Title: Painful Mistakes
Beta: None
Pairing: Akame, KAT-TUN friendship
Rating: NC17
Disclaimer: None of them belongs to me...T___T
Genre: Angst,Romance,Friendship
Summary: Jin is back to Japan for a few days. Even though he is hesitating,he still pays TTUN a visit. But when he accidentally meets Kame, instead of having a clear talk about KAT-TUN's future, they end falling in greater despair than before. And it's obvious things will just keep going from bad to worse (summary fail,I totally apologize *bows*)
A/N: This is actually dedicated to
haloyn , because she was the one who convinced me to post this crazy idea and because we both wanted more eye-liner!Kame fics *hugs*
Chapter 04
It was a foggy morning when KAT-TUN were told to stop their rehearsals for a while. One of their juniors had butted in the room, saying that their manager wanted to see Kame. They all looked at each other curiously. Even Kame himself didn’t know what was going on.
“Ah, Kamenashi-kun.” He greeted him when the one in question entered, bowing. “Come here for a while.”
Kame only managed to take two steps forward, for a dozen of photos were thrown on his face the next moment. He gasped as they fell on the floor and when he kneeled to look at them, he froze.
He had been right after all.
Photos of him smoking. Of him throwing the cigarettes on the streets. He didn’t bother to defend himself or deny the fact.
“Maybe smoking is a small matter for you, but do you have any idea of how many fans we might lose like this? You have to be perfect in every aspect of your life, dammit!”
“I’m sorry.” Kame bowed again. “I just…I had a bad day-“
“Then just smoke at your place! Why did it have to be on the streets? I thought you were more responsible than this! How can you expect to fill Akanishi’s gap? By pretending you’re him? Honestly, Kamenashi, I’m more than disappointed. I’m disgusted.”
Kame only bowed again, holding his breath. He clenched the photos in his hands, fighting to keep his composure.
“This is a critical period.” His manager continued. “We can’t afford to stain your image, you hear me? This is one of the worst things you could have done. You may call this relaxation, but I call it self-destruction.”
“I’m really sorry.” Kame apologized again. “You’re right, I…I didn’t think about it. I’m terribly sorry. Has this leaked out?”
“No. We had some negotiations with the other party and they won’t be published. But next time, no one will be lenient, you hear me?”
“There won’t be a next time.” Kame whispered. “I promise. I’m terribly sorry for this incident, I won’t let it happen again.”
He saw his manager’s gaze soften. “Good. Then you’re free to go.”
“Thank you.” Kame replied, bowing again. “Once again, I’m sorry.”
Ok, so this wasn’t the best way to start his day. He had a headache ever since the rehearsal had started and now this was added up. He leaned against the wall as he closed the door behind him and bit his lip. Hard.
His bandmates’ support wasn’t enough after all. He was slowly crumbling. How many sins he had anyway? Acting like everything was ok, becoming distant with TTUN, sleeping with Jin, smoking…really, there was no end. He was lost in his own labyrinth. He bit his lip even harder, fighting to keep the pain stable. He needed pain, it was the only way to be reminded that he still couldn’t fall down. Being the front man was his job. Almost everything was up to him. Sure, TTUN had also lots of things to do, but he was the stubborn egoist who wanted to do even more.
He almost didn’t realize how he made it back to the room. It took Koki’s voice to wake him up.
“Kame-chan? Are you ok?”
“Yeah…yes, I’m fine.”
“Your lip is bleeding.” Ueda noticed. Kame smiled.
“It’s nothing serious. I just bit it by accident.”
“Are you sure you’re ok? What did the manager say?” Maru asked concerned. Kame shook his head.
“Nothing special. Don’t worry, everything’s fine.”
That was the proof. Of his being selfish. He kept lying. He didn’t give a damn about their worried faces. His fake smiles must have been too obvious…
They didn’t try to ask him anything else after that. They could see he wasn’t in a position to speak. He could hardly wait for the rehearsal to finish. Still, he said goodbye to them normally, with a smile. He turned down their offers for dinner and promised that he’d give his best at the concert waiting two days from now.
“We need to find out what he was told.” Junno stated the moment Kame was gone. Maru nodded.
“If the manager said something bad to him, Kame won’t be ok. He’ll keep it bottled inside again and will just try to get over it by working even harder.”
