[Fic] Painful Mistakes Chapter 05
Title: Painful Mistakes
Beta: None
Pairing: Akame, KAT-TUN friendship
Rating: NC17
Disclaimer: None of them belongs to me...T___T
Genre: Angst,Romance,Friendship
Summary: Jin is back to Japan for a few days. Even though he is hesitating,he still pays TTUN a visit. But when he accidentally meets Kame, instead of having a clear talk about KAT-TUN's future, they end falling in greater despair than before. And it's obvious things will just keep going from bad to worse (summary fail,I totally apologize *bows*)
A/N: This is actually dedicated to haloyn , because she was the one who convinced me to post this crazy idea and because we both wanted more eye-liner!Kame fics *hugs*
Chapter 05
It was definitely not the best night for TTUN. Even though they were told to stay put and continue singing, they had all rushed to Kame’s side to make sure he was ok. He had hit his head from the bad fall and still hadn’t regain consciousness. He was transferred to the nearest hospital immediately, accompanied by the rest of the members. They hadn’t even bothered to apologize to the audience or make a public statement in front of the media.
They couldn’t do anything but wait as the doctors took Kame. Sitting on the chairs, Koki and Junno were shaking. Maru had leaned on the wall, sighing every 5 minutes while Ueda couldn’t stand still and was walking up and down.
“Why can’t he see his own limits, dammit…” he mumbled, crossing his arms to his chest. “He had a fucking fever…”
“We shouldn’t have let him.” Maru added. “We should have been stricter…”
“But…but it may be nothing serious!” Junno tried to enlighten the mood, always trying to look at the bright side. “At least now he can stay here and rest!”
“You’re right, but still…” Koki whispered, but was cut off by the doctor’s sudden presence. His face had a hard to explain expression. It was neither sad, nor happy.
“Is he ok?” Maru asked immediately. The doctor exhaled deeply.
“He collapsed due to overwork and probably something psychological that was tormenting him.”
“Tell me about it.” Koki hissed.
“The hit on his head…it’s not life threatening. He will wake up in a few days, but the consequences are still unknown.”
“What…what do you mean?” it was Junno’s time to speak with an appalled voice.
“We can’t say for sure what the fall might have caused…he was hit on a sensitive spot, so we can’t be sure…there is a probability of him having amnesia, or some king of paralyzation.”
No one felt the need to say something after hearing that. What could they say after all? What could they say to make the whole situation easier?
Maru’s phone disturbed the silence and he hurried to pick it up. He apologized a few times, nodded and hung up, looking at the others worryingly.
“It’s our manager.” He blurted out. “Reporters have flooded the hospital’s entrance.”
They looked at each other speechless. It was expected. They had created a ruckus when they left with no words, so they shouldn’t be complaining.
“We’ll go to them.” Junno said, grabbing Maru’s hand. “You two stay here and take care of Kame. And if anything happens, just let us know.”
The three goggled their eyes for a second, but then nodded in agreement. It was rare to see Junno acting so calmly. KAT-TUN could indeed be united at tough time, after all.
“Ok. Go. Kame-chan will be ok, I promise.” Ueda gave them a faint smile. He and Koki turned to the doctor.
“This way.” He said as he slowly led them to Kame’s room. They were allowed to go in for just ten minutes, yet it was too much for both of them. It was nerve-wrecking to watch Kame in that state. The eyeliner on his eyes that no one had found the time to take off was a total contradiction to the white hospital clothes and it made him look even paler that he already was. The knock on his head had bled a bit before, yet it was enough to make Kame look as pallid as ever.
“Look at him…” Koki whispered, gulping down a sob. “Even when he’s like this, he looks so beautiful…he does his best to be perfect, even unconsciously…”
Ueda only nodded, unable to hold his own tears. There wasn’t anything he could disagree on. The youngest member had always been the one to shoulder most of their responsibilities. His fall was only a matter of time.
“It’s his fault.” Koki groaned between his tears. “He drove Kame-chan to this. He was the one that made him overwork himself. I’ll fucking kill him.”
“Huh? Koki, what-“
He didn’t manage to complete his sentence as the rapper dashed out of the room with the mobile in his hand. Ueda stood still for a second, confused.
And then he realized.
“Shit.” He mumbled and followed Koki. “Don’t do this, it’s a bad idea!”
“I don’t give a damn! He’s the one to blame for Kame’s situation. He should pay!”
“Do you have any idea of how much you will have to pay if you call him? He’s in America, you know!” Ueda tried to reason him.
“Like I care! Money is nothing, Kame’s in great trouble!” Koki hissed, wiping his tears on his sleeve.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
He had almost decided to feed himself a sleeping pill since the lack of sleep was becoming inconvenient. Jin had never used them, but he was seriously considering on taking one. The sun had almost risen and he was still turning right and left on his bed, trying to sleep. He had managed to sleep for almost three hours, but he had woken up and hadn’t been able to fall asleep again.
He accused the hot temperature for his mess, but deep inside, he was secretly blaming both himself and Kame. He had tried to make their conversation enjoyable, yet he was sure (from the abrupt way Kame had ended the phone call) that he had probably hurt the other one even more. He knew that he had cried, or at least, he had tears in his eyes during their talk. Kame had sounded so tired, so desperate, so heart-broken…he had been begging for his help all along, but Jin had decided to play his game and act like he hadn’t understood a thing.
And all of this because he couldn’t make a final choice. He couldn’t pick the career he really wanted and it had probably got on Kame’s nerves way more than he had imagined.
