No Really, I'm Fine (3&4/12)
Title: No Really, I'm Fine (3&4/12)
Author: daydream4way
Beta: sammiturnmeon
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Summary: Loosely based on the album No Really, I'm Fine by the Spill Canvas. It's the story of how Jack is completely, painfully in love with Alex, and how Alex's new relationship drives him over the edge. It's going to be quite a bit angsty and probably a little sad at times. Each chapter will be around 500 words, and will be titled after a different song on the album. So, as if it wasn't already obvious, you should really go listen to The Spill Canvas right now. That is all. Enjoy ;) PS. Comment!
MASTERPOST
Chapter Three: Appreciation and the Bomb
"I wish you would try a little harder."
The crowd is loving every minute of their show tonight in... Cleveland is it? Honestly, Jack has no clue where they are, or what day of the week it is for that matter. All he knows is that Alex is kissing him on stage and fuck, he can't handle this shit anymore.
It used to be fun, a little game they would do to make the fans go crazy, and of course, who wouldn't love kissing Alex? But Jack can't seem to separate fiction from reality anymore, and the last thing he needs right now is Alex's mouth crushed against his, and holy fuck, is he trying to slip Jack tongue? Oh fuck no, Jack thinks, pushing Alex away and moving his guitar in front of his crotch to hide the boner he feels growing. "Fuck Alex, that's not cool." He whispers into Alex's ear.
"Aww Jackie" Alex pouts, speaking into the microphone "they all know we fuck like rabbits, what's the harm in giving them a little preview?"
"Lets just play some fucking music, okay?" Jack grunts, not in the mood for Alex tonight. Alex just shrugs and begins the next song, which Jack immediately recognizes as "Keep The Change, You Filthy Animal", a song Jack named after his favourite movie. A song he can usually play perfectly. However, after having Alex attack his mouth only moments ago, Jack is having a very hard time concentrating, messing up almost every chord, every note. But honestly, that's nothing new.
They finish the show with Dear Maria, the one thing Jack can always count on, and after grabbing a towel from Collussy, Jack immediately heads out to the bus, not really feeling in the mood for fans tonight. And yeah, thats not fair, but neither is being in love with your best friend.
Alex storms in a few minutes later. "Yo Jack, what the fuck is wrong with you? You have to come out here. They're expecting you."
"Shut up Alex. I'm just not feeling into it tonight, okay?"
"Is it because I kissed you on stage?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I told you to stop doing that."
"And I told you I would if you could explain why all of a sudden after almost 6 years we should suddenly change who we are."
Because I love you! Jack thinks, wanting desperately to say those words. "Oh never mind Alex. You obviously don't understand."
"Ok you're right I don't. I don't understand what's happened to my best friend over the past couple of months. I get that the break up with Holly was hard and I'm trying to understand it all Jack, I really am."
"Yeah? Well I wish you would try a little harder." Jack says, leaving the bus in a huff of anger.
"What the fuck does that mean?" Alex asks the door as it slams shut. Suddenly he's not in the mood for meeting the fans either.
Hours later, Jack finally gets away from all the fans, and from Alex, collapsing onto the couch and jamming his earphones in, hoping the loud music can drown out his thoughts.
Zack and Rian come in first, followed Flyzik and Vinny. Alex is MIA, probably making out (and doing God knows what else) with one of their fans. He does that a lot, and it makes Jack insanely jealous. He really doesn't feel like being around his friends right now so he retires to his bunk, answering some questions on twitter to try to keep his mind off of Alex, and that kiss.
Thinking about Alex having sex is like being stabbed in the chest. Thankfully this time it was just a random fan; Jack is getting pretty sick of Alex having sex with the lead singers of bands he likes. It makes him hate their music. Alex had effectively ruined Jack’s Mannequin (and thus Something Corporate), Fall Out Boy, The Rocket Summer and The Summer Set (by sleeping with each of the lead singers). All Jack can say is thank God Mark Hoppus is married. Jack tries to keep his mind off of Alex by answering questions about fast food, movies and his choice in ladies. However it becomes hard to keep his mind off of Alex when he stumbles into the bus, reeking of alcohol and sex.
"Heeeeey Jackie. Wanna do some shots?" He slurs, wobbling a little as he walks past Jack to the kitchen.
"Uh, don't you think you've had enough?"
"Sorry, I forgot you're on your period. I'll go find someone else to drink with."
