Munitions-heavy Movie Reviews!
Not every summer blockbuster/release can be Batman: The Dark Knight. Sometimes (read: often) they are something considerably less. This, however, does not mean that they're bad. Just... less good.
Wanted
This movie is apparently based on a comic book property. I suppose, after watching it, that this should not have surprised me. It is very much like watching an action-intensive comic book sequence, from the outlanding stunts to the superhuman abilities of the characters to the outrageousness of the premise. And yet, because I'm me, I fall for it hook, line, and sinker, like a rabid fangirl squealing over the latest Twilight release. Bad action movies truly are my drug of choice.
Normally I'd talk about the pros and cons of the movie here. I think there's no real need to do so. If you're interested in this movie, it's because A) you are, like me, perfectly capable of suspending your disbelief, sitting back, and watching the crazy fly by, or B) you get to see Angelina Jolie's naked backside for a ten second slo-mo shot. Both are valid reasons to watch this film.
Instead, I'm just going to spill the film's metaphorical guts and tell you what it's all about. Since you can figure most stuff out within about ten minutes of watching, you're not going to be too disappointed.
0) Prologue! A bunch of weavers turn into assassins. Weavers. Like, with cloth and shit.
1) Death on the Rooftop! Mister X kills some fools, jumps 200' from skyscraper to skyscraper, kills more fools, and then gets shot at from 4689123 miles away by The Villain.
2) Oh Drudgery! Our Hero works in an office and is a total pussy.
3) Angelina Jolie saves Our Hero from being killed by The Villain. She uses a gun with a swingy-thing and a viewfinder so that she can shoot around sharp corners in a grocery store. Our Hero might have creamed his pants when she touched him.
4) Car Chase! Angelina Jolie rescues Our Hero by hitting him with the side of her sports car, conveniently knocking him into the passenger seat without breaking his ankles. She then sprawls on the hood of the car, on her back, steering with her feet, while shooting at The Villain. Our Hero is looking up her skirt this whole time. He may have creamed his pants again.
5) Meet The Family! Our Hero meets the League of Shadows League of Assassins. They frighten him. They tell him The Villain killed His Father, whom he never knew. He shoots the wings off of some flies, and goes home. Morgan Freeman plays the role he was born to play: Wise Old Father Figure Mentor Dude.
6) Return to Reality! Our Hero goes back to work, tells off his boss in spectacular fashion, and whales his friend in the jaw with a keyboard. The keys fly off the keyboard to spell "FUCK YOU", except the last U is the guy's molar. I'll give props for that.
7) Return to Crazytown! Our Hero says, sure, I'll be an assassin. I'll avenge my father's death. They say ok and then beat the shit out of him.
8) Still getting the shit beat out of him in Crazytown. Even Angelina gets to hit him a few times. He might have creamed his pants again.
9) This is that montage sequence you get in every action movie, where Our Hero goes through crazy training to become a Jedi Knight The One Batman something greater than he originally was. Also, the asassins have this gooey waxy bath stuff that, if you're immersed in it, heals all your wounds. Pretty much. It doesn't save bit characters though.
10) THE PLOT POINT! Apparently, these assassins are so awesome that they can defy the laws of physics curve bullets in midair, much like a bowler can curve a bowling ball down the lane. But these guys can really curve the hell out of a bullet's path. It's really important that Our Hero learns how to do this well, because fuck it if everyone and his brother can't also do it.
11) THE OTHER PLOT POINT! Apparently, these assassins kill because a magic loom tells them who needs to be removed from the tapestry of fate. I shit you knot.
12) Our Hero has to kill someone. He can't do it because he has some moral fibers in there somewhere.
13) Our Hero gets better. After he sees Angelina's hot nekkid backside. Moral Fibers, BEGONE! He goes off and pastes a bunch of feebs. He somersaults a car over another car to shoot some guy through his sunroof. That was impressive.
14) The Villain tricks Our Hero into killing the nice weird Russian assassin guy. The nice weird Russian assassin guy, despite being the guy whose job it is to maintain the magical healing goo pools, does not get healed by goo in time. That's called irony. Our Hero gets cranky and insists on facing off against The Villain, but Angelina Jolie is tasked to kill Our Hero when he is finished. OH NOEZ!
15) Our Hero first finds the guy who makes The Villain's bullets. The guy agrees, when faced with lots of heavy weaponry. The guy is Terrence "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" Stamp. He does not say "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!", which is a damn shame.