God, how much he wanted to see him again…he had missed the feeling of kissing him, his gorgeous eyes looking at him with a cold expression, yet sending him tons of messages at the same time…
He still hadn’t figured out if he was in love with Kame. He knew that he liked him. He had admitted that to himself by now. And he actually cared about him. It was the conclusion of their last conversation. He cared about Kame. But he still couldn’t tell if he loved him or not.
The sound of his phone startled him and he almost fell down. Having a phone call that early wasn’t something he was used to. He stretched his hand out and grabbed it reluctantly.
“Um…hello?”
“You fucking idiot!”
“Koki?” he almost chocked. “What are you-“
“Get your ass back to Japan now, you hear me? If you don’t, I’ll fly there and skin you alive!”
“What’s wrong? Are you ok, what’s got into you?” Jin asked curiously. What had he done again?
“I’m not ok, you bastard! None of us is ok and you’re the reason! What the hell did you do to Kame to cause him to end up like that?”
“Huh?”
“He’s in the hospital, you moron!” Koki growled from the other line. “He worked himself to death and had an accident during our concert! He’s in the hospital now and it’s all your fault!”
Yamapi had told Jin lots of times that there were moments he’d felt like he’d lost the ground under his feet. Jin could now understand him completely. He had the exact same feeling.
“…what?” he whispered in complete shock. Luckily, there was some kind of argument and the next moment, Ueda was on the phone.
“Jin? It’s me. Sorry for Koki, he just-“
“Is that true? How is Kame?”
“His life is not in danger, yet there are chances of him getting amnesia or some kind of paralyzation. He fell off the stage and hit his head.”
“You…you’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not. Ne…did anything happen between you two the day before the concert? Did you talk?”
“I…called him.” Jin confessed and suddenly, the size of his stupidity shined in front of him. Calling Kame right before a concert surely wasn’t a bright idea. “And…I don’t think it ended up good. I think he cried at some point, but he hung up so quickly…I wasn’t able to confirm it…”
“Well, I don’t think he actually cried, but it wasn’t wise no matter what.” Ueda sighed. “Jin…it’s not a happy game anymore. The situation is out of hand. Kame won’t be able to hold on for too much. Do you have any idea of how hard it is to act like both “K” and “A”? He is still too young to bear such a responsibility…”
“I never asked him to do that. I’m really sorry to hear he collapsed…and I know it’s my fault, so don’t try to make me feel even guiltier than I already do.” Jin murmured, still unable to believe what he had just heard. “I’m sorry for everything, Tatsuya. I know I act like a complete asshole and I know that Kame takes all the weight on his shoulders. I’m sorry…”
“If you really are, then now is the perfect time to show it.” Ueda replied firmly, walking away from Koki to avoid having the device stolen. “Prove it, Jin. We know it’s a hard choice for you. If you think that we truly believe you’ll be back, you’re wrong. We’re prepared, in case you decide to go solo. But you need to clear things out with Kame, because he can’t suffer anymore. It’s unfair.”
Yes, he knew that. Deep inside, he always had the fear that he would wake up someday to hear that Kame had collapsed. He wasn’t God, he couldn’t do everything perfectly, no matter how hard he would try.
Kame’s way to heal stress was to focus on his work. Jin had always been scolding him about that, especially when they were still close friends. He was always watching him from aside, tempted to help him at certain times. But their fears, grudges and worries had built a huge wall between them, a wall that they were both scared and unwilling to overcome.
“I don’t know if I can do this.” He whispered as fright conquered him completely. “I…I can’t bring down everything that keeps us apart in just one night, Tatsuya. I don’t even know if he wants me by his side. I don’t get his love. I’m a loser, he doesn’t deserve me and I don’t deserve his encouraging words. He said he wants me to stay here, but I feel that he needs me back. His heart is torn in two and I’m too scared to try and heal it…”
“Then come back and let him know!” Ueda lost his patience as new tears formed in his eyes. “This thing is eating you away! Seriously Jin, we don’t want to lose you! Kame tried to suppress his own fears and ended up here! You, on the other hand are not even trying! Where is the Akanishi Jin we all knew? You had never been so afraid! You always tried to fight the things that hurt you! Why are you running away now? Why are you backing out?”
“Because it’s for the best.” Jin answered with his own eyes teary. “We don’t have a future. Even if we clear things out, we know that we don’t stand a chance. We’re bandmates and Johnny is even more than strict. He’s cruel. We’ll only end up hurting each other in the end.”
There was no answer, which made Jin realize that Ueda agreed with him. He was just trying not to show it.
“Kame wants me to stay here, so that he can hate me, right?” he voiced out softly. “Everything will be easier if he hates me…it’ll be easier for me to leave KAT-TUN, that’s what he believes…am I wrong?”
He could never imagine the impact his own words would have on himself. He was starting to tremble. He would cry, he was sure. It was a dead end for their whatever-it-was relationship. Kame kept everything inside and he was running away. There was no future. Simple as that.
“You’re not wrong.” Ueda chocked out. “See? You do understand Kame, after all…”
And just like Kame had done to him, Jin hung up and smashed his mobile on the nearest wall. He bit his pillow in an attempt to muffle his sobs and not disturb the neighbors.
How the hell had they managed to screw themselves so badly? Where were the two innocent boys that were always fooling around together? Where were the two best friends that had shined from happiness when they found out that they would act in the same drama? Where was young Jin apologizing to young Kame for turning his back on his when he debuted with Yamapi? Where was their hug that overflowed bliss when their debut as KAT-TUN was officially announced? Where had the old Akame that everyone knew and loved been gone?
