You Would Think....
Dear Journal,
You would think that with everything I have on my plate, that people would know that I have enough going on in my life that I dont need any more shit.. right?? I just have been thinking about life.. and I just have a few thoughts on my mind...
I wonder..
How dont you find any logic, and sense in what Im saying to you?? You're always thinking about your next come up, but you dont even think about the people you push down to get it.. You're so quick to stand up to me.. as soon as I speak about the things that have taken over my life.. you're ready to fight me.. You are as tall as a giant when it comes to me.. you find a way to flip the script and make it about me and the things that im not right about.. but when it comes to him, you stand about as tall as a midget.. I used to blame him for all the things that goes on with you.. all the changes that I have seen in you.. but now I see that it cant possibly be just him.. You are only as weak as you let him make you.. Because I see a strength in you that I cant even fight off.. You act like a punk.. because the moment I say one word that hurts your feelings or anything, you jump down my throat and start wrecking things.. I wont put my hands on you, I've seen it done for too many years on you.. how can I?? I have spent the last 12 years throwing myself in front of the belt, fists, words, anything they threw at you.. taking blame for the stolen items, begging for you to be allowed.. allowed to just do anything.. I begged for that!!! I see how you act with other people and how you go out of your way to do things for them.. but I struggle.. I struggle... the sad part is that I wouldnt take anything from you.. it is so hard to accept things from you.. I take it because I need it, and I only ask if I truly doo.. and even then, I feel like I am taking food from a disabled person who cant fend for themself.. You will read this and then call me and say.. there you go again.. writing something else about me.. talking shit about me.. but are you really reading this?? are you?? are you reading the words and thinking about how I must be feeling while Im writing this.. ?? Ok.. check this out.. I am a 24 yr old.. i work full time, I busted my ass in school twice now.. with one kid and one on the way.. I pay my bills.. struggling, but I do.. My relationship with Chris has gone to shit.. and no Im not gonna blame you because god knows I will hear about that.. but.. In the meantime.. I in the middle of the street at 4 in the morning trying and begging for you and him to stop screaming for help from me.. If only you could just go in and lie to me and tell me its not happening.. maybe i could sleep.. popping atleast 5 tylenol pms just so i can stop waking up at every sound thinking its you screaming for help.. in and out of hospitals with you.. not knowing if your baby is gonna make it.. worrying for you life.. probably more then you did.. Watching you become nothing when you had everything.. Maybe not material things.. but you still had character.. you knew who you was.. and now I dont know you.. I have learned to know who you are now.. but its not the same.. But anyways, I have taken in your two girls.. yes, by my choice.. but what you dont understand about that is.. just because i chose to do it, doesnt make it any easier or more pleasant for me.. Stop saying that I CHOSE TO DO IT.. THAT I HAVE TO STOP THROWING IT IN YOUR FACE.. what the hell do you mean.. What you really wanna say is stop REMINDING you that you are fucking up.. right?? stop REMINDING you that eventually these kids are gonna grow up and EVENTUALLY they are gonna think of you they way you think of our mom.. and that sucks dont it?? how do you think it is on me.. I have to look at your kids and wonder how the hell you can just not care.. how the hell the baby hasnt had any shots.. how the hell you just let them go like it wasnt shit.. and dont say you had no choice.. everything that has happened YOU HAVE CHOSEN!!! You choose to be in a relationship where BOTH of you are not happy.. you choose to get hit on.. you choose to sit in someone else's face and not have your own.. you choose to steal from everyone, well anyone that counts, and you choose not to make anything of yourself.. You have TWO choices.. you can be a girl or you can be a woman.. and you have chosen to be a girl.. a young ass girl who thinks its cute to keep getting pregnant, a girl who thinks its ok to let a man beat on you, a girl who thinks welfare is the way of life.. Yeah everyone needs help, but its one thing to need help and another to just need all the damn time.. I have to tell her every day that I love her because she might not know it.. I have to re-assure her that she is staying here and not leaving.. I have to do that.. I have to make sure that she knows that she is safe.. That is me.. so dont you dare say that I chose to do this.. I chose to help you, not do for you.. I am a young woman who still wants to have a life.. Yes I have kids and responsibilities.. but at the end of the day, I still wanna be able to do something.. It must be nice to just call and invite your younger sister out to a bar.. because I mean, its not like you have anything thats keeping you in.. unlike me.. There is so much more but its like.. how much more do you need?? How many more times is it gonna take?? How much of me do you want??
