Massive Movie Mania!
It's been a while, and I've watched a few movies that everyone else has already seen, no doubt. Sometimes I'm a bit behind. But who cares? It's movie time!
First, giant women:
Monsters vs. Aliens
What do big-name actors and actresses do in their downtime? Why, they do voiceovers for animated films, of course! Animated films didn't always have the celebrity starpower they do today; back then, you were lucky to get Angela Lansbury to be a singing teapot. But now look out, you've got Reese Witherspoon and Hugh Laurie and Kiefer Sutherland and Seth Rogen, and even Stephen Colbert and Renee Zellweger in bit parts. And then you throw in the new trend in animation: Three Dimensions! But wait, that's not all; IMAX wants in on the act too! And before you know it, you've got all the trappings of a major motion picture, with no physical set to speak of. What does it all mean? Well, I don't know; I'm just here to watch movies, not to think. Thinking is silly. Especially if you're watching Monsters Vs. Aliens.
However, the disadvantage to this trend is that most animated films are still saddled with simple plots targeting the younger crowd. Maybe I'm alone in this, but can't we just get a nice animated film with some more mature material? No, I don't mean porn. I've seen enough hentai to be scarred for life. I just want a movie that's not another bland flavor of "Don't judge someone because they're different", which is the theme of about 95% of all animated films since Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer showed us how it's done.
The plot: People judge someone because she's different. Then she saves the world. So nyah.
The pros: 3D is growing ever better and more realistic, allowing movies to give real depth to films without relying on too much "stuff jumps out at you" fluff. Although the paddle-ball thing was pretty funny. The strength of this movie is in the little things- the space monitors calling in a "Code Nimoy", the teenager makeout scene, President Stephen Colbert playing both the CE3K theme and "Axel Foley" to promote alien/human harmony, the monsters' resemblance to classic sci-fi critters, Bob hitting on a jello mold, and the Dr. Strangelove references. Character-wise, Insectosaurus takes the cake, despite having no lines of dialogue whatsoever.
The cons: The movie is really quite average, in the end. A simple story, no exceptional dialogue, and a predictable resolution make it a movie for kids, with very little for adults to enjoy. Take a lesson from Toy Story and The Incredibles - you can throw down much more material that all ages can appreciate. Also, there's just something about Reese Witherspoon that annoys me. I really can't place it, and it's not even justifiable. It just is. And then there's her transformation into Ginormica. She's at her wedding, in a wedding dress. She grows to about twenty times her height. Her garter snaps off, but the dress remains. Now, granted, it is unlikely that an animated film would allow a hundred-foot-tall nekkid woman running around. But... well, ok, I can't come up with a good solution. But still.
The verdict: Nice and shiny in IMAX 3D. Something for the kids to enjoy; adults, a bit less so.
Disclaimer: Maybe she's nekkid in the director's cut.
Next up, giant men:
Watchmen
Let's skip over all the controversy for a moment. Yes, Fox and WB had a bit of a dispute over ownership rights. And it was legally, if not deservedly, sound. Moving on. Yes, one can see a male penis in this movie. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. It's just a penis. Come on, folks. Has no one on earth ever seen a penis before? Sure, they might not have seen a GLOWING BLUE WANG, but all color schemes aside, it's just Billy Crudup's average-looking schlong. (EDIT: Although if you sing about it, you give it power.) And finally, Yes, Alan Moore is a cranky old guy who really digs his own work and is talking smack about the movie based on his property. Like that's never happened before either. Nothing to see here, guys.
When you get down to it, "Watchmen" is a superhero movie unlike most others. The world's been impressed by "The Dark Knight", entertained by "Iron Man", and inspired by "Spider-Man". But the heroes in "Watchmen" are not super-powered, for the most part. They are vigilantes in a Cold War era, fighting small crime while the world approaches a nuclear doomsday. And they're batshit crazy, in most cases. This makes for an interesting setting, and an interesting story. But it's not necessarily one that translates perfectly into film.
