CM Fic: Hallelujah Chapter 7 : Emily/JJ
Title: Hallelujah
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Paring: Emily/JJ
Rating: PG for now
Summary: Emily/JJ - an encounter in the snow, and beyond.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything
Dedication: Written for
kassandra_luem who introduced me to Emily and JJ:) I shall never forget you, or forget writing Emily/JJ fic on planes:) With my extreme gratitude to lynders11 for reminding me about this fic and her constant encouragement. Also my dear frenhufor her inspiration and support, and never giving up on me. And for Erin my awesome beta reader who blew me away with her comments on these chapters.
Previous Chapters...
Chapters 1-3 http://carlyisnot.livejournal.com/30682.html
Chapters 4- 6 http://carlyisnot.livejournal.com/30742.html
Chapter 7
Emily
Before you even open your eyes, you know you're in a hospital, those familiar sounds and smells overwhelm you.
You're aching all over, but it's something you've become used to these past weeks as the illness had taken over, invading your body, piece by piece. It should come as no surprise, no disappointment to you. You had accepted your fate, even welcomed it.
It's just. . . there had been that one night with JJ. That brief respite from the harsh reality. That night had been magical. As if you had never been sick. As if she had never married Will. As if everything was perfect...
But it had only been a moment in time. And as quickly as the moment crept up on you, it vanished. Just another perfect memory to haunt you.
And now, life goes on. Here you are. Back in this hospital. Sick. Alone...No, this time not alone.
It feels so wrong to you. Because you are supposed to be alone. That's how you decided it would be. It's what you chose.
Still, there is a little bit of warmth in your heart when you feel Garcia squeeze your hand. Now that you've had your night with JJ, your final goodbye, your moment where she proved to you that- yes- you meant something to her, it's brought you some sort of peace. You no longer want to cry because someone who isn't JJ is beside you. You're just glad someone is there. You're finally letting Garcia in. You're not sure why she bothers with you. After losing JJ you had shut everyone out. Simply because they weren't JJ, and JJ was all you needed, all you wanted. Now something has cleared in your head. Now you realise the value of what you have in Garcia's friendship. And you gently squeeze her hand in return.
"Garcia? " You hear your own weak voice crackling. And you start to cough violently from the effort of speaking. Just that one word leaves you breathless.
"Shhh, don't try to speak ." She soothes, as she squeezes your hand tighter.
You allow yourself to wonder, just for a minute, if JJ would be here holding your hand, stroking your forehead? If she would be the one here by your side, if you'd given her the chance to be? You want it, badly, her touch, her voice. But more than you want it, you want better for her. You want to spare her all of this.
It all comes flooding back, your illness, your prognosis, you don't really want JJ to be here, watching you fade away. You don't. You don't want JJ here, you remind yourself, over and over. Until it almost feels true. You're happy she isn't here to see you like this. You want her to remember you as you were that night, last night. You want her to remember you as strong, and courageous, and beautiful. Not this wreck of a person stuck in a hospital bed.
You remind yourself you don't want here here, you don't want her arms around you, you don't want her to see this. Over and over and over you repeat it in your mind. Trying to convince yourself.
You feel it then, something new taking root inside of you. A pervasive and insidious fear. You are scared. You weren't before. You had been ready to die. JJ didn't love you, and you were ready to give up.
Then JJ had come to you at the cabin, she had held you, warmed you, nursed you back to health, made love to you, touched you, told you she loved you. Now, you're afraid. Now, it hurts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, that she isn't here with you.
JJ had, as always, been that glimmer of sunshine in your darkest places. She had come to you in your hour of need. Heard your cry. And now you almost wish she hadn't. Almost wish she had let you go.
You try, in vain, to push JJ to the back of your mind. You hear Morgan and Garcia mumbling in the back ground. You can't make our every word. But you manage to piece together they are talking about JJ, about trying to contact her.
"No." No you manage to insist, and it's enough to make you go to the extreme effort of opening your eyes. "No, no, no." You tell them.
"Emily, it's ok." Garcia assures you. "We are here. Just rest."
Morgan can't quite bring himself to come close, he lingers uncomfortably in the doorway. "It's good to see you awake." He tells you. "Can I get you anything?"