"You know what Alex? Fuck you. You shit all over me all the time and I'm so fucking done." Jack storms off of the bus, not even sure where he's heading. Rian stops him, "Whoa. Jack, whats wrong?"
"Leave me alone." Jack's not in the mood for another lecture from Rian about how they're all a family and need to get along for the sake of the music.
"Jack, come on. It's me. What's wrong?"
Jack sighs. "It's Alex."
"What about Alex?"
"I love him."
Chapter Four: The Truth
"There is a part in every day where I lie to myself and say that it's okay."
“Oh.” Jack finally admits his feelings to someone, and all Rian can say is oh? That’s just fucking great.
“Yeah.”
“Why haven't you told him?” If only it were that simple; Jack tells Alex he loves him, Alex feels the same, they have mind blowing sex and a lifetime of happiness. But Alex doesn't love him. Jack knows this; Alex has said countless times that he doesn't go for guys like Jack. Skinny guys. Immature guys. Stupid guys.
“Rian, look at all the guys he's dated. And he's constantly laughing at the idea of us being together. Why would I tell him?”
“Because you might be surprised at his reaction? Maybe you don't know how he feels. Sometimes people do a really good job of hiding how they feel.”
“Rian, listen to yourself. Shouldn't you be taking your own advice with Cassadee?”
“That's different.” Of course it is, Rian actually has a chance with Cassadee.
“How?”
“Because I'm not good enough for her. But you, you and Alex. That could be epic.” God, he really doesn’t need that kind of false hope from one of his best friends. He gets enough of it from the fans.
“Epically disastrous. You know he doesn’t think of me like that, at all.”
“Actually Jack, you’d be pretty surprised what I know.”
“What?”
“Talk to Alex, Jack. I’m going to head back into the bus. It’s freezing out here. Are you coming?”
“Nah, I’m gonna stay out here for a while, star gaze or whatever. Promise me you won’t tell Alex anything.”
“Of course. Do you want me to stay?”
“It's okay. Really, I'll be okay.” But somehow Jack knew he wouldn't ever be okay.
Maybe Rian was right. Maybe Jack should tell Alex. Not because he thinks that Alex is going to magically love him back, but because he can’t carry the burden of his feelings anymore.
Jack walks back to the bus, determined to find Alex, tell him exactly why he needs to stop kissing him on stage, and deal with whatever consequences come after that. When he finally reaches the bus door he starts to feel like he can’t breathe. What if Alex laughs at him? What if Alex hates him? What if… well the possibilities are endless and each one more catastrophically devastating than the last.
He finally gets on the bus to find most of his band members sleeping in their bunks, and Alex sitting on the couch playing with his phone. Jack sits down on the couch next to him and Alex immediately puts his phone down and looks at Jack.
“Whats wrong with us Jack? Why do you hate me?”
Jack is a little thrown off by this question. He eats sleeps and breathes nothing but love for the man sitting next to him. “I don’t hate you Alex. I don’t. It’s just… it’s really hard for me lately to be physically close with you because… I…”
“It’s because I’m gay right?”
Whoa! What? “No, Alex it’s…” Jack knows he needs to tell Alex how he feels, but he’s scared, and he doesn’t want to lose his best friend.
“No, I get it. When we were both straight it was like ooh no big deal, but then I realize I’m gay and all of a sudden you don’t want me to touch you.”
“Alex, listen to yourself. You came out almost three years ago.” And honestly, Jack fell in love with him not too long after that. And the fact that Alex thinks, for even one second, that Jack has a problem with him being gay is just absurd.
“Yeah, and ever since then things have been weird between us. I’m sorry that I’m not straight, okay?”
“Well I’m not.” Jack crushes their lips into a kiss, his hands immediately finding their way to Alex’s waist, pulling him in closer, craving as much contact as is humanly possible.
Alex abruptly breaks the kiss, pushing Jack back almost violently. “Okay, fuck Jack. Don’t do that. I get it, you don’t care that I’m gay. God. You can’t just go around kissing people like that.”
“I…” He’s struggling to form the words. I. Love. You. Three words. Not that hard. Before he’s able to connect his brain and his mouth, Alex is getting off of the couch, walking towards the bunks.
“I’m off to bed. You coming?”
“No, I’m just going to sit here for a while.”
Alex shrugs his shoulders. “Okay.”
No, things were definitely not okay.
A/N: Aww, Jack makes me sad. Comments make me happy. Rian makes me happiest. (You'll see why in the coming chapters).