“I’m so sorry, Kazuya…” he whispered between his unstoppable sobs. “I’m sorry for making you suffer like this…I’m sorry for making you fall in love with me…I’m sorry that I can’t sort out my own feelings…”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
“What did he say?” Koki almost jumped on Ueda.
“He…hung up.”
“WHAT?” the younger one roared, grabbing is phone back. “HE DID WHAT?”
“Calm down, we’re at the hospital…”
“How could he? He’s totally ignoring Kame! How can he do that? How can he be so insensitive?”
“I’m not saying he’s right.” Ueda said quietly, head hung low. “But he’s scared and confused, too. I understand him, I think. He wants to come and check up on Kame, but their current situation holds him back.”
“And he believes that by sitting there, things will change?”
“I don’t know what he believes, Koki. I’m seriously thinking of giving up on them. They can’t see how deep in trouble they are. It’s starting to affect us as well.”
Both of them sat down and didn’t speak after that. When Junno and Maru came back and show their moist faces, they didn’t try asking what’s wrong. Words were unnecessary.
The next day found them at the exact same spots, only now they were accompanied by Yamapi and Ryo. Kame getting in the hospital was big news, so it wasn’t hard for them to find out about it. They had offered to bring them something to drink, like coffee, but TTUN had refused, saying that there was no need to. They weren’t sleepy, after all.
“When will he wake up? Do the doctors know?” Ryo asked them softly a couple of hours later.
“They said that it will probably take 2 to 3 more days.” was Maru’s faint reply. Pi shot them a worrying glare.
“You should rest too, guys. Johnny-san arranged your next concert for the following week, but you still need to rest. Kame won’t wake up now, so there’s no vital need for you to be here…”
“We can keep an eye on him.” Ryo offered. “Or you can at least take turns.”
“We’ll be fine, don’t worry.” Junno tried to smile, but was cut off by the black-haired man.
“You won’t be fine and cut the crap. Do you want your band to fall apart? Do you think Kamenashi would like that? Wouldn’t it make him feel even guiltier? The fact that you’re falling behind because of him?”
“Ryo-“
“You have the chance to keep your group united, nothing is final yet.” Ryo stood up, clearly upset. “He kept being strong for your sake until now. Is it that hard to do the same for him?”
“Why are you so mad?” Koki frowned.
“Because I’m fully aware of how it feels to lose a member.” Ryo replied coldly. “I’ve lost two, in case you’ve forgotten.”
He had silenced them completely. Could they object to that? They couldn’t. He wasn’t wrong. They were just sitting there, waiting for a miracle. There was no reason to blame Jin when they themselves weren’t strong in the first place. Yamapi stared a Ryo, smiling. He was proud to be his friend. He could be clumsy, he could have a poisonous tongue, but he knew how to put things in an order. And TTUN could really use a leader now.
Maru was the first to break the silence. He moved forward and to everyone’s surprise, he hugged Ryo tightly.
“Thanks.” He whispered in relief. “And sorry. It must be hard on you too, seeing us like that…”
“I just don’t want to see you separated.” Ryo mumbled, suddenly becoming shy. He gently slipped out of the older one’s embrace, scratching his head. “Even if Jin doesn’t come back, you can still be KAT-TUN. You’ve got fans who will support you until the end. Don’t give up on them, because they won’t give up on you. I’m sure of it.”
“Then here’s the deal.” Koki said with a hoarse voice. “Me and Maru will stay. Ueda and Junno, you can go home and rest. Come back in the afternoon, ok?”
“Ok.” Ueda nodded as he and Junno rose to their feet slowly. “Let us know in case we have some kind of update.”
“Sure.”
“Then I guess I’ll be going as well.” Yamapi said hesitatingly. “I’ve got some work to do. Sorry…”
“It’s ok, we won’t eat you.” Maru smiled. “We were grateful enough that you encouraged us.”
Yamapi smiled back at him and patted Ryo’s shoulder as he walked away. Ryo turned back at the remaining two.
“I need to do a few phone calls. I’ll be back soon, ok?”
They nodded in curiosity, letting him go. Koki waited a minute and then slowly made his way into Kame’s room. For some reason, no one had bothered to remove his make-up. They had asked the doctor last night and he had said that there was no need to. It wasn’t disturbing.
“Do you think that maybe he’s a Kame-fanboy?” Maru asked skeptically.
“The doctor? I don’t know.” Koki whispered in response, stroking Kame’s hair. “But he is spectacular like this. The moment he said he wanted to have eyeliner again for our pv must have been one of the best in my life.”
Maru blinked at that weird statement, but remained speechless nevertheless.
“Everything will be ok.” He said, holding Koki’s hand. “We won’t let our band break down.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
The nightmares had become worse. Throughout the whole day, Jin was half-sleeping, half-crying, unable to get rid of the bugging feeling in him. The feeling of being a filthy traitor, a weak freak.
He had turned down the temptation to call and ask about Kame. It was an option he couldn’t afford, both financially and psychologically. On the other hand, just sitting around wasn’t his style. Trapped between his thoughts, feelings and remorse, he had completely given up. He downed one mug of coffee after another. He had the whole day free and this was making the whole situation even more difficult to control.
What he didn’t expect was another phone call. He couldn’t believe it was from Japan again, but when he checked the caller’s ID, he got assured.