“Yeah, but…how? If the manager wanted us to know as well, he would have called us as well.” Koki said skeptically.
“I’ll think of something.” Ueda assured them. “Now let’s go. We have a flight tomorrow, we have to be ready.”
The rest nodded, picking up their belongings.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Kame couldn’t say that a cold bath was what he needed, but he took one nevertheless. He was moving like a robot, completely automatically. He rested on his couch, with his hair still wet, wearing a pair of baggy jeans he’d accidentally found under his bed and a loose shirt. He wasn’t in the mood for tight clothes, he was sure they would make him feel suffocated.
His eyelids were heavy, yet he refused to sleep. He knew the amount of time he had before getting ready for the flight was limited. He knew it, but it still felt wrong to sleep.
He was mad at himself for ending up like that. A few months ago, he would be jumping from happiness if he had some extra sleeping hours. A few months ago, he could go to bed with no worries.
A few months ago, Jin was still with them.
He kicked his mobile away, fuming. How much more could he humiliate himself? Why the hell couldn’t he move on? He and Jin had shared some moments of sex. Nothing more. It was stupid to stick on the hope that maybe, just maybe, it was something more. Stupid. And it hurt him.
Then he heard his mobile ringing.
“I’m not in the mood, dammit…” he growled to himself as he crawled and picked it up from the floor. “Hello?”
He must have been too harsh though, cause no one answered. He must have scared them.
“Moshi moshi.” He said again. “Who is it?”
“I…didn’t wake you up, right?”
A shocked gasp was the answer and Kame had to sit on the floor to fully digest and confirm the voice.
“Jin?”
“Wow. You must have been very shocked. I was prepared to hear you calling me Akanishi.”
His voice wasn’t mocking. It was hesitant and scared.
“What are you…what time is it there?”
“Early in the morning. Is the timing bad?”
“No…” Kame admitted. “I wasn’t sleeping anyway.”
“I was sure of that. You’ll probably go to sleep a few hours later…”
“Why did you call?” Kame asked all of a sudden. “Don’t tell me that Yamapi convinced you.”
“He told you he emailed me? Geez, he’s unbelievable…”
“He didn’t.” Kame defended him. “I just happened to come across his mail. Did you call out of pity?”
“What the hell? Of course not!”
“Then why?”
“Because…” Jin’s voice faded out and Kame sighed.
“Why, Jin? Come on, you’re not facing me now, you can say anything you want.”
“What is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to imply that I’m scared talking to you face to face?”
“You never did anything to prove me wrong.” Kame insisted.
“Seriously Kame, can you cut it out?”
“Um…no?”
“Why, you idiot?” Jin growled frustrated. “Stop making walls, let me in! I called so we could talk!”
“I let you in, in case you forgot.” Kame said calmly. “And I was wrong.”
“You weren’t wrong.” Jin said stubbornly. “The timing just wasn’t right.”
“And when is it right, Jin?” Kame let out with a tired expression. Fine. He would call him Jin, it didn’t matter.
“Seriously, Kazuya-“
“Stop.”
“No. You’ll listen, Kazuya.”
“I said stop.”
“I’m not. I’ll call you Kazuya since you called me Jin.”
“I said stop, ok?” Kazuya yelled, losing his patience. “Why can’t you stop when I tell you so?”
“Shut up, dammit!” Jin exploded. “Shut the fuck up and listen to me, Kazuya!”
Kame bit his lip again. He didn’t like this conversation at all. He had a hunch that it wouldn’t end nicely.
“Go ahead then.” He surrendered. “I’m listening.”
“Good. Now, where was I?”
“You…you’re an idiot.”
“That sounded like something your old self would say.” Jin chirped happily. Kame smiled weakly.
“I have no old self. It’s you who changed.”
“Ok.”
The fact that Jin didn’t try to fight back intrigued Kame. Maybe the older one had something serious to say for once.
“Kazuya…why?”
“Huh?”
“Why didn’t you answer me? Back then, when I asked you if you love me?”
“Don’t tell me you couldn’t figure out the answer.”
“I could. But I want to hear you saying it.”
“You’re a sadist after all.” Kame sighed. “Then why don’t you let me hear about your future plans?”
“Because nothing is confirmed yet, that’s why. While your love for me is confirmed.”
