Plogviehze, Baby: 11/14

[latin_doll]

Prologue | Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14

Am not all that happy with this chapter, but meh. There's cuteness. There's cabbage. There's bashing of polka dots, for a change.

Comments

[amazon_syren]

Oh.
You... You damn near made me cry. <*sniffle*>

I'll point out the nits and stuff later. Right now I have to go and sniffle for a bit.

[latin_doll]

Um...

*hands you a tissue* :D

[amazon_syren]

Upon reconsideration, Polly carefully added an, "Um." That must have been the tiredness talking.
One should hope so.
A lift of eyebrows. "Um?" [Both eyebrows? Really?]
"Um," Polly confirmed.
"Oh."

Because Not Talking About Things is *so* intelligent... :-)

an expression of self-loathing combined with a death wish
Gods, that's Mal wrapped up in a large, purple ribbon and gift-wrapped, isn't it?

"Huh," said Polly, and thought about it, and sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Gods damn it. Tell me the kid lived. Please."
Okay, there's something off about this but, ('cause I'm oh, so helpful), I can't quite put my finger on what it is.
Is it because she had to think about it a bit before actually caring if the vampire baby -- Mal's sibling, if not Mal, at this point -- survived, or what? Also, I think the 'gods damn it' is a bit... clunky.

Might I suggest:
"Huh," said Polly, and thought about it. She glanced at Mal. "Did the kid live?" she asked, (quietly,) sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

maybe whatever Mal had been looking for in the

[latin_doll]

[Both eyebrows? Really?]

Since this is Mal and since she's entirely capable of the Amazing One Eyebrow Lift... no, actually. Whoops. *fixes*

an expression of self-loathing combined with a death wish
Gods, that's Mal wrapped up in a large, purple ribbon and gift-wrapped, isn't it?

Bondage!Mal?

Is it because she had to think about it a bit before actually caring if the vampire baby -- Mal's sibling, if not Mal, at this point -- survived, or what?

Nah, it's because she's half-asleep by then and takes some time to get to the inclusion that there might be death involved.

"Huh," said Polly, and thought about it. She glanced at Mal. "Did the kid live?" she asked, (quietly,) sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

Oh, neat :D I used that.

This is Mal getting out of the coach again, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Changed the rumbling to creaking, as suggested.

Also, what's with the icicle comment? 'Cause I don't quite follow."You're a lovely little icicle" = "damn, you look frozen all over". But we all know that Polly just wants to tell Mal that

[amazon_syren]

Bondage!Mal... Oh, don't tempt me, darling... I know she's got at least one old lover who would have very-much enjoyed tying her up and, well... probably going beyond the boundaries established by safe-words, I confess... Not a nice woman, was Vanya...

Re: Taxing: ...Oh. How cool. <*fixes*>
It's cool?
Really?
What an interesting reaction. :-)

I guess 'finding something/one rather taxing' comes from the fact that paying taxes puts something of a strain on one's finances (and, possibly, one's realtionship with one's government). Or maybe I'm way off, who knows. ;-)

Re: Moth/flame: Oo. :-) Good one. :-) (Although I'd say 'a' flame, rather than 'the' flame -- but, otherwise, well done. :-)

Re: Consistent: I'd use something like... "you're already pretty, um... obsessive... er." Or something. Is there a 'nice' way of saying 'obsessive'? Er? Single-minded, maybe? :-) <*looks hopeful*>

Dictionaries, while your friends, are probably topped by thesauri (thesauruses?) which will give you handy synonyms for things. :-) Yay! :-)

[latin_doll]

What an interesting reaction. :-)

It's my default reaction for learning something new about words I thought I had figured out. With 'taxing', I thought it could mean 'looking at something, sharpy' /'estimate the value of something', and, apperently, it doesn't. Hence, cool :D

Changed the article on 'flame'. Wanted it to match 'the washbowl', but you're right, it should have matched 'a moth'.

Obsessive! Obsessive is good.

I have a thesaurus somewhere :D In actual book form. I never find it when I need it, though.

[amazon_syren]

[...Continued from the previous reply...]

"Speaking of which," added Mal, "'s there any chance I might get you dripping wet as well?"
Er -

Pfft. Okay, I know it was intentional on your part. What I want to know is: was it intentional on Mal's part? :-)

Suddenly, Polly found she had her arms full of vampire. The hug was brief, but - nice? Polly went with nice.
"Thank you for offering," murmured Mal against her hair. "You're nice. In a completely fucked up vampire way, you are the polliest Polly that ever pollied."

"Pollied"?
Also... I take "The hug... with nice." and remove it, I think. You've got Polly tentatively breaking the embrace later on, so that bit isn't really necessary. Also, if the hug is brief but nice, it's also over by the time Mal's murmuring into Polly's hair. so... I'd just take it out. :-)

Suddenly, Polly found she had her arms full of vampire.
"Thank you for offering," murmured Mal against her hair. [etc].

Such was her army.
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn... :-(

It sure as hell ain't coffee, though.I can

[latin_doll]

Pfft. Okay, I know it was intentional on your part. What I want to know is: was it intentional on Mal's part? :-)

Possibly, possibly :D (But I don't think she'd say that if there was the remote chance of Polly getting the reference.