“Who the hell is paying for all those calls?” he chocked out instead of “hi”.
“Johnny-san said he’ll pay for everything if I manage to drag you back here.” Came the reply from Ryo’s lips.
“Really?” Jin said mockingly. “How so?”
“It’s the perfect marketing strategy.” Ryo explained impatiently. “You are coming back the minute you hear about Kamenashi’s accident. Isn’t it touching?”
“Damn, he really only cares about money…” Jin hissed.
“You were crying, right?”
“No.”
“Yeah, sure. I don’t want to imagine how red your eyes are right now.”
“Shut up, Ryo.”
“Come back, you idiot.” Ryo said firmly. “You’re dying to see him, am I wrong?”
“How do you know that?”
“Yamapi is my best friend as well.”
“Right. I always forget that.”
“Come back, Jin.” Ryo repeated with a tone of plead in his voice. ”Do you hate KAT-TUN that much? They’re wrecks!”
“I don’t hate them!” Jin snapped.
“You have a funny way of showing it, then.”
“Why can’t you understand me? Why does nobody understand me?” Jin exploded. “I’m confused and scared to death! If I can’t make up my mind for my future, how can I face Kame and let him know of the feelings I still haven’t sorted out?”
“Maybe the answer is here.”
“What?” Jin stuttered.
“Maybe the answer you’re looking for is here.” Ryo said again. “Have you ever thought about it? Japan is your country, Jin. Isn’t it natural for the answer to be here? You’re alone there, with friends that can’t help you. You need us.”
“I…”
“You’ve missed all of us. I know you for so long, Jin Akanishi. You feel safe with us. Even if the worst of the worst happens with you and Kamenashi, you’ll always have us, your friends to support you. Life isn’t only about becoming a top star, you know.”
“You…you’ll be there?”
“For you? Yes. 100%. Why would we abandon you? Have we done this before? You had our full support when you went there, you’ll have it again. We’re not friends only in good times, you fool. Unless you’re so madly in love with Kamenashi that you have forgotten that.”
“I’m not in love.” Jin tried to defend himself, which resulted in Ryo laughing.
“Are you sure?”
“I do like him, though.”
“Do you need any other reason to come back? Go catch the first flight you’ll see available!”
“Ryo-chan…you’re the devil.”
“I’m aware of it. See you soon.”
Jin fell back on the pillow, suddenly feeling exhausted. Staring at the ceiling, he let the first tears of happiness to run down. It was amazing that a simple conversation could turn his crazy world upside down. When had his friends become so reliable? Or had he been so blind all this time? They were made of gold.
Ryo had a point though. Even if Kame wasn’t involved at all, he still owed TTUN an apology for making such a fuss. So he could only make a deal with himself. He would rest for a couple of hours and then he’d try to fly back to Japan as soon as possible.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Night came faster than they expected. Kame’s condition was stable and Koki and Maru had already been replaced by Ueda and Junno. Even Yamapi had returned.
The strange thing was that Ryo was still there. He had left for a couple of hours to take a shower and change clothes, but then he was back again. None of the 3 asked him why he hadn’t left, but when Ueda saw him sitting in a corner and smiling to himself, he couldn’t control himself and approached him. He was alone, after all. Junno and Yamapi were in Kame’s room.
“What’s so funny?” he asked carefully, sliding down to sit beside him. Ryo looked at him.
“Nothing. I’m just happy you guys are better.”
“Well…thanks to you. We owe you one.”
“You’re an idiot, hime.”
“Geez, you’re still calling me that?”
“What should I call you then?”
“Last time I checked, I had both a name and a surname. Choose.”
“Whatever slips my mouth first, then.” Ryo suggested.
“Fine.”
They didn’t speak again for the next five minutes. It looked though as Ryo wanted to make a conversation.
“I didn’t expect you’d leave first when Koki said so. I thought you’d want to stay.”
“It’s not easy to disagree with Koki when Kame is involved.” Ueda replied and grinned when he saw the curious look on Ryo’s face. “I care about Kame as a bandmate and a friend. But for Koki…Kame is something between a younger brother and a desired lover. I still can’t say for sure that he’s secretly in love with him, but he’s really suspicious. That’s why I can’t object.”
“Heeeh, so that was it…” Ryo murmured, leaning his head back. “It’s not difficult to imagine Koki being in love with Kamenashi, though…”
“Yes, I know…”
“Ne, Tatsuya-“
“So that was the first thing that slipped out of your mouth? Are you flirting with me?”
“Hmm…maybe.” Ryo teased with a mischievous look. “But that was not what I wanted to say. I talked to Jin.”
“Really?”
“Yup. And he’s coming back.”
“Are you serious?” Ueda’s eyes widened. Ryo nodded.
“I convinced him. I talked to him about KAT-TUN as a whole. It seems he does care about you, after all.”
“Well, I didn’t have doubts about it…” Ueda admitted as he watched him standing up. “Where are you going?”
“I’ve said what I wanted to say. I’ll go rest now, if you don’t have any problems.”
“No…you’re right. You need some sleep too. Good night.”
“Good night…Uebo.” Ryo smirked as he waved him goodbye.
“You smartass…” Ueda smiled as he stood up as well. He stared at the direction Ryo had left for a while, then turned his back and proceeded to go back to Kame’s room.
........................................................................................................................
A/N: I apologize for the lack of Akame in this chapter,but it was needed to have the plot unfold smoothly. I thought it would turn too rushed if I cut TTUN right now...