The plot: It's the end of the world as we know it, and we feel fine. Except for the poor schmucks who get killed en route.
The pros: A number of the pros apply specifically to fans of the original graphic novel. WB has done an amazing job at capturing the visual feel of the original story, with many scenes in the film being exact visual replicas of individual graphic panels from the book. With the casting as well, they have found exactly the right people to be Rorschach, Nite Owl, Silk Spectre, The Comedian, and Dr. Manhattan. And a good chunk of the original story remains intact, for better or for worse. A part I especially enjoyed was the introductory montage showing "history" with the vigilantes, done to "The Times, They Are A-Changing." Also, I like dark "non-heroes", and this movie is full of them. Rorschach and The Comedian are great characters, and played well.
The cons: This movie is long, and drawn out, and at times unnecessarily so. While the original story is very complex, and requires a lot of detail, some of that exposition makes for boring screen time. It is tough to reconcile the two into a happy equilibrium, but perhaps a little more editing could have gone on. I'm certain the "director's cut" will contain a plethora of deleted scenes. Secondly, the final scene of "villainy" just doesn't carry the same weight as it does in the original story. It is too clean, bloodless, and consequently not quite as meaningful. And the "villain" just isn't as convincing as he could be. There are few nitpicks, but they add up substantially to offset some of the clean copying that was done from paper to screen.
The verdict: If you're a fan of the original, I think you do want to go see it. You may love or hate it; hard to say. If you know nothing of the original, I still recommend it as a divergence from most superhero-class films.
Disclaimer: This movie was not done in 3D, which is fine. Although the scene where Nite Owl completely RUINATED that gangster's arm would have been splendid in "COMING AT YOU!" 3D.
Finally, some normal-sized people:
Knowing
This movie started out like "The Happening", and that was a pretty big strike against it. Luckily, it got better. You're probably saying "That's not saying much; it's hard to get worse than 'The Happening'". Not entirely fair; "The Happening" featured Marky Mark talking to a plastic plant, and a guy running himself over with a lawn mower. That there's some quality cinema. But I digress. "Knowing" starts off similarly, with a teacher facing up with unnatural disasters. And then it gets different. And, as I said, better.
The most deceptive part of this film is the trailer. I think it's not an entirely accurate representation of the film as a whole. It's not an action-packed extravaganza. It ends up being a pseudo-Biblical account of Genesis. That sounds crazy, yes. But it's about the sum of it. And, as epic disaster movies go, this one is balls-to-the-wall the most disastrous of them all. Mostly because, and here's the key spoiler, the big epic disaster that threatens all of mankind (and which usually is averted thanks to the actions of heroes like Bruce Willis) is not stopped. That right there gets this movie bonus points.
The plot: A message from the past! Psychic whispers! Alien angels! Big body count! Exclamation points!
The pros: Again, this "disaster movie" gets credit for going in a different direction. The heroes cannot escape their fate. They cannot prevent what is to come. They try, and they fail. Only those who are chosen survive the apocalypse. Nicolas Cage does what he does well - drawl his way through the film and look confused. He's the right man for the job. Rose "this isn't quite as much fun as sexing up Brad Pitt in Troy" Byrne brings a very humanizing performance as the daughter of a "crazy person" who feels her own doom crawling after her. All the disaster sequences are well-filmed, and the final earth-shattering incident is tremendous to watch.
The cons: Well, far-fetched is probably the word to use here. But that's ultimately why we go watch movies anyway, right? Sure it is. And then there are the aliens masquerading as angels. Well, maybe not masquerading. No one actually says "angel" in the movie. But that's the reference, with the Biblical picture from Ezekiel showing the chariot of "wheels within wheels" and the alien ship with "spheres within spheres". And, finally, all the rescued children of the world are running around on a new planet with a big Biblical tree in the middle. Mmmmmm, tastes like ham-handed symbolism. Which is for the best, really, because I always sucked at symbolism. English Literature was never my strong point.
The verdict: Hit it up for cheap on Netflix. It's worth a shot, if you're into actiony disaster films with a tweest.