Um.

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course she would.)

Re: pollied: past tense of 'to polly', which means 'to be Polly in a very polly way'. Hence the polliest Polly that ever pollied :D

(If this doesn't make *any* sense please tell me, but I actually think it's rather cute.)

Also... I take "The hug... with nice." and remove it, I think. You've got Polly tentatively breaking the embrace later on, so that bit isn't really necessary. Also, if the hug is brief but nice, it's also over by the time Mal's murmuring into Polly's hair. so... I'd just take it out. :-)

That makes an awful lot of sense. *says goodbye to the sentence*

I can almost forgive you for this one, given the context. ;-)Mal seems rather fond of 'ain't', doesn't she? (And how almost is that almost? 'cause I'm tempted to leave that one alone :D

[amazon_syren]

Re: Pollied: I get the linguistics, my dear. :-) But, no, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
See, in order to understand what it means 'to Polly', we have to understand what 'Polly' means to Mal (and, yes, I mean that on more than a linguistic level). I mean, clearly, Mal sees Polly as not afraid of much of anything. Because she says so, and not in a way that suggests she's kidding around or being her normal, knowing-in-an-irritating-way self.

But what else?

In a completely fucked up vampire way, you are the polliest Polly that ever pollied.Now, if I think hard about it (ow, my head, etc), I might hazzard a guess that Mal sees Polly as being caring and slightly selfless -- despite recent evidence, perhaps -- and that her willingness to bleed for Mal is a wierdly vampiric way of being the way Mal sees her as being. (Er... That made sense? Maybe

[latin_doll]

Now, if I think hard about it (ow, my head, etc), I might hazzard a guess that Mal sees Polly as being caring and slightly selfless -- despite recent evidence, perhaps -- and that her willingness to bleed for Mal is a wierdly vampiric way of being the way Mal sees her as being. (Er... That made sense? Maybe?)

Yes, actually. Add some 'determined' and 'willing to look past the ick' to the selfless, though.

Changed it a bit, but I don't know if you'll be satisfied.

Re: bad grammar: but she was corrected by William the Worde on the difference between 'who' and 'whom'. (Although that was a bit unfair, given that they were probably speaking Morporkian at the time.)

Re: Cabbage-Coffee. Ohhhhhhhhhh. That was totally not clear during either of my two readings of this section of the story. I just thought she drank the coffee very, very quickly (possibly to point out that she has better super-fast moter-control skills than Polly, thus upping the ante of their wierd little drinking game).

Humm. See, I thought it was totally clear. I am,

[amazon_syren]

Not much sanity to find in places where any notion of future only ever reached as far as the next battle, or until spring. And maybe that was why Polly had said what she said. It didn't mean anything; there was too little context for it to mean anything in.

She listened for a a while. Mal's heartbeat sounded faint and grew fainter as the time passed. She felt she was being watched, but that was almost okay. The inside of the coach really was quite nice, and safe.

Ooo! I like this little addition! :-D

There was more rumbling and the head vanished.
Although that should also be 'creeking', yes? :-)

Also, it occurs to me: Polly's a sergeant (and one who's still alive, no less) -- how can she not be good at sneaking? Particularly with the new Leet Vampire Skillz?

It was where you spent your life, not your holidays.
I like this line, too. Although perhaps you should also not be applying for the job of Sto Plains Minister of Tourism. ;-)

the sound of the Ankh rumpling along...Rumpling? (I realize the Ankh is pretty sluggish and,

[latin_doll]

Changed the rumbling to creaking, and also found out that I meant the Ankh to be rumbling, not rumpling (rumbling in the sense of something mostly solid, but moving). Does that make sense?

The sneaking thing is a real blunder, though. Wasn't thinking. Changed it to "she wasn't good at the sneaking business this early in the morning".

Re: Minister of Tourism: I can only think of one man worthy of the job: that sausage guy whose name I forgot. Dibbler something.

Thanks for the extra commentary :D

[amazon_syren]

Re: Rumbling: Perhaps 'churning'. It's not a sound, but I think it would work better.
"Rumble" is something done by thunder, earthquakes, and heavy trucks on gravel roads. It's not a sound associated with liquid -- even nearly-solid liquid. :-)

Re: Early in the morning: That works. :-)

Gods, Dibbler... I just wouldn't want to know...

[latin_doll]

Awrigh', it be churnin' now. Only I only ever associated that with stomachs, but meh.

[amazon_syren]

Sorry to keep doing this (but I will keep doing it), but:

"That's psychology," said Mal, finally.
Probably "There's", not "That's".

"They're flying, then?"
yanno
"Yep," said Mal.
Woops. Pasted without meaning to, I think. :-)

"...," said Polly. "Huh?"

"Well," said Mal, pulling back, but only slightly, to look at her. "You know. Polly."

That works. :-)

[latin_doll]

Oh, please do keep doing this!

I changed that to "it's psychology". Humm. No idea how that yanno got there.

Glad it works :D