16) This Scene Is Like Watching A Train Wreck. Our Hero and The Villain battle inside the train. Angelina drives a car into the side of the train. The train gets messed up and goes from a pleasant countryside drive to a SUDDEN DEEP RAVINE! This, of course, is where the train suffers a critical malfunction and derails. Our Hero is saved from falling by The Villain, and pays him back with a bullet to the heart. Moral Fiber, BEGONE! They share a Star Wars moment and The Villain says "I am your father". Then the train car gets wedged in the ravine, Angelina shows up to shoot Our Hero, and he gets away by plummeting another few hundred feet into a river. Neither he nor Angelina die. Everyone else on the train presumably does. Moral Fiber, BEGONE!
17) Terrence Stamp rescues Our Hero because he knows the truth. The Villain, who is not really a villain, has uncovered a dark secret about the assassins and is an outcast. Our Hero desires vengeance and comes up with a plan to destroy the League of Assassins.
18) Mickey Mouse Club! Our Hero attacks the assassin's headquarters with an army of mice laced with explosives. Like that scene in Batman Returns, where The Penguin has an army of missile-laden penguins on the march. Only with rats and mice this time. And peanut butter. And then they all explode and...yeah. Even I didn't quite get it.
19) Boss Battles! Our Hero faces off against Knife Guy and Beatdown Guy. Surprise; he wins!
20) Confrontation! Our Hero faces off against Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie inside a library, which is circular. All the baddies are positioned along the wall of the circular room. This is important. The truth comes out: Everyone in the League of Assassins is mentioned as a victim by the Magic Loom Of Fateful Death, so Morgan said fuck it, let's just kill other motherfuckers instead. Angelina Jolie lives up to the code and fires one last curvy bullet that travels along the circular wall and kills everyone in the room, herself included, except Morgan Freeman and Our Hero, because they were not properly positioned. Our Hero is saddened by the death of the hottest piece of ass he ever laid eyes on. And rightly so.
21) Finale! Morgan Freeman goes to Our Hero's office, where he finds a decoy in place. Our Hero brings the tale full circle by shooting Morgan Freeman from 48989732 miles away, just like the opening scene.
THE END
...at least until Wanted 2: Direct To DVD Boogaloo.
Wanted
This movie is apparently based on a comic book property. I suppose, after watching it, that this should not have surprised me. It is very much like watching an action-intensive comic book sequence, from the outlanding stunts to the superhuman abilities of the characters to the outrageousness of the premise. And yet, because I'm me, I fall for it hook, line, and sinker, like a rabid fangirl squealing over the latest Twilight release. Bad action movies truly are my drug of choice.
Normally I'd talk about the pros and cons of the movie here. I think there's no real need to do so. If you're interested in this movie, it's because A) you are, like me, perfectly capable of suspending your disbelief, sitting back, and watching the crazy fly by, or B) you get to see Angelina Jolie's naked backside for a ten second slo-mo shot. Both are valid reasons to watch this film.
Instead, I'm just going to spill the film's metaphorical guts and tell you what it's all about. Since you can figure most stuff out within about ten minutes of watching, you're not going to be too disappointed.
0) Prologue! A bunch of weavers turn into assassins. Weavers. Like, with cloth and shit.
1) Death on the Rooftop! Mister X kills some fools, jumps 200' from skyscraper to skyscraper, kills more fools, and then gets shot at from 4689123 miles away by The Villain.
2) Oh Drudgery! Our Hero works in an office and is a total pussy.
3) Angelina Jolie saves Our Hero from being killed by The Villain. She uses a gun with a swingy-thing and a viewfinder so that she can shoot around sharp corners in a grocery store. Our Hero might have creamed his pants when she touched him.
4) Car Chase! Angelina Jolie rescues Our Hero by hitting him with the side of her sports car, conveniently knocking him into the passenger seat without breaking his ankles. She then sprawls on the hood of the car, on her back, steering with her feet, while shooting at The Villain. Our Hero is looking up her skirt this whole time. He may have creamed his pants again.
5) Meet The Family! Our Hero meets the League of Shadows League of Assassins. They frighten him. They tell him The Villain killed His Father, whom he never knew. He shoots the wings off of some flies, and goes home. Morgan Freeman plays the role he was born to play: Wise Old Father Figure Mentor Dude.