If you liked it though,drop a comment ne? *hugs readers*
Beta: None
Pairing: Akame, KAT-TUN friendship
Rating: NC17
Disclaimer: None of them belongs to me...T___T
Genre: Angst,Romance,Friendship
Summary: Jin is back to Japan for a few days. Even though he is hesitating,he still pays TTUN a visit. But when he accidentally meets Kame, instead of having a clear talk about KAT-TUN's future, they end falling in greater despair than before. And it's obvious things will just keep going from bad to worse (summary fail,I totally apologize *bows*)
A/N: This is actually dedicated to haloyn , because she was the one who convinced me to post this crazy idea and because we both wanted more eye-liner!Kame fics *hugs*
Chapter 05
It was definitely not the best night for TTUN. Even though they were told to stay put and continue singing, they had all rushed to Kame’s side to make sure he was ok. He had hit his head from the bad fall and still hadn’t regain consciousness. He was transferred to the nearest hospital immediately, accompanied by the rest of the members. They hadn’t even bothered to apologize to the audience or make a public statement in front of the media.
They couldn’t do anything but wait as the doctors took Kame. Sitting on the chairs, Koki and Junno were shaking. Maru had leaned on the wall, sighing every 5 minutes while Ueda couldn’t stand still and was walking up and down.
“Why can’t he see his own limits, dammit…” he mumbled, crossing his arms to his chest. “He had a fucking fever…”
“We shouldn’t have let him.” Maru added. “We should have been stricter…”
“But…but it may be nothing serious!” Junno tried to enlighten the mood, always trying to look at the bright side. “At least now he can stay here and rest!”
“You’re right, but still…” Koki whispered, but was cut off by the doctor’s sudden presence. His face had a hard to explain expression. It was neither sad, nor happy.
“Is he ok?” Maru asked immediately. The doctor exhaled deeply.
“He collapsed due to overwork and probably something psychological that was tormenting him.”
“Tell me about it.” Koki hissed.
“The hit on his head…it’s not life threatening. He will wake up in a few days, but the consequences are still unknown.”
“What…what do you mean?” it was Junno’s time to speak with an appalled voice.
“We can’t say for sure what the fall might have caused…he was hit on a sensitive spot, so we can’t be sure…there is a probability of him having amnesia, or some king of paralyzation.”
No one felt the need to say something after hearing that. What could they say after all? What could they say to make the whole situation easier?
Maru’s phone disturbed the silence and he hurried to pick it up. He apologized a few times, nodded and hung up, looking at the others worryingly.
“It’s our manager.” He blurted out. “Reporters have flooded the hospital’s entrance.”
They looked at each other speechless. It was expected. They had created a ruckus when they left with no words, so they shouldn’t be complaining.
“We’ll go to them.” Junno said, grabbing Maru’s hand. “You two stay here and take care of Kame. And if anything happens, just let us know.”
The three goggled their eyes for a second, but then nodded in agreement. It was rare to see Junno acting so calmly. KAT-TUN could indeed be united at tough time, after all.
“Ok. Go. Kame-chan will be ok, I promise.” Ueda gave them a faint smile. He and Koki turned to the doctor.
“This way.” He said as he slowly led them to Kame’s room. They were allowed to go in for just ten minutes, yet it was too much for both of them. It was nerve-wrecking to watch Kame in that state. The eyeliner on his eyes that no one had found the time to take off was a total contradiction to the white hospital clothes and it made him look even paler that he already was. The knock on his head had bled a bit before, yet it was enough to make Kame look as pallid as ever.
“Look at him…” Koki whispered, gulping down a sob. “Even when he’s like this, he looks so beautiful…he does his best to be perfect, even unconsciously…”
Ueda only nodded, unable to hold his own tears. There wasn’t anything he could disagree on. The youngest member had always been the one to shoulder most of their responsibilities. His fall was only a matter of time.
“It’s his fault.” Koki groaned between his tears. “He drove Kame-chan to this. He was the one that made him overwork himself. I’ll fucking kill him.”
“Huh? Koki, what-“
He didn’t manage to complete his sentence as the rapper dashed out of the room with the mobile in his hand. Ueda stood still for a second, confused.
And then he realized.
“Shit.” He mumbled and followed Koki. “Don’t do this, it’s a bad idea!”
“I don’t give a damn! He’s the one to blame for Kame’s situation. He should pay!”
“Do you have any idea of how much you will have to pay if you call him? He’s in America, you know!” Ueda tried to reason him.
“Like I care! Money is nothing, Kame’s in great trouble!” Koki hissed, wiping his tears on his sleeve.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
He had almost decided to feed himself a sleeping pill since the lack of sleep was becoming inconvenient. Jin had never used them, but he was seriously considering on taking one. The sun had almost risen and he was still turning right and left on his bed, trying to sleep. He had managed to sleep for almost three hours, but he had woken up and hadn’t been able to fall asleep again.
He accused the hot temperature for his mess, but deep inside, he was secretly blaming both himself and Kame. He had tried to make their conversation enjoyable, yet he was sure (from the abrupt way Kame had ended the phone call) that he had probably hurt the other one even more. He knew that he had cried, or at least, he had tears in his eyes during their talk. Kame had sounded so tired, so desperate, so heart-broken…he had been begging for his help all along, but Jin had decided to play his game and act like he hadn’t understood a thing.
And all of this because he couldn’t make a final choice. He couldn’t pick the career he really wanted and it had probably got on Kame’s nerves way more than he had imagined.
