Plogviehze, Baby: 11/14

[latin_doll]

Prologue | Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14

Am not all that happy with this chapter, but meh. There's cuteness. There's cabbage. There's bashing of polka dots, for a change.

Comments

[amazon_syren]

[...Continued from the previous reply...]

"Speaking of which," added Mal, "'s there any chance I might get you dripping wet as well?"
Er -

Pfft. Okay, I know it was intentional on your part. What I want to know is: was it intentional on Mal's part? :-)

Suddenly, Polly found she had her arms full of vampire. The hug was brief, but - nice? Polly went with nice.
"Thank you for offering," murmured Mal against her hair. "You're nice. In a completely fucked up vampire way, you are the polliest Polly that ever pollied."

"Pollied"?
Also... I take "The hug... with nice." and remove it, I think. You've got Polly tentatively breaking the embrace later on, so that bit isn't really necessary. Also, if the hug is brief but nice, it's also over by the time Mal's murmuring into Polly's hair. so... I'd just take it out. :-)

Suddenly, Polly found she had her arms full of vampire.
"Thank you for offering," murmured Mal against her hair. [etc].

Such was her army.
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn... :-(

It sure as hell ain't coffee, though.
I can almost forgive you for this one, given the context. ;-)

Mal smiled innocently. Behind her, a potted plant crumpled and died.
Er... Do I want to know why? :-\

There was a day, Polly believed it was the fourth, when the river joined the Ankh, and that was all that happened, unless one counted Polly crying and crying until she couldn't cry anymore, and she didn't count that, since neither of them mentioned it again.

Okay, NO! you can't just toss in "and one of the main characters had a serious emotional melt-down, but that's not a big deal", and then not deal with it! >:-/

I can kind of understand why it wouldn't be gone-into *right now*, but when they stat Talking About Things, that better be one of the Things they talk about! <*is very adamant about this*> >:-\

something was different, like a taste to the wind, or a note in the sky
I *so* know what you mean! I *love* that day!!! :-D You can actually feel everything un-cringing. It's amazing! People are walking around with their heads bare, even though it's only +2, because it's Plus-Two!!! and they've got their windows open, even though they still have to wear their coats. It's just *awesome*! :-D

And then we're back to the sweetness again. :-) :-) :-) Awww... :-)

I know that, thought Polly. I know that and I go on because there's a clock in me and it's getting late again.

Is this a reference to her need to eat something human-shaped?

<*Loves the last line!*> :-)

<*goes and sniffles some more*>

:-)

[latin_doll]

Pfft. Okay, I know it was intentional on your part. What I want to know is: was it intentional on Mal's part? :-)

Possibly, possibly :D (But I don't think she'd say that if there was the remote chance of Polly getting the reference.

Um.

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course she would.)

Re: pollied: past tense of 'to polly', which means 'to be Polly in a very polly way'. Hence the polliest Polly that ever pollied :D

(If this doesn't make *any* sense please tell me, but I actually think it's rather cute.)

Also... I take "The hug... with nice." and remove it, I think. You've got Polly tentatively breaking the embrace later on, so that bit isn't really necessary. Also, if the hug is brief but nice, it's also over by the time Mal's murmuring into Polly's hair. so... I'd just take it out. :-)

That makes an awful lot of sense. *says goodbye to the sentence*

I can almost forgive you for this one, given the context. ;-)

Mal seems rather fond of 'ain't', doesn't she? (And how almost is that almost? 'cause I'm tempted to leave that one alone :D)

Mal smiled innocently. Behind her, a potted plant crumpled and died.

Because of this: "There was a blur of movement. She put an empty mug onto the table." She's feed the cabbage!coffee to the plant. Haven't you ever watched cartoons? :D

Okay, NO! you can't just toss in "and one of the main characters had a serious emotional melt-down, but that's not a big deal", and then not deal with it! >:-/

I can kind of understand why it wouldn't be gone-into *right now*, but when they stat Talking About Things, that better be one of the Things they talk about! <*is very adamant about this*> >:-\

I don't even know *how* to justify this, but I'm going to. Yes. The point of this paragraph is that, although there has been an important turning point, Polly's mental health hasn't been restored overnight. On the other hand, adding, say, one thousand words about the big emotional breakdown would have tipped the balance to the point where there'd have been too much gloom and too little cuteness. I think the reaction would have been, 'what was the point of the turning point, then?'

It's a bit of an experiment, I admit :D

I *so* know what you mean! I *love* that day!!! :-D You can actually feel everything un-cringing. It's amazing! People are walking around with their heads bare, even though it's only +2, because it's Plus-Two!!! and they've got their windows open, even though they still have to wear their coats. It's just *awesome*! :-D

Can you tell I wrote most of this back in March and April, when winter just wouldn't stop? I was awaiting that day.