Disclaimer: I want holy laser breath like alien angels too.
First, giant women:
Monsters vs. Aliens
What do big-name actors and actresses do in their downtime? Why, they do voiceovers for animated films, of course! Animated films didn't always have the celebrity starpower they do today; back then, you were lucky to get Angela Lansbury to be a singing teapot. But now look out, you've got Reese Witherspoon and Hugh Laurie and Kiefer Sutherland and Seth Rogen, and even Stephen Colbert and Renee Zellweger in bit parts. And then you throw in the new trend in animation: Three Dimensions! But wait, that's not all; IMAX wants in on the act too! And before you know it, you've got all the trappings of a major motion picture, with no physical set to speak of. What does it all mean? Well, I don't know; I'm just here to watch movies, not to think. Thinking is silly. Especially if you're watching Monsters Vs. Aliens.
However, the disadvantage to this trend is that most animated films are still saddled with simple plots targeting the younger crowd. Maybe I'm alone in this, but can't we just get a nice animated film with some more mature material? No, I don't mean porn. I've seen enough hentai to be scarred for life. I just want a movie that's not another bland flavor of "Don't judge someone because they're different", which is the theme of about 95% of all animated films since Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer showed us how it's done.
The plot: People judge someone because she's different. Then she saves the world. So nyah.
The pros: 3D is growing ever better and more realistic, allowing movies to give real depth to films without relying on too much "stuff jumps out at you" fluff. Although the paddle-ball thing was pretty funny. The strength of this movie is in the little things- the space monitors calling in a "Code Nimoy", the teenager makeout scene, President Stephen Colbert playing both the CE3K theme and "Axel Foley" to promote alien/human harmony, the monsters' resemblance to classic sci-fi critters, Bob hitting on a jello mold, and the Dr. Strangelove references. Character-wise, Insectosaurus takes the cake, despite having no lines of dialogue whatsoever.
The cons: The movie is really quite average, in the end. A simple story, no exceptional dialogue, and a predictable resolution make it a movie for kids, with very little for adults to enjoy. Take a lesson from Toy Story and The Incredibles - you can throw down much more material that all ages can appreciate. Also, there's just something about Reese Witherspoon that annoys me. I really can't place it, and it's not even justifiable. It just is. And then there's her transformation into Ginormica. She's at her wedding, in a wedding dress. She grows to about twenty times her height. Her garter snaps off, but the dress remains. Now, granted, it is unlikely that an animated film would allow a hundred-foot-tall nekkid woman running around. But... well, ok, I can't come up with a good solution. But still.
The verdict: Nice and shiny in IMAX 3D. Something for the kids to enjoy; adults, a bit less so.
Disclaimer: Maybe she's nekkid in the director's cut.
Next up, giant men:
Watchmen
Let's skip over all the controversy for a moment. Yes, Fox and WB had a bit of a dispute over ownership rights. And it was legally, if not deservedly, sound. Moving on. Yes, one can see a male penis in this movie. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. It's just a penis. Come on, folks. Has no one on earth ever seen a penis before? Sure, they might not have seen a GLOWING BLUE WANG, but all color schemes aside, it's just Billy Crudup's average-looking schlong. (EDIT: Although if you sing about it, you give it power.) And finally, Yes, Alan Moore is a cranky old guy who really digs his own work and is talking smack about the movie based on his property. Like that's never happened before either. Nothing to see here, guys.
When you get down to it, "Watchmen" is a superhero movie unlike most others. The world's been impressed by "The Dark Knight", entertained by "Iron Man", and inspired by "Spider-Man". But the heroes in "Watchmen" are not super-powered, for the most part. They are vigilantes in a Cold War era, fighting small crime while the world approaches a nuclear doomsday. And they're batshit crazy, in most cases. This makes for an interesting setting, and an interesting story. But it's not necessarily one that translates perfectly into film.
The plot: It's the end of the world as we know it, and we feel fine. Except for the poor schmucks who get killed en route.