God, how much he wanted to see him again…he had missed the feeling of kissing him, his gorgeous eyes looking at him with a cold expression, yet sending him tons of messages at the same time…
He still hadn’t figured out if he was in love with Kame. He knew that he liked him. He had admitted that to himself by now. And he actually cared about him. It was the conclusion of their last conversation. He cared about Kame. But he still couldn’t tell if he loved him or not.
The sound of his phone startled him and he almost fell down. Having a phone call that early wasn’t something he was used to. He stretched his hand out and grabbed it reluctantly.
“Um…hello?”
“You fucking idiot!”
“Koki?” he almost chocked. “What are you-“
“Get your ass back to Japan now, you hear me? If you don’t, I’ll fly there and skin you alive!”
“What’s wrong? Are you ok, what’s got into you?” Jin asked curiously. What had he done again?
“I’m not ok, you bastard! None of us is ok and you’re the reason! What the hell did you do to Kame to cause him to end up like that?”
“Huh?”
“He’s in the hospital, you moron!” Koki growled from the other line. “He worked himself to death and had an accident during our concert! He’s in the hospital now and it’s all your fault!”
Yamapi had told Jin lots of times that there were moments he’d felt like he’d lost the ground under his feet. Jin could now understand him completely. He had the exact same feeling.
“…what?” he whispered in complete shock. Luckily, there was some kind of argument and the next moment, Ueda was on the phone.
“Jin? It’s me. Sorry for Koki, he just-“
“Is that true? How is Kame?”
“His life is not in danger, yet there are chances of him getting amnesia or some kind of paralyzation. He fell off the stage and hit his head.”
“You…you’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not. Ne…did anything happen between you two the day before the concert? Did you talk?”
“I…called him.” Jin confessed and suddenly, the size of his stupidity shined in front of him. Calling Kame right before a concert surely wasn’t a bright idea. “And…I don’t think it ended up good. I think he cried at some point, but he hung up so quickly…I wasn’t able to confirm it…”
“Well, I don’t think he actually cried, but it wasn’t wise no matter what.” Ueda sighed. “Jin…it’s not a happy game anymore. The situation is out of hand. Kame won’t be able to hold on for too much. Do you have any idea of how hard it is to act like both “K” and “A”? He is still too young to bear such a responsibility…”
“I never asked him to do that. I’m really sorry to hear he collapsed…and I know it’s my fault, so don’t try to make me feel even guiltier than I already do.” Jin murmured, still unable to believe what he had just heard. “I’m sorry for everything, Tatsuya. I know I act like a complete asshole and I know that Kame takes all the weight on his shoulders. I’m sorry…”
“If you really are, then now is the perfect time to show it.” Ueda replied firmly, walking away from Koki to avoid having the device stolen. “Prove it, Jin. We know it’s a hard choice for you. If you think that we truly believe you’ll be back, you’re wrong. We’re prepared, in case you decide to go solo. But you need to clear things out with Kame, because he can’t suffer anymore. It’s unfair.”
Yes, he knew that. Deep inside, he always had the fear that he would wake up someday to hear that Kame had collapsed. He wasn’t God, he couldn’t do everything perfectly, no matter how hard he would try.
Kame’s way to heal stress was to focus on his work. Jin had always been scolding him about that, especially when they were still close friends. He was always watching him from aside, tempted to help him at certain times. But their fears, grudges and worries had built a huge wall between them, a wall that they were both scared and unwilling to overcome.
“I don’t know if I can do this.” He whispered as fright conquered him completely. “I…I can’t bring down everything that keeps us apart in just one night, Tatsuya. I don’t even know if he wants me by his side. I don’t get his love. I’m a loser, he doesn’t deserve me and I don’t deserve his encouraging words. He said he wants me to stay here, but I feel that he needs me back. His heart is torn in two and I’m too scared to try and heal it…”
“Then come back and let him know!” Ueda lost his patience as new tears formed in his eyes. “This thing is eating you away! Seriously Jin, we don’t want to lose you! Kame tried to suppress his own fears and ended up here! You, on the other hand are not even trying! Where is the Akanishi Jin we all knew? You had never been so afraid! You always tried to fight the things that hurt you! Why are you running away now? Why are you backing out?”
“Because it’s for the best.” Jin answered with his own eyes teary. “We don’t have a future. Even if we clear things out, we know that we don’t stand a chance. We’re bandmates and Johnny is even more than strict. He’s cruel. We’ll only end up hurting each other in the end.”
There was no answer, which made Jin realize that Ueda agreed with him. He was just trying not to show it.
“Kame wants me to stay here, so that he can hate me, right?” he voiced out softly. “Everything will be easier if he hates me…it’ll be easier for me to leave KAT-TUN, that’s what he believes…am I wrong?”
He could never imagine the impact his own words would have on himself. He was starting to tremble. He would cry, he was sure. It was a dead end for their whatever-it-was relationship. Kame kept everything inside and he was running away. There was no future. Simple as that.
“You’re not wrong.” Ueda chocked out. “See? You do understand Kame, after all…”
And just like Kame had done to him, Jin hung up and smashed his mobile on the nearest wall. He bit his pillow in an attempt to muffle his sobs and not disturb the neighbors.
How the hell had they managed to screw themselves so badly? Where were the two innocent boys that were always fooling around together? Where were the two best friends that had shined from happiness when they found out that they would act in the same drama? Where was young Jin apologizing to young Kame for turning his back on his when he debuted with Yamapi? Where was their hug that overflowed bliss when their debut as KAT-TUN was officially announced? Where had the old Akame that everyone knew and loved been gone?