You shake your head in response to his question. And manage to take a deep enough breath to beg Garcia. "Please, Please, Please, You can't tell anyone."
"Emily we are a family, I have..." She begins.
"I don't want JJ to see me like this." You interrupt her. You are so passionate about it that you've quite forgotten you can barely breathe. The tears start to fall unashamedly. You can count on one hand the number of time you'd cried in front of Morgan, and still have five fingers left over. But you just can't help it.
"Emily she misses you, she would want to know you're in the hospital." Garcia tells you. "She would want to see you."
"See me before I die, you mean?" You finish for her.
Garcia flinches, asthe color drains from her face. "Emily Prentiss, Don't say that!" She chides you.
"You spoke to my doctor." Emily states rather than asks. She knows there is no such thing as information that Garcia can't get her hands on.
"Yes we spoke to your Doctor." Morgan admits. "Emily, why didn't you tell us were unwell?" He asks.
"It didn't matter." You answer calmly. "I am no longer a part of the team, it wasn't relevant."
That's when Garcia starts crying. "How can you say that?" She demands. "I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am with you, Emily Prentiss!" She yells angrily as you lie there helpless, exhausted, pale as a ghost, with tears staining your face. Poor, sick, dying, Emily Prentiss, and she is yelling at you! She grabs your hand, holding it tight as if she wont let you go. "I want to slap you so hard." She tells you, but her voice has calmed. "You've been sick for months, and you never told us. You never took any treatments. What were you thinking? Why would you do that?"
"Settle baby girl." Morgan tries to calm Garcia, but he makes no move from his spot, firmly cemented in the doorway. "We can talk about it when Emily is feeling better." Morgan suggests .
Garcia is still crying "Emily, I'd die if something happened to you. Why didn't you take better care of yourself?" She asks.
Morgan paces the doorway awkwardly, saying nothing.
"You'll be fine." You assure Garcia, relinquishing her hand so that you can gently caress her tear stained face. It's killing you to see so much pain in her eyes, to know you caused it. You didn't want this, any of this.
"I am so mad at you." Garcia repeats, but there is only tenderness in her voice now. "Well, now I'm here. And now you are going to start the treatments. Today." Garcia orders.
"No. I don't want that." You protest.
"Why?" Garcia asks, genuinely confused.
"The treatments aren't going to work." You insist.
"Not with an attitude like that." Garcia snaps.
"I didn't want you here, either of you, so just go." You snap back.
"Ok, Enough." Morgan interrupts. "Emily, you need rest, we can talk later. The Dr says you have pneumonia, probably from a weakened immune system. They are giving you anti biotics to get on top of that. You will feel better in a few days when the pneumonia clears, and we can talk about other treatments then." Morgan says calmly.
You're too tired to protest that you don't want antibiotics, that it will make no difference in the end, your disease is too far advanced. They must know. But you look into their faces, Garcia's tear filled eyes, and the mad frustration in Morgan's gaze as he stands in the doorway. It makes them feel better to think they are helping. It makes them feel better to believe antibiotics are going to fix the pneumonia and everything will be fine. They want to believe it, they need it. So you let them have it. You give them this one small thing. Because you feel guilty for the pain you've caused them.
"Ok." You acknowledge, and even manage a weak smile. You realise it's too late to tell them to just leave you alone. They aren't going to budge. But there is still one thing you can still hope for. JJ doesn't have to see this.
"Good girl." Garcia tells you, returning your sad smile.
"But, " You add. "Please. I don't want JJ to see me like this." You plead with her.
"You cant ask me to keep this from JJ, Emily you just can't." Garcia states adamantly.
"Please." You plead with her. "It's the last thing I will ever ask of you. It's my dying wish."
"Stop saying that! You are going to get the treatment, get better." She insists.
"There is such a slim chance." You warn her in a soft voice.
"It's worth fighting for, you are worth fighting for!" She tells you. She means it, you know she does. She treasures you, and this is hard for her. "You have us, your team, your family. Aren't we worth fighting for?" She sounds so hurt and the guilt slices through you.
"I don't work there any more, I'm not part of the team." You protest.
"Is that why you resigned?" Morgan asks. "You could have talked to Hotch, He would have arranged time off, any help you needed."
