Mutated Movie Madness!
While this movie wasn't on my list of films to see, I went as a gesture of good will and... well, maybe not good will, more like malicious will. But that's beside the point. The review appears anyway!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Forget about all the background data regarding the movie. All you need to know is TMNT Comic book became TV cartoon became live-action movies became this animated film. They're turtles that have been mutated into anthropomorphized characters and trained in the arts of the ninja by a mutant ninja rat. Really, what more do you need to know? Oh yes, they're named after great Renaissance artists, just to add to the surrealistic nature of the setting. That's about it.
The background that involves me going to this film is another story entirely.
So, the karate school where I teach and work out decides that they'd have a Movie Day for the kids, and have all the younger students go out together to see TMNT. It's fair enough; movies like this are the reason martial arts schools stay in business. Kids want to be ninjas; it's a simple fact. Anyway, the chief instructor asks some of the adult instructors to help out and provide a bit of organization and chaperonage.
Now, it's no secret that I'm not the best with children. I don't really have much patience, and I expect them to obey without question or suffer the consequences. As a result, I don't teach too many kids classes. All this is known fact. All the other instructors know it. Most of the parents know it. Most of the kids probably know it too.
So imagine the surprise of any number of people when I go to the office and declare "I'd like to sign up and help out with the Movie Day."
The sound of four jaws hitting the floor was worth the $7 ticket right there on the spot, followed by "You? You want to go? You?"
This was made even better when I showed up at the movie and another instructor said "You mean they actually let you come to this? They're crazier than I thought..."
Anyway, let's finish up the story and get to the review.
The plot: Ninja turtles fight evil. You didn't expect Shakespearean drama now, did you?
The pros: Simple, wholesome fun for the kids. Graphically stylized ninja action provides a violence input level that's far less graphic than most PlayStation games nowadays, so parents can feel all good about themselves for that. The lessons about brotherhood and redemption and forgiveness are all great lessons that will pass over the heads of the kids because OMGTURTLES. The great voice acting by Mako and Patrick Stewart and Zhang Ziyi, and even Sarah Michelle Buffy, with bonus narration by Lawrence Fishburne, give the supporting characters a little extra oomph. Personally I liked the scene where Raphael and Leonardo fight for Alpha Maleness. Old-school TMNT fans might approve of the movie's somewhat darker, grittier feel, a testament to the original comics, although still toned down for the kiddies.
The cons: Well, we're not really going in this for exceptional writing or plot or anything like that. If you're watching this, it's because you (or, more likely, your offspring) want to see ninja turtles kick butt. Which they do. If you're older, like me and the person sitting next to me, you'll spend your 90 minutes making fun of Captain Picard and Mako.
"Excellent work, Number One. Now let us beam up into another dimension before the Klingon Turtles arrive. Make it so!"
"Between the days when the Mafia claimed Jersey and the rise of the towers of Wall Street there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, four turtles, destined to wield the power of the ninja, came to be. Let me tell you of days of High Adventure!"
Other cons of this film involve someone deciding that I looked like Master Splinter. In case you don't know, Master Splinter is a rat. A giant anthropomorphic rat.
That's him in the middle. The fuzzy, rat-like one. The one who does not look like me.
The news of my rodential appearance has been greatly exaggerated.
The verdict: For kids who like ninjas, this will slake their thirst. For adults who like ninjas, you should be watching a Jet Li movie, but this'll do if you're taking your ninja-loving kids out.
Disclaimer: Seriously, Patrick Stewart jokes will never get old in this movie.
Disclaimer: Mako, RIP. He rocks.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Forget about all the background data regarding the movie. All you need to know is TMNT Comic book became TV cartoon became live-action movies became this animated film. They're turtles that have been mutated into anthropomorphized characters and trained in the arts of the ninja by a mutant ninja rat. Really, what more do you need to know? Oh yes, they're named after great Renaissance artists, just to add to the surrealistic nature of the setting. That's about it.
The background that involves me going to this film is another story entirely.
So, the karate school where I teach and work out decides that they'd have a Movie Day for the kids, and have all the younger students go out together to see TMNT. It's fair enough; movies like this are the reason martial arts schools stay in business. Kids want to be ninjas; it's a simple fact. Anyway, the chief instructor asks some of the adult instructors to help out and provide a bit of organization and chaperonage.
Now, it's no secret that I'm not the best with children. I don't really have much patience, and I expect them to obey without question or suffer the consequences. As a result, I don't teach too many kids classes. All this is known fact. All the other instructors know it. Most of the parents know it. Most of the kids probably know it too.
So imagine the surprise of any number of people when I go to the office and declare "I'd like to sign up and help out with the Movie Day."
The sound of four jaws hitting the floor was worth the $7 ticket right there on the spot, followed by "You? You want to go? You?"
This was made even better when I showed up at the movie and another instructor said "You mean they actually let you come to this? They're crazier than I thought..."
Anyway, let's finish up the story and get to the review.
The plot: Ninja turtles fight evil. You didn't expect Shakespearean drama now, did you?
The pros: Simple, wholesome fun for the kids. Graphically stylized ninja action provides a violence input level that's far less graphic than most PlayStation games nowadays, so parents can feel all good about themselves for that. The lessons about brotherhood and redemption and forgiveness are all great lessons that will pass over the heads of the kids because OMGTURTLES. The great voice acting by Mako and Patrick Stewart and Zhang Ziyi, and even Sarah Michelle Buffy, with bonus narration by Lawrence Fishburne, give the supporting characters a little extra oomph. Personally I liked the scene where Raphael and Leonardo fight for Alpha Maleness. Old-school TMNT fans might approve of the movie's somewhat darker, grittier feel, a testament to the original comics, although still toned down for the kiddies.
The cons: Well, we're not really going in this for exceptional writing or plot or anything like that. If you're watching this, it's because you (or, more likely, your offspring) want to see ninja turtles kick butt. Which they do. If you're older, like me and the person sitting next to me, you'll spend your 90 minutes making fun of Captain Picard and Mako.
"Excellent work, Number One. Now let us beam up into another dimension before the Klingon Turtles arrive. Make it so!"
"Between the days when the Mafia claimed Jersey and the rise of the towers of Wall Street there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, four turtles, destined to wield the power of the ninja, came to be. Let me tell you of days of High Adventure!"
Other cons of this film involve someone deciding that I looked like Master Splinter. In case you don't know, Master Splinter is a rat. A giant anthropomorphic rat.
That's him in the middle. The fuzzy, rat-like one. The one who does not look like me.
The news of my rodential appearance has been greatly exaggerated.
The verdict: For kids who like ninjas, this will slake their thirst. For adults who like ninjas, you should be watching a Jet Li movie, but this'll do if you're taking your ninja-loving kids out.
Disclaimer: Seriously, Patrick Stewart jokes will never get old in this movie.
Disclaimer: Mako, RIP. He rocks.