for not having the balls to just tell you.”
“I hate you for that too.” Alex teases. Jack laughs, looking deeply into Alex’s eyes, the mood in the room suddenly starting to shift.
“I think I’m going to kiss you. For real this time.” Jack declares.
“I think I would die if you didn’t.” Their lips collide softly at first, each boy scared that they’re going to push the other too far, that these declarations may have not been real, but Alex makes the bold move of slipping his tongue into Jack’s mouth, and Jack’s hands find his way to Alex’s waist, and they are desperately, passionately kissing each other as if this kiss could be their absolute last, rather than their first. It’s Alex who breaks the kiss, “Hey wait a minute. The other day when I saw you reading fan fiction online…”
“Oh yeah.” Jack says, slightly blushing, “I sometimes jerk off to stories our fans have written about us.”
“Jack!”
“What? Sor-ree. I didn’t know I’d ever have a chance at the real thing.” He begins kissing Alex’s jaw, moving his lips along his neck to his collarbone.
“It’s okay. I sometimes write those stories.” WHAT!? He writes stories about him and Jack? Having sex?
“You do? Do you actually post them?” This is unbelievable.
“Mhmmm.”
"No way. What’s your username, I’m going to look those up later.”
“It’s uh…” Alex laughs, “dearrosiecountmein. But don’t read them, they’re terrible.”
“Alex. She’s my favourite author!” They both laugh until their stomachs hurt.
A/N: Awwww, my babies are so cute. So uh, some smut in the next chapter obvs. And then the epilogue. Comments feed my ego, and make me slightly less psychopathic ;)