"You all have other things to do, you need to focus on the job. You can't be worrying about me." You tell them.
"We are your family." Garcia insists. "You can't just walk away. I wont let you do this alone."
"I know better than anyone the importance of your job. You can't all sit here at my bedside crying day and night." You tell them.
"Not negotiable." Garcia insists. "We are here and we aren't going anywhere."
"I didn't want this." You insist, losing your patience. "I didn't want you crying over me like this, seeing you upset."
"I'm sorry." Garcia apologises. "I can't help it. I missed you so much when you left. And to think you were sick all these months and never told me."
"You would have read about it in my obituary soon enough." You say coldly. You aren't trying to be cruel. You just had enough. You cant have them here, you cant have JJ here. Maybe if you say enough callous things, they will get tired of you and just leave.
"You are not being fair. Not to us, not to JJ." Garcia tells you. "Not to yourself. I love you, and I'm so sorry you're sick. But don't push us away. I can handle anything you throw at me, anything. You can hate me for telling JJ, you can never forgive me. I will live with it. But you can not give up. You can't give up without a fight. I know it must feel awful, scary, lonely. But you are not alone now. We are all here with you. And you are gonna get better, whether you like it or not. And we are all going to be here, JJ included. I love you and I'd do almost anything for you, but I can't keep this from Jayj. And it's not fair of you to ask." Garcia tries to match your cold voice but can't quite do it.
"If you tell JJ about this, then don't bother coming back. " You threaten as you close your eyes, shutting her out. It's your last pathetic desperate attempt to keep JJ away. You know she is right, you aren't being fair. But you can't have JJ here, it's too painful, for you both.
"If that's how you want it. " Garcia answers. "If you don't want me here, that's ok. If you don't want JJ here, tell her to her face. She has a right to know. She is my friend too and I couldn't live with myself if I kept this from her."
With that she leans over and kisses your forehead. "I love you. Feel better." She whispers.
You turn your head so you don't see her leave, but you hear the door click shut behind her, and you can't help the tears that well up in your eyes. You know she is right, you're not being fair to her. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to slip away quietly, and no one was supposed to notice.
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Paring: Emily/JJ
Rating: PG for now
Summary: Emily/JJ - an encounter in the snow, and beyond.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything
Dedication: Written for
kassandra_luem who introduced me to Emily and JJ:) I shall never forget you, or forget writing Emily/JJ fic on planes:) With my extreme gratitude to lynders11 for reminding me about this fic and her constant encouragement. Also my dear frenhufor her inspiration and support, and never giving up on me. And for Erin my awesome beta reader who blew me away with her comments on these chapters.
Previous Chapters...
Chapters 1-3 http://carlyisnot.livejournal.com/30682.html
Chapters 4- 6 http://carlyisnot.livejournal.com/30742.html
Chapter 7
Emily
Before you even open your eyes, you know you're in a hospital, those familiar sounds and smells overwhelm you.
You're aching all over, but it's something you've become used to these past weeks as the illness had taken over, invading your body, piece by piece. It should come as no surprise, no disappointment to you. You had accepted your fate, even welcomed it.
It's just. . . there had been that one night with JJ. That brief respite from the harsh reality. That night had been magical. As if you had never been sick. As if she had never married Will. As if everything was perfect...
But it had only been a moment in time. And as quickly as the moment crept up on you, it vanished. Just another perfect memory to haunt you.
And now, life goes on. Here you are. Back in this hospital. Sick. Alone...No, this time not alone.
It feels so wrong to you. Because you are supposed to be alone. That's how you decided it would be. It's what you chose.
Still, there is a little bit of warmth in your heart when you feel Garcia squeeze your hand. Now that you've had your night with JJ, your final goodbye, your moment where she proved to you that- yes- you meant something to her, it's brought you some sort of peace. You no longer want to cry because someone who isn't JJ is beside you. You're just glad someone is there. You're finally letting Garcia in. You're not sure why she bothers with you. After losing JJ you had shut everyone out. Simply because they weren't JJ, and JJ was all you needed, all you wanted. Now something has cleared in your head. Now you realise the value of what you have in Garcia's friendship. And you gently squeeze her hand in return.