“You’re selfish.” Kame accused him.
“I know. And I’m sorry. Sorry for leaving you all behind like that.”
“So what?” Kame laughed bitterly. “Your sorry means nothing.”
“Kame-“
“I smoked, Jin. After almost 4 years, I smoked again. And I’m not talking about that cigarette at the hotel. I smoked outside. Our manager scolded me, Jin. He says I need to be perfect no matter what. I’m tired of being perfect, Jin.”
The man in question didn’t reply, which made Kame even angrier. He clenched his phone even tighter.
“You want to hear it? I love you. I fuckin love you. I need you here right now, but at the same time I want you to stay there and prove how successful the members of KAT-TUN can be. You’re happy there and that’s enough for me. I don’t wanna trap you here with my one-sided love. Are you satisfied now?”
His fingers were shaking again. He licked his lips nervously, waiting for a response from the other line. He didn’t want to lose his composure. He didn’t want to break down, not now…he had to look and sound as if he didn’t care, he had to…
“No.” came the reply in the end. “I’m not satisfied. I feel like shit now. I don’t want you to be hurt because of me. I don’t want you to love me if that means that you’re getting tortured. You deserve someone better than me. And there is no need to be perfect. Imperfection is always welcomed, you know.”
“Not while you’re away.” Kame corrected him. “That’s what you don’t get. We have to pick up the pieces. We have to look strong until you come back. If you ever come back…”
“Kazuya, please-“
“You’re not coming back, right?” Kame cut him again. “You’re just hiding it because you’re scared of our reactions.”
“I’m not scared of anything. And no, I still haven’t decided, so shut up. And don’t listen to our manager. You’re free to do whatever you want. Though I admit, smoking is bad.”
Kame chuckled, but it sounded like a sob to Jin’s ears. And he wasn’t completely wrong. There were unwanted tears in his eyes.
“How can you give such an advice? You’re really an idiot, Jin.”
“If that makes you feel better, then yes I am. Can you smile for me?”
“You can’t see me so there’s no point.”
“Just smile, you fool. You’ll feel much better.”
A smile full of sadness appeared on Kame’s face. How could he be so sweet now? Why was he like this?
“I actually feel worse.” He informed him. “Don’t act like your old self, please…it’s way more painful than you can imagine…”
“You…hey! You’re not crying, are you?”
“I’m not.” Kame nodded with a hoarse voice. It wasn’t a lie; not a single tear had fallen. “But I wish I was crying. Then maybe they would see I’m only human.”
“I saw it.” Jin’s gentle voice reached his ears. “I know you’re human, Kazuya. We all do. Please don’t let yourself get distracted by the people who want to harm you.”
“Please hang up, Jin…” the younger one whispered. “You’ll make me beg you to come back….please, let’s end it here…”
“No…” Jin objected. “No, Kame, if I go now, we’ll leave tons of things unsaid…I don’t want to hear you sad, I care about you…”
“I’ve got an early flight tomorrow.” Kame announced quickly with a broken voice. “I need to go to bed…”
“Right…your concert day is approaching, right?”
“Yes…”
“Then…then I guess I should leave you…but…are you ok?”
“I’ll be fine.” It was just a ragged breath, yet Jin heard it immediately.
“Really?”
“Yes, don’t worry.” Kame assured him, making a huge attempt to smile. “You must be tired too…”
“Not really. Anyway…take care, ok?”
“Sure.”
“And good luck with the concert. I wish I was there to see you.”
“See us? If you were here, you’d take part!”
“Ok, I got distracted for a moment. Sorry.”
“It’s ok, Jin.” Kame uttered, almost letting a sob escape. “As long as we’re happy with what we’re doing…it’s ok. Bye.”
He didn’t actually wait for Jin’s reply. He hung up and let the phone slip from his hands as the tears finally streamed down his cheeks. He wasn’t exactly crying and there was no sound escaping his lips, but the tears were unstoppable.
Yes, he was tired. More than tired. Way more. He was exhausted, a living corpse. He couldn’t even recognize himself in the mirror. He had ruined his life, he’d let his weaknesses being shown, he had disappointed the people above him and he had pushed away the people who supported him. No matter how positive he had tried to be, there was no way out. It was killing him that he couldn’t control his feelings. He was helplessly trying to hide his desperation from Jin, but he had failed at that as well. Jin could read him like an open book after all.