The pros: A number of the pros apply specifically to fans of the original graphic novel. WB has done an amazing job at capturing the visual feel of the original story, with many scenes in the film being exact visual replicas of individual graphic panels from the book. With the casting as well, they have found exactly the right people to be Rorschach, Nite Owl, Silk Spectre, The Comedian, and Dr. Manhattan. And a good chunk of the original story remains intact, for better or for worse. A part I especially enjoyed was the introductory montage showing "history" with the vigilantes, done to "The Times, They Are A-Changing." Also, I like dark "non-heroes", and this movie is full of them. Rorschach and The Comedian are great characters, and played well.
The cons: This movie is long, and drawn out, and at times unnecessarily so. While the original story is very complex, and requires a lot of detail, some of that exposition makes for boring screen time. It is tough to reconcile the two into a happy equilibrium, but perhaps a little more editing could have gone on. I'm certain the "director's cut" will contain a plethora of deleted scenes. Secondly, the final scene of "villainy" just doesn't carry the same weight as it does in the original story. It is too clean, bloodless, and consequently not quite as meaningful. And the "villain" just isn't as convincing as he could be. There are few nitpicks, but they add up substantially to offset some of the clean copying that was done from paper to screen.
The verdict: If you're a fan of the original, I think you do want to go see it. You may love or hate it; hard to say. If you know nothing of the original, I still recommend it as a divergence from most superhero-class films.
Disclaimer: This movie was not done in 3D, which is fine. Although the scene where Nite Owl completely RUINATED that gangster's arm would have been splendid in "COMING AT YOU!" 3D.
Finally, some normal-sized people:
Knowing
This movie started out like "The Happening", and that was a pretty big strike against it. Luckily, it got better. You're probably saying "That's not saying much; it's hard to get worse than 'The Happening'". Not entirely fair; "The Happening" featured Marky Mark talking to a plastic plant, and a guy running himself over with a lawn mower. That there's some quality cinema. But I digress. "Knowing" starts off similarly, with a teacher facing up with unnatural disasters. And then it gets different. And, as I said, better.
The most deceptive part of this film is the trailer. I think it's not an entirely accurate representation of the film as a whole. It's not an action-packed extravaganza. It ends up being a pseudo-Biblical account of Genesis. That sounds crazy, yes. But it's about the sum of it. And, as epic disaster movies go, this one is balls-to-the-wall the most disastrous of them all. Mostly because, and here's the key spoiler, the big epic disaster that threatens all of mankind (and which usually is averted thanks to the actions of heroes like Bruce Willis) is not stopped. That right there gets this movie bonus points.
The plot: A message from the past! Psychic whispers! Alien angels! Big body count! Exclamation points!
The pros: Again, this "disaster movie" gets credit for going in a different direction. The heroes cannot escape their fate. They cannot prevent what is to come. They try, and they fail. Only those who are chosen survive the apocalypse. Nicolas Cage does what he does well - drawl his way through the film and look confused. He's the right man for the job. Rose "this isn't quite as much fun as sexing up Brad Pitt in Troy" Byrne brings a very humanizing performance as the daughter of a "crazy person" who feels her own doom crawling after her. All the disaster sequences are well-filmed, and the final earth-shattering incident is tremendous to watch.
The cons: Well, far-fetched is probably the word to use here. But that's ultimately why we go watch movies anyway, right? Sure it is. And then there are the aliens masquerading as angels. Well, maybe not masquerading. No one actually says "angel" in the movie. But that's the reference, with the Biblical picture from Ezekiel showing the chariot of "wheels within wheels" and the alien ship with "spheres within spheres". And, finally, all the rescued children of the world are running around on a new planet with a big Biblical tree in the middle. Mmmmmm, tastes like ham-handed symbolism. Which is for the best, really, because I always sucked at symbolism. English Literature was never my strong point.
The verdict: Hit it up for cheap on Netflix. It's worth a shot, if you're into actiony disaster films with a tweest.
Disclaimer: I want holy laser breath like alien angels too.