"Garcia? " You hear your own weak voice crackling. And you start to cough violently from the effort of speaking. Just that one word leaves you breathless.
"Shhh, don't try to speak ." She soothes, as she squeezes your hand tighter.
You allow yourself to wonder, just for a minute, if JJ would be here holding your hand, stroking your forehead? If she would be the one here by your side, if you'd given her the chance to be? You want it, badly, her touch, her voice. But more than you want it, you want better for her. You want to spare her all of this.
It all comes flooding back, your illness, your prognosis, you don't really want JJ to be here, watching you fade away. You don't. You don't want JJ here, you remind yourself, over and over. Until it almost feels true. You're happy she isn't here to see you like this. You want her to remember you as you were that night, last night. You want her to remember you as strong, and courageous, and beautiful. Not this wreck of a person stuck in a hospital bed.
You remind yourself you don't want here here, you don't want her arms around you, you don't want her to see this. Over and over and over you repeat it in your mind. Trying to convince yourself.
You feel it then, something new taking root inside of you. A pervasive and insidious fear. You are scared. You weren't before. You had been ready to die. JJ didn't love you, and you were ready to give up.
Then JJ had come to you at the cabin, she had held you, warmed you, nursed you back to health, made love to you, touched you, told you she loved you. Now, you're afraid. Now, it hurts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, that she isn't here with you.
JJ had, as always, been that glimmer of sunshine in your darkest places. She had come to you in your hour of need. Heard your cry. And now you almost wish she hadn't. Almost wish she had let you go.
You try, in vain, to push JJ to the back of your mind. You hear Morgan and Garcia mumbling in the back ground. You can't make our every word. But you manage to piece together they are talking about JJ, about trying to contact her.
"No." No you manage to insist, and it's enough to make you go to the extreme effort of opening your eyes. "No, no, no." You tell them.
"Emily, it's ok." Garcia assures you. "We are here. Just rest."
Morgan can't quite bring himself to come close, he lingers uncomfortably in the doorway. "It's good to see you awake." He tells you. "Can I get you anything?"
You shake your head in response to his question. And manage to take a deep enough breath to beg Garcia. "Please, Please, Please, You can't tell anyone."
"Emily we are a family, I have..." She begins.
"I don't want JJ to see me like this." You interrupt her. You are so passionate about it that you've quite forgotten you can barely breathe. The tears start to fall unashamedly. You can count on one hand the number of time you'd cried in front of Morgan, and still have five fingers left over. But you just can't help it.
"Emily she misses you, she would want to know you're in the hospital." Garcia tells you. "She would want to see you."
"See me before I die, you mean?" You finish for her.
Garcia flinches, asthe color drains from her face. "Emily Prentiss, Don't say that!" She chides you.
"You spoke to my doctor." Emily states rather than asks. She knows there is no such thing as information that Garcia can't get her hands on.
"Yes we spoke to your Doctor." Morgan admits. "Emily, why didn't you tell us were unwell?" He asks.
"It didn't matter." You answer calmly. "I am no longer a part of the team, it wasn't relevant."
That's when Garcia starts crying. "How can you say that?" She demands. "I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am with you, Emily Prentiss!" She yells angrily as you lie there helpless, exhausted, pale as a ghost, with tears staining your face. Poor, sick, dying, Emily Prentiss, and she is yelling at you! She grabs your hand, holding it tight as if she wont let you go. "I want to slap you so hard." She tells you, but her voice has calmed. "You've been sick for months, and you never told us. You never took any treatments. What were you thinking? Why would you do that?"
"Settle baby girl." Morgan tries to calm Garcia, but he makes no move from his spot, firmly cemented in the doorway. "We can talk about it when Emily is feeling better." Morgan suggests .
Garcia is still crying "Emily, I'd die if something happened to you. Why didn't you take better care of yourself?" She asks.
Morgan paces the doorway awkwardly, saying nothing.
"You'll be fine." You assure Garcia, relinquishing her hand so that you can gently caress her tear stained face. It's killing you to see so much pain in her eyes, to know you caused it. You didn't want this, any of this.
"I am so mad at you." Garcia repeats, but there is only tenderness in her voice now. "Well, now I'm here. And now you are going to start the treatments. Today." Garcia orders.
