ego blahblahblah
an addendum regarding people's perceptions of me:
lately i have been very aware of the fact that most people i know in toronto dont actually know the parts of me that i consider to be most defining.
such as, they will remember where i grew up (important, but also not), but not know that i lived in france. that the french language and language-learning in general is one thing im actually really good at. secondly, some know that i teach, but most people have no idea what kind of artwork i do or what i am interested in.
people know things about me that i dont consider fundamental, and dont know the things that are real. i have no one to blame but myself. i feel like an ass when i talk about france, i think people will see me as privileged and that whole experience based on annoying middle-class globe-trotters, which is not my perception of that experience. i always hear that kids in the hall sketch "you know, in [France], everybody only has one spoon..."
i dont talk about art because a) i usually cant have the kind of conversation that would be interesting to me, so i dont even try anymore and b) i am so fucking insecure about it, i cant find the words to explain what im interested in. in other words, either i feel like a snob in front of people who arent into art, or an idiot in front of people who are. either way, i dont think people will be interested or understand, so i just don't talk about it. not a very good way of advancing an artistic career.
i hold my tongue because i am afraid of incorrect perceptions. i am afraid of being defined by those things in the wrong way. maybe because they are so close to my heart and my relationship to them is so complex i am wary of a simplistic understanding of it. also, when i do get into those conversations, 90% of them are actually pretty boring to me. im not actually very amused by talking about myself and explaining that stuff. its usually the same conversation, repeated to a different audience. the same 5 questions and answers, and thats the limit. so, i get to a point where i stop taking the risk of another boring conversation in the hopes that it will go further. i have no idea why i still have conversations about missouri, cause i feel the same about it, except that the conversation is nearly guaranteed not to get more interesting.
in case anyone was wondering, other than the everyday 'i slept here' posts, the things i talk about here are pretty much exactly the things i dont talk about much in real life. i guess thats true of most livejournalers. thats why lj-friendship is so misleading, and why i have such a strong mistrust of meeting virtual friends in real life.
lately i have been very aware of the fact that most people i know in toronto dont actually know the parts of me that i consider to be most defining.
such as, they will remember where i grew up (important, but also not), but not know that i lived in france. that the french language and language-learning in general is one thing im actually really good at. secondly, some know that i teach, but most people have no idea what kind of artwork i do or what i am interested in.
people know things about me that i dont consider fundamental, and dont know the things that are real. i have no one to blame but myself. i feel like an ass when i talk about france, i think people will see me as privileged and that whole experience based on annoying middle-class globe-trotters, which is not my perception of that experience. i always hear that kids in the hall sketch "you know, in [France], everybody only has one spoon..."
i dont talk about art because a) i usually cant have the kind of conversation that would be interesting to me, so i dont even try anymore and b) i am so fucking insecure about it, i cant find the words to explain what im interested in. in other words, either i feel like a snob in front of people who arent into art, or an idiot in front of people who are. either way, i dont think people will be interested or understand, so i just don't talk about it. not a very good way of advancing an artistic career.
i hold my tongue because i am afraid of incorrect perceptions. i am afraid of being defined by those things in the wrong way. maybe because they are so close to my heart and my relationship to them is so complex i am wary of a simplistic understanding of it. also, when i do get into those conversations, 90% of them are actually pretty boring to me. im not actually very amused by talking about myself and explaining that stuff. its usually the same conversation, repeated to a different audience. the same 5 questions and answers, and thats the limit. so, i get to a point where i stop taking the risk of another boring conversation in the hopes that it will go further. i have no idea why i still have conversations about missouri, cause i feel the same about it, except that the conversation is nearly guaranteed not to get more interesting.
in case anyone was wondering, other than the everyday 'i slept here' posts, the things i talk about here are pretty much exactly the things i dont talk about much in real life. i guess thats true of most livejournalers. thats why lj-friendship is so misleading, and why i have such a strong mistrust of meeting virtual friends in real life.