"Fucktard" should be onomatopoeia ( Read more... )

"If you are calling because you hate our shitty customer service, please press whichever button hangs up your phone."

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For consideration: "If you would like to hear a synthetically-generated beep loudly in your ear, press any button now."

Why are all song-lyrics sites basically just mirrors of each other so that when one site has obviously incorrect lyrics, they *all* do? What is the point of there being dozens of song lyric sites if none of them can be bothered to check the validity of any of their data ( Read more... )

Arrive at office to find 21 new emails since leaving the house, consisting of ( Read more... )

Despite the certain fact that you're going to amount to little more than a sad joke this time around the election merry-go-round, I find myself really, genuinely looking forward to the day that your name is no longer considered newsworthy even on a totally news-free day. Consider dying in a car crash. At least then, we'd get a nicely ironic story ( Read more... )

Thank you for demonstrating how much faster and more efficient everything is when you have an appointment well in advance. I was impressed that, less than 30 minutes after our arrival, and within 15 minutes of our actual appointment time, we had our forms approved, the check written, and everything was on its way to completion ( Read more... )

People I don't know leaving voicemail that gives no indication why I'm supposed to call them back ( Read more... )

if you need to stop and have a conversation about hard drive controllers, please do it somewhere else than on the bottom step of the staircase in Building 1.

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For consideration: you are lucky I am on the ground floor with coffee, not one flight up with a couple dozen bowling balls

Why didn't anyone warn me that today was Drive Your BMW Like An Aggressive Asshole Day?

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For consideration: ooooh, right, that's *every* day

Dear construction contractors: the 10-minute parking spaces are there so that we can drop off our children at daycare and then be on our way, not so that you can have nice, nearby spaces for your work trucks all day. Please fall off the roof and die without leaving any family that might bring some bullshit lawsuit against the daycare folks ( Read more... )