This week
Today was a better day. Yesterday was weird for me and I'm afraid this whole week will be. A combination of rejection and everything else. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends at the end of the week but the funeral dampens that a bit. I'm not sure how well I'll cope as so many feelings may spill loose - Mom's passing, several other friends already this year, losing more on the near horizon. And really nobody to help me through it. And I hate that I feel at all. I mean seriously, I would almost rather just be immune to it. That way I wouldn't feel this need to have someone there for me.
I'm still barely eating. Sleeping little. Whatever. I have found that I really do not care. At some point that will change I am sure. I'm drinking a bit more than I should which is unusual for me but it helps me get by.
On a positive note I've resisted the urge to go into Midtown and all that doing so involves. Just too easy to do a bump, roll some, drink too much. And that's just not someplace I need to be emotionally or physically. So last night I rationalized that with my Red Cross appointment today I didn't want the potential of that going on in my body. Tonight I felt stronger and didn't need to rationalize. But it's just so easy to get caught up in it down there. It's a side effect of my headier days in the scene. I partied pretty hard back then and it's almost as if everyone is trying to comp me back. Like I need it. But if I'm going to be relegated to living with all of the other lost boys then it will be hard to ignore it. Especially when I'm down about things. Saturday after the funeral will be interesting. I may try to go straight home although it will be hard as the funeral is on the other wide of Midtown from home and I'll essentially have to pass right through on my way back.
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As mentioned I did my thing at the Red Cross today and donated another double round of platelets. So many friends have died, are dying from, or are fighting cancer that I feel compelled. I'm also deathly phobic of needles so there is that too.
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Working on a couple of projects I had put on hold for a while. Delivered one to the shop. Also working on a cool little mid-century inspired desk for someone. Trying to figure out if I want to included drawers or make it just a neat little work table.
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I'm still barely eating. Sleeping little. Whatever. I have found that I really do not care. At some point that will change I am sure. I'm drinking a bit more than I should which is unusual for me but it helps me get by.
On a positive note I've resisted the urge to go into Midtown and all that doing so involves. Just too easy to do a bump, roll some, drink too much. And that's just not someplace I need to be emotionally or physically. So last night I rationalized that with my Red Cross appointment today I didn't want the potential of that going on in my body. Tonight I felt stronger and didn't need to rationalize. But it's just so easy to get caught up in it down there. It's a side effect of my headier days in the scene. I partied pretty hard back then and it's almost as if everyone is trying to comp me back. Like I need it. But if I'm going to be relegated to living with all of the other lost boys then it will be hard to ignore it. Especially when I'm down about things. Saturday after the funeral will be interesting. I may try to go straight home although it will be hard as the funeral is on the other wide of Midtown from home and I'll essentially have to pass right through on my way back.
......
As mentioned I did my thing at the Red Cross today and donated another double round of platelets. So many friends have died, are dying from, or are fighting cancer that I feel compelled. I'm also deathly phobic of needles so there is that too.
......
Working on a couple of projects I had put on hold for a while. Delivered one to the shop. Also working on a cool little mid-century inspired desk for someone. Trying to figure out if I want to included drawers or make it just a neat little work table.
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