Is this a reference to her need to eat something human-shaped?

Yes.

(You're writing lovely criticism, by the way. Glad you enjoyed the chapter :D)

[amazon_syren]

Re: Pollied: I get the linguistics, my dear. :-) But, no, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
See, in order to understand what it means 'to Polly', we have to understand what 'Polly' means to Mal (and, yes, I mean that on more than a linguistic level). I mean, clearly, Mal sees Polly as not afraid of much of anything. Because she says so, and not in a way that suggests she's kidding around or being her normal, knowing-in-an-irritating-way self.

But what else?

In a completely fucked up vampire way, you are the polliest Polly that ever pollied.

Now, if I think hard about it (ow, my head, etc), I might hazzard a guess that Mal sees Polly as being caring and slightly selfless -- despite recent evidence, perhaps -- and that her willingness to bleed for Mal is a wierdly vampiric way of being the way Mal sees her as being. (Er... That made sense? Maybe?)
However, I should point out that, as your reader, I shouldn't have to bloody think *hard* about how to un-code really simple, kinda-cute (and it was kinda cute) phrases. They should just be clear.

So.

I dunno. Perhaps an oh-so-intelligent "Huh?" from Polly, followed by a shrug and a "You still act like you" or... something... (I dunno) from Mal, could be tossed in there just before "Thank you. I suppose." and the rest of the story.

Perhaps? :-)

Re: Ain't: Okay, you can leave this one alone.
But for the love of all your gods(!!!), she doesn't do bad grammer. Tonker might do bad grammer, but Tonker also decided to nick-name herself after a slang-term for male genetalia, so really it goes with the territory. Suave, refined, knowing people don't use "ain't". It's just totally contrary to the behaviour. (Even for a ribboner, I might point out). <*is very adamant about this sort of thing, too*>

Re: Cabbage-Coffee. Ohhhhhhhhhh. That was totally not clear during either of my two readings of this section of the story. I just thought she drank the coffee very, very quickly (possibly to point out that she has better super-fast moter-control skills than Polly, thus upping the ante of their wierd little drinking game).

Re: Un-explained crying jag: Okay, fair point. And the bit about the mental health thing is accurate enough. But I still expect some bloody denument-ing, okay?

Mmmm... Sweet, sweet First Day of Spring... :-D

Re: Criticisms: Thank you. :-) (And you're welcome).
I figure, the kind of criticism that I'd want to get is stuff that points out the typos, and the good bits, but also gives some actual writing advice about how the story is flowing and what-not.
So that's what I try to give other people. Especially when their stories are good enough that I can do this sort of thing without, effectively, saying "Gack! This needs a complete overhaul! What were you thinking???"

Your stories are good, and I like them. :-)

Next chapter, please? :-)

[latin_doll]

Now, if I think hard about it (ow, my head, etc), I might hazzard a guess that Mal sees Polly as being caring and slightly selfless -- despite recent evidence, perhaps -- and that her willingness to bleed for Mal is a wierdly vampiric way of being the way Mal sees her as being. (Er... That made sense? Maybe?)

Yes, actually. Add some 'determined' and 'willing to look past the ick' to the selfless, though.

Changed it a bit, but I don't know if you'll be satisfied.

Re: bad grammar: but she was corrected by William the Worde on the difference between 'who' and 'whom'. (Although that was a bit unfair, given that they were probably speaking Morporkian at the time.)

Re: Cabbage-Coffee. Ohhhhhhhhhh. That was totally not clear during either of my two readings of this section of the story. I just thought she drank the coffee very, very quickly (possibly to point out that she has better super-fast moter-control skills than Polly, thus upping the ante of their wierd little drinking game).

Humm. See, I thought it was totally clear. I am, shall we say, surprised.

Re: Un-explained crying jag: Okay, fair point. And the bit about the mental health thing is accurate enough. But I still expect some bloody denument-ing, okay?

Let's see what chapter 12 to 14 bring, then :D (Because, really, I have no idea if that was addressed again. I think it wasn't, since it wasn't such a big deal to me, because Polly has been crying before. What she really, really needs right now is to get out of the snow and away from the rats, and go home and find her ground again. Humm. Maybe that'll fit somewhere.)

Also: you're making me blush :D

I'll see about that next chapter. Monday-ish? It still may need some fixing.

[amazon_syren]

Re: Cabbage-Coffee -- Upon reading it a third time, I suspect my total lack of understanding was a me-problem, not a writing-problem. ;-)

She tentatively broke the embrace, because someone had to.

Next Chapter: Yes, please! :-D

[latin_doll]

Fixed :D

Re: next chapter: online!