“I’m so sorry, Kazuya…” he whispered between his unstoppable sobs. “I’m sorry for making you suffer like this…I’m sorry for making you fall in love with me…I’m sorry that I can’t sort out my own feelings…”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
“What did he say?” Koki almost jumped on Ueda.
“He…hung up.”
“WHAT?” the younger one roared, grabbing is phone back. “HE DID WHAT?”
“Calm down, we’re at the hospital…”
“How could he? He’s totally ignoring Kame! How can he do that? How can he be so insensitive?”
“I’m not saying he’s right.” Ueda said quietly, head hung low. “But he’s scared and confused, too. I understand him, I think. He wants to come and check up on Kame, but their current situation holds him back.”
“And he believes that by sitting there, things will change?”
“I don’t know what he believes, Koki. I’m seriously thinking of giving up on them. They can’t see how deep in trouble they are. It’s starting to affect us as well.”
Both of them sat down and didn’t speak after that. When Junno and Maru came back and show their moist faces, they didn’t try asking what’s wrong. Words were unnecessary.
The next day found them at the exact same spots, only now they were accompanied by Yamapi and Ryo. Kame getting in the hospital was big news, so it wasn’t hard for them to find out about it. They had offered to bring them something to drink, like coffee, but TTUN had refused, saying that there was no need to. They weren’t sleepy, after all.
“When will he wake up? Do the doctors know?” Ryo asked them softly a couple of hours later.
“They said that it will probably take 2 to 3 more days.” was Maru’s faint reply. Pi shot them a worrying glare.
“You should rest too, guys. Johnny-san arranged your next concert for the following week, but you still need to rest. Kame won’t wake up now, so there’s no vital need for you to be here…”
“We can keep an eye on him.” Ryo offered. “Or you can at least take turns.”
“We’ll be fine, don’t worry.” Junno tried to smile, but was cut off by the black-haired man.
“You won’t be fine and cut the crap. Do you want your band to fall apart? Do you think Kamenashi would like that? Wouldn’t it make him feel even guiltier? The fact that you’re falling behind because of him?”
“Ryo-“
“You have the chance to keep your group united, nothing is final yet.” Ryo stood up, clearly upset. “He kept being strong for your sake until now. Is it that hard to do the same for him?”
“Why are you so mad?” Koki frowned.
“Because I’m fully aware of how it feels to lose a member.” Ryo replied coldly. “I’ve lost two, in case you’ve forgotten.”
He had silenced them completely. Could they object to that? They couldn’t. He wasn’t wrong. They were just sitting there, waiting for a miracle. There was no reason to blame Jin when they themselves weren’t strong in the first place. Yamapi stared a Ryo, smiling. He was proud to be his friend. He could be clumsy, he could have a poisonous tongue, but he knew how to put things in an order. And TTUN could really use a leader now.
Maru was the first to break the silence. He moved forward and to everyone’s surprise, he hugged Ryo tightly.
“Thanks.” He whispered in relief. “And sorry. It must be hard on you too, seeing us like that…”
“I just don’t want to see you separated.” Ryo mumbled, suddenly becoming shy. He gently slipped out of the older one’s embrace, scratching his head. “Even if Jin doesn’t come back, you can still be KAT-TUN. You’ve got fans who will support you until the end. Don’t give up on them, because they won’t give up on you. I’m sure of it.”
“Then here’s the deal.” Koki said with a hoarse voice. “Me and Maru will stay. Ueda and Junno, you can go home and rest. Come back in the afternoon, ok?”
“Ok.” Ueda nodded as he and Junno rose to their feet slowly. “Let us know in case we have some kind of update.”
“Sure.”
“Then I guess I’ll be going as well.” Yamapi said hesitatingly. “I’ve got some work to do. Sorry…”
“It’s ok, we won’t eat you.” Maru smiled. “We were grateful enough that you encouraged us.”
Yamapi smiled back at him and patted Ryo’s shoulder as he walked away. Ryo turned back at the remaining two.
“I need to do a few phone calls. I’ll be back soon, ok?”
They nodded in curiosity, letting him go. Koki waited a minute and then slowly made his way into Kame’s room. For some reason, no one had bothered to remove his make-up. They had asked the doctor last night and he had said that there was no need to. It wasn’t disturbing.
“Do you think that maybe he’s a Kame-fanboy?” Maru asked skeptically.
“The doctor? I don’t know.” Koki whispered in response, stroking Kame’s hair. “But he is spectacular like this. The moment he said he wanted to have eyeliner again for our pv must have been one of the best in my life.”
Maru blinked at that weird statement, but remained speechless nevertheless.
“Everything will be ok.” He said, holding Koki’s hand. “We won’t let our band break down.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
The nightmares had become worse. Throughout the whole day, Jin was half-sleeping, half-crying, unable to get rid of the bugging feeling in him. The feeling of being a filthy traitor, a weak freak.
He had turned down the temptation to call and ask about Kame. It was an option he couldn’t afford, both financially and psychologically. On the other hand, just sitting around wasn’t his style. Trapped between his thoughts, feelings and remorse, he had completely given up. He downed one mug of coffee after another. He had the whole day free and this was making the whole situation even more difficult to control.
What he didn’t expect was another phone call. He couldn’t believe it was from Japan again, but when he checked the caller’s ID, he got assured.
“Who the hell is paying for all those calls?” he chocked out instead of “hi”.