6) Return to Reality! Our Hero goes back to work, tells off his boss in spectacular fashion, and whales his friend in the jaw with a keyboard. The keys fly off the keyboard to spell "FUCK YOU", except the last U is the guy's molar. I'll give props for that.
7) Return to Crazytown! Our Hero says, sure, I'll be an assassin. I'll avenge my father's death. They say ok and then beat the shit out of him.
8) Still getting the shit beat out of him in Crazytown. Even Angelina gets to hit him a few times. He might have creamed his pants again.
9) This is that montage sequence you get in every action movie, where Our Hero goes through crazy training to become a Jedi Knight The One Batman something greater than he originally was. Also, the asassins have this gooey waxy bath stuff that, if you're immersed in it, heals all your wounds. Pretty much. It doesn't save bit characters though.
10) THE PLOT POINT! Apparently, these assassins are so awesome that they can defy the laws of physics curve bullets in midair, much like a bowler can curve a bowling ball down the lane. But these guys can really curve the hell out of a bullet's path. It's really important that Our Hero learns how to do this well, because fuck it if everyone and his brother can't also do it.
11) THE OTHER PLOT POINT! Apparently, these assassins kill because a magic loom tells them who needs to be removed from the tapestry of fate. I shit you knot.
12) Our Hero has to kill someone. He can't do it because he has some moral fibers in there somewhere.
13) Our Hero gets better. After he sees Angelina's hot nekkid backside. Moral Fibers, BEGONE! He goes off and pastes a bunch of feebs. He somersaults a car over another car to shoot some guy through his sunroof. That was impressive.
14) The Villain tricks Our Hero into killing the nice weird Russian assassin guy. The nice weird Russian assassin guy, despite being the guy whose job it is to maintain the magical healing goo pools, does not get healed by goo in time. That's called irony. Our Hero gets cranky and insists on facing off against The Villain, but Angelina Jolie is tasked to kill Our Hero when he is finished. OH NOEZ!
15) Our Hero first finds the guy who makes The Villain's bullets. The guy agrees, when faced with lots of heavy weaponry. The guy is Terrence "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" Stamp. He does not say "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!", which is a damn shame.
16) This Scene Is Like Watching A Train Wreck. Our Hero and The Villain battle inside the train. Angelina drives a car into the side of the train. The train gets messed up and goes from a pleasant countryside drive to a SUDDEN DEEP RAVINE! This, of course, is where the train suffers a critical malfunction and derails. Our Hero is saved from falling by The Villain, and pays him back with a bullet to the heart. Moral Fiber, BEGONE! They share a Star Wars moment and The Villain says "I am your father". Then the train car gets wedged in the ravine, Angelina shows up to shoot Our Hero, and he gets away by plummeting another few hundred feet into a river. Neither he nor Angelina die. Everyone else on the train presumably does. Moral Fiber, BEGONE!
17) Terrence Stamp rescues Our Hero because he knows the truth. The Villain, who is not really a villain, has uncovered a dark secret about the assassins and is an outcast. Our Hero desires vengeance and comes up with a plan to destroy the League of Assassins.
18) Mickey Mouse Club! Our Hero attacks the assassin's headquarters with an army of mice laced with explosives. Like that scene in Batman Returns, where The Penguin has an army of missile-laden penguins on the march. Only with rats and mice this time. And peanut butter. And then they all explode and...yeah. Even I didn't quite get it.
19) Boss Battles! Our Hero faces off against Knife Guy and Beatdown Guy. Surprise; he wins!
20) Confrontation! Our Hero faces off against Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie inside a library, which is circular. All the baddies are positioned along the wall of the circular room. This is important. The truth comes out: Everyone in the League of Assassins is mentioned as a victim by the Magic Loom Of Fateful Death, so Morgan said fuck it, let's just kill other motherfuckers instead. Angelina Jolie lives up to the code and fires one last curvy bullet that travels along the circular wall and kills everyone in the room, herself included, except Morgan Freeman and Our Hero, because they were not properly positioned. Our Hero is saddened by the death of the hottest piece of ass he ever laid eyes on. And rightly so.
21) Finale! Morgan Freeman goes to Our Hero's office, where he finds a decoy in place. Our Hero brings the tale full circle by shooting Morgan Freeman from 48989732 miles away, just like the opening scene.
THE END
...at least until Wanted 2: Direct To DVD Boogaloo.