to do list and the mechanics of procrastination. (aka, really boring post)
dont actually have anything interesting to say, but im procrastinating taking my transcripts to U of T so i can take classes this summer. I'm annoyed because I think I might have missed the cutoff while waiting for my French transcripts. mixed feelings about the whole thing really. i want to take the classes, I just wish it didnt have to be there. i dont want to have to deal with them. i dont even know how im going to enroll, assuming it goes through. meh. unfortunantely, they are the best source for the knowledge i wish to aquire.
other things i have to do before berlin:
learn InDesign so i can finish layout of a project that should have been done months ago.
do my taxes, which involves sorting through reciepts for medical expenses i can claim, and then figuring out the whole procedure.
finish applications for 2 possible programs starting in the fall.
one of those applications may require me to throw together a portfolio. i guess the indesign could help with that, but bleh.
i have no idea how i expect to do these things in the next week. and yet i wasted most of yesterday watching movies on youtube and now im doing this.
i have this list of things to do, which im not really very motivated about at the moment when i need to be. these tasks require concentration and motivation to accomplish a series of small but important steps that will end in getting me (hopefully) closer to where i want to be 6 months from now. so why do i feel no sense of urgency? I have a very clear deadline, but i have no sense of it.
i really wish i wasnt so deadline-driven. its not a particularly good way of living. im a fundamentally lazy person, which is in direct conflict with the fact that i am also goal-driven and absurdly ambitious.
i have habits of thought an (in)action that i dont really like about myself, but feel so fundamental, i dont know how to go about changing them. stupid things, like the fact that i dread getting up every morning. why cant i wake up happy and ready to go? it takes me half the day sometimes to remember what the hell was so urgent, or why. im not sure why i spend so much time avoiding these things and then feeling bad about it. somehow i feel i would be happier if i weere a workaholic control freak, instead of just a lazy perfectionist.
also. while wasting time yesterday, i took one of those stupid personailty-evaluation quiz things. its supposed to tell you your personality strengths.
The ranking of the strengths reflects your overall ratings of yourself on the 24 strengths in the survey, how much of each strength you possess. Your top five, especially those marked as Signature Strengths, are the ones to pay attention to and find ways to use more often.
Your Top Strength
Appreciation of beauty and excellence
You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.
Your Second Strength
Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.
Your Third Strength
Forgiveness and mercy
You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.
Your Fourth Strength
Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.
Your Fifth Strength
Capacity to love and be loved
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.
nothing really surprising, but here is something i find frustrating about these sorts of quizzes: there are always questions about how other people see you. "my friends generally find me amusing and good-natured", "people often say i am down-to-earth" etc. and i realise that I Have No Idea. i know how i would like to be seen. i know the character i sometimes play around people who dont know me very well. but i dont actually know if it works. i think the perception of me is very different depending on how well people know me, but i just really dont know how they see me. how would they describe me?
its not just that i care too much about what people think (i do), i may be so preoccupied with it precisely because i have no idea. how can i modify or adapt to that if i dont even know? i do believe that for better or worse, sometimes others see aspects of you that you cant see in yourself, and i want to know what those things are. subjectivity is so tricky.
example: once i had someone refer to me as optimistic and i was like, whaat? do people see me that way? and do they still? that was at a different point in my life....
so, how can i find out without sounding like an egomaniac (which whether or not it is true, ranks extremely high on my list of perceptions that i dont want people to have about me)? its not that i only want to hear good things, just how would you describe me to a person you think i would get along with? what about to a person you think i would not get along with?
other things i have to do before berlin:
learn InDesign so i can finish layout of a project that should have been done months ago.
do my taxes, which involves sorting through reciepts for medical expenses i can claim, and then figuring out the whole procedure.
finish applications for 2 possible programs starting in the fall.
one of those applications may require me to throw together a portfolio. i guess the indesign could help with that, but bleh.
i have no idea how i expect to do these things in the next week. and yet i wasted most of yesterday watching movies on youtube and now im doing this.
i have this list of things to do, which im not really very motivated about at the moment when i need to be. these tasks require concentration and motivation to accomplish a series of small but important steps that will end in getting me (hopefully) closer to where i want to be 6 months from now. so why do i feel no sense of urgency? I have a very clear deadline, but i have no sense of it.
i really wish i wasnt so deadline-driven. its not a particularly good way of living. im a fundamentally lazy person, which is in direct conflict with the fact that i am also goal-driven and absurdly ambitious.
i have habits of thought an (in)action that i dont really like about myself, but feel so fundamental, i dont know how to go about changing them. stupid things, like the fact that i dread getting up every morning. why cant i wake up happy and ready to go? it takes me half the day sometimes to remember what the hell was so urgent, or why. im not sure why i spend so much time avoiding these things and then feeling bad about it. somehow i feel i would be happier if i weere a workaholic control freak, instead of just a lazy perfectionist.
also. while wasting time yesterday, i took one of those stupid personailty-evaluation quiz things. its supposed to tell you your personality strengths.
The ranking of the strengths reflects your overall ratings of yourself on the 24 strengths in the survey, how much of each strength you possess. Your top five, especially those marked as Signature Strengths, are the ones to pay attention to and find ways to use more often.
Your Top Strength
Appreciation of beauty and excellence
You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.
Your Second Strength
Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.
Your Third Strength
Forgiveness and mercy
You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.
Your Fourth Strength
Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.
Your Fifth Strength
Capacity to love and be loved
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.
nothing really surprising, but here is something i find frustrating about these sorts of quizzes: there are always questions about how other people see you. "my friends generally find me amusing and good-natured", "people often say i am down-to-earth" etc. and i realise that I Have No Idea. i know how i would like to be seen. i know the character i sometimes play around people who dont know me very well. but i dont actually know if it works. i think the perception of me is very different depending on how well people know me, but i just really dont know how they see me. how would they describe me?
its not just that i care too much about what people think (i do), i may be so preoccupied with it precisely because i have no idea. how can i modify or adapt to that if i dont even know? i do believe that for better or worse, sometimes others see aspects of you that you cant see in yourself, and i want to know what those things are. subjectivity is so tricky.
example: once i had someone refer to me as optimistic and i was like, whaat? do people see me that way? and do they still? that was at a different point in my life....
so, how can i find out without sounding like an egomaniac (which whether or not it is true, ranks extremely high on my list of perceptions that i dont want people to have about me)? its not that i only want to hear good things, just how would you describe me to a person you think i would get along with? what about to a person you think i would not get along with?