"No. I don't want that." You protest.
"Why?" Garcia asks, genuinely confused.
"The treatments aren't going to work." You insist.
"Not with an attitude like that." Garcia snaps.
"I didn't want you here, either of you, so just go." You snap back.
"Ok, Enough." Morgan interrupts. "Emily, you need rest, we can talk later. The Dr says you have pneumonia, probably from a weakened immune system. They are giving you anti biotics to get on top of that. You will feel better in a few days when the pneumonia clears, and we can talk about other treatments then." Morgan says calmly.
You're too tired to protest that you don't want antibiotics, that it will make no difference in the end, your disease is too far advanced. They must know. But you look into their faces, Garcia's tear filled eyes, and the mad frustration in Morgan's gaze as he stands in the doorway. It makes them feel better to think they are helping. It makes them feel better to believe antibiotics are going to fix the pneumonia and everything will be fine. They want to believe it, they need it. So you let them have it. You give them this one small thing. Because you feel guilty for the pain you've caused them.
"Ok." You acknowledge, and even manage a weak smile. You realise it's too late to tell them to just leave you alone. They aren't going to budge. But there is still one thing you can still hope for. JJ doesn't have to see this.
"Good girl." Garcia tells you, returning your sad smile.
"But, " You add. "Please. I don't want JJ to see me like this." You plead with her.
"You cant ask me to keep this from JJ, Emily you just can't." Garcia states adamantly.
"Please." You plead with her. "It's the last thing I will ever ask of you. It's my dying wish."
"Stop saying that! You are going to get the treatment, get better." She insists.
"There is such a slim chance." You warn her in a soft voice.
"It's worth fighting for, you are worth fighting for!" She tells you. She means it, you know she does. She treasures you, and this is hard for her. "You have us, your team, your family. Aren't we worth fighting for?" She sounds so hurt and the guilt slices through you.
"I don't work there any more, I'm not part of the team." You protest.
"Is that why you resigned?" Morgan asks. "You could have talked to Hotch, He would have arranged time off, any help you needed."
"You all have other things to do, you need to focus on the job. You can't be worrying about me." You tell them.
"We are your family." Garcia insists. "You can't just walk away. I wont let you do this alone."
"I know better than anyone the importance of your job. You can't all sit here at my bedside crying day and night." You tell them.
"Not negotiable." Garcia insists. "We are here and we aren't going anywhere."
"I didn't want this." You insist, losing your patience. "I didn't want you crying over me like this, seeing you upset."
"I'm sorry." Garcia apologises. "I can't help it. I missed you so much when you left. And to think you were sick all these months and never told me."
"You would have read about it in my obituary soon enough." You say coldly. You aren't trying to be cruel. You just had enough. You cant have them here, you cant have JJ here. Maybe if you say enough callous things, they will get tired of you and just leave.
"You are not being fair. Not to us, not to JJ." Garcia tells you. "Not to yourself. I love you, and I'm so sorry you're sick. But don't push us away. I can handle anything you throw at me, anything. You can hate me for telling JJ, you can never forgive me. I will live with it. But you can not give up. You can't give up without a fight. I know it must feel awful, scary, lonely. But you are not alone now. We are all here with you. And you are gonna get better, whether you like it or not. And we are all going to be here, JJ included. I love you and I'd do almost anything for you, but I can't keep this from Jayj. And it's not fair of you to ask." Garcia tries to match your cold voice but can't quite do it.
"If you tell JJ about this, then don't bother coming back. " You threaten as you close your eyes, shutting her out. It's your last pathetic desperate attempt to keep JJ away. You know she is right, you aren't being fair. But you can't have JJ here, it's too painful, for you both.
"If that's how you want it. " Garcia answers. "If you don't want me here, that's ok. If you don't want JJ here, tell her to her face. She has a right to know. She is my friend too and I couldn't live with myself if I kept this from her."
With that she leans over and kisses your forehead. "I love you. Feel better." She whispers.
You turn your head so you don't see her leave, but you hear the door click shut behind her, and you can't help the tears that well up in your eyes. You know she is right, you're not being fair to her. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to slip away quietly, and no one was supposed to notice.