You would think that with everything I have on my plate, that people would know that I have enough going on in my life that I dont need any more shit.. right?? I just have been thinking about life.. and I just have a few thoughts on my mind...
I wonder..
How dont you find any logic, and sense in what Im saying to you?? You're always thinking about your next come up, but you dont even think about the people you push down to get it.. You're so quick to stand up to me.. as soon as I speak about the things that have taken over my life.. you're ready to fight me.. You are as tall as a giant when it comes to me.. you find a way to flip the script and make it about me and the things that im not right about.. but when it comes to him, you stand about as tall as a midget.. I used to blame him for all the things that goes on with you.. all the changes that I have seen in you.. but now I see that it cant possibly be just him.. You are only as weak as you let him make you.. Because I see a strength in you that I cant even fight off.. You act like a punk.. because the moment I say one word that hurts your feelings or anything, you jump down my throat and start wrecking things.. I wont put my hands on you, I've seen it done for too many years on you.. how can I?? I have spent the last 12 years throwing myself in front of the belt, fists, words, anything they threw at you.. taking blame for the stolen items, begging for you to be allowed.. allowed to just do anything.. I begged for that!!! I see how you act with other people and how you go out of your way to do things for them.. but I struggle.. I struggle... the sad part is that I wouldnt take anything from you.. it is so hard to accept things from you.. I take it because I need it, and I only ask if I truly doo.. and even then, I feel like I am taking food from a disabled person who cant fend for themself.. You will read this and then call me and say.. there you go again.. writing something else about me.. talking shit about me.. but are you really reading this?? are you?? are you reading the words and thinking about how I must be feeling while Im writing this.. ?? Ok.. check this out.. I am a 24 yr old.. i work full time, I busted my ass in school twice now.. with one kid and one on the way.. I pay my bills.. struggling, but I do.. My relationship with Chris has gone to shit.. and no Im not gonna blame you because god knows I will hear about that.. but.. In the meantime.. I in the middle of the street at 4 in the morning trying and begging for you and him to stop screaming for help from me.. If only you could just go in and lie to me and tell me its not happening.. maybe i could sleep.. popping atleast 5 tylenol pms just so i can stop waking up at every sound thinking its you screaming for help.. in and out of hospitals with you.. not knowing if your baby is gonna make it.. worrying for you life.. probably more then you did.. Watching you become nothing when you had everything.. Maybe not material things.. but you still had character.. you knew who you was.. and now I dont know you.. I have learned to know who you are now.. but its not the same.. But anyways, I have taken in your two girls.. yes, by my choice.. but what you dont understand about that is.. just because i chose to do it, doesnt make it any easier or more pleasant for me.. Stop saying that I CHOSE TO DO IT.. THAT I HAVE TO STOP THROWING IT IN YOUR FACE.. what the hell do you mean.. What you really wanna say is stop REMINDING you that you are fucking up.. right?? stop REMINDING you that eventually these kids are gonna grow up and EVENTUALLY they are gonna think of you they way you think of our mom.. and that sucks dont it?? how do you think it is on me.. I have to look at your kids and wonder how the hell you can just not care.. how the hell the baby hasnt had any shots.. how the hell you just let them go like it wasnt shit.. and dont say you had no choice.. everything that has happened YOU HAVE CHOSEN!!! You choose to be in a relationship where BOTH of you are not happy.. you choose to get hit on.. you choose to sit in someone else's face and not have your own.. you choose to steal from everyone, well anyone that counts, and you choose not to make anything of yourself.. You have TWO choices.. you can be a girl or you can be a woman.. and you have chosen to be a girl.. a young ass girl who thinks its cute to keep getting pregnant, a girl who thinks its ok to let a man beat on you, a girl who thinks welfare is the way of life.. Yeah everyone needs help, but its one thing to need help and another to just need all the damn time.. I have to tell her every day that I love her because she might not know it.. I have to re-assure her that she is staying here and not leaving.. I have to do that.. I have to make sure that she knows that she is safe.. That is me.. so dont you dare say that I chose to do this.. I chose to help you, not do for you.. I am a young woman who still wants to have a life.. Yes I have kids and responsibilities.. but at the end of the day, I still wanna be able to do something.. It must be nice to just call and invite your younger sister out to a bar.. because I mean, its not like you have anything thats keeping you in.. unlike me.. There is so much more but its like.. how much more do you need?? How many more times is it gonna take?? How much of me do you want??