With every ounce of energy that was left inside him, he slipped into the bathroom and washed his face, biting his lip again to prevent himself from crying again. At least now he could tell himself that he was a human being, with emotions. The tears of his weakness had somehow given him strength. He looked in the mirror. His eyes were red, but dry.
And suddenly, with no reason at all, he opened a small drawer next to the mirror and drew out his eyeliner. “Nothing is gonna change with me crying.” He mumbled as he applied it to his eyes. There was no reason to do that, he knew it, but it felt so right at that moment. Maybe he was getting crazy. He didn’t care. “Get a grip of yourself Kazuya…you can do this.”
He didn’t manage to explain when Jin had found the money to call him. He never asked.
That night, he had one of the most peaceful naps he’d ever taken.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………….....
“Photos of him smoking?” Koki blurted out. Ueda nodded.
“I stopped by our manager’s office that day. They were thrown on the floor. Here, I stole one.”
And he showed it to the other three. They goggled their eyes, then looked back at Ueda. He shrugged.
“I don’t think it’s bad, actually. Just unexpected. But Kame was scolded for sure.”
Junno and Maru turned to look at the sleeping figure on the dressing room’s couch. Kame had been sleeping all day, from the moment they got out of the plane and reached the place where the concert would be held. TTUN had decided to keep him away from their last rehearsal. There was no need for him to take part after all. He knew the steps perfectly.
“And he didn’t say a thing again…” Maru sighed.
“Seriously, I don’t see why Kame should suffer that much.” Junno complained sadly. “It’s unfair…”
“It’s normal…since the Akame strategy is still around, now that Jin is gone, everyone turns to Kame.”
“But it’s not just a strategy, right?” Koki asked carefully. “There is indeed something going on between them…”
“Most probably yes, but we have no right to get involved.” Maru replied. “Let’s wake him up, ne? It’s almost time.”
As expected, Kame woke up the minute they stroked his hair and almost jumped up, only to fall back.
“I feel sick.” He murmured, closing his eyes.
“What? Hey, don’t worry us like this!” Koki said, putting his palm to his forehead. “Wait…I think you do have a fever!”
“Why didn’t you say so earlier?” Ueda frowned. “We could have postponed the concert!”
“Are you crazy?” Kame rolled his eyes. “There’s no way I would let you do that! I’ll be fine, let’s go!”
“No, I think you should stay here and rest.” Maru nudged him.
“Oh yeah? And what are you gonna say to the audience? “Hi! Well, tonight it’s neither KAT-TUN, not KT-TUN, but T-TUN! Enjoy!” No way in hell.”
“You need to rest, Kame!” Junno joined in, but Kame shook his head.
“So I can get killed by Johnny-san later? No, thanks. Let’s go. Honestly, I’m fine.”
They gave up in the end. They’d never seen Kame more stubborn. They could only hope that once the concert ended, he would go straight to bed.
And he did pretty well at first. He was really energetic, singing his heart out and teasing the audience, as always. He almost jumped up and down at some point. It only brought more smiles to his bandmates’ faces. They couldn’t remember when was the last time Kame had been that hyper.
It was all dust in the wind though. As the concert was slowly approaching the end, Kame’s energy started to abandon him. He was walking with Ueda, holding his hand and singing as loudly as he could. It felt so nice, yet something was off. His vision was a bit blurry and his steps became unsteady at some point. He reached his limits when he could barely let his voice be heard. He knew it was a bad sign, but he chose to ignore it.
However, he couldn’t continue. Out of instinct, he let Ueda’s hand go the moment they stopped singing and Koki began rapping. As his bandmate walked forward, Kame just stood there, a pain spreading in his head. He saw Ueda turning his head to look why he was still behind. He smiled weakly.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered as he gave in. He didn’t even manage to land next to him. He had already lost consciousness when he fell off the stage.
............................................................................
A/N: Nothing sad to talk about today,fortunately^^ It's BANDAGE's day after all :D I can't wait for my copy to arrive,I have been dying to see this movie ever since it was first announced back in 2008 <3
About the chapter...well, the one who followed Kame was some paparazzi,as you probably realized :) I just hope you won't kill me for hurting him again *hides*
Comments are love^^