“Johnny-san said he’ll pay for everything if I manage to drag you back here.” Came the reply from Ryo’s lips.
“Really?” Jin said mockingly. “How so?”
“It’s the perfect marketing strategy.” Ryo explained impatiently. “You are coming back the minute you hear about Kamenashi’s accident. Isn’t it touching?”
“Damn, he really only cares about money…” Jin hissed.
“You were crying, right?”
“No.”
“Yeah, sure. I don’t want to imagine how red your eyes are right now.”
“Shut up, Ryo.”
“Come back, you idiot.” Ryo said firmly. “You’re dying to see him, am I wrong?”
“How do you know that?”
“Yamapi is my best friend as well.”
“Right. I always forget that.”
“Come back, Jin.” Ryo repeated with a tone of plead in his voice. ”Do you hate KAT-TUN that much? They’re wrecks!”
“I don’t hate them!” Jin snapped.
“You have a funny way of showing it, then.”
“Why can’t you understand me? Why does nobody understand me?” Jin exploded. “I’m confused and scared to death! If I can’t make up my mind for my future, how can I face Kame and let him know of the feelings I still haven’t sorted out?”
“Maybe the answer is here.”
“What?” Jin stuttered.
“Maybe the answer you’re looking for is here.” Ryo said again. “Have you ever thought about it? Japan is your country, Jin. Isn’t it natural for the answer to be here? You’re alone there, with friends that can’t help you. You need us.”
“I…”
“You’ve missed all of us. I know you for so long, Jin Akanishi. You feel safe with us. Even if the worst of the worst happens with you and Kamenashi, you’ll always have us, your friends to support you. Life isn’t only about becoming a top star, you know.”
“You…you’ll be there?”
“For you? Yes. 100%. Why would we abandon you? Have we done this before? You had our full support when you went there, you’ll have it again. We’re not friends only in good times, you fool. Unless you’re so madly in love with Kamenashi that you have forgotten that.”
“I’m not in love.” Jin tried to defend himself, which resulted in Ryo laughing.
“Are you sure?”
“I do like him, though.”
“Do you need any other reason to come back? Go catch the first flight you’ll see available!”
“Ryo-chan…you’re the devil.”
“I’m aware of it. See you soon.”
Jin fell back on the pillow, suddenly feeling exhausted. Staring at the ceiling, he let the first tears of happiness to run down. It was amazing that a simple conversation could turn his crazy world upside down. When had his friends become so reliable? Or had he been so blind all this time? They were made of gold.
Ryo had a point though. Even if Kame wasn’t involved at all, he still owed TTUN an apology for making such a fuss. So he could only make a deal with himself. He would rest for a couple of hours and then he’d try to fly back to Japan as soon as possible.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Night came faster than they expected. Kame’s condition was stable and Koki and Maru had already been replaced by Ueda and Junno. Even Yamapi had returned.
The strange thing was that Ryo was still there. He had left for a couple of hours to take a shower and change clothes, but then he was back again. None of the 3 asked him why he hadn’t left, but when Ueda saw him sitting in a corner and smiling to himself, he couldn’t control himself and approached him. He was alone, after all. Junno and Yamapi were in Kame’s room.
“What’s so funny?” he asked carefully, sliding down to sit beside him. Ryo looked at him.
“Nothing. I’m just happy you guys are better.”
“Well…thanks to you. We owe you one.”
“You’re an idiot, hime.”
“Geez, you’re still calling me that?”
“What should I call you then?”
“Last time I checked, I had both a name and a surname. Choose.”
“Whatever slips my mouth first, then.” Ryo suggested.
“Fine.”
They didn’t speak again for the next five minutes. It looked though as Ryo wanted to make a conversation.
“I didn’t expect you’d leave first when Koki said so. I thought you’d want to stay.”
“It’s not easy to disagree with Koki when Kame is involved.” Ueda replied and grinned when he saw the curious look on Ryo’s face. “I care about Kame as a bandmate and a friend. But for Koki…Kame is something between a younger brother and a desired lover. I still can’t say for sure that he’s secretly in love with him, but he’s really suspicious. That’s why I can’t object.”
“Heeeh, so that was it…” Ryo murmured, leaning his head back. “It’s not difficult to imagine Koki being in love with Kamenashi, though…”
“Yes, I know…”
“Ne, Tatsuya-“
“So that was the first thing that slipped out of your mouth? Are you flirting with me?”
“Hmm…maybe.” Ryo teased with a mischievous look. “But that was not what I wanted to say. I talked to Jin.”
“Really?”
“Yup. And he’s coming back.”
“Are you serious?” Ueda’s eyes widened. Ryo nodded.
“I convinced him. I talked to him about KAT-TUN as a whole. It seems he does care about you, after all.”
“Well, I didn’t have doubts about it…” Ueda admitted as he watched him standing up. “Where are you going?”
“I’ve said what I wanted to say. I’ll go rest now, if you don’t have any problems.”
“No…you’re right. You need some sleep too. Good night.”
“Good night…Uebo.” Ryo smirked as he waved him goodbye.
“You smartass…” Ueda smiled as he stood up as well. He stared at the direction Ryo had left for a while, then turned his back and proceeded to go back to Kame’s room.
........................................................................................................................
A/N: I apologize for the lack of Akame in this chapter,but it was needed to have the plot unfold smoothly. I thought it would turn too rushed if I cut TTUN right now...
If you liked it though,drop a comment ne? *hugs readers*